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Real Housewives of Orange County: “Body Shots” March 28, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Real Housewives.
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Last time: Girl trip to Cabo is in the works. Peggy’s a fucking idiot, and so is Jugs 4 Jesus…well, basically, everyone’s a fucking idiot.

The first fucking idiot we drop in on is Tamra. I guess she’s able to get up and walk after the sexsational sex bath of sex. She’s in a limo and talking to Latin Oomph. She’s on her way to Cabo for fun with Vicki. Latin Oomph says he “loves” Tamra. Right. Vicki wants Tamra to “court” her and apologize for not shiv’ing Simon. Vicki brings her work with her. Tamra wants to take Vicki’s computer and throw it in a pool. It had better not be a Mac, or I will cut her.

Evil Gretchen has lunch with Jugs. They have boring talk about Evil Gretchen’s parent’s wedding anniversary. Evil Gretchen has been married a lot. Jugs says there’s nothing like being married. Hell, there’s nothing like having Ebola; that doesn’t mean I want it. Of course, Jugs mangles the Bible. She might as well just start quoting the Starfleet Technical Manual. Jugs tacitly judges Evil Gretchen when she says that she knows that EG is having premarital sex and may have an out-of-wedlock child. THE HORROR! Jugs wonders where a “lease” is in the Bible. It’s in the same place with plastic surgery, fake hair and snotty attitudes. Don’t get too judgmental, bitch.

Tamra and Vicki make it to Cabo. Vicki doesn’t want Tamra flashing the good china to any and everyone, but she doesn’t mind the both of them getting hammered five seconds after getting to the hotel room.

Christ. It’s Jugs. She says she was a career woman but quit to raise kids and be a servant to Asshole Jim. Now she wants to start a clothing line. Way to think outside the box there, JesusBarbie. Tamra interviews, “I don’t think that you just wake up one day and go ‘Oh my god, I’m going to be a fashion designer! Oh, yeah, that’s it!!” That was kinda funny. Anyway, JesusBarbie thinks she has great taste—she’s clearly talking about clothes, because she sure as hell doesn’t have good taste in men. Tamra again: “Alexis is designing a dress line for moms like her—as long as you’re anorexic. And have big tits!” Of course, Asshole Jim is fronting the money. Oh, and they have an agreement: when the dress line interferes with her serving her fat fuck of a fucking husband, she is to immediately quit it.

It’s Woomonger Peggy! Pegs is in a documentary…about…I guess we’re going to have to wait for it. Ah, it’s about post-partum depression. Why is she sitting on this couch next to this GINORMOUS teddy bear? It’s freaking me out. Anyway, she had severe post-partum depression and it is sad. Micah interviews that you don’t know what to do when someone you love is suffering from post-partum depression. Unfortunately, the WOO starts. She blabs about having started some homeopathy. Did she also get her thetans audited?

Ah, Cabo. Vicki and Tamra have dinner. Vicki sets the groveling mood by making Tamra pull out the chair for her. She has something she wants to say to Tamra; she wants Tamra to write out what’s important in a friendship. In other words, she’s giving Tamra homework. Only then will she forgive Tamra. Tamra asks her if she’ll write one too, but of course she won’t, because she’s Vicki, damn you. Vicki notes that Tamra is happy again. Tamra notes that Vicki was very thin-skinned last year. Gee, do you think that human beings can, you know, GROW? CHANGE? MATURE? Wow, what a novel concept. Anyway, Tamra notes that Vicki goes cold whenever Donn’s name is mentioned. The restaurant is too gourmet for Vicki, just so you know.

‘tis Evil Gretchen! She has lunch with her father. She has a surprise for her parents and their 40th anniversary. She will force them to renew their vows, but will not tell them that that is what they’ll be doing. Evil Dad asks about Shady Slade. He’s not entirely sold on Shady Slade. She wants kids, but Evil Dad tells her that having kids is a giant step. In the manual for guys, men just tell women what they want to hear. So sayeth Evil Dad. I don’t know why he just doesn’t lay it out there: Shady Slade is shady and not worth a plug nickel.

Cabo! It’s sunny. Vicki and Tamra lie by the pool. They talk. I do not care. Vicki continues being a finicky eater, while Tamra convinces herself that the Latin Oomph is all that and a bag of chips. Vicki is bitter and a prude. How dare someone talk about themselves when Vicki wants to talk about herself! Vicki doesn’t believe that the Latin Oomph can give it to Tamra for five hours. I think she’s overselling it, frankly.

Pegs and Micah load up….their fucking Bentley…and go to Palm Springs. They’re only staying in Palm Springs for two days, so I don’t know how much of a vacation they’re actually having. But then, disaster! Capri Sun cut her finger! Call the Red Cross! Pegs says she wants Douchebag Micah there…because he’s a Libra and he’s calming. Oh, Spock. Pegs completely overreacts…and by overreacts, I mean she wants to take the kid to the freakin’ hospital. Wow.

Tamra compliments Vicki and then decides to do body shots. Oh, classy. And disgusting. Vicki is not impressed. Nevertheless, she and Tamra meet some slugs and drink more. They “woo hoo.” Woo hoo, indeed.
Anyway, Longsuffering Micah takes Capri Sun to the doctor…and the cut closed up. A stitch would be ridiculous. Micah interviews that Pegs’s post-partum can’t be controlled with drugs, but she’ll need to grow out of it. In the meantime, can’t you put her on some Xanax?

Holy Interstitial! It’s Jugs and her brood. She takes her twins shopping and they act like two little terrors.

Back to Cabo. Tamra says she’s trying new things this year. How else can she remain on television if she doesn’t? Speaking of new things, Vicki asks about the homework. Tamra kinda bullshits her way through the homework, but it’s enough to flatter/satisfy vainglorious Vicki. She’s like a fake-blonde Darth Vader. If you don’t flatter her, she will choke you.


Five-Minute Celebrity Apprentice: “Off The Hook” March 28, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Celebrity Apprentice.
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The Task:
Donald Trump: Here are two douchebags from CAN to tell you what to do.
CAN Douchebags: Shouldn’t that be “ACN”?
Donald Trump: Yeah, but Skippy’s spellchecker automatically changes it to CAN, so deal with it.
CAN Douchebags: Your task is to create a 30-second commercial for our videophone.
Audience: Videophone? Seriously? Have you heard of this little thing called an iPhone? Skype’s pretty awesome too.
Donald Trump: Choose your leaders!
Dionne Warwick: Marlee, don’t you use the videophone?
Marlee Matlin: You suck.
The Women: NeNe! Only you can handle Dionne!
The Men: Lil Jon! We’re awesome!
Lil Jon: YEEEAAH!!! And I’d like for you all to know that I absolutely have the perspicacity and tenacity to successfully complete this task. Thank you.
Dionne Warwick: I have an idea! Let’s have me in the commercial!
Lil Jon: We have to think outside the box!
CAN Douchebags: Yeah, but the commercial’s supposed to have heart. Pull at the heartstrings. Remember that, because we won’t bother to.
Jose Canseco: Can we have aliens? I really like aliens.
Lil Jon: We’ll make you gay. That alien enough for you?
Jose Canseco: Uhm, that wasn’t exactly what I had in mind…
NeNe Leakes: Okay, so the CAN douchebags have told us that we have to emphasize heart. They’ve said it about a dozen times, which means this is really what they want.
Marlee Matlin: Let’s have a kid video chatting with her deaf mother!
Dionne Warwick: I love what’s happening here!
Marlee Matlin: Is this furniture for the video shoot supposed to go here or there?
Dionne Warwick: Do you know the way to San Jose, hussy?
NeNe Leakes: Well, that didn’t last long.
Jose Canseco: Playing a gay is such a sacrifice. I deserve an Oscar or ‘roids. I’d prefer the ‘roids.
John Rich: Should we be doing this? Didn’t the CAN douchebags say to emphasize an emotional connection?
Lil Jon: We are! We’re emphasizing fear. YEAAH!
John Rich: Oh, dear.
Lil Jon: Put eyeliner on “Pablo!” It’s what The Gays wear! YEAAH!!
John Rich: We are so screwed.
Marlee Matlin: We’re awesome.
Don Trump: No, you’re not. Where’s Dionne?
Latoya Jackson: I think she told us to go fuck ourselves and then she left.
Ivanka Trump: So, guys, what are you doing?
Ivanka Trump: Good strategy.

The Presentation
Star Jones: CAN is the world’s largest direct-selling telecommunications provider…
Audience: What the fuck does that mean?
Star Jones: …and here’s our commercial!
Doofus Dad: This is the only acting job I’ll ever get!
Marlee Matlin: We love you honey.
Daughter: I love you too.
Dionne Warwick: I will cut you, you hussy!
Jose Canseco: If we piss someone off—like, say, the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation or the HRC, we’ll have made Apprentice history!
John Rich: Dude, I don’t think that’s a good thing.
Lil Jon: YEAAAH! WE’RE EDGY! Here’s our commercial.
Gay Tommy: Hey grandparents! I’m super excited to come out to you via a shitty telecommunications device!
Gary Busey: Where am I again?
Jose/Pablo: Hola. I am The Gay making sweet buttsex with your grandson.
Grandma: That image is not nearly as disturbing as sitting next to Gary Busey is.

The Boardroom
Donald Trump: 450 leaders of CAN Telecommunications Widgets were super excited to see your excellent commercials. Remember that. 450 people. All of whom were supposed to vote on which team won. Lil Jon, you have stage presence.
Lil Jon: We were awesome! YEAAAH!!! Additionally, the typical gendered and sexed narrative that this commercial sought to overturn merely reified the heteronormativity that is pervasive in American society.
Donald Trump: God, shut up. Yes, Richard the Gay?
Richard Hatch: Something tells me we won. I sense something. A presence I haven’t felt since…
Donald Trump: Ok, while Richard’s off with the Force, let’s talk about the risqué nature of your commercial.
Ivanka Trump: Ew! Two men! Doing it up the butt! EWWWW!
Donald Trump: My sentiments exactly.
Jose Canseco: Don’t show this to my dad!
Donald Trump: Everyone will see this. IT’S VIRAL!! NeNe, why are you crying?
NeNe Leakes: Because I know why you’re taking an hour to verbally fellate the men. They won, didn’t they?
Donald Trump: Aw, NeNe, you had a good commercial too. Yes, you did. It was really nice. Everyone loved it. I loved it. My hair loved it.
NeNe Leakes: So did we win?
Donald Trump: No.
Star Jones: Hell, was it even close?
Donald Trump: Yep. 53-47.
Star Jones: Well as long as it was—hey, what? 53-47? Where the hell were the other 350 votes?
Dionne Warwick: You mean the men win for doing the exact opposite of what the CAN douchebags wanted?
Latoya Jackson: Everyone is trying to control me!
NeNe Leakes: That’s ‘cause you’re a dumbfuck bobblehead who can’t keep time!
Marlee Matlin: What she said.
Donald Trump: Who do y’all want me to fire?
Everyone: Dionne. No. Seriously. DIONNE.
Dionne Warwick: Go ahead. Fire me. I dare you. I double-dog dare you, you hussy.
Donald Trump: Done. Dionne, you’re fired!
Dionne Warwick: NeNe, you coward, I will find you and I will haunt your dreams, your family, your life. You will never, ever have a moment’s rest or peace. Until you do right by me, everything you think about is gonna fail!
Donald Trump: Didn’t I just fire her? Why can I still hear her talking?

Wonder Woman? I Think Not. March 28, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Comics, Observations, Popular Culture, Science Ficton.
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Gaze upon this trainwreck and tell me that David E. Kelley’s impending abomination won’t suck ten kinds of ass:

Fig. 1: Cheap-looking, and tacky.

Children, even Adrianne Palicki looks like she can’t believe she’s in this get-up. What’s wrong with this outfit? Let’s count:

1. It’s too damned shiny.
This looks like the televisual equivalent of JJ Abrams’ overuse of lens flares in Star Trek (2009). Could you imagine Wondy running around in broad daylight in this thing? Why, the reflections off of this getup would cause blindness in a five block radius.

2. It looks cheap.
As other bloggers have noted, this looks like a generic Superhero Halloween outfit, woman version. The supposed “gold” parts of the uniform don’t look at all like actual gold. Rather, they look like cheap plastic—of course, it is cheap plastic, but it shouldn’t look like cheap plastic. Even the bracelets look like cheap plastic.

3. That tiara is awful…actually, all of it is awful.
Seriously. Now, it seems that the producers and costume designers are following the recent “redesign” of Wonder Woman’s uniform in the comic books. It certainly looks a lot like it, but that tiara is supposed to be a bit more…pronounced. The bracelets look like craptacular. The bustier is just plain tragic.

Children, it looks like this televised Wonder Woman will be nowhere near the awesome cheesiness of the 1970s show. I was already skeptical when I read about David Kelley’s take on this superhero icon. The Ally McBeal-ish quirks and this pathetic costume redesign do not bode well. Oh, and it’s going to be on NBC, the network that brought you “Heroes” and “The Event.”