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Real Housewives of Atlanta: “Jewels Be Dangled” November 28, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Real Housewives.
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Last time: NeNe is rich, Sheree is jealous and building a big assed house, Peter is pissed at Cynthia’s fam, and then starts shit with Apollo. Everyone is still crazy as hell.

We begin our excursion into crazy town with Phaedra visiting Kim in the aftermath of the Baby Shower of Doom. Phaedra tries to sell Kim some bullshit about everyone being on their best behavior, but Kim visually cuts her off with an eyeroll. Phaedra obliquely apologizes for HPoAs behavior, and then they talk shit about Papa Smurf’s cheapness, lateness and overall stupidity. And then they talk about baby stuff. Fun!

More fun is had when we switch to Cynthia and Evil Sister Malorie visiting Papa Smurf’s new hangout, Bar One. Cynthia says that she wants them to talk. Papa Smurf says “Wowww,” which is old man speak for “I don’t really want to talk to this bitch, but you won’t give me nookie if I don’t.” He takes them around Bar One and tries to make small talk with Evil Sister. They’re both passive aggressive bitches. He asks Cynthia if he’s being forced to talk about Evil Sister and Mom’s attempt to sabotage the wedding. They talk awkwardly. Again, both of them are passive aggressive bitches. Evil Sister claims that Cynthia is her business—and then the bitchy claws come out on both sides. “All you’re thinking about is yourself!” Papa Smurf proclaims. Then Cynthia swans in to put a kibosh on the stupidity. I don’t know what she expected to happen. Did she expect rainbows and glitter? Evil Sister Malorie realizes that she’s a bitter spinster bitch from hell…oh, wait. She totally doesn’t.

Anyway, Kandi rolls up in a fly Benz and entirely too tight pants. Honey, stop it. She’s throwing a 35th birthday party, so she and Phaedra and Sheree check out a Midtown hotel to serve as the venue for the party. They try to justify this extravagance as a “mid-milestone” party. Whatever helps y’all sleep at night. Kandi says she invited NeNe and Family Old Fart, to Sheree and Phaedra’s chagrin, respectively. Kandi leaves so Phaedra can tell Sheree that she’s got a special gift for her. I wonder what could it be. I wonder. Could it be something having to do with men and sex and sex and men? The million promos for this episode were so vague.

It’s now time for NeNe to hang out with Kandi and Derek, the geigh apparent. They chit and chat about her party…and Kim. NeNe: “I think that Kandi genuinely wanted a friendship, and I think that Kim wanted a song—a hit song.” Anyway, they then turn to Kroy’s Fine Ass, to which NeNe says, “That ain’t about shit.” Kandi tells NeNe that Sheree and Phaedra will be at this party. Derek, geigh apparent, foolishly thinks that friendships could be rekindled. He’s still new to this Real Housewives thing. He will learn.

Back at Casa De Kim, she and Kroy’s Fine Ass meet with a “baby consultant.” She doesn’t know what to do with a male child. They discuss circumcision and she acts like she doesn’t know shit about it—bitch, YOU’RE A NURSE. Yes, I’m shouting. Didn’t her ass learn about such things in nursing school? Anyway, Kim doesn’t want her male child “with a turtleneck” around his penis. Foolishness.

NeNe goes to visit Cynthia—didn’t they just hang out? Anyway, Papa Smurf is talking to an “investor” who passed off a bad $40,000 check. Ok, I don’t give a shit about NeNe and Cynthia’s shit right now. Who the fuck passes off a BAD $40,000 CHECK?!?

NeNe mentions that she and Gregg had sex. All righty then! They then talk about Evil Sister Malorie and the wedding foolishness. NeNe interviews that Cynthia needs to set boundaries. She also needs to grow the fuck up. Anyway, Papa Smurf’s phone rings, marking his timely exit from this scene.

At Sheree’s construction site, she is irritated with the lack of progress on her new house. Phaedra notes that contractors are full of shit, so she puts Andrew the Contractor on notice. Andrew the Contractor says that once obstacles are cleared, the house will go up quickly—that always inspires confidence. They engage in ridiculous sexism and then get back to talking about this stupid house. This is just plain stupid.

Anyway, at Cynthia’s fledgling modeling agency, Evil Sister Malorie shows up…with her basketball playing husband! I thought she was a bitter, single spinster! Where the hell did he come from? Oh, France. He plays b-ball in France. Cynthia inveigles Malorie to be her receptionist. She’s really enthused about this—except that she’s totally not. Malorie, why don’t you and your husband Chris just expatriate and leave this dumb assed supermodel to her sad, self-deluded life? Evil Sister tries to counsel Cynthia…but then Cynthia turns into Evil Sister and totally goes there. She hints broadly that Mal is having marital issues. Oh, no she di’int! Cynthia says she and her sister never fight, which I don’t believe for a second. They have some serious envy issues going on.

It’s Kandi’s birfday! Go Kandi, it’s your birthday! Don Juan sits and watches Kandi get way too much eyeshadow put on. Kandi wants a man. She says that if she ain’t got a man by 37, she’s going to a sperm bank. Doesn’t she already have a kid? Why does she need another one? Phaedra is looking rather decent. Kandi, however, is wearing a fuschia dress. It’s too short, too tight, too bright. It’s hideous. Speaking of hideous, Lawrence shows up looking like the Thunderdome. Derek looks presentable, which means he will always be the geigh apparent—we don’t need another hero, Derek. Sheree shows up, looking like she just came from the gym. All the women show up, and soon sequester themselves into their camps. Phaedra: “It seems like it was two sects: the Crips and the Bloods.” Kandi calls the two groups “the United States” and “Europe.” There are two white people in the background who are all, “What the hell is happening and how did we get invited to this? What is this anyway?” So Phaedra unveils her present…

Fig. 1: Happy Birthday! Here’s your present, a tacky, oily stripper!

He looks hideous, but his name is Ridickulous. Apparently, he can suck his own penis. Well, good for him. Kandi’s mama is NOT pleased. Frankly, no one is really pleased with Ridickulous. Kandi’s mama: “That’s fucked up! I don’t like no damn strippers—I ain’t never liked no damn strippers!” People start rolling out of the party. Well. I am not opposed to strippers, but if you’re going to have strippers, please, PLEASE make sure the stripper has a modicum of class and for the love of all that’s sensible, make sure he DOESN’T dip his penis into your drink. Keep it classy, people.

Fig. 2: When a guest has this expression on their face, please tell the stripper to leave. It’s just courtesy.

Really, Phaedra, Kandi and Sheree are the only people enjoying the stripper. Kandi’s Mama is for real pissed. She goes straight OFF: “That wasn’t cool at all! That was very degrading; this wasn’t the place for that!” Happy 35th birthday, Kandi!


Real Housewives of Atlanta: “Shower the Baby, Muzzle the Boy” November 23, 2011

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Last Time: Kim’s pregnant, Phaedra’s loving the dead, NeNe is playing, and everyone talks shit about NeNe.

We begin with Sheree rolling up to a construction site. She has a contractor…building her a new home. Really, with what money is she building a new house? She tries to say that she was “barely born” in 1975. Bitch, please. Again, with what money is she building this mansion? Bitch is building an 8,000 square foot house. What the fuck ever.

Phaedra’s cooking for Prince Ayden and Hot Piece of Ass. She’s in love with her Prince Ayden, but he’s not in love with the food. She wants to coddle him, but HPoA is stern. HPoA is mad because he got some Internet attention about getting stopped by the po-po. They argue in front of Prince Ayden…well, Phaedra, that tends to happen when you marry an ex-con, regardless of how much of a hot piece of ass he might be. Anyway, it appears to have been a case of mistaken identity. Frankly, I don’t give this marriage more than five years.

Speaking of marriages, we visit Cynthia and Old Fart. Leon, desperate for a paycheck, conveniently shows up to father his child. Cynthia says that everyone has respect for everyone. Mmm hm. Old Fart is going back into the bar business. Cynthia doesn’t want to impede his progress. His new bar, called Bar One—how original!—will not be a money pit. At the prompting of the producers, Leon Baby Daddy asks how Cynthia’s Evil Mother and Sister are doing after attempting to sabotage the wedding. Old Fart really doesn’t like Evil Mother and Sister. Leon Baby Daddy tries to give Old Fart some advice, but Old Fart is…well, an old fart. Well, we’ve just set up Cynthia’s season-long storylines, haven’t we?

Kim and Sheree, who are now best buddies meet for lunch. Kim says that she and Sheree have been friends for ten years…minus that hair pulling incident a season or two ago. Anyway, they discuss Kim’s baby shower and Kroy’s Fine Ass and his family. Oh, and she’s moving in to Kroy’s Fine Assed 17,000 square foot house. They discuss how they don’t like old homes—they like new. Well, it’s nice that they got other people’s money to get all that new.

NeNe’s son Brent is not excited about visiting his dad. He would rather have his crazy parents back together. NeNe talks to him like he’s slow—that boy ain’t slow. He’s probably the smartest person on this damn show. Gregg shows up and they have awkward divorced people banter. Yay, awkward divorced people banter!

Phaedra and Kandi hang out to buy shit for Kim’s baby. They talk about Prince Ayden…and HPoA, which Phaedra don’t want none of. Kandi’s all, “Um, you married an ex-con. Of COURSE people are gonna talk about him!” For some reason, they talk about Cynthia and Old Fart. Old Fart apparently said he can’t stand Phaedra’s ass. Kandi reminds Phaedra that she might have offended Cynthia when she said she don’t want no man who’s got a village. Old Fart has a village. Anyway, Phaedra kinda makes me like her a little bit when she rattles off a string of one liners about Old Fart. She calls him Papa Smurf. Frankly, that’s going to be his new nickname.

Kroy’s Fine Ass and Kim are getting ready for her baby shower. Everyone’s way overdressed for a damn baby shower. Arianna finds out that she did not get a baby shower. Well, add that to the list of problems she’ll be discussing with her therapist. Kim wants the baby shower to be something Kroy’s Fine Ass will never forget. Well, it’s being filmed for a reality show, so, I think that’s pretty much in the bag.

People show up to the baby shower. Kandi notes that she’s not been up on her friendship duties—really? Were they ever friends? The room is decorated with a bunch of pregnancy photos of Kim and Kroy. Phaedra thinks that Kim might have…um, borrowed…some ideas from Prince Ayden’s shower. Joe, Kim’s father tries to hit Phaedra up for business. HPoA is all, “Um, okay then.” Sheree and Lawrence (apparently he’s the new Dwight) show up. Sheree thinks that the space is more suited for a wedding instead of a baby shower. Everybody loves Kroy’s Fine Ass. For some reason, everyone starts bitching about Papa Smurf and Cynthia. Sheree: “What straight man goes and does an article talking about his wife’s friends?” Sheree thinks that Papa Smurf and Cynthia won’t show up.

Ha ha! They do, but they’re late as all hell. And they don’t bring a present. Phaedra: “Who comes to a baby shower five hours late? Did they come for the refreshments?” Truth be told, this is ghetto as all hell. Sheree is throwing all kinds of shade. SHADE! But honey, the shade is THROWN when Papa Smurf announces his new bar and Phaedra says, “I ain’t gone be invited because Peter don’t like me.”

Phaedra sits back and smiles ‘cause she knows she started some shit. HPoA intervenes and begins to Defend His Woman. Papa Smurf and HPoA begin jawing at each other. Papa Smurf begins writing checks with his old assed mouth that HPoA might make him cash…after this commercial break!

When we come back, HPoA keeps reminding Papa Smurf that he’s too old. Kroy’s Fine Ass is not pleased with this turn of events, and Kim is high holy pissed, but I think Sheree put it best: “Peter’s like NeNe to me; I think he’s all bark and no bite. Peter thought he was going to come in there and he was going to be able to punk Apollo. EPIC FAIL.” True that.

It’s A Conspiracy! In 3D! November 15, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Movies, Popular Culture, Rants.
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Children, I have a few words about 3D movies and the apparent conspiracy to make me pay more to see a lot less. This weekend, I was all geeked to go see “Immortals.” As always, I’m a sucker for special effects-laden movies featuring ridiculously hot guys, so I fired up the Intarwebz and went to Fandango to find out what time this movie would be showing.

Here’s what I got:

Fig. 1: Huh, what?

Only two times for this blockbuster to be seen as a regular movie? Um, okay. And basically, the 2:30 time is open only to people who either a) have no job and lots of free time and money or b) really don’t give a flying fuck about their jobs so that they will blow off a day to see this movie, but not in 3D. Ah, well, I thought. Perhaps I’ll go see this movie in 3D, annoying 3D glasses over my glasses be damned. So I clicked on a matinee time—how much more expensive can a movie at four in the afternoon be?

Fig. 2: THE FUCK?!?

Movie theaters are basically strong-arming people into paying more. Again, I know that movie theaters have to compete with Netflix, Dish, DirecTV, and a generally FUBAR’d economy, but this is not the way to go about making more money. And don’t give me a bunch of bollocks about “choice”—there is virtually no choice in this scenario. If I have a 9-5, M-F job, I have to wait till Saturday or Sunday to see this movie at non-crazy prices. However, I can only see one matinee of this movie at non-crazy prices, and if I’m on a date…well, fuck all that. I’m probably going to be stuck with the 3D—and nothing I’ve read about this movie suggests that I must see this in 3D. Add in the Milk Duds I’m going to sneak in, plus the bottled water I’m going to buy, and I’m paying damn near $20 to watch a movie one damn time, when I can wait a couple of months and buy that fucker on Blu-Ray and watch it over and over again without the aggravation of a malfunctioning ticket kiosk, long lines at the concession stand, and idiots in the theater who won’t shut off their damn bright phone or their damn fool mouths. If this is the way movie theaters are going, I expect them to be extinct within a few years—and deservedly so.

Real Housewives of Atlanta: “Surprisingly Rich” November 14, 2011

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Last Time: Phaedra sees dead people, Kim sees Kroy’s Fine Ass, and NeNe and Sheree both see red.

It’s a little early in the season for an out of town excursion, but whatever. NeNe, Kandi and Cynthia go to Miami…and reminisce on the good times of Kim and NeNe’s big fight. NeNe calls Atlanta “Haterville.” Oh, NeNe. Kandi says that NeNe has a history of flipping out—of course she does. Don’t you remember? I guess that lack of sex is causing amnesia.

Anyway, back in the ATL, Kroy’s Fine Ass is planning Kim’s baby shower with Sweetie. Kim can’t get over the fact that she is 33 and snagged a 25 year old football player. Kroy’s Fine Ass notes that Kim is “denting on the wallet.” Honey, two words: PRE-NUPTUIAL AGREEMENT. Don’t say I didn’t warn you, boy.

Anyway, Phaedra capitalizes on her dead aunt’s funeral and says that she’s inspired to pursue “mortuary sciences.” Um, what. Anyway. She meets with Willie the Funeral Groundskeeper and he tells her, “Heffa, show some damn compassion before taking all their money. And pull your skirt down, you tramp.” Phaedra pulls out a prayer cloth and covers up her legs and says that she always carries her prayer cloth and holy oil. Kim: “I can’t believe Phaedra’s going into the funeral business. I mean, aren’t you a lawyer? Where the fuck did that come from?” Indeed, Kim. Indeed. Moving on, Phaedra snoots at a tin casket. She notes that Willie might be convinced that she has all the compassion of a rock, but she says, “But I know I’m a natural at comforting people at their time of need, especially if their insurance policy is in force.” Honestly, I think she’s playing a character. No one like this could exist in the real world. She also claims to have been a friend of the King family. I guess she knows she can’t say she marched on Washington or Selma, so this is the next best pretentious thing.

Back in Miami, Kandi stirs some shit up by bringing up the fight between Sheree and NeNe. NeNe says that she indeed is rich, to which Kandi’s all, “Really?” NeNe thinks that Sheree and Kim conspired against her. Kandi is not buying it. Cynthia really doesn’t care, but Kandi gets foolish—-she’s all, “Don’t be a sourpuss.” Um, honey bunches of oats? YOU BROUGHT UP THE FIGHT. Cynthia doesn’t want to talk about it. Well, the subject, she is changed when two lesbians show up and say, “Um, hey, y’all? It’s Lesbian Pride down here.” NeNe doesn’t understand lesbians. Well, add that to the list. She adds that she’s strictly dickly. As am I, NeNe. As am I.

Sheree takes her son shoe shopping and hand-wrings about Kairo (you read that right) not having a father figure and being shy around other people. Here’s a start; DON’T WEAR SHIRTS THAT SAY “I ❤ ME.” Now, I ain’t saying you need to be in a burqa, but dress like you’re a goddamn adult. Jesus.

Why the fuck is NeNe looking at houses in Miami? This heffa goes to look at a NINE MILLION DOLLAR house. Where the fuck does NeNe have nine million dollars?
Oh, that’s right. SHE DOESN’T.
Kandi does try to talk a bit of sense into NeNe’s head. “Do you have a financial planner helping you?” She says she does, but I don’t believe her. Then they go to the beach. I can see Nene’s areolas through her swim suit, but NeNe says that Kandi’s thighs were “huuuuuuge.” Um, Ms. Leakes? I CAN SEE YOUR NIPPLES. THROUGH YOUR SWIMSUIT. They talk about sex. Cynthia says “I’m a married woman; I can’t be running around talk that kind of stuff!” Bitch, you didn’t talk about it before you were married! They then play Frisbee with two boring men.

Back in the ATL. Kim and Sheree meet for a meal. They talk. About NeNe, of course.

Phaedra and Hot Piece of Ass go for a stroll with Prince Ayden. FREE AYDEN! Anyway, she tells HPoA about her interest in the dead and he’s like, “Bitch, you serious about this? For real? Why didn’t I know this?” She says she wants the funeral home to be the Saks Fifth Avenue of funeral homes. HPoA wants no part of it, but Phaedra totally pooh-poohs his job. She says she has more convincing to do. You betta get to givin’ some bomb head! I’m just sayin’.

Commercials: Tyler Perry will not rest until he’s destroyed ALL of Western Civilization.

Kroy’s Fine Ass takes Kim out for dinner. But little does she know that he’s taking her to the lawyer to make her sign some papers. But little does she know that there’s a birthday surprise in store for her! People begin to show up—and by “people,” I mean, “the cast of the damn show.” At the decoy dinner, Kim says that once she drops the baby, she’s going to get many elective procedures done. Kroy’s Fine Ass tells her that he likes to kill things and that he has a gun case procured from the 23rd century. Kim is horrified that Kroy’s Fine Ass likes guns. A lot. Anyway, her birthday present is a $22,000 chocolate diamond bracelet. I just have to shake my head. That boy don’t have the sense God gave a mule. Anyway, Kim is properly surprised. Part of the birthday festivities includes shit-talking about NeNe. It’s the Atlanta equivalent of beating up a piñata.

The ladies tell Kim she got a good one. Phaedra asks when Kroy’s Fine Ass is going to marry Kim. Bitch, you are the LAST one to be asking someone about their personal business. Kandi asks what Kroy’s Fine Ass is going to do after football; he says he wants to have an outdoor store. Cause there aren’t enough of those! Oh, well. At least he’s very nice to look at.

Cars and Their Idiot Owners November 9, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Observations, Rants.
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Fig. 1: I wonder which pretentious douchebag will get this in the divorce.

Children, I hate when people turn their cars into outward displays of their inward douchebaggery. I’ve probably ranted about idiot owners’ propensity to turn their car into a festering boil on the ass of society, but I’ll give this another go-round—especially with the car pictured above.

1. Bragging to the world that you successfully pair-bonded is just begging for the universe to fuck your shit up.
I mean, really? “And they lived…happily ever after”?!? Do you two douchebags think that life really is some goddamn fairy tale? I don’t care if your wedding was an atrocious re-presentation of every cloying Disney cliche, real life has a way of intervening and telling you to shut the fuck up and deal with the real. So, keep it up, pretentious douchebags. Check in in about ten years after one of you has gained twenty pounds and the other is going bald faster than you can say “going bald.” Check in after one of you has lost all that sexual vigor because you’ve got three rugrats demanding your attention left, right, and center. And just wait till one of you starts that affair with the officemate. We’ll see how that gaudy stencil on your car fares.

2. Your pretentious douchebaggery is not going to win new friends and influence enemies.
The stencil screams, “We’re awesomely ignorant fuckwads who don’t give a shit about being low-key and will take any and every opportunity to be awesomely ignorant fuckwads. IN YOUR FACE, SINGLE PEOPLE!” Again, just because you successfully pair-bonded (for the moment) doesn’t mean that you have to use your car as a battering ram of douchebaggery. If you assholes are really happy, people will know it. In the meantime, everyone will just think, “What a bunch of fucking assholes.”

3. The Jesus fish really adds to the pretentious douchebaggery.
Just looking at this car, I am fairly confident that these pretentious douchebags are the type to loudly and obsequiously thank Jesus for any and everything. They probably live in a McMansion and go to some “blab it and grab it” church where their blessed union was blandly celebrated. They probably think that Jesus had something to do with their pair-bonding and looks down upon their sweaty, commercial-length sex as something awesome, as it will likely produce a bunch of dumb offspring who will contribute fuck-all to the world. Of course, since Jesus was responsible for them hooking up and them driving a shitty SUV and living Where In The Fuck, Georgia, I guess they think he deserves some kind of shout-out. It’s more likely they also want to show the world of Where In The Fuck, Georgia that they too, believe in Jesus, unlike the other heathens of their small burg.

Seriously, people. Think before you put pretentious assed stencils on your car. Not everyone gives a flying shit about you. In fact, no one gives a flying shit about which particular deity you choose to pay obeisance to, or whether or not you successfully contributed to the overpopulation of the planet. Just drive the damn car and get out of my way.

Real Housewives of Atlanta: “Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained” November 7, 2011

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Last season: Kim’s a mess, Sheree can’t act, Kandi loves talking about sex, Kim traps a football player, Cynthia gets married to an old fart, and Phaedra delivers a baby.

It seems like it’s been forever since the Atlanta…ladies…graced us with their demure and ever-so-classy presence. Let’s see what these bitches are up to!

Kim is full-on pregnant. Kroy the Hot Piece of Ass is still with her. They’re moving in together! This boy don’t know what he’s getting himself into, does he? Kim says she’s in love. With his wallet. Kim goes on about his ass. It is indeed nice. He’s 25. It’s a May-December showmance.

NeNe and sons are going car shopping. Oh, she’s buying a car for ne’er do-well Bryson? Fuck all. Anyway, she’s separated from Gregg. NeNe says ne’er do-well isn’t ready to be on his own. She thinks he’ll be responsible…is she crazy? Anyway, she’s gotten some exposure from her time on Celebrity Apprentice, but she’s seriously trying to work a discount on the car.

Sheree drops in on Lawrence who is in the studio working on a TIRED song. Lawrence is angry or something, because the song is about shadiness. Something I think he’d be QUITE familiar with. Sheree bitches about NeNe and claims that she’s been getting attention for her “acting” and that NeNe tried to work an angle to get some money for something or other. So, here we are setting up the Drama for this season. Lawrence ki-ki’s and says other irrelevant shit.

Cynthia is meeting with Miss J—-cross-promotion! Synergy! Famewhoring! Anyway, Cynthia and Miss J act like they’re best fucking friends. She says she wants to run her own modeling agency. She thinks the ATL will be the next center for modeling. She says that Old Fart has his business and she has hers. HA! So, Miss J is going to show these bitches how it’s done. Miss J gives Supermodel some advice.

Phaedra and some cousins and her pastor mother are at a funeral home to make arrangements for her great-aunt. Willie Watkins is apparently famous for burying a lot of famous people. Of course, Phaedra would love that. The funeral they’re planning sounds like it will be as tasteful as Phaedra herself is. This funeral ain’t about the dead woman; this is all about Phaedra showing off. We aren’t told who this great-aunt is—shit, we don’t even know the dead woman’s name!

Cynthia’s “little modeling school” has a lot of people. Miss J shows off some bad runway walks. Cynthia says she wants to teach these women that modeling ain’t auditioning for a rap video. Yawn.

Hey, Kandi! How you durrin? She’s hanging out with Phaedra and Sheree…except she’s running late. Her hair is MUCH better now. They talk about vibrators and what-not. Kandi wants to do an adult sex toy line. Be sex-positive, gworl! Also, get that money. They talk to the proprietor of The Liberator Store, which is an upscale sex toy store. Well, all righty then.

Kim is six weeks out from her due date. She’s ready to have the baby. Kroy is away doing some shit; meanwhile, Kim treats her assistant and daughters like servants. They call Kroy and pester him. Yawn.

Brent asks when he’s going to get a car. NeNe ignores him. I bet he’s used to that. Anyway, Cynthia calls NeNe and listens to her gossip about Sheree and the upcoming Drama. The Drama is Coming.

Phaedra says that she likes funeral shit. Kandi’s all, “Um, fer reals?” Anyway, they bury Phaedra’s great-aunt, who, apparently, was never given a name. Anyway, due to some contrivance, Phaedra takes over the funeral. It’s ostentatious—shit, her name was Lillian. Well, Lillian’s ostentatious funeral has about forty people. Phaedra loves the pomp and circumstance—she wants people to talk about the funeral. She thinks she could get into this funeral business. I hate her.

The Drama is Here!
NeNe meets with Sheree. She says that she knows that Sheree is jealous of her. They meet at an empty assed wine bar. Sheree thinks that NeNe has let success get to her head. They start off kinda nice. Sheree says that black women don’t support each other—to which NeNe interviews “when did it become about black women?” So, Sheree calls Tyrone. This Drama is too byzantine. These women begin squawking at each other. NeNe says she’s rich. I think the people they called were still on the line. Somehow it becomes a rage about teeth.


Sheree follows NeNe out the wine bar and is totally third grade. I can’t even.

Later, Cynthia visits NeNe and they talk about the Drama while drinking white wine. Cynthia thinks that Sheree is being jealous and evil and not shiny or some such bullshit. NeNe cries real tears. Apparently, the Drama is not only coming, it will be here all season.