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Real Housewives of Miami: “Optical Delusion” March 9, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Real Housewives.
1 comment so far

Last Time: Cristy didn’t RSVP, she didn’t buy a ticket. Cristy is tacky.

It is the aftermath of the Charity Function To Help The Kids. So that means we must begin with Lea. Fuck. Lea is exhausted, but she doesn’t drink. She’s such a superior bitch. She interviews that the CFTHTK was work. Adriana asks a leading question about Tacky Cristy. Lea is not happy about Tacky Cristy’s tacky behavior.

Speaking of Tacky Cristy, she shows up at some new joint with Larsa. She tells Larsa that she showed up late to the CFTHTK because of a flat tire. I hate Tacky Cristy’s voice. It is the voice of an airheaded dimwit. She talks a mile a minute, but doesn’t say jack shit. Tacky Cristy is bored with the conversation, so she decides to do what she calls “dancing.”

Fucking Lea, Alexia and Larsa are having lunch, because Adriana asked them to. She is late. Like, an hour and a half late. Larsa says that being an hour and a half is “disgusting.” Adriana tells Fucking Lea that she’s late because she had to help her brood with his homework, which made her late for two other appointments, which made her late for lunch. She’s late. And stupid, but more on that later. Fucking Lea interrogates Larsa about the stupid time that she had at the bar (remember? With the two Bravo-placed homosexuals?). Fucking Lea judges Adriana for the following: drinking, going to a club, dancing with two Bravo-placed homosexuals, and sinking the Lusitania.

Adriana finally shows up and claims that she’s late because of her make-up appointment. Fucking Lea judges her with a cackle and a swig of cheap champagne. I hate Lea. Commercials!

Adriana claims that she loves art. She also claims that Miami is a big hub for art. I do not believe her at all. She has chosen a Brazilian artist named Marcos Marin to have a showing. He is late, too. He hasn’t gotten his artistic shit together; he agreed to have 37 pieces for the show, but hasn’t finished them…and it’s two days before the show. Twelve pieces are finished, but haven’t yet been stretched and hung. He had three months. He sucks.
Alexia makes breakfast for Jailbait Model Peter. She tries to wake his dumb lazy ass up, and then picks up clothes from the floor. I hate her. Make that dumbfuck do it himself! She even cuts the food for him. Goddamn. Anyway, JMPeter wants to have a graduation party and a “famous DJ.” However, it will cost $10,000.00. For two hours. How is this even a conversation? Oh, but wait. She tries to bust his chops for having purchased a $600.00 ring for his girlfriend…on his credit card.
Why the fuck does a goddamned teenager even have a fucking credit card?!? I hate them both.

Larsa is continuing the theme of fucking stupid decision making. She’s on the phone with Scottie Pippen, Retired NBA basketball player, because she wants to buy a truck for…
…wait for it…
Oh, by the way, Scottie Pippen, Retired NBA Player is going into the Hall of Fame. Duh, winning!

Back at the strip-mall “art gallery,” the artiste is still making fugly, boring, trite and derivative art. Adriana says that some male artists are harder to deal with than female artists. Apparently, Marcos the Artiste did something for Prince Albert of Monaco. Ooooh, special! His “art” consists of representations of Miami celebrities. Picasso, he ain’t. Commercials!

Oh, shit, it’s Marysol’s freakishly ugly maternal unit, Drunk Elsa! There isn’t enough alcohol in the world to make this woman not freakishly ugly. Can we have an episode without this freakshow? Marysol wants Drunk Elsa to approve of Philippe. She insults his clothing. She’s on her fifth goblet of baby blood wine and is apparently toasted. She says she’s a witch. Philippe lets out a horrified chuckle. Marysol says that Drunk Elsa is playful and controlling. An AWESOME combination.

Larsa goes car shopping with her 16 year old brother. He doesn’t want to test drive anything practical, claiming that he can’t “get girls” with a Toyota Camry. No, he wants to test drive a fucking SUV. Who’s buying the fucking car? Larsa the Fucking Idiot indulges her fucking brother, so they test drive a Toyota SUV. He drives like a fucking asshole. I betcha he wouldn’t drive like a fucking asshole if HE WAS THE ONE WHO HAD TO PAY FOR THE FUCKING CAR! Fucking idiots.

Speaking of idiots, Adriana gets a call from her business partner. Rafael is PISSED. I think he dropped the F-bomb about ten times in the phone call. Adriana says the blame will be on her since she chose Marcos the Artiste. She has a Plan B. Good for her. She’s still an idiot.

Exercising the Interstitial: Alexia continues to inflict body image issues on JMPeter as they work out with Helga, the German Exercise Masochist. She mocks JMPeter and congratulates him by lifting him off the floor and putting him in a bear hug. This boy is fucked.

It is the Night of Art! Everyone shows up to the strip mall art gallery…which has a red carpet that is utterly laughable. Even Tacky Cristy shows up. Tickets aren’t required for this event, so I guess she’s okay. They all look at the tacky, boring art on the walls. Larsa muses that she should have been on the wall. Oh, Larsa. Not everyone thinks fucking and successfully snagging an NBA player is worthy of being immortalized in art.
Aw, fuck. Lea. She shows up looking for all the world like a retarded drag queen’s interpretation of Lady Gaga. She asks where Adriana is.

She happens to be at home, getting ready. Bitch is late. Like, two hours late. That is fucking intolerable. If I were her business partner, I’d be putting my foot so far up her ass, she’d be tasting shoe polish for six months. Fucking Lea is excited that the Artiste did a piece based on her. Larsa thinks art is “cool,” showing that she has not one fucking clue about art whatsoever. Larsa and Tacky Cristy are so over art, they leave after ten or twenty minutes. They miss the surprise that Adriana promised; she introduces a new Artiste, who performs a demonstration of his art…at someone else’s showing. She acts like this was her big Plan B. Really? Ok, whatever. Marcos the First Artiste and his “friend” Tommy are not pleased. I bet even Tacky Cristy would think that that was tacky. About as tacky as showing up to a charity event and not paying for the ticket like everyone else.

Tommy starts bitching at Adriana. But wait, there’s a ginormous drag queen standing behind Fucking Lea. I’m distracted by the ginormous drag queen. Why is she there? Is she part of the show? Why is her makeup so bad? Alas, I get no answers to any of those questions, as we cut to commercial.

Tommy the Douche continues to act a fool. Marcos the Artist tells Adriana that she’s being mean. Fucking Lea interviews that the artist and Tommy were at fault and that Adriana overreacted. Even Rafael lets Adriana know that this did not make her look good. See? She’s a fucking idiot, and everyone knows it.

Anyway, we see that there’s a footprint on the new piece by the new Artiste. Adriana wants an Inquisition into the footprint. Fucking Lea says that this scandal might drive business. She cackles like Emperor Palpatine. Everything is proceeding as she has foreseen…