The Skippy Review

Real Housewives of Orange County: “Body Shots” March 28, 2011

Last time: Girl trip to Cabo is in the works. Peggy’s a fucking idiot, and so is Jugs 4 Jesus…well, basically, everyone’s a fucking idiot.

The first fucking idiot we drop in on is Tamra. I guess she’s able to get up and walk after the sexsational sex bath of sex. She’s in a limo and talking to Latin Oomph. She’s on her way to Cabo for fun with Vicki. Latin Oomph says he “loves” Tamra. Right. Vicki wants Tamra to “court” her and apologize for not shiv’ing Simon. Vicki brings her work with her. Tamra wants to take Vicki’s computer and throw it in a pool. It had better not be a Mac, or I will cut her.

Evil Gretchen has lunch with Jugs. They have boring talk about Evil Gretchen’s parent’s wedding anniversary. Evil Gretchen has been married a lot. Jugs says there’s nothing like being married. Hell, there’s nothing like having Ebola; that doesn’t mean I want it. Of course, Jugs mangles the Bible. She might as well just start quoting the Starfleet Technical Manual. Jugs tacitly judges Evil Gretchen when she says that she knows that EG is having premarital sex and may have an out-of-wedlock child. THE HORROR! Jugs wonders where a “lease” is in the Bible. It’s in the same place with plastic surgery, fake hair and snotty attitudes. Don’t get too judgmental, bitch.

Tamra and Vicki make it to Cabo. Vicki doesn’t want Tamra flashing the good china to any and everyone, but she doesn’t mind the both of them getting hammered five seconds after getting to the hotel room.

Christ. It’s Jugs. She says she was a career woman but quit to raise kids and be a servant to Asshole Jim. Now she wants to start a clothing line. Way to think outside the box there, JesusBarbie. Tamra interviews, “I don’t think that you just wake up one day and go ‘Oh my god, I’m going to be a fashion designer! Oh, yeah, that’s it!!” That was kinda funny. Anyway, JesusBarbie thinks she has great taste—she’s clearly talking about clothes, because she sure as hell doesn’t have good taste in men. Tamra again: “Alexis is designing a dress line for moms like her—as long as you’re anorexic. And have big tits!” Of course, Asshole Jim is fronting the money. Oh, and they have an agreement: when the dress line interferes with her serving her fat fuck of a fucking husband, she is to immediately quit it.

It’s Woomonger Peggy! Pegs is in a documentary…about…I guess we’re going to have to wait for it. Ah, it’s about post-partum depression. Why is she sitting on this couch next to this GINORMOUS teddy bear? It’s freaking me out. Anyway, she had severe post-partum depression and it is sad. Micah interviews that you don’t know what to do when someone you love is suffering from post-partum depression. Unfortunately, the WOO starts. She blabs about having started some homeopathy. Did she also get her thetans audited?

Ah, Cabo. Vicki and Tamra have dinner. Vicki sets the groveling mood by making Tamra pull out the chair for her. She has something she wants to say to Tamra; she wants Tamra to write out what’s important in a friendship. In other words, she’s giving Tamra homework. Only then will she forgive Tamra. Tamra asks her if she’ll write one too, but of course she won’t, because she’s Vicki, damn you. Vicki notes that Tamra is happy again. Tamra notes that Vicki was very thin-skinned last year. Gee, do you think that human beings can, you know, GROW? CHANGE? MATURE? Wow, what a novel concept. Anyway, Tamra notes that Vicki goes cold whenever Donn’s name is mentioned. The restaurant is too gourmet for Vicki, just so you know.

‘tis Evil Gretchen! She has lunch with her father. She has a surprise for her parents and their 40th anniversary. She will force them to renew their vows, but will not tell them that that is what they’ll be doing. Evil Dad asks about Shady Slade. He’s not entirely sold on Shady Slade. She wants kids, but Evil Dad tells her that having kids is a giant step. In the manual for guys, men just tell women what they want to hear. So sayeth Evil Dad. I don’t know why he just doesn’t lay it out there: Shady Slade is shady and not worth a plug nickel.

Cabo! It’s sunny. Vicki and Tamra lie by the pool. They talk. I do not care. Vicki continues being a finicky eater, while Tamra convinces herself that the Latin Oomph is all that and a bag of chips. Vicki is bitter and a prude. How dare someone talk about themselves when Vicki wants to talk about herself! Vicki doesn’t believe that the Latin Oomph can give it to Tamra for five hours. I think she’s overselling it, frankly.

Pegs and Micah load up….their fucking Bentley…and go to Palm Springs. They’re only staying in Palm Springs for two days, so I don’t know how much of a vacation they’re actually having. But then, disaster! Capri Sun cut her finger! Call the Red Cross! Pegs says she wants Douchebag Micah there…because he’s a Libra and he’s calming. Oh, Spock. Pegs completely overreacts…and by overreacts, I mean she wants to take the kid to the freakin’ hospital. Wow.

Tamra compliments Vicki and then decides to do body shots. Oh, classy. And disgusting. Vicki is not impressed. Nevertheless, she and Tamra meet some slugs and drink more. They “woo hoo.” Woo hoo, indeed.
Anyway, Longsuffering Micah takes Capri Sun to the doctor…and the cut closed up. A stitch would be ridiculous. Micah interviews that Pegs’s post-partum can’t be controlled with drugs, but she’ll need to grow out of it. In the meantime, can’t you put her on some Xanax?

Holy Interstitial! It’s Jugs and her brood. She takes her twins shopping and they act like two little terrors.

Back to Cabo. Tamra says she’s trying new things this year. How else can she remain on television if she doesn’t? Speaking of new things, Vicki asks about the homework. Tamra kinda bullshits her way through the homework, but it’s enough to flatter/satisfy vainglorious Vicki. She’s like a fake-blonde Darth Vader. If you don’t flatter her, she will choke you.

Real Housewives of Miami: “Beach Slap” March 23, 2011

Last Time: Fucking Lea is a douche and a busybody. Adriana is an idiot. Tacky Cristy calls the kettle black. Marysol is nervous about getting married…

…except she’s not anymore! But now Philippe is. Well, he can’t back out now, because Marysol is getting her hair did for the blessed nuptials!

Back in Miami, Alexia meets with William Levy, Actor. Alexia calls him the Cuban Brad Pitt and wants him on the cover of the magazine for the second time. Old Herman didn’t want William Levy, Actor on the cover the first time, but he was wrong, for the issue was their best seller. William Levy, Actor is full of bullshit. He is SO aware of the cameras; he fake laughs, plants his hand ever so model-y on his face, and takes much care to look effortlessly hot (ripped jeans, a tight—but not too-tight T-shirt, and a trucker cap). My gaydar/whoredar immediately goes off.

Larsa goes to some restaurant to inveigle a chef for yet another goddamn cooking party. Larsa said that everyone else had done a bunch of Cuban cooking, so you’d think that she’d want to expose the ladies to Lebanese cooking, right? WRONG! No, she wants the chef to do…Italian cooking. You know, because the one thing that America has a complete lack of knowledge about is Italian food.

Back in Aspen, Marysol says something deep, y’all. She says that you can’t know what the future is. WHAT. Whaaat? You mean we’re finite corporeal beings that exist in a linear time continuum? Fuck. Well, that ruins my plan to go back in time and mess around with the Trojan War. Anyway, she and Philippe ascend up a mountain in a gondola…TO THEIR DOOM.

After the gondola arrives, they walk up snowy Mount Doom. The idea of marriage settles in like a shroud over Marysol. The officiant runs through the vows, because it’s FUCKING COLD and he doesn’t have a coat on. The Justice of the Peace reads the vows they allegedly wrote. Huh? Yeah, I don’t believe they actually wrote the vows. Anyway, they get heterosexually married. I’m sure that when they get back to Miami, William Levy, Actor, will gaily destroy their marriage. Speaking of…

…Alexia says that there’s an angelic look to him. Shut up and get him shirtless! Oh, he’s a hot piece of ass, let me tell y’all. Alexia gets him dolled up for his photoshoot and he’s all Blue Steel here, there and everywhere. But Andy Cohen knows what the homosexuals who watch this damn show want! Pardon me while I hit the rewind button.

Aw, hell. Fucking Lea. She thinks she’s giving back to the community by talking to some young ladies in foster care about entrepreneurship. One young woman with purple hair looks like she’s ready to cut a bitch. Cut Lea! Cut her now! Fucking Lea doesn’t know how to relate to these women. She says a bunch of Secret-ish bullshit about thinking making shit so. It’s so condescending and moronic…and the young women see through it. She asks if the women have any questions—what questions can you ask about a shitty presentation like that? I suppose they could have asked her if this presentation was court-ordered as the result of a DUI-conviction.

The Happy Couple return to Miami! Philippe moves his wine refrigerator into Marysol’s house. Her Botox reacts against such an eyesore. She thinks it doesn’t “go” with other things in the study. Woman, let the man have the damn wine refrigerator—he chose it because he likes it.

Shit. Fucking Lea. She continues to meddle in Dumb Adriana’s business. Well, to be fair, Dumb Adriana goes crying to Fucking Lea about her deadbeat ex who is dicking around when it comes to child support. Adriana stupidly thinks that Frederic would adopt her son.

Oh, hai, you guyz. It’s Cristy! Like, she’s doing some totally FABULOUS fashion show and she’s, like, totally waiting for Alexia to show up. OMG, Alexia got into an accident! U R not coming? (Wait—aren’t you going to ask if Alexia’s okay?) OMG, I totally have to tell the designer that Alexia izn’t coming. So lame!
Anyway, Tacky Cristy participates in the fashion show. I thought Miamians didn’t much care about fashion shows?

Pole-y Interstitial! Dumb Adriana thinks that by pole dancing, she’ll keep Frederic from straying. I’d rather watch Showgirls. Dumb Adriana justifies her pole dancing by actually saying “everybody is doing it.” Holy shit.

Larsa! She’s back at the Italian restaurant. She claims that she’s “super-competitive” and wants her cooking party to be “funner” than the rest. Meathead Chef tries to flirt with her. Larsa says that the women aren’t very good in the kitchen, which displeases Meathead Chef. He is a Soup Nazi, it appears. The women show up and are told that there are rules in the kitchen. They must maintain a clean kitchen. Adriana doesn’t want to learn to cook, she wants to eat! Well, screw you, Adriana. Meathead Soup Nazi is here to MAKE YOU COOK!

First, they learn how to make mozzarella. Mmm, cheese. Adriana thinks that Meathead Soup Nazi speaks Italian; honey, he only speaks ROIDS. Fucking Lea shows up late. She interviews that this event in the middle of the day is inconvenient. I kind of agree with her. DAMMIT! Anyway, Meathead Soup Nazi intimidates the hell out of Fucking Lea and scares all the women into silence. Oh, guess who else is late? Tacky Cristy! OMG, you guys, she, like, really tries to be on time! Anyway, they eat the food they cooked and talk about stuff like Alexia’s car wreck and Marysol’s wedding. Eventually, talk turns to the Charity Event. Guess what’s coming up? Oh, Dumb Adriana just puts Tacky Cristy on blast, yes, she does. Tacky Cristy looks like she’s ready to cut a Dumb Adriana. Dumb Adriana thinks she’s taking up for Fucking Lea…even though Tacky Cristy paid the whatever fee. Tacky Cristy and Fucking Lea get into it. Again, I have to side with Fucking Lea. However, Dumb Adriana needed to keep her fool mouth shut. Anyway, Alexia looks at her watch, thinking, “I could be home breastfeeding my precious son Peter! How will he make it through lunch without me?”

When we come back to the empty Italian restaurant, Larsa tries to put a cap on this oil spill of pettiness. Larsa thanks people for coming and frets that her fabulous luncheon didn’t turn out the way she’d hoped. Dumb Adriana ruined the lunch! Larsa converses with Tacky Cristy afterwards and wonders why Tacky Cristy didn’t bitchslap the fuck out of Dumb Adriana.

Next week: “Season” finale!

Real Housewives of Orange County: “A New Lease On Life” March 23, 2011

Last time: Evil Gretchen is the boss and pays Shady Slade in sex. Tamra thinks that Asshole Jim is…well, an asshole. We met Peggy, the Gun-Totin’ Moron.

It’s Always Sunny In California…and Evil Gretchen greets Jugs For Jesus…who happens to be wearing a tiara. The princess argument continues…to be boring and stupid. Jugs mentions Pegs and hopes that Evil Gretchen will behave around Pegs. She’d better, or Pegs will bust a cap in her ass. Pegs arrives at some fugly boutique where alcohol is used to loosen up wallets. She meets Evil Gretchen. Pegs interviews that Evil Gretchen looks like she’s from Texas. Pegs also mentions Gretchen’s Zodiac sign, which confirms to me that she’s a fucking moron. The fools shop and spend $859. Idiots.

Vicki’s back home and is haranguing the contractors about the remodel and the costs. She really is itching to show up on Law and Order, isn’t she? Donn doesn’t like change, according to Vicki. Also according to her, if she wants to sell the house, then Donn will just have to suck it up.

Oh, Christ. We’re back to Jugs and Pegs and Evil Gretchen. After a hard day of spending money, the gals have to spend more money on overpriced food. The heifers gossip about Vicki and Tamra. This is so damned first-year in college. Jugs asks Evil Gretchen about Shady Slade’s penis. Pegs says that she and her husband fucked in a closet to get away from their stupid kid. Jugs, never to be outdone, tells a stupid lying ass story about her and Asshole Jim having kinky sex. Whatever, you idiot. Ask yourself this, Jugs: would Jesus tie someone up to get his rocks off? 0-6, Jugs.

Vicki and Tamra have lunch. They need to repair their damaged relationship. Vicki says that she wants to sell the house, because it’s too damned expensive. She says she has a $900 electric bill—DAMN. Tamra’s leading a hard life after divorcing Simon. She wants someone who will laugh and have fun. What about that Latina lesbian—oh, sorry. She’s fucking some dude named Eddie. Whatever. Vicki’s glad that Tamra hasn’t foisted Eddie on her children. They’re so stressed! How can you fix it? Tamra knows—go to Cabo!

Oh, God. Jugs. The idiot family is going on some idiot trip to San Diego. The godwhore that Asshole Jim is, he kisses all his kids and says “Be blessed and protected in Jesus’ name” to each one of them. I suppose if they get in a ten car pileup on the freeway, does that mean that Jesus was off doing something else? Also, being the asshole that Asshole Jim is, he’s going to drive his own car, while Jugs drives the SUV with Sandra the Nanny (who is a Christian, which, according to Jugs, is huge). Imaginary sky-friend forbid that Asshole Jim have to do more than invoke said imaginary sky-friend before a trip!

In addition to being a gun nut, Pegs is a “holistic” idiot. She doesn’t believe in antibiotics. Fucking idiot. I bet she’s an anti-vaxer, too. Oh, and Douchebag Micah’s mom Melinda is a fucking naturopath and homeopathist. So it’s going to be a horserace between Jugs and Pegs as to which one will make me scream at the tv first. Oh, wait. Melinda wins with this—and I’m not making this shit up: “This is where your governing vessel ends and this is where your conception vessel begins. You have meridians which are energy circuits and usually if your polarity is switched, you want to bring it back on.”

PAUSE. What. What? What the fucking hell did ANY of that fucking mean? All the while, Naturopath Melinda is making gestures about the face as though that bullshit she just uttered has anything to do with a human being. She could as easily pointed to her ass or toes and said that foolish bullshit. I’m going to go on the record and say that naturopathy or how the fuck ever you spell such a bullshit word and homeopathy are nothing but bullshit. And the people who buy into this bullshit are fools who are soon parted from their money and health. Anyway, Idiot Pegs is just sitting there eating that shit up. Fucking idiots.

Ok, anyway, Naturopath wants Pegs to pee in a cup to see how she’s aging. Judging from the looks of her, I’d say badly and with tons of plastic surgery. Naturopath Melinda says that Pegs’s cells are rusting. DUMBASS! CELLS DON’T RUST! YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT. She pulls out some “holographic bands” and says that she’s going to “program in some hormone support.” She’s a fucking idiot and needs to be told she’s a fucking idiot. And if anyone posts a comment about homeopathy and naturopathy or whatever the fuck that dumb shit is and tries to defend that dumb woo, I will respond only with a picture of this:

Idiot Naturopath says the body heals itself, and Pegs says that she needs to spend a shitton of money on shit she doesn’t need…because it’s natural? Who the fuck knows?

Evil Gretchen and Shady Slade are going somewhere. Some friends of hers have a house in Palm Springs. They’re going to be gone a few days, but they’re packing like they’re running away from the aliens. Shady Slade says that the honeymoon is never over. Die already, Shady. Evil Gretchen tests his thesis when she essentially calls him a dumbass.

Are you there, Jesus? It’s me, Jugs. Jugs and Asshole Jim show up at the private resort. I somehow can’t equate this to the Upper Room. 0-7, Jugs. Yes, bitch, I’m keeping count. Oh, and guess what. Asshole Jim forgot Sandra the Nanny’s luggage. 0-8. They get into their rooms and immediately, Asshole Jim bosses the bellboy around. 0-9. Jugs says that “[Asshole] Jim is the boss, and my role is to pack and unpack.” Asshole Jim is hungry and wants a snack, so he wants Jugs to call up room service.

WHY THE FUCK DID YOU MARRY THIS FUCKING ASSHOLE?!?

Evil Gretchen bitches at Shady Slade. One of the bikes falls off the car and she jokes about it. They arrive at their Sassy Gay Friends’ house and Evil Gretchen and Shady Slade immediately turn into That Couple. You know, That Couple who always argues with each other in front of everyone else and make everyone extremely uncomfortable. They’re That Couple. Robert and Victor, The Sassy Gay Couple ride on their bikes with Evil Gretchen and Shady Slade. She jokes about being pregnant…much to the chagrin of one Shady Slade.

Jesus Fuckin’ Christ. Jugs. And Asshole Jim. Asshole Jim leads a fucking stupid prayer before breakfast. Jugs says that Asshole Jim praying makes him feel like the head of the household. What, you mean oppressing your wife, being a bossy asshole, and treating everyone like shit on your shoe doesn’t make you feel like the head of the household? Jugs says that she thanks “God” for putting her with “such an amazing man…and he has a little money, so that’s a bonus.” I guess going and having that asshole of yours buy you some baubles makes up for—
WHY THE FUCK DID YOU MARRY THIS FUCKING ASSHOLE?!?

Tamra is on the phone with Eddie, the Invisible Boyfriend. Tamra says he’s “so physically fit.” I’ll be the judge of that, thank you very much.

JESUS! We’re back to Jugs and Asshole Jim. “I have the most amazing husband; he tells me how beautiful I am, he buys me nice things…he just treats me well.” Well, then I guess it’s okay that HE TREATS YOU LIKE A FUCKING MAID. The idiots go into a jewelry store…and he starts looking for shit for himself. Jugs says that she accessorizes him very well…but that won’t stop him from spending $22,000 on watches. When Jugs is finally allowed to look at some rings, Asshole Jim tells her that she needs to tone it down, as though spending $22,000 on a fucking watch is the very picture of modesty. 0-10, you fucking asshole. Anyway, Jugs claims that she worked hard for that ring and deserves it. Really? Well, if you had worked hard for it, you’d HAVE YOUR OWN FUCKING MONEY AND COULD BUY THE GODDAMN RING YOUR OWN FUCKING SELF.

WHY THE FUCK DID YOU MARRY THIS FUCKING ASSHOLE?!?

GODDAMN INTERSTITIAL. More Jugs. Asshole Jim wears his hat backwards, further confirming that he is a douchebag asshole bastard. Jugs continues to justify the backwards ass patriarchy in her household.

We finally get to see this mysterious Eddie. According to Tamra, he has “Latin Oomph.” She says he’s very humpable. Again, I’ll be the judge of that, Tamra. So far, I give him a 6 on a scale of 1 to 10. They meet Tamra’s “real estate partner” at some restaurant, where Tamra throws herself all over Eddie, the Latin Oomph. The Oomphy Couple and Real Estate Guy talk about boring shit. Tamra’s going to Spain, but she hasn’t told Simon yet. Why would she have to tell Simon? The Oomphy Couple make out at dinner. Die already.

Evil Gretchen says her trip to Palm Springs has been a debacle. Sladechen and The Sassy Gays go to dinner, where Evil Gretchen bitches at Shady about what he’s eating. Of course, Victor does hair. Of course. Evil Gretchen really hates Tamra. Got it. Shadechen and the Sassy Gays plan a double wedding…until Gretchen says that she would rather treat Shady Slade like—wait for it—a car lease. I guess it’s the Sassy Gays who are destroying Evil Gretchen’s view of marriage.

Tamra draws a bath. A bath of sex. A sexy bath of sexy sex. She draws it sexily, and it will be sexsational. Because sex will happen in this sexy bath of sex. She sexily calls out to her Latin Oomph and he enters the bathroom to find her naked in that bath of sex. He gulps down his wine, for tonight, he will have to see her naked. He takes off his shirt, and I give him a 7. Tamra says he’s her soulmate. A soulmate of love in a sexy bath of sexy sex.