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Real Housewives of Atlanta: Birthday Parties and Banjos March 19, 2012

Posted by Skippy in Uncategorized.
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Last Time: Phaedra wants to get her hands on a dead body, NeNe wants to divorce somebody, and Sheree starts shit between some bodies.  Cynthia defends her shitty husband after he treats her sister like a nobody.

We begin with the Supermodel of the World and her geriatric failure of a husband.  He thinks that the stupid one-year anniversary party “went great.”  I guess if you think dissing your wife’s sister is a good thing, then the party went splendidly.  Supermodel doesn’t understand what Mel’s “issue” with their marriage is and claims that she’s done.  She’s also dumb.  Papa Smurf doesn’t understand Mel’s issue with him.  And Supermodel is claiming that Mel caused a scene?  Damn, this woman is dumb, dumb, dumb.

Kandi goes back into the belly of the beast.  She visits the Biermann Manor…and is immediately asked by Lady Kim about what happened.  She wants Lady Kim to know that it was Supermodel who made the crack about holding black babies. They rehearse the music issue and make nice.  Me and you will never part!

Speaking of parting, NeNe visits her lawyers.  Well, they’re lawyers.  I don’t know if they’re her lawyers.  They’ve got some sweet offices overlooking Midtown Atlanta.  Anyway, NeNe has been separated from Gregg for a year and there’s a divorce settlement on the table.  She claims that she’s got a man ready to “scoop her up.” Um, yeah. Whatever. That said, NeNe isn’t sure she wants to divorce Gregg, but the lawyers keep thinking “billable hours,” so they won’t shut up.

Hey, Hot Piece of Ass!  Long time no see!  Anyway, HPoA is going to speak to the Masonic Lodge…about his passage to manhood.  I’m not saying another thing, other than this: fool, DO NOT read while you’re trying to drive, you fucking idiot!  The hell is wrong with you!

Ok, now I have to make fun of this Masonic Lodge.  They’re holding their event at a Picadilly Cafeteria?  Holy mother of Spock, I didn’t know Picadilly Cafeteria still existed!  Clearly, Prince Ayden Adonis ain’t crazy about the choice of venue either, because he smacks Lady Phaedra in the eye and cries.  Anyway, HPoA doesn’t share Phaedra’s “gift of gab.”  No, no he doesn’t.  But he sure is nice to look at. 

Kandi is at some dude named Lil Ronnie’s house.  Oh, so we’re back to this Kandi Goes Country bullshit?  Meh.  But damn, he’s got insane computer equipment.  Looks like the bridge of the U.S.S. Enterprise.  Kandi’s nervous about working with JoDee Messina.  I truly couldn’t care less. 

It’s Shit By Sheree!  Tierra, Sheree’s sensible child, visits.  She’s got a job in television production—good for you!  She’s got news for Sheree…Tierra’s boyfriend Damon might propose! This, for some reason, does not make Sheree happy.  It should—they’ve been dating for seven years!  Sheree basically shit-talks marriage.  Yeah, Tierra, I don’t think your mother is the best person to talk to concerning marriage. 

Speaking of idiots talking, Mel stops by Supermodel’s fugaboo agency.  She wants to apologize to Supermodel before she jets off to France, but Supermodel wants a pound of flesh.  Mel explains that when she sees Papa Smurf, she sees failure, but Supermodel wants to make digs on Mel’s man. “You are in my shadow, get it, bitch?”  That’s basically what Supermodel says.  She interviews that Mel is acting like a “hater.”  Supermodel is one dumb, dumb, foolish child. 

Prince Ayden Adonis is turning one!  More importantly, Apollo is shirtless.  More stupidly, the Lady Phaedra decides to have the baby’s first birthday party two hours away. 

TWO HOURS?

And why the hell is Dwight there? 

The Lady Phaedra has twelve cakes presented to a one year old who couldn’t give a flying shit.  Sheree: “Now, who gon’ eat all that damn cake?”

Lawrence tries to talk sense to the Concubine.  It fails.  Commercials.

Ok, so now Sheree meets Damon the Boyfriend to grill him and present incontrovertible evidence that she will be a meddlesome mother-in-law.  I feel badly for Damon.  The minute he makes ANY mistake, she will be all up in Tierra’s grill and telling her that he ain’t no good.  Their only hope is to move far, far away from Sheree.  I’m just sayin’ 

We’re back in Nashville at JoDee Messina’s recording studio and…zzzzzzzzzz.  Oh, I’m sorry.  I fell asleep there for a few hours.  Anyway, when I wake up, Kandi is telling us something we already fucking know: there aren’t a lot of black country singers or producers.  JoDee sings the song that Kandi wrote about money growing on trees and then tells her that she wants to sing the song live in front of people.  It makes Kandi nervous.  Still don’t care. 

NeNe sees a therapist!  ‘Bout damn time. 

Oh, GOD. We’re back in fucking Nashville and now we’re at the Bluebird Café.  Pardon me for not giving a shit about this.  Anyway, they sing and they sing and then the episode is over. 

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Real Housewives of Atlanta: Let the Dead Bury the Dead March 12, 2012

Posted by Skippy in Real Housewives.
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Last Time: Africa might have been “life-changing,” but the Ladies Who Lunch came back to DRAAAMAAA!
We begin with the Lady Kim at the Biermann Estate as she tries desperately to maintain order and decorum in the home. Her slave assistant “Sweetie” is shiftless and trifling. What does this dynamic remind me of?


Fig. 1: Oh, yeah. This.

Our dear, put upon Kim reminds the viewer that she and her slave assistant have more of a friendship instead of a working relationship. Well, look who’s gotten all brand new since she landed a football player?

The Lady Kim bemoans her troubled home to her wig stylist. The slave assistant didn’t register the young ladies of the estate for school! She took too long to get food! She’s been rude to the young ladies of the manor! The Lady Kim is distracted to pieces and does not know what she must do! Oh, the dilemma. The wig stylist agrees: the slave assistant must be manumitted!

Speaking of brand new, Phaedra—who I’m really warming to—visits Willie Watkins’ Funeral Home (bet they’re loving this free publicity!) to get instruction on how to embalm and make-up a corpse. Phaedra names her model corpse “Anna Belle” and says she can’t wait to get her hands on a real corpse.

At Chez NeNe, Ne’er Do Well Bryson has been released from jail. She leaves it to Gregg to try to talk to him. He asks why he shoplifted. This boy is ten pounds of fucking stupid in a two-pound sack. He says that he needs to stop making dumb decisions, but that ain’t moving Gregg or NeNe. Idiot Bryson claims that he wants to “own a restaurant.” This boy is dumb. D-U-M-B. NeNe notes that if the divorce goes through, Gregg won’t be there for Idiot Bryson and Brent. NeNe says that it’s time for Idiot Bryson to move out—she’s tired of yelling and screaming at him.

Oh, hell, I guess we had to visit the Lady Cynthia and her Old Man, Papa Smurf. He’s planning their one-year anniversary, which, by the way, they’re over budget. Papa Smurf tells Lady Supermodel that “the type of people they roll with” expect for a one-year anniversary party to be ridiculously expensive…which is why he might have to borrow money from her. Here we go with the stupidity of new money. Oh, and he also doesn’t want Supermodel’s Not-Really-Evil Sister Mal in the car with them. Gee, I wonder what this evening’s drama will be?

Oh, hai, Mal! She’s back in town and ready for DRAAMAA! She tries to ask some sense into her stupid sister’s head, but we’ve heard this song before, haven’t we? She flat-out calls Papa Smurf an “asshole,” which pisses off the Lady Cynthia, so she strikes back by telling her she can’t ride in the limo. DRAAMAA!

Papa Smurf is on the phone, yelling at The Limo Company…because the limo ain’t there! Oh, no! Y’know, I think they might be putting a bit too much into this one-year anniversary party business.

THE FESTIVITIES BEGIN! All the C and D-List stars of Atlanta are there, clamoring for free food and camera time. Only thing is, there isn’t much food. At least there’s plenty of cheap booze! The Lady Supermodel is having her weave styled, and it makes her look like Dracula and Cleopatra Jones had a supermodel lovechild. NeNe shows up, wearing a hideous outfit and trying to show off, but the men are NOT impressed. As NeNe sidles up to Marlo the Concubine, they begin squealing and schmoozing each other. Just in view is a tastefully dressed woman who smirks and gives them the most awesome side-eye ever. If I were at that party, she and I would be shit talking the HELL out of NeNe and the Concubine…who happens to not be with the afflicted football player anymore. Oh, no, children, she’s “traded up,” which in the parlance of this show seems to mean “she’s now dating a white guy.” NeNe, who claims to be also dating a white man (O RLY?) interviews, “White is right, and I think it’s great.” I can’t even with that statement, because the DRAAMAA begins with the entrance of the Wicked Sister and Mother. The Evil Mother flat-out says she didn’t think Supermodel and Papa Smurf would make it a whole year…she’s “excited” that they made it, but immediately begins shit-talking Papa Smurf. Lady Supermodel claims that this $10,000 one-year anniversary party was a “small budget.” Bitch, that’s foolish.

Speaking of foolish, the Concubine explains why she isn’t with the afflicted football player, even though it’s not really much of an explanation. I’ve got a theory: New Dude has more money than Old Dude.

Sheree arrives…and shit ain’t far behind. Lawrence wants to get the tea from the Concubine about her dropping the F-bomb in South Africa…and the Concubine lies through her teeth. Straight up lies. Bitch, IT’S ON TAPE. Lawrence is not buying the shit that the Concubine is selling.

IT’S. ON. TAPE.

Kandi notes that Sheree loves to throw people under the bus…but won’t woman up and say straight up that the Concubine said the shit she said.

But back to the main shit of the evening, Papa Smurf straight up disses Malorie in front of everyone. See, new money. He has no class whatsofuckingever. Malorie is in tears. Does Cynthia apologize? Tell Papa Smurf he needs to get his ass in check? NO. Malorie tells Cynthia that she needs to stop taking up for that overbearing asswipe. And she does, cause that? Was some bullshit.

Real Housewives of Atlanta: Shit Stirring by Sheree March 5, 2012

Posted by Skippy in Real Housewives.
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Last Time: The ladies went to Africa and all was well in the world…until Cynthia and Kandi shit-talked Kim. DRAMA!

DAMMIT, these heffas are still in South Africa! But it’s their last day, so I should probably schedule my coronary for later. Lady Marlo inveigles some poor woman to help pack her luggage. NeNe thinks the ladies who do not care for Lady Marlo are “petty.” Cynthia and Kandi discuss the events of the prior evening, thus setting up the drama for tonight’s installment. Kandi is concerned that Sheree is putting her on “front street.” I did not realize ladies of such breeding used such common language.

Lady Marlo’s indentured servant is still packing, but is soon inveigled by the Lady NeNe to help pack her items. The Ladies are serenaded on their way out, and the Lady Phaedra notes that one must do more than “superficial things.” The Lady Sheree notes that the Africans are just “happy to be alive.” She’s learned so much. The Lady Cynthia says that petty things don’t matter…at least until they get back to the United States.

Back at the Biermann Manor, the Lady Kim is trying to find a nanny of sufficient class and breeding. She has two housekeepers, but the Manor needs so much more help. It’s so difficult to find good help, as the Lady Kim is finding out. She is distraught that Sweetie is sunbathing. Such is the life of the 1%.

At the Lady Cynthia’s estate, we are treated to a complaint about flying first-class. Lord Peter is helping Noelle with homework—they don’t have someone for that? At any rate, the Lady Cynthia has brought gifts…for Noelle. Lord Peter doesn’t get shit, but he still tells the Lady Cynthia that he is planning a celebration for their one-year anniversary. Certainly, this will occur without ANY problems.

Speaking of problems, the Lady NeNe’s ne-er do well son Bryson has been arrested, leading Lord Peter to spout some misogynistic bullshit about a man needing a man to raise him. Shut up, Papa Smurf.

I do not like Mama Joyce’s wig. Kandi tries to explain to Mama Joyce that Sheree is a shit-stirrer and that Kim ain’t a racist. Kandi does not want to have a falling out with Sheree or Kim. Dear, what is a season of the Real Housewives WITHOUT a falling out?

Anyway, we return to the Biermann Manor as the Lady Kim relates her sudden problems with Sweetie the Assistant and Kandi to Kendra the Interior Decorator…who also happens to be the woman from whom she and Kroy’s Fine Ass are leasing the house. IT’S A LEASE?!?


Fig. 1: Mmm, hm.

And what does the Lady Kim do that she needs an assistant?

The Ladies Phaedra and Kandi drive through Buckhead and discuss moving on up to the East Side. They want to see how the Lady Sheree’s new palatial and modern estate is coming along…
…it isn’t.

At the Biermann Manor, the Lady Sheree arrives to discuss the excursion to South Africa. Lady Kim buys Sheree’s lies hook, line and sinker. She minimizes her role in the shit-talking about Kim. Phaedra and Kandi arrive. Phaedra: “Lord have mercy, I know before the end of this lovely luncheon somebody is gonna bring up something about this black baby shenanigans and I’m gonna have to relive another episode of foolery.” Yep, pretty much.

Lord Peter got a prescription for Viagra. COMMERCIALS. He wants to throw a lavish party, but doesn’t bring his checkbook. The party planner is all, “Fuck a bunch of THIS.” Speaking of, the Lady NeNe refuse to bail ne’er do well Bryson out of jail—she says it’s time to show him “tough love.” Lord Peter implores her to bail him out. He’s an idiot. Shut up, fool.

Anyway. Back at the Biermann (LEASED) Manor, the Ladies who lunch and lease discuss the trip to South Africa. A tense silence ensues…and then Sheree-induced hell breaks loose. Kandi tries to explain “what really happened,” but Sheree will have none of this. Facts? Not in Sheree’s world! Phaedra ain’t even bothering…until Kandi asks her to weigh in as a neutral party. Kandi notes that there’s no use in trying to deal with Sheree. Kim claims that Sheree is a friend—a friend who pulls weave and talks shit.