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Real Housewives of Atlanta: Let the Dead Bury the Dead March 12, 2012

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Last Time: Africa might have been “life-changing,” but the Ladies Who Lunch came back to DRAAAMAAA!
We begin with the Lady Kim at the Biermann Estate as she tries desperately to maintain order and decorum in the home. Her slave assistant “Sweetie” is shiftless and trifling. What does this dynamic remind me of?

Fig. 1: Oh, yeah. This.

Our dear, put upon Kim reminds the viewer that she and her slave assistant have more of a friendship instead of a working relationship. Well, look who’s gotten all brand new since she landed a football player?

The Lady Kim bemoans her troubled home to her wig stylist. The slave assistant didn’t register the young ladies of the estate for school! She took too long to get food! She’s been rude to the young ladies of the manor! The Lady Kim is distracted to pieces and does not know what she must do! Oh, the dilemma. The wig stylist agrees: the slave assistant must be manumitted!

Speaking of brand new, Phaedra—who I’m really warming to—visits Willie Watkins’ Funeral Home (bet they’re loving this free publicity!) to get instruction on how to embalm and make-up a corpse. Phaedra names her model corpse “Anna Belle” and says she can’t wait to get her hands on a real corpse.

At Chez NeNe, Ne’er Do Well Bryson has been released from jail. She leaves it to Gregg to try to talk to him. He asks why he shoplifted. This boy is ten pounds of fucking stupid in a two-pound sack. He says that he needs to stop making dumb decisions, but that ain’t moving Gregg or NeNe. Idiot Bryson claims that he wants to “own a restaurant.” This boy is dumb. D-U-M-B. NeNe notes that if the divorce goes through, Gregg won’t be there for Idiot Bryson and Brent. NeNe says that it’s time for Idiot Bryson to move out—she’s tired of yelling and screaming at him.

Oh, hell, I guess we had to visit the Lady Cynthia and her Old Man, Papa Smurf. He’s planning their one-year anniversary, which, by the way, they’re over budget. Papa Smurf tells Lady Supermodel that “the type of people they roll with” expect for a one-year anniversary party to be ridiculously expensive…which is why he might have to borrow money from her. Here we go with the stupidity of new money. Oh, and he also doesn’t want Supermodel’s Not-Really-Evil Sister Mal in the car with them. Gee, I wonder what this evening’s drama will be?

Oh, hai, Mal! She’s back in town and ready for DRAAMAA! She tries to ask some sense into her stupid sister’s head, but we’ve heard this song before, haven’t we? She flat-out calls Papa Smurf an “asshole,” which pisses off the Lady Cynthia, so she strikes back by telling her she can’t ride in the limo. DRAAMAA!

Papa Smurf is on the phone, yelling at The Limo Company…because the limo ain’t there! Oh, no! Y’know, I think they might be putting a bit too much into this one-year anniversary party business.

THE FESTIVITIES BEGIN! All the C and D-List stars of Atlanta are there, clamoring for free food and camera time. Only thing is, there isn’t much food. At least there’s plenty of cheap booze! The Lady Supermodel is having her weave styled, and it makes her look like Dracula and Cleopatra Jones had a supermodel lovechild. NeNe shows up, wearing a hideous outfit and trying to show off, but the men are NOT impressed. As NeNe sidles up to Marlo the Concubine, they begin squealing and schmoozing each other. Just in view is a tastefully dressed woman who smirks and gives them the most awesome side-eye ever. If I were at that party, she and I would be shit talking the HELL out of NeNe and the Concubine…who happens to not be with the afflicted football player anymore. Oh, no, children, she’s “traded up,” which in the parlance of this show seems to mean “she’s now dating a white guy.” NeNe, who claims to be also dating a white man (O RLY?) interviews, “White is right, and I think it’s great.” I can’t even with that statement, because the DRAAMAA begins with the entrance of the Wicked Sister and Mother. The Evil Mother flat-out says she didn’t think Supermodel and Papa Smurf would make it a whole year…she’s “excited” that they made it, but immediately begins shit-talking Papa Smurf. Lady Supermodel claims that this $10,000 one-year anniversary party was a “small budget.” Bitch, that’s foolish.

Speaking of foolish, the Concubine explains why she isn’t with the afflicted football player, even though it’s not really much of an explanation. I’ve got a theory: New Dude has more money than Old Dude.

Sheree arrives…and shit ain’t far behind. Lawrence wants to get the tea from the Concubine about her dropping the F-bomb in South Africa…and the Concubine lies through her teeth. Straight up lies. Bitch, IT’S ON TAPE. Lawrence is not buying the shit that the Concubine is selling.


Kandi notes that Sheree loves to throw people under the bus…but won’t woman up and say straight up that the Concubine said the shit she said.

But back to the main shit of the evening, Papa Smurf straight up disses Malorie in front of everyone. See, new money. He has no class whatsofuckingever. Malorie is in tears. Does Cynthia apologize? Tell Papa Smurf he needs to get his ass in check? NO. Malorie tells Cynthia that she needs to stop taking up for that overbearing asswipe. And she does, cause that? Was some bullshit.


Real Housewives of Atlanta: Shit Stirring by Sheree March 5, 2012

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Last Time: The ladies went to Africa and all was well in the world…until Cynthia and Kandi shit-talked Kim. DRAMA!

DAMMIT, these heffas are still in South Africa! But it’s their last day, so I should probably schedule my coronary for later. Lady Marlo inveigles some poor woman to help pack her luggage. NeNe thinks the ladies who do not care for Lady Marlo are “petty.” Cynthia and Kandi discuss the events of the prior evening, thus setting up the drama for tonight’s installment. Kandi is concerned that Sheree is putting her on “front street.” I did not realize ladies of such breeding used such common language.

Lady Marlo’s indentured servant is still packing, but is soon inveigled by the Lady NeNe to help pack her items. The Ladies are serenaded on their way out, and the Lady Phaedra notes that one must do more than “superficial things.” The Lady Sheree notes that the Africans are just “happy to be alive.” She’s learned so much. The Lady Cynthia says that petty things don’t matter…at least until they get back to the United States.

Back at the Biermann Manor, the Lady Kim is trying to find a nanny of sufficient class and breeding. She has two housekeepers, but the Manor needs so much more help. It’s so difficult to find good help, as the Lady Kim is finding out. She is distraught that Sweetie is sunbathing. Such is the life of the 1%.

At the Lady Cynthia’s estate, we are treated to a complaint about flying first-class. Lord Peter is helping Noelle with homework—they don’t have someone for that? At any rate, the Lady Cynthia has brought gifts…for Noelle. Lord Peter doesn’t get shit, but he still tells the Lady Cynthia that he is planning a celebration for their one-year anniversary. Certainly, this will occur without ANY problems.

Speaking of problems, the Lady NeNe’s ne-er do well son Bryson has been arrested, leading Lord Peter to spout some misogynistic bullshit about a man needing a man to raise him. Shut up, Papa Smurf.

I do not like Mama Joyce’s wig. Kandi tries to explain to Mama Joyce that Sheree is a shit-stirrer and that Kim ain’t a racist. Kandi does not want to have a falling out with Sheree or Kim. Dear, what is a season of the Real Housewives WITHOUT a falling out?

Anyway, we return to the Biermann Manor as the Lady Kim relates her sudden problems with Sweetie the Assistant and Kandi to Kendra the Interior Decorator…who also happens to be the woman from whom she and Kroy’s Fine Ass are leasing the house. IT’S A LEASE?!?

Fig. 1: Mmm, hm.

And what does the Lady Kim do that she needs an assistant?

The Ladies Phaedra and Kandi drive through Buckhead and discuss moving on up to the East Side. They want to see how the Lady Sheree’s new palatial and modern estate is coming along…
…it isn’t.

At the Biermann Manor, the Lady Sheree arrives to discuss the excursion to South Africa. Lady Kim buys Sheree’s lies hook, line and sinker. She minimizes her role in the shit-talking about Kim. Phaedra and Kandi arrive. Phaedra: “Lord have mercy, I know before the end of this lovely luncheon somebody is gonna bring up something about this black baby shenanigans and I’m gonna have to relive another episode of foolery.” Yep, pretty much.

Lord Peter got a prescription for Viagra. COMMERCIALS. He wants to throw a lavish party, but doesn’t bring his checkbook. The party planner is all, “Fuck a bunch of THIS.” Speaking of, the Lady NeNe refuse to bail ne’er do well Bryson out of jail—she says it’s time to show him “tough love.” Lord Peter implores her to bail him out. He’s an idiot. Shut up, fool.

Anyway. Back at the Biermann (LEASED) Manor, the Ladies who lunch and lease discuss the trip to South Africa. A tense silence ensues…and then Sheree-induced hell breaks loose. Kandi tries to explain “what really happened,” but Sheree will have none of this. Facts? Not in Sheree’s world! Phaedra ain’t even bothering…until Kandi asks her to weigh in as a neutral party. Kandi notes that there’s no use in trying to deal with Sheree. Kim claims that Sheree is a friend—a friend who pulls weave and talks shit.

Real Housewives of Atlanta: A Golddigging Fantasy February 27, 2012

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Gather ’round, children!

Once upon a time, there was a golddigger named Kim. She was the fairest in all the land of Atlanta. Her boobs were spectacular, but alas, they were not real. Her flaxen hair was the best that could be provided by Kim’s House of Wigs. She desperately wanted to be loved and showered with gold and baubles. She thought that her prince had come in the form of a married dude named Big Poppa. Alas, she was wrong. Our golddigger also wanted fame, so she thought that that ship had come in the form of a dalliance with another woman. But alas, that was not to last.

Then, one magical evening, Big Poppa dropped our golddigger off at a ball. An elegant ball attended by everyone in the land. And then, like a ray of light shining through dark clouds, a handsome, young, fine-assed football player named Sir Kroy appeared. Did I mention that he was a football player? For the Atlanta Falcons? CHA-CHING! I mean, LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT!

Our golddigger was happy! However, the road to true gold must be paved, and what better pavement than a baby. Thus it was, our golddigger got seriously knocked up by the Fine Ass of Sir Kroy. In the land of Atlanta, that’s called “taking it slow.” And thus it was, in the due course of time, our golddigger delivered unto the world a little bundle of gold—I mean, joy. Everyone in the land marveled at how fair Prince Kroy Jagger Biermann was, including Kim’s really creepy dad, Joe. I mean, seriously. Dude also made a boob joke about his daughter and later commented on said daughter’s sex life with the Fine Ass of Kroy. Freak.

Anyway, our goldigger’s happiness was to be made more complete when she and Sir Kroy moved into the Biermann Estate. The Lady Brielle did not realize that Sir Kroy wouldn’t be the pushover that her mother is and would require that she contribute to the well-being of Biermann Manor. Sir Kroy also revealed unto our golddigger that he likes firearms and chopping wood, things that the Lady Kim found déclassé. Not willing to disturb connubial bliss, our dear golddigger took up shooting. All was happy. For a time.

The unconfined happiness of the Biermann Estate was to be interrupted by the horror that is Sir Kroy’s job. Seriously, this show treats Kroy going off to NFL training camp like he’s going to Afghanistan. Anyway, this fairy tale is not over, as Bravo wants ratings gold in the form of a show revolving entirely around the Lady Kim’s wedding to Sir Kroy. Everyone in the land shall watch and be entertained!

Real Housewives of Atlanta: Same Screeching, Different Country February 20, 2012

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Last Time: Screeching chickens screeched in South Africa. NeNe wasn’t one of the screeching chickens. They saw animals and engaged in a bit of “philanthropy,” thus reinforcing the view of “Africa” as a benighted wasteland full of wildlife and poor black people. FUN!
The ladies ever so demurely sit down to take tea. However, there is no tea, so they drink white wine. I’m certain it is only the best that South Africa has to offer. As they take tea—I mean, wine, they reflect on the absolute blessing it is to Be An American and their burden to bring toilet paper to all the brown children in the world. Phaedra believes that this is a bonding moment and that the recent unpleasantness will soon be behind them.

She also believes that it is her duty to serve as a cultural ambassador, for not all of the ladies share her pedigree. Thus, she takes them to a museum based on Xhosa culture. The burden of enlightenment is such a heavy one! They meet a sangoma—an herbalist. He mentions bones, which offends the delicate sensibilities of our dear Phaedra. She wishes she had her holy oil and prayer cloth, for this ritual is not what proper women partake of. The sangoma tries to read Kandi and the Concubine, but since this ceremony doesn’t have a label attached to it, she really cannot be interested. Sangoma tells Sheree she is too old and will not get married. It’s in the bones. This is turning out to be a most decidedly uncomfortable cultural encounter.

The Concubine ever so gracefully shows the ladies all the sedate shoes and purses she brought. She brought 29 pairs of shoes. I’m gratified she was able to show such restraint. Over tea—I mean, wine, the ladies who lunch chat about providing domestic bliss. Carnal domestic bliss. Cynthia thinks the ladies are beginning to bond, but the Concubine and Kandi start a little tete-a-tete. Kandi finds the continued discussion of labels and brands déclassé. NeNe defends the Concubine’s honor, but the Concubine will not be defended! She LOVES FASHION! She loves it so much, she gets sick the next day. But, being a proper lady of breeding, she does not wish to go to an “African doctor.” She cannot go on safari. Cynthia: “I guess it’s gonna be a pretty quiet safari.” Phaedra thinks the sangoma put a hex upon the Concubine!

Julius the Patient takes the ladies—minus NeNe and the Concubine—on yet another safari. This affords “the Smalls” an opportunity to sway Cynthia to their noble cause. Kandi notes that Cynthia and she have similar backgrounds of proper breeding and taste. Sadly, it’s that which the Concubine lacks. How can she be so déclassé? Cynthia interviews that she feels The Smalls are more inviting. She and Kandi cannot visualize their dear absent Kim holding a poor black benighted baby in a poor, benighted orphanage. Surely this will not soon become a point of contention! As the ladies lunch, NeNe arrives, concerned that the Smalls will take the opportunity to convert Cynthia. This is a very war for Cynthia’s soul!

NeNe did not come to Africa to engage in distasteful conversation about a lady and is thus nonplussed with all of this unladylike talk about the Concubine. Why, obsessive concern about labels is perfectly normal, says Cynthia, to the surprise of the Smalls, who were convinced that they had convinced Cynthia of the error of her ways. Kandi: “She clearly has a different opinion when NeNe is around.”

The Smalls call Kim, so concerned are they for her welfare. Kim is doing her best to manage the Biermann estate. She reminisces about past unpleasantness with NeNe, but the subject soon turns to whether or not Kim would have come in the first place. Kandi is none too pleased with Sheree’s revelation to Kim of what Kandi and Cynthia said during the safari. Kim, reeling from these revelations, discusses this development with the help—I mean, her personal assistant, Sweetie. This does not bode well for future events.
As the ladies sit down to dinner, Kandi would like to discuss the recent conversation with Lady Kim. NeNe is quite amused by this: “So y’all had to get back and report to your boss?” Sheree would prefer that Kandi pull her aside and discuss this with her in private, as all ladies of proper taste and breeding do. But then, the conversation turns to the Concubine’s obsession with labels, but none of the other ladies will support Kandi in her correct observations. Cynthia notes that the more things change, the more they stay the same. Well, Lady Cynthia, if you’d had an ounce of a spine, perhaps things would have been different.

Real Housewives of Atlanta: Black Women’s Burden February 13, 2012

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Last Time: Marlo the Concubine took this opportunity to show her homophobic ass and begin squawking like a beweaved bird. Sheree followed suit.

Hey, we’re still in Africa. South Africa, that is. We seem to have picked up right where we left off, so I’m checking out until these chickens start speaking English again. Phaedra: “I rebuke the Devil.” Ha! Sheree’s friend is apparently a loud homosexual who rents out humans to play with fire. Sheree’s loud homosexual friend also knows a lot of hot people, such as Vince. He’s from Botswana. Vince from Botswana can totally get it. He claims to know who Xscape was, and that totally flatters Kandi. That means we must now start talking about sex. Sheree thinks that Kandi might finally get laid. But Kandi’s all “He doesn’t even have a job.” So no Kandi Koated Nights for you, Vince from Botswana!

Meanwhile, the Concubine, Cynthia and NeNe go to Nobu. A restaurant. Cynthia is disappointed, because she wanted to hang out in the bush. She is also surprised and insulted that the Concubine dropped the word “faggot.” NeNe is likewise chagrined. Maybe it’s a growth moment for our NeNe!

All the ladies make it to Jade. A nightclub. Because you can’t do that in the States! The Concubine gives Sheree the finger and starts making Euros rain. Kandi: “She wants to entice Sheree into something.” Kandi and Phaedra wisely start picking up all them Euros.

Y’all, this was only the FIRST DAY.

The next day, the ladies are quite exhausted, as they spent all night partying. Poor ladies. They make it to a game reserve to see animals. Dumb Concubine wants to know if this luxury game reserve does hair and make-up. Phaedra: “Get over yourself!” The Concubine whines about closet space. The ladies have to dip their delicate hands in a bowl to choose their rooms. Phaedra is thrilled that the Concubine is in the room she least wanted to be in.

The next day, Cynthia is ready to go. Where are the rest of you bitches ladies! Cynthia is ready to see South Africa! Because she’s been there before! And she is not a labelwhore, like NeNe and Concubine! Oddly, Sheree claims she isn’t one, either. I guess she can’t afford to be. Concubine name drops brands like a twenty year old.

So, the ladies safari and see animals. Well, they try to. Poor Cynthia is stuck with the Concubine and NeNe. She’s embarrassed and thinks they’re acting childish. I’d totally want to hang with Phaedra and Kandi. Their tour guide picks up some elephant dung and explains its medicinal properties. Sheree, Kandi, and Phaedra don’t appear convinced.

For some reason, this vacation involves a trip to an orphanage. I wonder why. Would this have something to do with social awareness? Phaedra wants to show them “the other side of Africa.” Ever notice how none of the other Real Housewives shows have such shows when the women go invade another country? Anyway, schoolchildren entertain the ladies and the ladies buy a ton of supplies for the school and the orphanage. Somewhere along the way, this turned into a Very Special Episode of The Amazing Race. We’ll be back to drama, screaming, and acting foolish next week.

Real Housewives of Atlanta: Crazy People Squawking in South Africa January 30, 2012

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Last Time: All these bitches acted like they wanted to go to Africa. Except Kim. What’s up with that? Marlo the Concubine backdoors her criminal ass into the show. Then they go to Africa. The whole damn continent.

They’re flying. And yes, they’re going to South Africa. We get a lot of in-flight shit. I would hate to be in first-class with these women. I’d have to have some Bose headphones. But they and their metric ton of luggage make it to South Africa without major incident. Cue vaguely African music! Kandi does wonder if these bitches have any common sense. Short answer: NO.

NeNe has no idea that Cape Town would look like a city, and Marlo the Concubine hates sharing bathrooms. Well, the Concubine must really have hated being in the clink, then. She must have hated it each and every one of the seven times she got arrested. Phaedra notes that the Concubine should have planned her own damn trip so she could have her own fucking bathroom. The Concubine proceeds to try to give etiquette lessons. Remember, this bitch was NOT EVEN INVITED. Oh, wait. She probably was…by Bravo.

They get to their luxury apartments and it turns into America’s Next Top Model. Ladies, choose your rooms! The poor concierge then has to deal with the Concubine asking all sorts of stupid fucking shit. Ugly American? Thy name is Marlo Hampton.
Kandi’s about sick and damn tired of the Concubine’s attempts to “erase her past.” Well, Phaedra will not be outdone! She knows the King! Of what, I don’t fucking know. She got everyone a gift…well, everyone except the Concubine. Well, that’s what you get for getting casually plus-one’d, says Phaedra. To add to it, Sheree knows someone who is throwing a party, and she’s going. So is Kandi. And so is Phaedra. Oops. AWKWARD!

Oh, hai, Kim! Blah blah blah, stuff happens that isn’t remotely interesting. I hate Kim’s father. He’s creepy. Kim begins whining about her “assistant.” Bitch, shut up.

Back in South Africa, the women go on a boat. Phaedra notes that, Kandi excluded, the other women have no interest in discussing politics or South Africa’s history…because they probably don’t know it. We’ll have none of that, when there’s drama to be had! And we do, courtesy of the Concubine, of course. Will no one put this heffa in her place?

Ok, I’m’a say this: I like Sheree, Kandi, and Phaedra. The Cynthia-NeNe-Concubine triumvirate is just a black hole of stupidity and vapidity. Sheree invites Cynthia to the Friend Dinner…but not NeNe and the Concubine. And why should she? Anyway, Cynthia goes run-tell-dat to NeNe and the Concubine. NeNe stupidly says that Sheree could have invited the Concubine. Again, why should she? Showing her classiness, Concubine busts up in Sheree’s spot is all “Why ain’t you invite me?”

Oh, this bitch goes there: “That’s why you don’t have a man. Go and hang with them faggots with your ugly stupid ass. Fuck you, bitch.” Don’t believe me? WATCH:

Fig. 1: Diary of a Bunch of Crazy Heffas.

Rant time, children! Look, Marlo, you useless-assed concubine. I realize that Bravo knows that you are a ratings goldmine. You’re loud, stupid, delusional, and desperate to grab on to any kind of fame. You have a checkered past that makes a Bravo executive salivate. But bitch, when you drop the f-bomb, know that the children will NOT be lining up to support you. Please know, you troglodyte that we “faggots” have more class in our little fingers than you do in your entire body—trite weave included. You aren’t even a flash-in-the-pan, and you aren’t due fifteen minutes of fame. You’re trying to give people lessons on etiquette, but don’t have enough common sense to not invite yourself along for a trip to South Africa and you for damn sure don’t have enough decency to not complain once you get there! Check yourself, please.

Real Housewives of Atlanta: “Shaping Up and Shipping Out” January 23, 2012

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Children, I know I missed a week. Life has been busy, but watching this week’s installment, it’s clear that I haven’t missed a thing.

This won’t be so much as a recap as a bit of a rant about the proceedings. The framing device for this episode is a trip to “Africa.” Apparently, Phaedra has organized this trip–and I have no idea what that actually means. Anyone with two partially-functional brain cells knows that Bravo’s footing the bill for this. That doesn’t bug me nearly as much as the repeated invocation of going to “Africa.” They talk as though Africa is some undifferentiated whole. The women keep mentioning lions and safari and other stereotypical shit that you know they wouldn’t mention if they were going to, say, England. Cynthia mentions South Africa, so I can only assume that that is indeed where they’re going.

Speaking of Cynthia, she apparently inveigles NeNe to come along. The producers had nothing to do with that, I’m sure, just as I’m sure they didn’t bother to get Kim to go. They’re saving that dogwhistle for next week. Of course, NeNe says yes. What’s a trip to “Africa” without some damn drama? So NeNe does what any reasonable person does: she invites Marlo the Concubine along for the trip. And, of course, the Concubine says yes.

Let’s talk about the Concubine for a moment, shall we? There’s a little bit in which NeNe goes to visit Marlo the Concubine with a rap sheet longer than this recap. Remember, NeNe has described the Concubine as “high society,” as was allegedly displayed during the “Captain Planet” jewelry “charity” auction. Anyway, you’d think that someone as “high society” as the Concubine would be living in a Buckhead high-rise or in a palatial manor on Cascade Road.

No. This useless wretch lives in a tackily over-decorated townhouse. As the Concubine drags NeNe through the house, she shows NeNe every bit of nouveau riche bullshit. Again, this is all designed to put NeNe in her place. If NeNe foolishly thinks she’s high-society, well, Marlo’s going to go the extra mile to let Ms. Leakes know that she is not, in fact, hot shit.

Well, guess what, Concubine? Neither are you. Sure, you can show off a high-tech security system, designer furniture and a closet chock-full of designer shoes, but all this is garish “new money.” She–and I’d probably say the majority of the cast–don’t have anything the form of real money. Outside of Phaedra and Kandi, all I see are tacky homes, tacky clothes, and a pretense at wealth. Also, it’s a pretense which will quickly fall apart.

Anyway, off to Africa! The ladies are all at Hartsfield…when Marlo shows up. Watching the looks on their faces was priceless. Phaedra didn’t appear to bother to conceal her disdain at the Concubine’s arrival. Looks like next week should be quite interesting.

Real Housewives of Atlanta: “Unlikely Duos” January 9, 2012

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Last Time: Kandi wants to do country. Phaedra wants to start a funeral home. Cynthia wants her husband to stop being a dick. Everybody wants to rule the world.

Happy New Year, children! Let’s see what these hot messes have in store for us in the year of our doom 2012! We begin with Phaedra, Prince Ayden and Pastor Regina. I wonder if Pastor Regina knows about Ridickulous? Phaedra is still talking about doing this funeral home thing. Pastor Regina is excited about it…because she thinks she can get on board with this. Well, Apollo sure as hell ain’t on board. Phaedra wants to produce funerals with PIZAZZ. All righty then.

We shuffle right on over to Cynthia and Papa Smurf. They’re going to salsa lessons, but Cynthia’s still butthurt from Papa Smurf’s absence at that tacky assed party for her tacky assed modeling school or whatever the hell the Bailey Agency is supposed to be. Papa Smurf says that they don’t have fun anymore. Show of hands—when did we ever see this couple having fun? Cynthia says their major problem is communication. He says that he doesn’t like to say goodbye—even if he’s just leaving a tacky assed party. Is this a salsa lesson or a therapy session? Both of them double down on the crazy. Finally, “Andrea” brings her ass into the scene for this odd salsa lesson—-and then we go to commercial. Oy, vey.

When we come back, we’re now visiting Kim and her family. Kim’s wearing a dress that is really showing off her breasts. Kroy’s Fine Ass is wandering around this giant house that his money is barely going to be able to pay for. His face is frozen in blank horror as Kim eats up all his signing bonus on Versace place settings ($500 per setting). Brielle is becoming Bitchelle. Kroy’s Fine Ass tries to turn into Kroy’s Hard Ass. Ariana continues fulfilling her role as The Good Daughter. Kim, you really need to curb your spending habits before Kroy’s Fine Ass sends your ass packing.

What? We’re in Nashville? I wonder why? Oh, yes. We’re here to see Kandi claim that Jo Dee Messina “invited” her to write a song with her. I really don’t understand this happening. What is happening here? Anyway, Kandi sings a song she’s written, and Jo Dee has a frozen grin on her face that is all, “No.” She lies and says it’s good stuff. It so fucking isn’t. Has Kandi ever listened to country music? EVER?

NeNe is having lunch with Marlo the Concubine. NeNe says that she does not have beef with the Concubine. They begin talking about the Irrelevant Football Player. The Concubine is trying for all she’s worth to be a new Housewife. NeNe interviews that she’ll never fight over another dude. Well, I hope not, especially Irrelevant Football Player, because he looks afflicted.

Fig. 1: Ladies, please do not fight over this man. Seriously. Come on.

Anyway, the Concubine says that she’s been arrested seven times. NeNe: “Now say what now?” She says she thinks that the Concubine is real. Real crazy, I betcha. The Concubine says she doesn’t like drama…which means that bitch ain’t nothing BUT drama.

Fig. 2: Moral of the story: don’t mess with crazy.

Speaking of, Sheree shows up to help Kim get her pre-baby body back. Sheree’s like, “Damn, I’ll never see anything like this!” She interviews that she didn’t have much luck snagging a professional athlete. No shit. Sheree tries to get that beweaved idiot to work out, but Kim complains the entire fucking time. Sheree: “I don’t think that Kim will ever be as dedicated to health and fitness as I am…” She is the master of the understatement this episode, isn’t she? She tries to motivate Kim by referencing Kroy’s Fine Ass—if that doesn’t get her doing some crunches, I don’t know what will.

Moving on…we’re now at Willie Watkins’s Funeral Home again. Phaedra is trying to get the Hot Piece of Ass intrigued in the mortuary business. Why the hell is she going to Watkins to ask for business advice? And why the hell is Bravo putting subtitles on everything Willie is saying? He’s speaking English. Jesus, Bravo. I will say this: HPoA is cutting a nice figure in a suit. Mmm HM.

We’re back in Nashville at some country store. Kandi remarks that she’ll be the only black person in the store. She also interviews that she thinks she has country swag. This is stupid.

NeNe goes to the “Captain Planet Foundation Jewelry Fundraiser.” THE HELL? Captain Planet?!?

Fig. 3: Is the real Captain Planet gonna have to choke a bitch?

Anyway, it’s weird for NeNe to hang out with the Concubine as she’s hanging around these shady people. I don’t believe this is an actual charity for a minute. Anyway, this is allegedly related to Ted Turner. This is some bullshit. NeNe says she doesn’t need a $25,000 pair of earring, which is correct because she fucking can’t afford them. Frankly, I think the Concubine “invited” NeNe to this soiree to let NeNe know who’s boss and who’s really got the funds.

HPoA shows up to Phaedra’s office with flowers. He claims that he doesn’t want to be tainted by working with dead bodies. He’s nice to look at, but he really ought not speak. Anyway, he surprisingly decides to support Phaedra’s Fantasy Funerals. Aren’t you surprised? I was surprised. Totally. Completely.

Anyway, Cynthia and Papa Smurf visit some one-off church to get some counseling from Pastor Pollard. He whips out his iPad and I’m irritated. Because I don’t have one. Anyway, they blather about their individual lunacies. Pollard strings words together in an incomprehensible sentence. Then both Papa Smurf and Cynthia begin hurling sentences at each other. These idiots seem to think that marriage is always supposed to be wine and roses, but I truly couldn’t care less. I’ve got shit in my refrigerator that has a longer shelf life than this marriage.

Real Housewives of Atlanta: “New Tricks” December 18, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Real Housewives.
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Last Time: Kim brings home a baby, Kandi brings useless drama, Sheree brings Phaedra business, and Bob the Ex brings a surprise motion. Everybody gets something!

Tonight’s “supersized” episode begins with Phaedra Parks, Attorney at Law, getting those billable hours from Sheree. Phaedra has on too much goddamn eyeshadow. Sheree is pissed about the last time in court, but Phaedra thinks things are going well. Phaedra lets Sheree know that she is handling the business she needs to handle, but Sheree thinks that Bob is two steps ahead. Phaedra puts it down: “You didn’t put money down until the day before.” Sheree gon’ find out that Phaedra don’t play. Phaedra pretty much says, “Bitch, you need to find another lawyer.” Good move. Sheree tries to act like she was going to fire Phaedra. Bitch, please.

At Casa de Kim, Kroy’s Fine Ass is just…around. Anyway, Kim is planning on moving in with Kroy’s Fine Ass. Kim meets with an interior designer to spend up more of Kroy’s Fine Ass’s money. Oh, they’re moving into a 17,000 square foot house. She really is down with the 99%, that Kim.

Cynthia and Papa Smurf show up at some typical Atlanta art event. She invited the rest of the cast to the show, saying she wants to bring more New York class to Atlanta. Sheree interviews that she loves art and clothes. What up with that clothing line, Sheree? NeNe shows up in a hideous outfit…as does the Concubine (her name is Marlo). Cynthia claims that Marlo the Concubine is “high society.” Kandi spreads shit about the Concubine’s claim about God giving her money. To her credit, she does say this to the Concubine’s face. Kandi interviews, “Does she blow to get money?”

The next filmed day, Cynthia is doing a photo shoot. She claims that she and Papa Smurf were “selected” by “hot” photographer Drexina (is she Romulan?) as a hot couple, so they decide to pimp the soon to fail Bar One. Papa Smurf tells Cynthia that her invites to her School of Beauty will not get where they need to be when they need to. Cynthia whines that she needs Papa Smurf to call Malorie to mail out the invites posthaste. He ain’t trying to hear that. Papa Smurf notes that he’s failed 99 times. Gurl, you too old to keep failing.

It’s moving day for Kim! I hope to various deities that Kroy is making massive amounts of money and has phenomenal stats. I mean, a 17,000 square foot house? Anyway, Kim micromanages the movers and fusses over her wigs. Kroy’s Fine Ass looks like he’s beginning to regret some things. Anyway, Bravo reminisces over life at the townhouse…over the past couple of seasons. They even included the DJ Tracy faux-lesbianism nonsense. It’s so obviously contrived.

NeNe is trying to talk some sense into her son Dumb Ass. Bryson is 22 and aimless. NeNe wants him to show some kind of firing synapses and hopes that he is wearing condoms when he has sex. Who would let that on top of them? NeNe interviews that Bryson has grown up more in the past year. Good for him. At least he has a decent haircut now.

Don Juan, Kandi’s Manager tells Kandi to stop doing non-profit work for stupid people—specifically, Kim and Lawrence. I guess Lawrence’s sub-subplot went nowhere fast. He’s all, “Heffa, we need to be making money!” Kandi wants to do a country album. Wha–? Don Juan and Kandi talk in very oblique ways and say that country music is pretty much “Whites Only.” Honey, stick with what you know.

Anyway, at Kroy’s Fine Assed Home, the interior designer wants to finish the house. It’s allegedly the same day…but now it’s night. Where the fuck do they live? In another state? Again, this is some editing bullshit. Kroy’s Fine Ass is all, “Um, how much is this shit costing me?” The baby’s bedroom is so tacky. So tacky. I can’t even describe it.

Oh, wait. It gets worse. Ariana’s bedroom is worse. And Brielle’s bedroom is five times worse than that. This is nouveau riche run amok. Kim is happy that she found a football player to make all her dreams come true. Aw, aren’t you just happy that the gold digger found the right pot of gold?

Kandi’s in the recording studio when she gets a Skype call from Jo Dee Messina. They talk about Lil’Ronnie writing a country song, since he wrote a “hit” for American Idol scourge Scotty McCreery. Anyway, Jo Dee isn’t really crazy about country ballads. Kandi notes that not many African Americans have gotten into country. No shit, Sherlock. Lil’Ronnie is all, “No, we won’t be doing any man bashing songs.”

Malorie walks into Cynthia’s and has a cup full of ‘tude. Cynthia notes that people don’t think models are smart. Well, honey, you ain’t busting that curve. Cynthia whines that people didn’t RSVP so she doesn’t know how many people are coming to her whatever event. She’s really stressed, so of course, she begins crying—right as the poor make-up gay is trying to do her damn make-up. Kelvin the Make-Up Gay is all, “Bitch, take five seconds and breathe so I can finish this shit!” Malorie really isn’t helping to alleviate the stress. Those two are going to be great friends when they get older.

Cynthia is concerned that people might not show up to her soiree…but she need not worry. There are people at this event! Including Regina Belle, recording artist! Malorie bitches that Papa Smurf is there for the fun, but not for the work. Mal, I think you missed the point. Kandi shows up, wearing shit that is too goddamn tight. So, I think what she’s doing is a school of modeling. Will there be houses? Like Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw? Anyway, Cynthia lets Kandi know that in New York, Center of Culture, everyone RSVPs, unlike the bumpkins in Atlanta. She also hopes that NeNe and Kim don’t start shit.

Phaedra: “If Cynthia can trick em into paying her some money to think that they gon’ be models and hopefully build their self esteem so that they can go to school and be a lawyer or a doctor or something else that is guaranteed money, then it’s a great concept. Mm hm.”

The Concubine arrives. I bet she wants to be a housewife. She stands next to Phaedra to take pictures. Disinterested, Apollo walks off. Sheree interviews that Cynthia needs to put on the A/C. Kim and Kroy arrive. She hopes that Moose NeNe doesn’t show up and she interviews without a trace of irony, “I don’t really know Marlo, but I’ve heard that Marlo sleeps with wealthy men and they give her money or buy her nice things. Who does that?” Presented without comment.

Enter the Moose. NeNe arrives, and Kim notes that this is the first time that she’s been in the same room with her. Kandi overhears NeNe say that she used to be a model: “NeNe says she used to be a model, which…well, she’s really tall.” HA! Anyway, Concubine out the blue goes in on Kandi about the questions about her money. Kim: “Marlo got her money from God. Ha! No, bitch. God gave you a hole for you to make your money from.” Anyway, Concubine acts like she’s got dirt on Kandi, claiming that she’s heard that Kandi’s a sugar mama. Oooooh!

Kroy’s Fine Ass finds all this humorous. Everyone finds Concubine’s explanation of how she got her money foolish. Kim finds this drama tiresome, so she leaves the premises. Hell, if I had Kroy’s Fine Ass, we’d have just stopped in to say hi, have a drink and then back to the house. I am just saying.

I also note that everyone is fanning themselves. I guess Sheree is right—the A/C either isn’t on or it isn’t working. Speaking of not working, Cynthia can’t find Papa Smurf for her big moment. So sad. So very, very sad. Well, see y’all next week!

Real Housewives of Atlanta: “Law By Sheree” December 14, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Real Housewives.
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Last Time: Kandi wants to do an adult toy line. Some idiot football player and his concubine make their idiotic debut at NeNe’s expense. Kim delivers her bundle of joy, Kroy, Jr. Sheree gets served! But wait, didn’t this just happen, like, two days ago?

Well, Bravo thinks we need a special episode of RHoAtlanta, so, here we go! Sheree is at Phaedra’s office to let her know that she got served. Bob’s salary has dropped, so he wants to modify the child support that Sheree claims he never paid. Phaedra want to be the “legal eagle” she needs to be; she suggests getting Bob’s Broke Ass arrested, but Sheree doesn’t want that. To be that legal eagle, she’s going to have to start billing Sheree. Oh, this ain’t going to end well.

Over at Kandi’s radio show, she has invited the irrelevant football player and his concubine. Gee. I wonder if the producers had any hand in this? Especially since Kandi is talking about “how to catch a baller.” Irrelevant football player blathers about women not…doing something. Or carrying themselves like hookers. As I live and blog, this has been a day of irrelevant dumbasses saying dumb shit. Ok, that’s it. He is Irrelevant Football Player (IFP) and she is The Concubine. The Concubine says that her money comes from God. Kandi interviews that the Concubine had a white sugar daddy. This is some hot assed mess and makes me glad I no longer live in Atlanta. Kandi: “I reveal too much about myself.” Yes, honey. You do. Gworl, could you PLEASE get laid?

Kim and Kroy’s Fine Ass and Kroy, Jr. are ready to go home. Aw, how special. Kim can’t believe he’s here. Brioche doesn’t look happy. Neither is that ugly-assed dog. Is it time for a commercial, yet? I really hope it’s time for a commercial.

Cynthia. Oh, Cynthia. She’s hanging out with Sheree—-psych! No, she’s hanging out with NeNe, of course. They go to some boutique to “shop.” Kandi’s stupid radio show comes up, and Cynthia brings up Irrelevant Football Player and the Concubine. NeNe notes that she never slept with IFP, but Cynthia’s Dumb Ass claims to like the Concubine and thinks that NeNe will like her too. NeNe pooh-poohs that with extreme pooh-poohage.
Sheree rolls up in her Aston-Martin Porsche. Phaedra thinks it’s not so smart to be rolling in a rented Porsche when you’re trying to get money from your afflicted ex. Phaedra also has to counsel this idiot about what to wear. You clearly can’t roll in court wearing D&G and Louboutins. Did I spell the name of those shoes correctly? I could check, but I clearly don’t give a flying fuck. I wear shoes whose names you can fucking spell…and afford. Anyway, Sheree’s an idiot, because she doesn’t see what the big deal is. Bitch, you’re trying to get money! You’re supposed to look a little broke down. God. Anyway, Sheree’s got a big ass. Phaedra thinks she should save the phat ass for the club. She’s also positive they’ll be fine. FORESHADOWING…

Kandi is meeting some woman to talk about her sex toy line of sex. That’s really all that can be said about this. To borrow from Evil Willow, “Bored now.”

Kim’s feeding KJ. Brioche lets loose a sneeze full of deadly pathogens. This infuriates Kim, who interrogates Brioche about her plans on being a good sister. Apparently, she attacked The Other One with a spork. Sweetie the Assistant washes Kim’s harem of wigs, while Kim wishes for Kroy’s Fine Ass to return and restore masculine order to this den of female unruliness.

Phaedra arrives at work. Steven gives her a cup. He is apparently on his job. Good for Steven! Latoya tells Phaedra that she went to get the check from Sheree…but she ain’t have the check. The $5,000 retainer check. Phaedra notes that Sheree has had some…issues…with paying attorneys. Don’t phuck with Phaedra’s phunds. Wasn’t that phunny? Anyway, Brandon arrives—WHO IS BRANDON?—with the check.

Sheree is in her apartment—wait? Wasn’t she in a house last season? Anyway, the emotions overcome her. Phaedra, now fully paid, calls. She says that Sheree is on the winning side—FORESHADOWING!!—but Sheree says she doesn’t have the energy. Phaedra has to pep talk her. I wonder if that’s coming out of the retainer. “Today is going to be one of the easiest days you’ve ever had.” FORESHADOWING!!!!

Elsewhere, on this Day of Judgment, Kim’s weird ass parents show up to see the baby. Kim’s dad begins attempts to socialize the baby to it’s allegedly appropriate gender. Kroy’s Fine Ass has a goatee going on. Skippy likey. Brioche does not cotton to the idea of changing that boy’s diapers. Ariellanala likes changing diapers, but Brioche just wants to text her friends and go shopping and talk about boys.

Mama Thelma shows up to support Sheree on her Day of Judgment. Sheree believes that Bob thinks he’s above the law. Well, he must be confident, since he’s representing himself. Phaedra thinks that that’s smart, as well as coming to court looking “a hot mess.” Bob hands the judge a petition for contempt. Phaedra hasn’t been served with a copy of that motion—RUH-ROH! The proceedings have been moved to September 1st. He is claiming that Sheree took furniture granted to him in the divorce, but Phaedra notes that it is a delaying tactic. He sticks his tongue out and then ambles out of the court, displaying to all the world that he is an immature nimrod. Mazel ton!

Well, after that debacle, Kandi, Phaedra and Sheree meet at a restaurant. They all act like they ain’t seen each other in a month of Sundays. They talk about the case and the contempt motion. Phaedra notes he’s filing motions willy-nilly. Sheree sourly notes that they were supposed to file a contempt motion as well. Phaedra is ticked that Sheree is critiquing her strategy. “No, ma’am,” says Phaedra. Sheree interviews that Phaedra was outsmarted by an ex-football player who represented himself in court. Kandi sympathizes; the court system in Atlanta apparently sucks ass, and both Kandi and Sheree cry. I think I hear Mary J. Blige in the background. Y’know, watching this show makes me thank various deities that I am a homosexual.