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Real Housewives of Orange County: “Body Shots” March 28, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Real Housewives.

Last time: Girl trip to Cabo is in the works. Peggy’s a fucking idiot, and so is Jugs 4 Jesus…well, basically, everyone’s a fucking idiot.

The first fucking idiot we drop in on is Tamra. I guess she’s able to get up and walk after the sexsational sex bath of sex. She’s in a limo and talking to Latin Oomph. She’s on her way to Cabo for fun with Vicki. Latin Oomph says he “loves” Tamra. Right. Vicki wants Tamra to “court” her and apologize for not shiv’ing Simon. Vicki brings her work with her. Tamra wants to take Vicki’s computer and throw it in a pool. It had better not be a Mac, or I will cut her.

Evil Gretchen has lunch with Jugs. They have boring talk about Evil Gretchen’s parent’s wedding anniversary. Evil Gretchen has been married a lot. Jugs says there’s nothing like being married. Hell, there’s nothing like having Ebola; that doesn’t mean I want it. Of course, Jugs mangles the Bible. She might as well just start quoting the Starfleet Technical Manual. Jugs tacitly judges Evil Gretchen when she says that she knows that EG is having premarital sex and may have an out-of-wedlock child. THE HORROR! Jugs wonders where a “lease” is in the Bible. It’s in the same place with plastic surgery, fake hair and snotty attitudes. Don’t get too judgmental, bitch.

Tamra and Vicki make it to Cabo. Vicki doesn’t want Tamra flashing the good china to any and everyone, but she doesn’t mind the both of them getting hammered five seconds after getting to the hotel room.

Christ. It’s Jugs. She says she was a career woman but quit to raise kids and be a servant to Asshole Jim. Now she wants to start a clothing line. Way to think outside the box there, JesusBarbie. Tamra interviews, “I don’t think that you just wake up one day and go ‘Oh my god, I’m going to be a fashion designer! Oh, yeah, that’s it!!” That was kinda funny. Anyway, JesusBarbie thinks she has great taste—she’s clearly talking about clothes, because she sure as hell doesn’t have good taste in men. Tamra again: “Alexis is designing a dress line for moms like her—as long as you’re anorexic. And have big tits!” Of course, Asshole Jim is fronting the money. Oh, and they have an agreement: when the dress line interferes with her serving her fat fuck of a fucking husband, she is to immediately quit it.

It’s Woomonger Peggy! Pegs is in a documentary…about…I guess we’re going to have to wait for it. Ah, it’s about post-partum depression. Why is she sitting on this couch next to this GINORMOUS teddy bear? It’s freaking me out. Anyway, she had severe post-partum depression and it is sad. Micah interviews that you don’t know what to do when someone you love is suffering from post-partum depression. Unfortunately, the WOO starts. She blabs about having started some homeopathy. Did she also get her thetans audited?

Ah, Cabo. Vicki and Tamra have dinner. Vicki sets the groveling mood by making Tamra pull out the chair for her. She has something she wants to say to Tamra; she wants Tamra to write out what’s important in a friendship. In other words, she’s giving Tamra homework. Only then will she forgive Tamra. Tamra asks her if she’ll write one too, but of course she won’t, because she’s Vicki, damn you. Vicki notes that Tamra is happy again. Tamra notes that Vicki was very thin-skinned last year. Gee, do you think that human beings can, you know, GROW? CHANGE? MATURE? Wow, what a novel concept. Anyway, Tamra notes that Vicki goes cold whenever Donn’s name is mentioned. The restaurant is too gourmet for Vicki, just so you know.

‘tis Evil Gretchen! She has lunch with her father. She has a surprise for her parents and their 40th anniversary. She will force them to renew their vows, but will not tell them that that is what they’ll be doing. Evil Dad asks about Shady Slade. He’s not entirely sold on Shady Slade. She wants kids, but Evil Dad tells her that having kids is a giant step. In the manual for guys, men just tell women what they want to hear. So sayeth Evil Dad. I don’t know why he just doesn’t lay it out there: Shady Slade is shady and not worth a plug nickel.

Cabo! It’s sunny. Vicki and Tamra lie by the pool. They talk. I do not care. Vicki continues being a finicky eater, while Tamra convinces herself that the Latin Oomph is all that and a bag of chips. Vicki is bitter and a prude. How dare someone talk about themselves when Vicki wants to talk about herself! Vicki doesn’t believe that the Latin Oomph can give it to Tamra for five hours. I think she’s overselling it, frankly.

Pegs and Micah load up….their fucking Bentley…and go to Palm Springs. They’re only staying in Palm Springs for two days, so I don’t know how much of a vacation they’re actually having. But then, disaster! Capri Sun cut her finger! Call the Red Cross! Pegs says she wants Douchebag Micah there…because he’s a Libra and he’s calming. Oh, Spock. Pegs completely overreacts…and by overreacts, I mean she wants to take the kid to the freakin’ hospital. Wow.

Tamra compliments Vicki and then decides to do body shots. Oh, classy. And disgusting. Vicki is not impressed. Nevertheless, she and Tamra meet some slugs and drink more. They “woo hoo.” Woo hoo, indeed.
Anyway, Longsuffering Micah takes Capri Sun to the doctor…and the cut closed up. A stitch would be ridiculous. Micah interviews that Pegs’s post-partum can’t be controlled with drugs, but she’ll need to grow out of it. In the meantime, can’t you put her on some Xanax?

Holy Interstitial! It’s Jugs and her brood. She takes her twins shopping and they act like two little terrors.

Back to Cabo. Tamra says she’s trying new things this year. How else can she remain on television if she doesn’t? Speaking of new things, Vicki asks about the homework. Tamra kinda bullshits her way through the homework, but it’s enough to flatter/satisfy vainglorious Vicki. She’s like a fake-blonde Darth Vader. If you don’t flatter her, she will choke you.



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