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Real Housewives of Miami: “Beach Slap” March 23, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Real Housewives.
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Last Time: Fucking Lea is a douche and a busybody. Adriana is an idiot. Tacky Cristy calls the kettle black. Marysol is nervous about getting married…

…except she’s not anymore! But now Philippe is. Well, he can’t back out now, because Marysol is getting her hair did for the blessed nuptials!

Back in Miami, Alexia meets with William Levy, Actor. Alexia calls him the Cuban Brad Pitt and wants him on the cover of the magazine for the second time. Old Herman didn’t want William Levy, Actor on the cover the first time, but he was wrong, for the issue was their best seller. William Levy, Actor is full of bullshit. He is SO aware of the cameras; he fake laughs, plants his hand ever so model-y on his face, and takes much care to look effortlessly hot (ripped jeans, a tight—but not too-tight T-shirt, and a trucker cap). My gaydar/whoredar immediately goes off.

Larsa goes to some restaurant to inveigle a chef for yet another goddamn cooking party. Larsa said that everyone else had done a bunch of Cuban cooking, so you’d think that she’d want to expose the ladies to Lebanese cooking, right? WRONG! No, she wants the chef to do…Italian cooking. You know, because the one thing that America has a complete lack of knowledge about is Italian food.

Back in Aspen, Marysol says something deep, y’all. She says that you can’t know what the future is. WHAT. Whaaat? You mean we’re finite corporeal beings that exist in a linear time continuum? Fuck. Well, that ruins my plan to go back in time and mess around with the Trojan War. Anyway, she and Philippe ascend up a mountain in a gondola…TO THEIR DOOM.

After the gondola arrives, they walk up snowy Mount Doom. The idea of marriage settles in like a shroud over Marysol. The officiant runs through the vows, because it’s FUCKING COLD and he doesn’t have a coat on. The Justice of the Peace reads the vows they allegedly wrote. Huh? Yeah, I don’t believe they actually wrote the vows. Anyway, they get heterosexually married. I’m sure that when they get back to Miami, William Levy, Actor, will gaily destroy their marriage. Speaking of…

…Alexia says that there’s an angelic look to him. Shut up and get him shirtless! Oh, he’s a hot piece of ass, let me tell y’all. Alexia gets him dolled up for his photoshoot and he’s all Blue Steel here, there and everywhere. But Andy Cohen knows what the homosexuals who watch this damn show want! Pardon me while I hit the rewind button.

Aw, hell. Fucking Lea. She thinks she’s giving back to the community by talking to some young ladies in foster care about entrepreneurship. One young woman with purple hair looks like she’s ready to cut a bitch. Cut Lea! Cut her now! Fucking Lea doesn’t know how to relate to these women. She says a bunch of Secret-ish bullshit about thinking making shit so. It’s so condescending and moronic…and the young women see through it. She asks if the women have any questions—what questions can you ask about a shitty presentation like that? I suppose they could have asked her if this presentation was court-ordered as the result of a DUI-conviction.

The Happy Couple return to Miami! Philippe moves his wine refrigerator into Marysol’s house. Her Botox reacts against such an eyesore. She thinks it doesn’t “go” with other things in the study. Woman, let the man have the damn wine refrigerator—he chose it because he likes it.

Shit. Fucking Lea. She continues to meddle in Dumb Adriana’s business. Well, to be fair, Dumb Adriana goes crying to Fucking Lea about her deadbeat ex who is dicking around when it comes to child support. Adriana stupidly thinks that Frederic would adopt her son.

Oh, hai, you guyz. It’s Cristy! Like, she’s doing some totally FABULOUS fashion show and she’s, like, totally waiting for Alexia to show up. OMG, Alexia got into an accident! U R not coming? (Wait—aren’t you going to ask if Alexia’s okay?) OMG, I totally have to tell the designer that Alexia izn’t coming. So lame!
Anyway, Tacky Cristy participates in the fashion show. I thought Miamians didn’t much care about fashion shows?

Pole-y Interstitial! Dumb Adriana thinks that by pole dancing, she’ll keep Frederic from straying. I’d rather watch Showgirls. Dumb Adriana justifies her pole dancing by actually saying “everybody is doing it.” Holy shit.

Larsa! She’s back at the Italian restaurant. She claims that she’s “super-competitive” and wants her cooking party to be “funner” than the rest. Meathead Chef tries to flirt with her. Larsa says that the women aren’t very good in the kitchen, which displeases Meathead Chef. He is a Soup Nazi, it appears. The women show up and are told that there are rules in the kitchen. They must maintain a clean kitchen. Adriana doesn’t want to learn to cook, she wants to eat! Well, screw you, Adriana. Meathead Soup Nazi is here to MAKE YOU COOK!

First, they learn how to make mozzarella. Mmm, cheese. Adriana thinks that Meathead Soup Nazi speaks Italian; honey, he only speaks ROIDS. Fucking Lea shows up late. She interviews that this event in the middle of the day is inconvenient. I kind of agree with her. DAMMIT! Anyway, Meathead Soup Nazi intimidates the hell out of Fucking Lea and scares all the women into silence. Oh, guess who else is late? Tacky Cristy! OMG, you guys, she, like, really tries to be on time! Anyway, they eat the food they cooked and talk about stuff like Alexia’s car wreck and Marysol’s wedding. Eventually, talk turns to the Charity Event. Guess what’s coming up? Oh, Dumb Adriana just puts Tacky Cristy on blast, yes, she does. Tacky Cristy looks like she’s ready to cut a Dumb Adriana. Dumb Adriana thinks she’s taking up for Fucking Lea…even though Tacky Cristy paid the whatever fee. Tacky Cristy and Fucking Lea get into it. Again, I have to side with Fucking Lea. However, Dumb Adriana needed to keep her fool mouth shut. Anyway, Alexia looks at her watch, thinking, “I could be home breastfeeding my precious son Peter! How will he make it through lunch without me?”

When we come back to the empty Italian restaurant, Larsa tries to put a cap on this oil spill of pettiness. Larsa thanks people for coming and frets that her fabulous luncheon didn’t turn out the way she’d hoped. Dumb Adriana ruined the lunch! Larsa converses with Tacky Cristy afterwards and wonders why Tacky Cristy didn’t bitchslap the fuck out of Dumb Adriana.

Next week: “Season” finale!

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