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If There Were Four, There’s Probably More (A Hit Dog Hollers, Part 8) August 1, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Observations, Religion.
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Fig. 1: Yup, still wrong.

Y’all. Just when you thought there would be no more news or speculation about New “Birth” and Fake Bishop Eddie Long. There was a fifth accuser in the Eddie “You So Damn Wrong” Long sexual misconduct case. Back in May, Long settled with the four young men who publicly accused him, but, according to Atlanta’s Fox5, Centino Kemp secretly joined in the lawsuit (though he never sued).

So now, that’s five guys. Five men who’ve accused Long of sexual misconduct. Five men who’ve been involved with a virulently homophobic so-called “pastor” who claimed he’d fight these allegations…but wound up settling out of court. Now, if you ask me, I’d bet good money there’s a sixth and seventh young man out there who gained the attention and favor of Long.

Oh, and Long might have been involved in mortgage schemes that cost some of his parishioners their homes. Awesome. Maybe that will be the wake-up call to the benighted members of that so-called church.


Your Obligatory “Judgment Day” Post May 20, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Religion, Science Ficton.
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Fig. 1: I daresay you can’t get a paint job like that at Maaco!

Fig. 2: These folks do realize that we now have photographic evidence of their abject foolishness, don’t they?

Fig. 3: Well, clearly, those people didn’t know the Truth!

The End is Nigh! Again! May 14, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Culture, General Weirdness, Religion.
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So says a bunch of people. From NPR:

Brian Haubert grabs some pamphlets and marches toward the flea market in Palmyra, N.J. Armed with a poster that trumpets Judgment Day on May 21, 2011, he braces for rejection. Announcing God’s wrath is not always a popular message.

“I’ve been called a heretic,” says Haubert, a 33-year-old actuary. “I’ve been told I read the wrong Bible. And then there’s the occasional person who seems to be genuinely interested,” he says.

His friend and fellow believer, Kevin Brown, uses a gentler approach, not confronting people or engaging in conversation, just politely handing out Judgment Day pamphlets.

Now see, I wouldn’t call Haubert a heretic.

I’d call him crazy.

Add him to the long list of people who have gotten their knickers in a twist because the world isn’t quite going the way they think it ought and hope for an imaginary sky-friend to come along and kill all the right people—ever noticed how the doomsayers are never the ones who are going to be on the receiving end of their preferred deity’s wrath? No, ma’am and no sir. These upstanding folks are all a bunch of Jor-Els, running around trying to warn us sinner folk of our sinning ways. Of course, religion isn’t the only culprit in these end of the world freak outs. Remember Y2K? Yeah, people lost their shit over a potential glitch in computers and acted like the End of Days was upon us. And then there’s the impending year 2012 in which woo-addled morons think that the world will end because some Mayans who were writing their dayplanners stopped at some point and said, “Hey, let’s grab some lunch and call it a day.”

Anyway, the world didn’t end in 2000—or in 1978 or in 1988 or when Barack Obama was elected President or when George W. Bush choked on a pretzel. But try telling that to the folks at WeCanKnow.com:

Fig. 1: Since I’m a godless sodomite and will be left behind, would you mind signing over all your financial assets to me?

These folks are convinced that there’s been some “special” revelation—which specifically contradicts Jesus’s assertion that no one would know the day nor hour in which the “end of the age” would occur. But hey, they claim that their only source for this special revelation is the Bible…I guess the very words of their religion’s founder simply don’t count for squat, but weird readings of Pauline letters do. Isn’t proof-texting fun?

Funny thing is, these folks never do reveal just how they came up with Saturday, May 21st, 2011 as the date in which their deity would decide to do something really dramatic. Why May 21st? Why not, say, 70 C.E.? Why not when the early church was deep in the shit and being persecuted left, right and center? Why not around the time of the Bubonic Plague or the Influenza Epidemic of the early 20th Century? Why not during the 1950s? And these are people who are clearly ill-informed about their own religion’s history when it comes to predicting “the end:”

Tough question first: What would you say in response to those who would argue that the Bible never talks about the rapture, nor does the word or concept appear in the Bible, but rather it is simply a 18th century theological construction?

Quite simply, they do not believe the Bible, nor do they understand the enormous relevance of the the resurrection, and subsequent glorification of the bodies of “most” true believers; there are a few exceptions – like Enoch, Elijah and others, who already possess their glorified spiritual bodies). While it is true that the word “Rapture” dos not appear in the Bible, the word “shall be caught up” does, as it appears in 1 Thes. 4:17 (as well as 12 other citation). Please note the very significant context of verses 13-18, plus it precedes one of the most important chapters on the Bible that we can absolutely KNOW the timing of the “catching up” and the Day of Judgment (which is a period of 153 days in actuality from May 21, 2011 – October 21, 2011) in 1 Thes. 5:1-5:

(source: The American Jesus.net)

These folks either don’t know or don’t care to know anything about John Nelson Darby, the British theologian responsible for this “rapture theology” to which they so blindly subscribe. Also, they’re so confident that this is happening, that they can’t even fathom responding to people on the 22nd. I daresay, next Sunday will be very interesting—especially since these folks can’t back off and say that “Oh, well, we got it wrong.”

Fig. 2: I wonder if these ladies will be smiling next week?

Fig. 3: That’s a pretty big matzo ball hanging out there.

Anti-Southernism: The Dating Edition! April 13, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Culture, Rants, Religion.
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Y’know, children, I’ve often said that the Internet is nothing more than an assemblage of potential idiots. Because the Internet is so vast and so full of nooks and crannies, there are many, many places where brainless morons can congregate and commiserate on their collective stupidity. Also, because the supposed anonymity of the Web can foster even more foolishness, allegedly “smart” people can occasionally write some damnable foolishness. Even worse, bastions of so-called “liberal” thinking can usually harbor the worst kinds of idiocy. Case in point: an “article” by a “Maggie Flynn” about dating as an agnostic while living in Nashville. But before I get to Flynn’s anti-southernist piece, I want to remind y’all about something I wrote previously:

See, the stock-in-trade of the anti southernist is that the South is full of moronic imbeciles who are racist, homophobic, dangerously in love with Jesus, etc. The haughty assumption of the anti-southernist is that their particular region is totally free of moronic imbeciles who are racist, homophobic, dangerously in love with Jesus, etc. The South—at least, the “South” as imagined by the anti-southernist is nothing more than a scapegoat, a featureless mannequin upon which the “superior” jackass from another region can festoon every negative, ugly American characteristic.

There’s a reason I wrote that, and sadly, Flynn’s piece seems to fit everything I wrote to a T. Flynn’s essay is about her dating woes when she lived in Nashville. See, Maggie Flynn is an enlightened agnostic who hails from Michigan (you know, that wonderful land of opportunity and great sense) and spent some time in Nashville, Tennessee. Now, when I was told that an agnostic had written about dating in Nashville, I thought it would be a thoughtful piece that highlights the problems inherent in finding a compatible mate when one’s religious beliefs are outside a particular mainstream. Instead, the piece is a holier-than-the-South bit of drivel better suited for someone’s self-indulgent blog–why bore others needlessly?

Anyway, Flynn begins by recounting some dating disasters. Well, hell, who hasn’t had a dating disaster? I bet people living in New York City (aka Liberal Utopia) have some dating hell stories—aw, who’m I kidding? Nobody in NYC has ever had to deal with any kind of prejudice whatsoever. Ok, anyway, Flynn bores everyone with her phenomenally disastrous dates, and then proceeds to blame those phenomenally disastrous dates on Nashville itself, as though the city was somehow responsible for her dating mishaps. She then begins enumerating the horrible, horrible things that the City of Nashville had done that kept her from getting laid on a regular basis:
* Nashville has too many churches!
* Some people who went to church were hypocrites!
* Her job at an Evangelical publishing house subjected her to undue conversation about—oh, my I can’t even type this—church!

It’s this last point that really wobbles the mind. Read this bit of foolishness:

God even invaded my professional life. To supplement my paycheck from AmeriCorps, I took a job in the children’s division for one of the biggest names in Christian publishing, proofreading evangelical teen series and creationist-themed picture books with names like “God Said It and Bang! It Happened.” No one there questioned me about my religious beliefs — my colleagues operated on the assumption that the whole office was Christian.

You mean to tell me that people working at an Evangelical publishing house would dare assume that their co-workers were Christian? Well, spank my ass and call me Charlie! Next thing you know, you’ll be telling me that you’d expect teammates on a football team to be fans of the game! My stars and garters, I don’t know how Flynn mustered the courage to get up in the morning, so oppressed was she!

True to form, Flynn informs the reader that she has since fled (her word, not mine) to Los Angeles. Aren’t you happy for her? Now she’s in Utopia, a place where no one assumes that she subscribes to any particular brand of woo. Oh, it’s perfectly perfect in its perfection. Why, it’s so perfect in Utopia, that she’s even open to the idea of a higher power! If only the horrible city of Nashville had allowed her the freedom to work at Christian publishing houses without assuming that she too was a Christian, maybe she wouldn’t have been such an agnostic! Our dear Flynn writes

In this permissive environment, I’ve actually become more open to the idea of a higher power. Sometimes, as I’m falling asleep, I’m even moved to say a prayer of thanks for my kind and supportive fiancé, our funny French bulldogs and our great community of friends. To paraphrase Joni Mitchell, I still wonder where, exactly, my prayer will go. I largely assume my thriving the past few years can be attributed to good decisions and a measure of luck. But maybe the path I’m on has less to do with my personal choices than I think. It’s possible that I was preordained to move to Nashville, feel alienated and flee to a city where I fit. Here in L.A., I feel like I’ve been saved, even if I haven’t.

What a smug load of bollocks. This is precisely the kind of bullshit I was referring to in my previous post on anti-southernism. She claims that she felt alienated. Did she even bother seeking out any nontheist/atheist/agnostic groups? If she’d had an ounce of sense, she could have gotten on the Google and found some atheist groups in the city. I’m pretty fucking certain that there was a Unitarian Universalist church in the city—but no, this smug fool blathers on about going to a Nazarene church. She makes the city her dating scapegoat—even though she concedes that she a) made friends with people who weren’t dangerously in love with Jesus and b) dated a guy who wasn’t double-dating with the Lord. But no, she doesn’t realize that it was probably a matter of giving the city time. No, it wasn’t that, nor could it be that you always have to go through a bunch of frogs before you get to the prince. No, it clearly had to be Nashville’s fault for having more churches than she was comfortable with.

You know what, Maggie Flynn? You go on and enjoy living in LaLa land. I hope you and your fiance are enjoying all your sunny easy liberalism, ’cause we’re getting along just fine with one less smug fraktard fairweather liberal here in the South.

Guess Who’s Back And Begging For Dollars? (A Hit Dog Hollers, Part 7) April 12, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Black folks, Observations, Religion.
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Fig. 1: Yep. This fool’s back.

Children, I’ve been slacking. I had stopped paying attention to Fake Bishop Eddie Wrong-As-Hell after I heard that the lawsuit against him by four men was going into arbitration. I assumed that we’d hear some tiny little blurb and then he’d agree to pay out millions of dollars and there’d be nothing more to say.

Well, I guess this jheri-wigged charlatan has to get money somehow in order to pay off those boys, because here he is, distorting the Bible in order to get dollars. What’s this foolishness about “calling all men together to pray”? Honey, you know what I call that? A Friday night at Bulldog’s in Midtown, that’s what. He needs to quit it with this foolishness. But unsurprisingly, this arrogant moron will persist in his nonsense and try to take every dollar he can from any and every besotted Atlantan who is silly enough to still be drinking his flavor of Kool-Aid. Reportedly, attendance at his “church” is down and he’s having to lay off people.

I wonder if he’s cut his own salary?

Mmm, hm.

The Dumb Is Strong With This One. March 30, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Politics, Rants, Religion.
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Fig 1: Cheated on wives because he loves America. Seriously; google it.

Newt Gingrich is probably one of the worst politicians in America—and that’s saying something. Here we have a vile pestilence who cheated on not one, but two of his three wives.* He cheated on his first wife while she was dying from cancer, and that alone qualifies him for Scumbag of the Century. Worse, he “defends” his fucking around by saying this: “There’s no question at times in my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate.”

Are you fucking kidding me? You love America, so you stick your tallywhacker wherever you like? I have three words: bitch, comma, please.

Well, it just seems that old Newt can’t keep from saying dumb shit:

Newt Gingrich warned churchgoers on Monday that an unholy (semi-holy?) combination of Islamic theocrats and secular atheists could seize control of the United States within decades.

“I have two grandchildren — Maggie is 11, Robert is 9,” Gingrich said at a church in Texas, according to Politico. “I am convinced that if we do not decisively win the struggle over the nature of America, by the time they’re my age they will be in a secular atheist country, potentially one dominated by radical Islamists and with no understanding of what it once meant to be an American.”

Now, children, this is a bit of a headscratcher. Perhaps ol’ Newt doesn’t know jack-fuckin’-shit about Islam (and even less about “radical Islamists”), but I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that I’m pretty damned sure that if this nation is ever “dominated by radical Islamists”—wait, did you hear that dogwhistle?—they wouldn’t be too kosher with secular atheists running around doing much of anything.

Does this fucktard even know what an atheist is? Besides a talking point designed to scare a bunch of fools who are following another fool. Has he ever talked to an atheist? Oh, of course not. No, what this putrid pestilence wants to do is cynically use two disparate and wholly incompatible groups as whipping posts in his campaign for President. Rather than focus on issues, he’d rather appeal to the ignorant and fearful (basically, white fundamentalist/apocalyptic Christians).

Here’s what this “secular atheist” thinks: I don’t give a flying fuck what you worship. I don’t care if you worship the 8lb 6oz baby Jesus morning, noon and night. I don’t care if you worship an erstwhile goddess or if you worship a pair of lucky underwear. I don’t care if you don’t worship anything at all. However, I DO care when you want to tell me that I must worship your particular imaginary sky-friend and then clothe that bullshit in the flag and then act and speak as though my desire to be left the fuck alone and not have religious dogma shoved down my throat like I’m a two-dollar whore (you know the kind, Newt) in a cheap porno constitutes some grave “threat” to America.

In short: Newt, you can have a nice, steaming, ginormous cup of Shut the Fuck Up along with a plate of Get the Fuck Outta Here With That Bullshit.

*Word to the wise: as they say, how he left his previous wife is how he’s gonna leave you. So, Wifey #3, you better get ready for some epic karma.

Pole Dancing…For Jesus? March 20, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Culture, General Weirdness, Observations, Religion.
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No, seriously. It’s a thing.

Fig. 1: Houston, we have a problem.

Children, just because you slap “Jesus” on something like it’s a frakkin’ brand name does NOT automagically make it “Christian”…or a good idea.

But seriously, is it just me, or is it that these people are using “Jesus” to validate a thing that they wanted to do? How does this “pole fitness” become something “for” Jesus? Sure, Crystal Deans says that the women who come to get on the pole are “continuing worship,” but what does getting on the pole have to do with Jesus? I’m not saying that there shouldn’t be pole fitness centers (that’s apparently a new thing in our continuing quest to become the most insipid civilization on the face of the earth), or that there shouldn’t be any number of pop cultural fads; just don’t claim that some deceased Jewish itinerant preacher from the first century C.E. has anything whatsoever to do with your particular fad. My cynical self looks at something like this and thinks, “This is just another instance of religion being used in order to market a fad to a segment of the population.” Look at it like this: if Crystal decided to do “Pole Fitness for Spock,” and offered some kind of Star Trek-themed pole dancing (say, the women all wearing green makeup and dancing like Orion Slave Girls), we’d all be clear; Crystal would be trying to cash in on a particular subgroup. When I see something like this pole dancing for Jesus, that’s the second thing I think. The first thing is, “Seriously? This is a thing?”

I guess it is.

The Meaning of Christmas December 22, 2010

Posted by Skippy in Comics, Humor, Religion.
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(click on image to enlarge)

(from Calamities of Nature)

Pastor Fight! December 21, 2010

Posted by Skippy in General Weirdness, Observations, Religion.
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Some people are so full of the love of Christ…

…that they must whoop someone else’s ass.

Children, I don’t even know where to begin here. The fight was allegedly caused by “different views of Scripture.” Really? Really?!?

Ok, “Old Paths Baptist Church.” Let’s talk about your interpretation of “Scripture.” According to a news story on this foolishness, your church “uses only the King James Bible, believing ‘all other versions have Satan’s fingerprints.'” That right there is proof that your “church” is full of a bunch of fucking morons. You clearly don’t have the slightest clue as to the origins of the Christian Bible—I mean, simple questions a third-grader might ask would reveal your beliefs to be…ridiculous. For example, what about those Christians who lived before 1611? You know, the masses of Christians who were illiterate? Oh, and what did the people in the first century church use as a Bible? Hint: It ain’t in English, homeboy!

Anyway, so you show up to “Church on the Move” (as opposed to all those other churches that don’t seem to be moving anywhere) and start writing heavenly checks with your mouth that your ass can’t cash. Gee, do you think that that is what Jesus might do? Oh, wait, don’t answer that…because you probably will run right to the passage that shows Jesus opening a can of righteous whoop-ass on the “moneychangers” in the Temple.

Fig. 1: Jesus: Harshing your mellow since 30 C.E.

Frankly, for a guy who was all about peace and “love one another,” he could be an obstinate cuss sometimes. I mean, these guys are just providing a service necessary for people who probably don’t have two turtledoves or the appropriate Jewish currency necessary for completing their required sacrifices—sacrifices that Jesus/Jesus’ daddy required them to do, mind you—and here this dude comes, whip and all, and causing a ruckus, in the name of his father.

Of course, when you delve into the interpretation of the text—something that Old Paths likely wouldn’t do…because that would require historical/text criticism…and reading the texts in their original languages—you might find that the motivation behind putting this story in the gospels is not so much about Jesus’ righteousness as it is an indictment of the religion of the day. Again, this is probably a very appealing text for people like those who “worship” at Old Paths Baptist, because it gives them the carte blanche to be smug-o-rific about their beliefs.

What would Jesus do, indeed!

Well, anyway, Old Paths Baptist Church, you keep on arguing that the KJV Bible is the only acceptable Bible and then use that as pretext for going to other churches and starting mess. Just don’t be surprised when Really Old Paths Baptist Church of Truthiness starts up and starts protesting you for doing something that doesn’t meet with their approval.

And for that, Old Paths Baptist Church, you are awarded:

Fig. 2: The Picard would not approve.

Lovecraftian Mormon Parody December 16, 2010

Posted by Skippy in Humor, Religion.
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Ah, the fresh smell of parody in the morning.
H/T to Unreasonable Faith