Oprah: A Post-Mortem May 27, 2011Posted by Skippy in Observations, Popular Culture, Uncategorized.
Tags: things that make you go 'hmm'
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So the Oprah Winfrey Show has aired its final episode. I decided to watch Oprah’s final episode and see how she’d end 25 years of being on television. Certainly, the promos for the final episode presented it as the End of All Things: she had clips from M*A*S*H, The Cosby Show, Cheers, and other beloved television shows and asked, “Where Will You Be?” Presumably, she was equating this final episode to those other television moments. I note she didn’t include any of the Star Trek series finales as “Where Will You Be?” moments. I am bummed. Anyway, I sat down and thought, “I can do this. I can watch an entire episode of Oprah.”
Turns out, I couldn’t—at least, I couldn’t watch it in one sitting. That was an hour of self-indulgent treacle the likes of which I don’t think I’ve ever seen on television. She was right about the finale in one respect; I would never forget it, but not because it was good or anything like that. You see, Oprah decided that she would spend her last episode preaching at her audience. Her grateful audience. Her audience of largely middle-class white women who do nothing but Oprah okays it. Her supplicants, happy to have gotten a ticket to the taping of this, her Final Episode, should have been as happy to hear from her as the supposed multitudes who flocked to hear Jesus of Nazareth—especially if it might mean they get Something(tm) from the Great and Powerful Oprah. So powerful and great is Oprah, that she was able to…um, persuade the Chicago Bulls to move their playoff game so that Oprah might make use of the United Center in order to trot out every celebrity in the known world to pay tribute to the Great and Powerful Oprah. Hell, she gave some of her devoted a trip to AUSTRAAAAALIAAAAA, so wouldn’t you expect to get something from Oprah on her final episode? Something memorable?
Well, folks, you did get something memorable. You got a forty-five minute sermon. You got Oprah virtually erasing the tabloid talk-show history of the show (she mentioned it briefly and dismissed it as her not knowing any better). You got Oprah spouting lame platitude after lame platitude and, at at least one point, dramatically pausing as though she had said The Most Profound Thing in the World and you would rapturously applaud. You didn’t. Your mistake, for your television savior would then go on and on and ON with Oprah’s Beatitudes.
After mangling a principle in physics, she told you that you “are responsible for the energy that you bring into a space.” Really? This is what Oprah thinks Newton’s Third Law of Motion means? Anyway, she then went on to tell you that you are responsible for your life. No one will save you. Or give you a free car in exchange for listening to this pedantic psychobabble. But wait—Oprah told you no one will save you, but she proceeded to subtly contradict that assertion with a brief clip show of many people disclosing Deep Dark Secrets…on The Oprah Winfrey Show.
You see, that’s the “genius” of the Gospel of Oprah and we saw that genius encapsulated in Oprah’s Sermon on the Mount. She spent the better part of twenty-five years telling you that “you” were responsible, you were capable, and you were special. However, you could only achieve such responsibility, capability and specialness via Oprah. Oprah’s Book Club, O Magazine, and, to the delight of shows like MadTV, Oprah’s Favorite Things promoted a gospel of consumption in which you could achieve all that specialness by buying stuff Oprah likes. As she ended her show, she dispensed more pop wisdom in the form of “you’re worthy.” Indeed, I saw Facebook status updates that contained some of the Beatitudes dispensed by Oprah. People responded as though those statements were the very soul of wisdom. I wanted to ask these people, “Did you really need Oprah to tell you that?”
Ah, a defender of Oprah says, she gave glory to God and Jesus! That proves that she’s humble enough to give glory to something larger than herself. Indeed. But God–that “presence bigger than herself”–deemed it so that a sperm and egg united and gave the world Oprah Winfrey! Applaud, meager supplicants! In this moment, if you were not clear that you were being preached at, it became unmistakable. The show and its history now becomes the inevitable result of divine providence.
What’s the word for that? Oh. Yes. Hubris.
By this point, a follower of the Gospel of Oprah becomes fairly indignant. “Oprah funded scholarships for young Black men!” “Oprah has done many charitable things–why do you need to tear her down?” “Oprah is one of two Black billionaires–we should honor her for her trailblazing success instead of acting like crabs in a barrel!” To all that, I say, “Poppycock!” Cultural criticism is not a zero-sum game. Oprah’s followers—and everyone else—are clearly aware of Oprah’s charitable giving, primarily because she’s let the world know that she’s engaged in charitable giving. I am much more concerned about the sheep-like devotion to Oprah I’ve seen in people. I’m irritated by statements that begin with “Well, Oprah says” as much as I’m irritated by statements that begin with “Well, pastor/bishop says,” because they are both devoid of any critical thinking. They are evidence of a slavish preoccupation with letting someone else direct, letting someone else provide pithy, one-line answers instead of doing the hard work of being honest with one’s self. Her extensive charity work doesn’t absolve her from a critical assessment of the show and the way in which she promoted a gospel of consumption and cheap self-help.
It’s interesting to note that, as she spent the hour preaching and using the twenty-five year history of the show as the focal point of her sermon, Oprah didn’t mention the controversies, the moments in which she was revealed as fallible (or, in my words, full of bullshit). What about her giving airtime to people like Jenny McCarthy, the anti-vaxer? What about her own promotion of pseudoscientific nonsense (i.e., “The Secret” or fad diets)? Oprah’s Sermon on the Mount now functions as a way of rewriting the history of the show itself and the leaving of the stage was full of religious symbolism; Oprah has now finished the course (of doing a daytime talk show) and is now ascending into her own private Heaven (control of a network). All praise your digital savior.
Five-Minute Celebrity Apprentice: “7Up Finale” May 25, 2011Posted by Skippy in Celebrity Apprentice.
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Donald Trump: THIS SEASON HAS HAD THE MOST INTERESTING CAST IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD! NOW LITERALLY ROLL OUT THE RED CARPET AS I WALK DOWN THIS SIDEWALK!
Studio Audience: We’ve been told to cheer enthusiastically for Trump, so applaud we must.
Donald Trump: I love that you all love me. Now endure this clip show!
Marlee Matlin: My event is going so well! There’s no way I can lose!
John Rich: Hey Def Leppard! Can you do a drum kick?
Def Leppard: No. Fuck you.
John Rich: Okay then!
Random People: Hey, John Rich? We’re going to give you $250k.
John Rich: Awesome, Random People! I’ve always liked you.
Random People: We really just wanted to be on television. That check’s totally made of rubber.
Donald Trump: Let’s interrupt all this with stupid banter with the fired Apprenti! By the way, Ivanka is expecting a child!
Ivanka Trump: My offspring will have my superior genes and one day will rule over you puny humans.
Donald Trump: Oh, Don Jr. is expecting a child too.
Ivanka Trump: His children will be stupid.
Don Trump, Jr.: That’s true.
Donald Trump: Well, that was fun. Let me be a friend to the Blacks now. NeNe, you were a source of endless racial stereotype.
NeNe Leakes: I never should have left Atlanta.
Star Jones: She was an embarrassment to all Professional Black Women everywhere in the entire Universe. I, on the other hand, am the very model of a modern major general.
Donald Trump: You know what would be awesome now? MOAR TALKING.
Marlee Matlin’s Interpreter: You know, I have a name bitches. It’s Jack.
John Rich: I’m going to sing a song now. Feel free to go to the kitchen and grab a snack.
Audience: Screw that. I’m getting a beer. Scratch that. I’m getting several beers.
Donald Trump: But wait! You’ll miss the great clip show of how crazy Gary Busey is!
Audience: Don’t. Care.
Donald Trump: Fine. Watch this schmaltzy song by John Rich and Marlee Matlin.
Audience: Fuck, is she going to try singing, too?
Marlee Matlin: No, I and the New York School for the Deaf will do sign language. You will feel uplifted!
Donald Trump: Have we padded this out to nearly two hours? Yes? Ok, great. John Rich, you won.
Skippy: What? What?!? This is some bullshit. Marlee totally should have won.
Donald Trump: I never said I was a friend to the deaf.
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On Friday, May 20, the Tennessee State Senate approved a measure that would forbid public school teachers from discussing homosexuality in the classroom. Dubbed the “Don’t Say Gay” bill, it appears that the troglodytic homophobes in Tennessee government seem to think that if you don’t talk about homosexuals, then we’ll simply disappear. Well, George Takei has something to say about that:
Fig. 1: It’s official: George Takei is AWESOME.
Your Obligatory “Judgment Day” Post May 20, 2011Posted by Skippy in Religion, Science Ficton.
Tags: I didn't see that coming
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Five-Minute Celebrity Apprentice: “Retro Rumble” May 18, 2011Posted by Skippy in Celebrity Apprentice.
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Meat Loaf: I outlawyered Star Jones! I am awesome!
Donald Trump: Whatever. You will now be interviewed by Three Stooges: Piers Morgan, Joan Rivers and Bret Michaels. I’ll fire two of you afterwards.
John Rich’s Interview
Joan Rivers: What will the others say negatively about you?
John Rich: I’m awesome?
Piers Morgan: That damned hat is not awesome.
Brett Michaels: Can you look Lil Jon in the eye after you squash him?
John Rich: Arglebargle? Wharrgle.
Piers Morgan: That made no damn sense. And you really are coasting on the strengths of others.
Lil Jon’s Interview
Joan Rivers: Who will be in the final two?
Lil Jon: John Rich and Marlee—
Everybody: UM, WHAT?
Piers Morgan: You’re a loser—
Lil Jon: Let me finish, bitch.
Piers Morgan: Um, do you want to win?
Lil Jon: Meh, whatever.
Piers Morgan: Why are you in this competition?
Lil Jon: To present an impossible image of rappers to confront other impossible images of rappers. Yeah.
Piers Morgan: Dude, you suck too.
Meat Loaf’s Interview
Piers Morgan: What the hell are we to call you? Meat? Loaf? Mashed? Potatoes?
Joan Rivers: You’re old, like me!
Piers Morgan: Aren’t you a big assed crybaby?
Meat Loaf: I LOVE THE CHILDREN!!!
Piers Morgan: You ARE barking mad.
Brett Michaels: Can you direct your energy to not being batshit insane?
Meat Loaf: No.
Marlee Matlin’s Interview
Brett Michaels: I totally want to bang her.
Joan Rivers: Where’s your Oscar? I want it!
Marlee Matlin: Fuck you, old woman! You can’t have it!
Brett Michaels: Do you think you can play up the disability for the win?
Marlee Matlin: Of course!
Joan Rivers: Your stand up was astonishingly…bad.
Marlee Matlin: Thank you!
Joan Rivers: Interpreter, you didn’t tell her everything, did you?
Marlee Matlin’s Interpreter: I never do.
Piers Morgan: I’m going to say something utterly insensitive and douchetastic.
Marlee Matlin: No surprises there.
Piers Morgan: Not a fan.
Marlee Matlin: Right back atcha, bitch.
Donald Trump: Ok, let’s do this. Meat Loaf. Lil Jon. You both suck. You’re fired. John and Marlee, you’re the final two!
John Rich: I will destroy her. For charity.
Marlee Matlin: I will kill him. For charity.
Donald Trump: Excellent. Here’s your final task. Free marketing and party planning and other shit for 7Up’s Retro. You’ll have to choose either the 70s and the Harlem Globetrotters or the 80s and Def Leppard. Oh, and a bunch of morons are back. Choose your teams!
Marlee Matlin: I choose Latoya, Meat Loaf (don’t cry!), and Richard Hatch.
John Rich: I choose Lil Jon, Mark McGrath, and Star Jones.
Meat Loaf: I have crazy ideas!
Marlee Matlin: I have no intention of stopping you, for I clearly have not learned my lesson from the last time I let you run amok.
Meat Loaf: Awesome! Let’s put a boombox on the 7Up Retro boxes!
Marlee Matlin: Ok. On second thought, no.
Hark! Ivanka approacheth!
Ivanka Trump: What is the concept?
Meat Loaf: Blah, blah, boom box and disco ball.
Ivanka Trump: You were talking? I was not listening.
Meat Loaf: I have a non-crazy idea—let’s bring back a guy who did the commercials back in the 70s!
Latoya Jackson: I’m a superhero!
Richard Hatch: What the hell does that have to do with this commercial?
Meat Loaf: Who cares? I just got a call—the dude might possibly maybe not do our commercial! DAMNIT ALL TO HELL!!
Lil Jon: I’ll direct the commercial until I’m directed to not give a shit.
Star Jones: I’ll use the computer and eat take out!
John Rich: And that’s different from what you’ve usually done how?
Mark McGrath: I will be the hyperactive child in the corner!
John Rich: No, I will be the hyperactive child in the corner! We’re going to get Dee Snyder for our commercial! He’s totally the 80s!
Star Jones: I have a crush on you, John Rich.
Celebrity Apprentice Prop: I die!! CRASH
Hark! Ivanka approacheth!
Ivanka Trump: Who is this Def Leppard?
John Rich: Only the best band in the whole damned 80s! They’re awesome!! And so is Twisted Sister! I got Dee Snyder to do our commercial!!!
Ivanka Trump: I truly could not care less. This can with the zebra striping? It is offensive to my eyes.
Lil Jon: I’m tired.
John Rich: So, do you have the commercial done yet, Lil Jon?
Lil Jon: I said I’m tired.
Dee Snyder: I can shave my mustache so I can be in your commercial.
John Rich: THAT’S AWESEOME NEWS! Isn’t it, Lil Jon?
Lil Jon: So very tired…
Def Leppard’s Road Manager: I’ve been directed to arbitrarily cause drama.
John Rich: Oh, NOES!!!
To Be Continued…
Tags: blights upon humanity, FAIL!, foolishness, idiots, trainwrecks
Ok, so apparently, this idiot, Satoshi Kanazawa, wrote an incendiary piece for Psychology Today called “Why Are Black Women Less Physically Attractive Than Other Women?”
Before I even get to the “content” of his stupid article, I have to talk about the title. The title presumes off the bat that Black women are “less physically attractive” than other women. Wow. That right there is awesome. I mean, why even bother pretending to have anything in the neighborhood of scientific objectivity? If you’re gonna go racist, go RACIST. Don’t half-step it, Satoshi!
Anyway, Kanazawa claims to have “objective” data that would explain just why Black women are so damned ugly. Are you ready? Sitting down? Got plenty of alcohol in hand? Good.
* Black women are on average much heavier than nonblack women.
Well, as we all know, nobody likes any junk in that trunk. Nobody.
Fig. 1: The butt is a lie.
* Africans have more mutations in their genomes than other races. And the mutation loads significantly decrease physical attractiveness (because physical attractiveness is a measure of genetic and developmental health).
So, basically, because there’s more diversity among Africans, Black women are less attractive than women in other races. Because inbreeding produces nothing but awesome-looking people.
Fig. 2: One of these young men is probably not the offspring of Prince Charles. You’ll never guess which one.
And, to borrow from Professor Farnsworth, Good News! Being good looking is a “measure of genetic and developmental health.” And here I thought that attractiveness was purely subjective. Isn’t science awesome?
But hark! Kanazawa has a problem. If both Black men and women have more genome mutations, then shouldn’t Black men be equally hideous to everyone? Shouldn’t Kim Kardashian fairly faint at the sight of Reggie Bush? Well, no. Because Kanazawa presents an argument so insane, that it just might work!
* The only thing I can think of that might potentially explain the lower average level of physical attractiveness among black women is testosterone. Africans on average have higher levels of testosterone than other races, and testosterone, being an androgen (male hormone), affects the physical attractiveness of men and women differently.
Well, now. Did I read that correctly, or did Kanazawa just call Black women a bunch of intersexed ugly people? I think he just called Black women a bunch of intersexed ugly people. Mind you, the “study” he’s drawing on to make his “conclusions”? Doesn’t explain or even consider the historical and social forces behind “attractiveness.” Let me give you an example of the subjectivity of “attractiveness.” Back in college, there was this guy I thought was the Hottest Man To Ever Walk The Earth. Fifteen years ago, I would have literally slapped my mother if I’d have had a shot at him. Now? Well, not so much. He’s still attractive—to me—but now I’m like, “Meh. I’ve seen better.” What changed? Well, I’ve seen more men. Also? Time has helped shape and reshape my thoroughly subjective judgments about what I think is attractive.
What’s hilarious—and sad—is that this guy is proffering all of these racist crackhead theories and doesn’t seem to acknowledge that he himself as a Japanese man will likely be subjected to a number of racist assumptions about the “attractiveness” and “sexual prowess” of Asian men.
Or maybe he has and has decided to embark on a Pinky and the Brain-like program of idiotic disinformation as he attempts TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD. I really hope it’s that.
The End is Nigh! Again! May 14, 2011Posted by Skippy in Culture, General Weirdness, Religion.
Tags: FAIL!, hot ass mess, I didn't see that coming, trainwrecks
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Brian Haubert grabs some pamphlets and marches toward the flea market in Palmyra, N.J. Armed with a poster that trumpets Judgment Day on May 21, 2011, he braces for rejection. Announcing God’s wrath is not always a popular message.
“I’ve been called a heretic,” says Haubert, a 33-year-old actuary. “I’ve been told I read the wrong Bible. And then there’s the occasional person who seems to be genuinely interested,” he says.
His friend and fellow believer, Kevin Brown, uses a gentler approach, not confronting people or engaging in conversation, just politely handing out Judgment Day pamphlets.
Now see, I wouldn’t call Haubert a heretic.
I’d call him crazy.
Add him to the long list of people who have gotten their knickers in a twist because the world isn’t quite going the way they think it ought and hope for an imaginary sky-friend to come along and kill all the right people—ever noticed how the doomsayers are never the ones who are going to be on the receiving end of their preferred deity’s wrath? No, ma’am and no sir. These upstanding folks are all a bunch of Jor-Els, running around trying to warn us sinner folk of our sinning ways. Of course, religion isn’t the only culprit in these end of the world freak outs. Remember Y2K? Yeah, people lost their shit over a potential glitch in computers and acted like the End of Days was upon us. And then there’s the impending year 2012 in which woo-addled morons think that the world will end because some Mayans who were writing their dayplanners stopped at some point and said, “Hey, let’s grab some lunch and call it a day.”
Anyway, the world didn’t end in 2000—or in 1978 or in 1988 or when Barack Obama was elected President or when George W. Bush choked on a pretzel. But try telling that to the folks at WeCanKnow.com:
Fig. 1: Since I’m a godless sodomite and will be left behind, would you mind signing over all your financial assets to me?
These folks are convinced that there’s been some “special” revelation—which specifically contradicts Jesus’s assertion that no one would know the day nor hour in which the “end of the age” would occur. But hey, they claim that their only source for this special revelation is the Bible…I guess the very words of their religion’s founder simply don’t count for squat, but weird readings of Pauline letters do. Isn’t proof-texting fun?
Funny thing is, these folks never do reveal just how they came up with Saturday, May 21st, 2011 as the date in which their deity would decide to do something really dramatic. Why May 21st? Why not, say, 70 C.E.? Why not when the early church was deep in the shit and being persecuted left, right and center? Why not around the time of the Bubonic Plague or the Influenza Epidemic of the early 20th Century? Why not during the 1950s? And these are people who are clearly ill-informed about their own religion’s history when it comes to predicting “the end:”
Tough question first: What would you say in response to those who would argue that the Bible never talks about the rapture, nor does the word or concept appear in the Bible, but rather it is simply a 18th century theological construction?
Quite simply, they do not believe the Bible, nor do they understand the enormous relevance of the the resurrection, and subsequent glorification of the bodies of “most” true believers; there are a few exceptions – like Enoch, Elijah and others, who already possess their glorified spiritual bodies). While it is true that the word “Rapture” dos not appear in the Bible, the word “shall be caught up” does, as it appears in 1 Thes. 4:17 (as well as 12 other citation). Please note the very significant context of verses 13-18, plus it precedes one of the most important chapters on the Bible that we can absolutely KNOW the timing of the “catching up” and the Day of Judgment (which is a period of 153 days in actuality from May 21, 2011 – October 21, 2011) in 1 Thes. 5:1-5:
(source: The American Jesus.net)
These folks either don’t know or don’t care to know anything about John Nelson Darby, the British theologian responsible for this “rapture theology” to which they so blindly subscribe. Also, they’re so confident that this is happening, that they can’t even fathom responding to people on the 22nd. I daresay, next Sunday will be very interesting—especially since these folks can’t back off and say that “Oh, well, we got it wrong.”
Skippy Goes To The Movies!: “Thor” May 12, 2011Posted by Skippy in Movies, Popular Culture, Science Ficton, Uncategorized.
Tags: awesomeness, geekery, nerdalicious
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Children, I think I’m on record for not being a big fan of movies based on Marvel Comics superheroes. While I liked “X-Men” and loved “X-Men 2,” I absolutely despised each and every one of the “Spider-Man” movies (especially that third abomination), loathed “X-Men 3,” and found the “Iron Man” movies merely tolerable. The less said about both of the “Hulk” movies, the better. This, of course, is part of my DC Comics partisan fanboyism. A Marvel superhero movie has to be awesome for me to like it (see the aforementioned “X-Men 2”).
That said, “Thor” was absolutely awesome. Director Kenneth Branaugh took a story written by J. Michael Straczynski (I was surprised when I saw his name pop up in the credits) and crafted a thoroughly delightful and visually arresting summer flick. Throughout the movie, I kept thinking, “THIS is what a superhero movie should be!”
The story is fairly simple: Thor (Chris Hemsworth) is a cocky son of god Odin. Because of his arrogance, he nearly starts a war with the Frost Giants; as a result of his arrogant disobedience of Odin (Anthony Hopkins), he is banished to Earth. On Earth, he meets astrophysicist Jane Foster (Natalie Portman) and her band of merry scientists; meanwhile, his brother Loki (Tom Hiddleston) is causing all sorts of trouble back in Asgard. Needless to say, Thor’s time on Earth humbles him and he learns how to be a hero just in time to save the day and set up the impending Avengers movie. Unlike other superhero films, this isn’t about a human (or alien who finds out he’s an alien) coming to terms with superpowers. This is a simple story of redemption—Thor has been cast out of a heaven and has to reclaim his rightful place as heir to Asgard’s throne. As such, the movie flows fairly smoothly. There aren’t any spots in the movie where the narrative begins to drag and feel padded, even at an hour and fifty-four minutes. Frankly, the near two-hour running time flew by.
I have to say, I love how Marvel has structured their movies so that each movie (Spider-Man and X-Men excluded) is part of a shared universe. I think a major flaw in DC’s movie-making strategy is separating each movie franchise. For example, the upcoming Green Lantern movie will have nothing to do with Batman which has nothing to do with Superman which has nothing to do with either Batman or Green Lantern. On top of all that, Warner Brothers (the company that owns DC Comics) wants to do a Justice League movie! And as far as I can tell, they want different actors to play Batman and Superman in the JL movie—how stupid is that? Anyway, even though this movie is part of a shared universe, it doesn’t at all require having seen the Iron Man or Hulk movies. Frankly, I am interested to see how the Avengers movie turns out. How will they integrate all these superheroes in one movie without it turning into an incoherent mess? I guess time will tell.
While this movie will not be submitting any Oscar reels, I think that Branaugh got serviceable performances out of the actors. Anthony Hopkins didn’t have much to do, so there were times in which he seemed rather…listless. Natalie Portman shines in this movie; when she’s got a good director, she brings it. So, basically, her performance in the Star Wars prequels? All George Lucas’s no-directing fault. Anyway, she has amazing chemistry with Chris Hemsworth—it was reminiscent of the chemistry between Christopher Reeve and Margot Kidder in “Superman.” Portman and Hemsworth’s rather chaste romance was actually believable and not (too) corny.
Ok, let’s talk. While Hemsworth might be something of a putz in interviews, onscreen he has a magnetism that is…wow. He was an inspired–nay, perfect choice to play Thor. And it doesn’t hurt that he’s GORGEOUS. Seriously.
Basically, this movie is going to be the second Blu-Ray DVD I own.
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Donald Trump: OnStar is awesome! I personally have no idea what it is or what it does, but that’s what these old farts are here to tell you.
OnStar Execs: OnStar is now available at Best Buy, so you can purchase it and use this useless service in your car. Your job is to provide us with free advertising. Good luck!
Donald Trump: What is this “Best Buy”? Anyway, choose your leaders!
Backbone: We played eenie-meenie-minie-mo. So John Rich will be the project manager.
ASAP: Marlee Matlin will be our project manager.
OnStar Execs: We’ve been directed to once again give the men their marching orders. John Rich and Lil Jon, the word “ON” is very, very important. Just a hint. Now, Team ASAP—
Meat Loaf: Can you use this on a bicycle?
OnStar Execs: We thought that Trump got rid of Gary Busey.
Lil Jon: We need to steal completely from the Mac v. PC commercials. They’re still doing those, right?
John Rich: That idea is giving me a headache.
Meat Loaf: My idea is to do something completely condescending and annoying.
Star Jones: I can totally make this work to my advantage. Things are proceeding exactly as I have planned.
Lil Jon: This is OnStar! YEAAAAAH! Can we get George Lucas to do some CGI?
Star Jones: Meat Loaf, do we have a script?
Meat Loaf: Script? We don’t need no stinkin’ script!
Star Jones: There’s no way that Donald Trump could blame me for this impending fiasco.
Don Jr. approaches. No one cares.
Donald Trump, Jr.: Hey. Any naked women in tubs? No? Then I don’t care.
Marlee Matlin: I probably should have taken more control.
Marlee Matlin’s Interpreter: What the hell did you think I was signing to you?
OnStar Exec: What the fuck is this shit?
John Rich: My gramma will have an OnStar in her Caddy!
OnStar Exec: That’s nice…could you wear a shirt that isn’t so violently colorful?
Lil Jon: YEAAAAAH!
Other OnStar Exec: I hate rap.
Donald Trump: A hick and a black can get along—who knew? So, Marlee, why didn’t you completely run everything?
Marlee Matlin: I delegated—isn’t that what a project manager does?
Donald Trump: Hell if I know. Anyway, the OnStar Execs hated your commercial.
Audience: Well, file that under “duh.”
Meat Loaf: Sweetie, you need to listen to me!
Star Jones: Um, what? I’m a lawyer!
Donald Trump: So what did you two fight about?
Star Jones: Meat Loaf belittled me by calling me sweetie.
Donald Trump: Aw, get over it. I’ve been called much worse.
Star Jones: Like “misogynist”? “Sexist pig bastard from Hell”?
Donald Trump: Nope.
Star Jones: “Asshole”? “Imbecile”? It has to be “imbecile.”
Donald Trump: Star, you’re never going to figure it out. You’re fired!
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Donald Trump: We’re at Gotham Comedy Club! Comedy is awesome!
President Barack Obama: Oh, I’m so glad you love comedy. Would you like to come to the White House Correspondents Dinner?
Donald Trump: Can’t wait. Here’s your task: sell tickets to a comedy show.
NeNe Leakes: This task bores me. I’m leaving.
Star Jones: I want Tracy Morgan to do a video cameo!
Marlee Matlin: I want to do some stand up!
Marlee Matlin’s Interpreter: She means she wants me to do some stand up.
Jim Cramer, Host of “Mad Money”: The economy is so bad, I’m now working for Donald Trump. What are you all doing?
Meat Loaf: I really, really don’t have time to talk to you! I care about the children!
Star Jones: All I care about is winning. I want Tracy Jordan!
Jim Cramer, Host of “Mad Money”: Y’all are as crazy as I look.
Hark! Ivanka approacheth!
Ivanka Trump: John Rich and Little Jon, what are you puny humans doing? Wait. Isn’t there supposed to be another person? What is her name? Oh, yes. Where is this “NeNe”?
Lil Jon: We don’t know where the fuck she is!
Ivanka Trump: Hm. You little people and your little problems.
Lil Jon: NENE, WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?
NeNe Leakes: I’m in a cab, not doin’ ur task.
Donald Trump: I saw potential in you! Potential for more drama between you and Star! And I got rid of a Playboy Playmate–all for you…and ratings!
NeNe Leakes: My dramatic and totally childish exit is for the greater good.
Latoya Jackson: Hi, Kathy Hilton? Remember me?
Kathy Hilton: Um, not really…
Latoya Jackson: Could you give us some money for a charity?
Kathy Hilton: Will a thousand bucks get you off my phone?
Latoya Jackson: …um, sure.
Meat Loat: I REALLY CARE ABOUT THESE KIDS! WHAAAAAA!
Marlee Matlin: What the hell is wrong with him? And who are these kids he’s crying about?
Marlee Matlin’s Interpreter: Hell if I know.
Star Jones: Let me see if I can calm this fool the fuck down. Mr. Trump? Meat Loaf here is having a nervous breakdown and wants you to not punish the losing team by making them give up their money to the winning team.
Donald Trump: He can suck it. But tell him to keep crying; we just got a boost in the ratings.
Jimmy Fallon: I am allegedly good friends with this “John Rich” person. Here’s ten thousand dollars and a shitty song.
John Rich: Thanks, Jimmy Fallon! You truly are a good friend!
Jimmy Fallon: Get your grubby paws off me.
New Yorkers: They promised us free booze.
Meat Loaf: I WILL KICK YOUR ASS IF YOU DON’T LAUGH! THIS IS FOR THE CHILDREN!
Unfunny Comedians: We’re not really funny.
Marlee Matlin: Deaf people can tell jokes too!
Marlee Matlin’s Interpreter: Sure they can…but you can’t.
Donald Trump: Meat Loaf. Are you still ten pounds of crazy in a five-pound sack?
Meat Loaf: I CARE SO MUCH ABOUT THESE CHILDREN! THEY’RE SO PRECIOUS AND SWEET AND TENDER AND DELICIOUS AND—
Donald Trump: So the answer is “yes.” Anyway, guess who else is crazy? NeNe! She didn’t know how good she had it here! I was a friend to her! You will rue the day you quit this two-bit reality show, NeNe Leakes! You’re fired! And you’re a quitter! And Star Jones kicked your ass whether you like it or not!
President Barack Obama: Well, guess who kicked your ass, Trump? Oh, and I’m still kicking it. Just thought you should know.
Donald Trump: Grrr. Never should have gone to that dinner. Anyway, Latoya, how’d your team do?
Latoya Jackson: We did well, Mr. Trump. Thank you so much for letting me back on the show.
Ivanka Trump: Your enthusiasm is matched only by your incompetence.
Latoya Jackson: …is that a compliment?
John Rich: Meat Loaf, I’ll give you some money—
Meat Loaf: OH, HOW I LOVE THESE CHILDREN! WAAAAAAAAH!
Donald Trump: Oh, Jesus. Okay, ASAP wins—
Meat Loaf: THAT’S SO AWESOME! WAAAAAH! I must call my wife!
Star Jones: How does she put up with that?
Donald Trump: Well, Latoya, I brought you back on this show—
Latoya Jackson: Don’t say it!
Donald Trump: –to fire you again. Latoya, you’re fired! Again!
Latoya Jackson: I will use the shreds of dignity I have left to imitate my dead brother’s classic music video, “Billie Jean.” I’m classy like that.