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Five-Minute Celebrity Apprentice: “7Up Finale” May 25, 2011

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Studio Audience: We’ve been told to cheer enthusiastically for Trump, so applaud we must.
Donald Trump: I love that you all love me. Now endure this clip show!
Marlee Matlin: My event is going so well! There’s no way I can lose!
John Rich: Hey Def Leppard! Can you do a drum kick?
Def Leppard: No. Fuck you.
John Rich: Okay then!
Random People: Hey, John Rich? We’re going to give you $250k.
John Rich: Awesome, Random People! I’ve always liked you.
Random People: We really just wanted to be on television. That check’s totally made of rubber.
Donald Trump: Let’s interrupt all this with stupid banter with the fired Apprenti! By the way, Ivanka is expecting a child!
Ivanka Trump: My offspring will have my superior genes and one day will rule over you puny humans.
Donald Trump: Oh, Don Jr. is expecting a child too.
Ivanka Trump: His children will be stupid.
Don Trump, Jr.: That’s true.
Donald Trump: Well, that was fun. Let me be a friend to the Blacks now. NeNe, you were a source of endless racial stereotype.
NeNe Leakes: I never should have left Atlanta.
Star Jones: She was an embarrassment to all Professional Black Women everywhere in the entire Universe. I, on the other hand, am the very model of a modern major general.
Donald Trump: You know what would be awesome now? MOAR TALKING.
Marlee Matlin’s Interpreter: You know, I have a name bitches. It’s Jack.
John Rich: I’m going to sing a song now. Feel free to go to the kitchen and grab a snack.
Audience: Screw that. I’m getting a beer. Scratch that. I’m getting several beers.
Donald Trump: But wait! You’ll miss the great clip show of how crazy Gary Busey is!
Audience: Don’t. Care.
Donald Trump: Fine. Watch this schmaltzy song by John Rich and Marlee Matlin.
Audience: Fuck, is she going to try singing, too?
Marlee Matlin: No, I and the New York School for the Deaf will do sign language. You will feel uplifted!
Donald Trump: Have we padded this out to nearly two hours? Yes? Ok, great. John Rich, you won.
Skippy: What? What?!? This is some bullshit. Marlee totally should have won.
Donald Trump: I never said I was a friend to the deaf.


Five-Minute Celebrity Apprentice: “Retro Rumble” May 18, 2011

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Meat Loaf: I outlawyered Star Jones! I am awesome!
Donald Trump: Whatever. You will now be interviewed by Three Stooges: Piers Morgan, Joan Rivers and Bret Michaels. I’ll fire two of you afterwards.
John Rich’s Interview
Joan Rivers: What will the others say negatively about you?
John Rich: I’m awesome?
Piers Morgan: That damned hat is not awesome.
Brett Michaels: Can you look Lil Jon in the eye after you squash him?
John Rich: Arglebargle? Wharrgle.
Piers Morgan: That made no damn sense. And you really are coasting on the strengths of others.

Lil Jon’s Interview
Joan Rivers: Who will be in the final two?
Lil Jon: John Rich and Marlee—
Everybody: UM, WHAT?
Piers Morgan: You’re a loser—
Lil Jon: Let me finish, bitch.
Piers Morgan: Um, do you want to win?
Lil Jon: Meh, whatever.
Piers Morgan: Why are you in this competition?
Lil Jon: To present an impossible image of rappers to confront other impossible images of rappers. Yeah.
Piers Morgan: Dude, you suck too.

Meat Loaf’s Interview
Piers Morgan: What the hell are we to call you? Meat? Loaf? Mashed? Potatoes?
Joan Rivers: You’re old, like me!
Piers Morgan: Aren’t you a big assed crybaby?
Piers Morgan: You ARE barking mad.
Brett Michaels: Can you direct your energy to not being batshit insane?
Meat Loaf: No.

Marlee Matlin’s Interview
Brett Michaels: I totally want to bang her.
Joan Rivers: Where’s your Oscar? I want it!
Marlee Matlin: Fuck you, old woman! You can’t have it!
Brett Michaels: Do you think you can play up the disability for the win?
Marlee Matlin: Of course!
Joan Rivers: Your stand up was astonishingly…bad.
Marlee Matlin: Thank you!
Joan Rivers: Interpreter, you didn’t tell her everything, did you?
Marlee Matlin’s Interpreter: I never do.
Piers Morgan: I’m going to say something utterly insensitive and douchetastic.
Marlee Matlin: No surprises there.
Piers Morgan: Not a fan.
Marlee Matlin: Right back atcha, bitch.

Donald Trump: Ok, let’s do this. Meat Loaf. Lil Jon. You both suck. You’re fired. John and Marlee, you’re the final two!
John Rich: I will destroy her. For charity.
Marlee Matlin: I will kill him. For charity.
Donald Trump: Excellent. Here’s your final task. Free marketing and party planning and other shit for 7Up’s Retro. You’ll have to choose either the 70s and the Harlem Globetrotters or the 80s and Def Leppard. Oh, and a bunch of morons are back. Choose your teams!
Marlee Matlin: I choose Latoya, Meat Loaf (don’t cry!), and Richard Hatch.
John Rich: I choose Lil Jon, Mark McGrath, and Star Jones.

Team Marlee
Meat Loaf: I have crazy ideas!
Marlee Matlin: I have no intention of stopping you, for I clearly have not learned my lesson from the last time I let you run amok.
Meat Loaf: Awesome! Let’s put a boombox on the 7Up Retro boxes!
Marlee Matlin: Ok. On second thought, no.
Hark! Ivanka approacheth!
Ivanka Trump: What is the concept?
Meat Loaf: Blah, blah, boom box and disco ball.
Ivanka Trump: You were talking? I was not listening.
Meat Loaf: I have a non-crazy idea—let’s bring back a guy who did the commercials back in the 70s!
Latoya Jackson: I’m a superhero!
Richard Hatch: What the hell does that have to do with this commercial?
Meat Loaf: Who cares? I just got a call—the dude might possibly maybe not do our commercial! DAMNIT ALL TO HELL!!
Team John
Lil Jon: I’ll direct the commercial until I’m directed to not give a shit.
Star Jones: I’ll use the computer and eat take out!
John Rich: And that’s different from what you’ve usually done how?
Mark McGrath: I will be the hyperactive child in the corner!
John Rich: No, I will be the hyperactive child in the corner! We’re going to get Dee Snyder for our commercial! He’s totally the 80s!
Star Jones: I have a crush on you, John Rich.
Celebrity Apprentice Prop: I die!! CRASH
Hark! Ivanka approacheth!
Ivanka Trump: Who is this Def Leppard?
John Rich: Only the best band in the whole damned 80s! They’re awesome!! And so is Twisted Sister! I got Dee Snyder to do our commercial!!!
Ivanka Trump: I truly could not care less. This can with the zebra striping? It is offensive to my eyes.
Lil Jon: I’m tired.
John Rich: So, do you have the commercial done yet, Lil Jon?
Lil Jon: I said I’m tired.
Dee Snyder: I can shave my mustache so I can be in your commercial.
John Rich: THAT’S AWESEOME NEWS! Isn’t it, Lil Jon?
Lil Jon: So very tired…
Def Leppard’s Road Manager: I’ve been directed to arbitrarily cause drama.
John Rich: Oh, NOES!!!

To Be Continued…

Five-Minute Celebrity Apprentice: “Laugh ON” (part 2) May 10, 2011

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Donald Trump: OnStar is awesome! I personally have no idea what it is or what it does, but that’s what these old farts are here to tell you.
OnStar Execs: OnStar is now available at Best Buy, so you can purchase it and use this useless service in your car. Your job is to provide us with free advertising. Good luck!
Donald Trump: What is this “Best Buy”? Anyway, choose your leaders!
Backbone: We played eenie-meenie-minie-mo. So John Rich will be the project manager.
ASAP: Marlee Matlin will be our project manager.
OnStar Execs: We’ve been directed to once again give the men their marching orders. John Rich and Lil Jon, the word “ON” is very, very important. Just a hint. Now, Team ASAP—
Meat Loaf: Can you use this on a bicycle?
OnStar Execs: We thought that Trump got rid of Gary Busey.
Lil Jon: We need to steal completely from the Mac v. PC commercials. They’re still doing those, right?
John Rich: That idea is giving me a headache.
Meat Loaf: My idea is to do something completely condescending and annoying.
Star Jones: I can totally make this work to my advantage. Things are proceeding exactly as I have planned.
Lil Jon: This is OnStar! YEAAAAAH! Can we get George Lucas to do some CGI?
Star Jones: Meat Loaf, do we have a script?
Meat Loaf: Script? We don’t need no stinkin’ script!
Star Jones: There’s no way that Donald Trump could blame me for this impending fiasco.

Don Jr. approaches. No one cares.
Donald Trump, Jr.: Hey. Any naked women in tubs? No? Then I don’t care.


Marlee Matlin: I probably should have taken more control.
Marlee Matlin’s Interpreter: What the hell did you think I was signing to you?
OnStar Exec: What the fuck is this shit?
John Rich: My gramma will have an OnStar in her Caddy!
OnStar Exec: That’s nice…could you wear a shirt that isn’t so violently colorful?
Other OnStar Exec: I hate rap.

Another Boardroom!

Donald Trump: A hick and a black can get along—who knew? So, Marlee, why didn’t you completely run everything?
Marlee Matlin: I delegated—isn’t that what a project manager does?
Donald Trump: Hell if I know. Anyway, the OnStar Execs hated your commercial.
Audience: Well, file that under “duh.”
Meat Loaf: Sweetie, you need to listen to me!
Star Jones: Um, what? I’m a lawyer!
Donald Trump: So what did you two fight about?
Star Jones: Meat Loaf belittled me by calling me sweetie.
Donald Trump: Aw, get over it. I’ve been called much worse.
Star Jones: Like “misogynist”? “Sexist pig bastard from Hell”?
Donald Trump: Nope.
Star Jones: “Asshole”? “Imbecile”? It has to be “imbecile.”
Donald Trump: Star, you’re never going to figure it out. You’re fired!

Five-Minute Celebrity Apprentice: “Laugh ON” (part 1) May 10, 2011

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Donald Trump: We’re at Gotham Comedy Club! Comedy is awesome!
President Barack Obama: Oh, I’m so glad you love comedy. Would you like to come to the White House Correspondents Dinner?
Donald Trump: Can’t wait. Here’s your task: sell tickets to a comedy show.
NeNe Leakes: This task bores me. I’m leaving.
Star Jones: I want Tracy Morgan to do a video cameo!
Marlee Matlin: I want to do some stand up!
Marlee Matlin’s Interpreter: She means she wants me to do some stand up.
Jim Cramer, Host of “Mad Money”: The economy is so bad, I’m now working for Donald Trump. What are you all doing?
Meat Loaf: I really, really don’t have time to talk to you! I care about the children!
Star Jones: All I care about is winning. I want Tracy Jordan!
Jim Cramer, Host of “Mad Money”: Y’all are as crazy as I look.

Hark! Ivanka approacheth!

Ivanka Trump: John Rich and Little Jon, what are you puny humans doing? Wait. Isn’t there supposed to be another person? What is her name? Oh, yes. Where is this “NeNe”?
Lil Jon: We don’t know where the fuck she is!
Ivanka Trump: Hm. You little people and your little problems.
NeNe Leakes: I’m in a cab, not doin’ ur task.
Donald Trump: I saw potential in you! Potential for more drama between you and Star! And I got rid of a Playboy Playmate–all for you…and ratings!
NeNe Leakes: My dramatic and totally childish exit is for the greater good.
Latoya Jackson: Hi, Kathy Hilton? Remember me?
Kathy Hilton: Um, not really…
Latoya Jackson: Could you give us some money for a charity?
Kathy Hilton: Will a thousand bucks get you off my phone?
Latoya Jackson: …um, sure.
Marlee Matlin: What the hell is wrong with him? And who are these kids he’s crying about?
Marlee Matlin’s Interpreter: Hell if I know.
Star Jones: Let me see if I can calm this fool the fuck down. Mr. Trump? Meat Loaf here is having a nervous breakdown and wants you to not punish the losing team by making them give up their money to the winning team.
Donald Trump: He can suck it. But tell him to keep crying; we just got a boost in the ratings.
Jimmy Fallon: I am allegedly good friends with this “John Rich” person. Here’s ten thousand dollars and a shitty song.
John Rich: Thanks, Jimmy Fallon! You truly are a good friend!
Jimmy Fallon: Get your grubby paws off me.

Comedy Show!

New Yorkers: They promised us free booze.
Unfunny Comedians: We’re not really funny.
Marlee Matlin: Deaf people can tell jokes too!
Marlee Matlin’s Interpreter: Sure they can…but you can’t.


Donald Trump: Meat Loaf. Are you still ten pounds of crazy in a five-pound sack?
Donald Trump: So the answer is “yes.” Anyway, guess who else is crazy? NeNe! She didn’t know how good she had it here! I was a friend to her! You will rue the day you quit this two-bit reality show, NeNe Leakes! You’re fired! And you’re a quitter! And Star Jones kicked your ass whether you like it or not!
President Barack Obama: Well, guess who kicked your ass, Trump? Oh, and I’m still kicking it. Just thought you should know.
Donald Trump: Grrr. Never should have gone to that dinner. Anyway, Latoya, how’d your team do?
Latoya Jackson: We did well, Mr. Trump. Thank you so much for letting me back on the show.
Ivanka Trump: Your enthusiasm is matched only by your incompetence.
Latoya Jackson: …is that a compliment?
John Rich: Meat Loaf, I’ll give you some money—
Donald Trump: Oh, Jesus. Okay, ASAP wins—
Meat Loaf: THAT’S SO AWESOME! WAAAAAH! I must call my wife!
Star Jones: How does she put up with that?
Donald Trump: Well, Latoya, I brought you back on this show—
Latoya Jackson: Don’t say it!
Donald Trump: –to fire you again. Latoya, you’re fired! Again!
Latoya Jackson: I will use the shreds of dignity I have left to imitate my dead brother’s classic music video, “Billie Jean.” I’m classy like that.

Five-Minute Celebrity Apprentice: “Shear Madness” May 2, 2011

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News Alert…we interrupt tonight’s scheduled Five-Minute Celebrity Apprentice to bring you a special announcement from the President of the United States concerning Osama bin Laden:

Five-Minute Celebrity Apprentice: “Bitter Suites” April 25, 2011

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NeNe Leakes: Nobody likes me; therefore, I will sulk while texting and websurfing on my iPhone.
Meat Loaf: I’m so glad that Gary Busey is gone. Now I shall stand uncontested as the craziest celebrity on this show!
NeNe Leakes: Oh, yeah? Wait till next week.
Hope Whatsit: I bowl and care for children. I’m special!

The Task
Donald Trump: Before we get to this week’s task, I should remind you all to suck up to me, because I am possibly maybe considering a run for President.
Everybody: …
Donald Trump: Well? Don’t you think I’d make a good President? Don’t you?
Everybody: Um, yeah. Sure.
Donald Trump: Excellent. Now here’s your task—oh, wait. I forgot something. We’re standing in Trump Soho, the tallest building in the world! And by “world,” I mean “Soho.” And I want you to give me free advertising for my awesome hotels! Choose your leaders!
The Men: We don’t really give a shit about this, so John Rich, you can handle this one.
Star Jones: I know EVERYTHING about luxury. You will let me do this.
The Women: Um, we’re not really sure about this—
Star Jones: I said I know EVERYTHING!
The Women: Aw, hell. Okay then.
Trump Hotel Guy: Give us something new. But not too new.
Audience: Aw, hell. Vague directions again?
Trump Hotel Guy: How else can we set the women up? Oh, yeah, I know. I’ll basically give the guys their slogan and not bother to repeat this to the women.
Star Jones: Our slogan will be “Individual elegance, collective luxury!” It is great, isn’t it ladies?
The Women: …it kinda sucks, but we don’t have the stones to tell you.
Latoya Jackson: I think it kinda sucks. Corny, to be precise.
Star Jones: You do? Well, you and NeNe go off and do errands in the bowels of Manhattan!
Latoya Jackson: That’s a punishment?
Star Jones: Be back in an hour or I’ll take you to the Boardroom!
Latoya Jackson: Brilliant strategy, imp.
Star Jones: I sense hatred between Latoya and NeNe. Hug it out, bitches!
Marlee Matlin’s Interpreter: What the hell is wrong with these wenches?
NeNe Leakes: I like you now, Latoya Jackson.
Latoya Jackson: Great. Now I’m really in trouble.
Eric Trump: Hey guys, what are you doing?
John Rich: ACK! They let your gorgon-looking ass out of the dungeon? Where’s Ivanka?
Eric Trump: Shut up and tell me what you’re doing.
John Rich: Since the beginning of time…
Eric Trump: Aw, hell. Why didn’t I get to check in on the women?
Don Trump, Jr.: Because I am awesome and not ugly. Hey, ladies! What’s happening?
Star Jones: We’re going to put Hope Whatsit in a tub.
Don Trump, Jr.: Is she naked?
Star Jones: Close your mouth and wipe the drool off your chin. She’ll be wearing a towel.
Don Trump, Jr.: Well, now you done fucked up.
Star Jones: NeNe, are you finished with your shot that I only gave you five minutes to finish?
NeNe Leakes: Let me give y’all a taste of next week. Bitch, what you talking about, we’ve got five minutes?!?
Meat Loaf: Emotionless butler? You’re a SUPASTAR! You’re a sexy kitten! Work it! Work it! WORK! IT!
Emotionless Butler: Dude, I’m just advertising butler services, not a sleazy nightclub. That’s what the women are doing.

The Presentation
John Rich: We’re men! Awesome men, just like Teddy Roosevelt and the Rough Riders!
Lil Jon: What the hell made you come up with that obscure historical reference?
Meat Loaf: Hey, Trump Hotel Executives, have you ever wondered what it’s like to be Donald Trump?
Trump Hotel Executives: Well, we’re rich too and unlike Trump, we have our own hair, so no.
Star Jones: I will now have the women on my team spout random words.
NeNe: Overpriced
Latoya: Underpaid
Marlee: Inaccessible
Hope: Bathtub
(thirty minutes of random-ass word spouting ensues)
Star Jones: Trump Hotels are the very similitude of luxury, the perspicacity of opulence, and the facsimile of grandeur. I hope you enjoyed our presentation and our gaudy print ads.
Trump Hotel Executives: Jesus, woman, that didn’t make any sense. And your ads look like shit.

Star Jones: Mr. Trump, after this experience of providing you with free advertising for hotels no one could afford to patronize, I now want to live in one of them. Please? Pretty please?
Donald Trump: No. NeNe, what do you think about your team? Anyone you’d like to napalm?
NeNe Leakes: I will not be drawn into another—oh, hell. Fine. All these women kissed Star’s ass.
Marlee Matlin’s Interpreter: Kiss my ass, NeNe!
Marlee Matlin: Why’s he speaking when I’m not?
John Rich: I think everyone did well on this task.
Donald Trump: I am surprised…that Lil Jon is capable of more than doing whatever it is he does. See, blacks? I truly am a friend to you!
Lil Jon: The fuck?
Eric Trump: The executives really didn’t—
Donald Trump: Shut up, Ugly! You should be happy I let you out of your cage, you disappointment! Anyway, the Trump Hotel Executives hated both teams. But they hated the men a little less, so women, you lose.
Star Jones: I’m bringing NeNe and Latoya back for the final boardroom.
Audience: What? What a shock! This is brand new information!
Donald Trump: I really don’t want to fire anyone, since I’m possibly maybe running for President and I don’t want people to associate me with people losing jobs. NeNe, what do you think?
NeNe Leakes: Um, Latoya’s kind of a weak player.
Star Jones: Excellent—I mean, yes. Yes, Latoya really isn’t a strong player.
Latoya Jackson: I can see where this is going…
Donald Trump: That’s because you’re “Bad.” Latoya, “Beat It”!

Five-Minute Celebrity Apprentice: “Raising the Steaks” April 19, 2011

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Latoya Jackson: I’ve always been involved in charity! If by “always” you mean, “twenty minutes ago.”

The Task
Donald Trump: We’re at Trump Tower Grill! We cook shit and people buy it! It’s awesome! Here are these old farts from Omaha Steaks to tell you your task.
Omaha Old Farts: Our company makes a lot of steaks. Steaks are excellent for you. And we make steaks. Which are very, very good for you. Here’s the thing; we’re cheap-ass motherfuckers and we want you to give us some free advertising.
Donald Trump: Choose your leaders!
The Women: Hope Whatsit! You haven’t had much screentime!
Hope Whatsit: But I don’t eat red meat!
The Men: Oh, hell. Gary. Maybe this’ll be our chance to get rid of your crazy ass.
Gary Busey: I have an internal wealth of knowledge. I can also imitate a cat. Watch me cough up a hairball!
Omaha Old Farts: Guys, our products are awesome, but we’re too cheap to do any real advertising.
Gary Busey: Do you have any cows in suspended animation?
Omaha Old Farts: Let’s go talk to the women.
Star Jones: Do you have any thing that won’t require an angioplasty after eating it?
Omaha Old Farts: We have vegetables like bacon, Porterhouse steaks, rib-eyes…
Star Jones: Um, do y’all even know what a vegetable is?
Gary Busey: Hey, Omaha Steaks customer service rep. Have you ever flown a kite? With your dad? On Father’s Day? And can you tell me how to cook a flank steak?
Omaha Customer Service Rep: What the damn?
NeNe Leakes: I really think we should cook a hamburger.
Latoya Jackson: This is all a plot to destroy me, because I don’t know how to cook.
NeNe Leakes: You don’t know how to cook? What woman in America doesn’t know how to cook?
Audience: Sandra Lee. Have you seen her Kwanzaa cake?
Star Jones: Look! I did the menus and designed the aprons! All while eating take-out!
NeNe Leakes: Isn’t that what you do every week?

Hark! Ivanka approacheth!
Ivanka Trump: Meat Loaf! Tell me, are you a good cook? Answer now!
Meat Loaf: Gary’s crazy!
Ivanka Trump: Do you think that I care about your sob story? Busey! Attend me!
Gary Busey: Sunshine transoms platypuses!
Ivanka Trump: I cannot wait to disembowel you.

Don Jr. approaches. No one really cares.
Don Trump, Jr.: So, what are you women doing?
Star Jones: I’m a graphic designuh!
Don Trump, Jr.: You do realize that Tracey Jordan was making fun of you, right?
Marlee Matlin’s Interpreter: As is the rest of America…
Don Trump, Jr.: Right. Star, people are getting sick of seeing you sitting at a Mac and scarfing down take-out.
John Rich: Gary Busey called me “boy”! I am pissed! So very pissed! It’s almost like a racial epithet or something!
Skippy: Wait till you get to the Boardroom…
Latoya Jackson: Maybe if I set this burger on fire, it’ll kill NeNe.
NeNe Leakes: Bitch tried to pull a Michael Jackson on me!
Audience: She tried a what?
Gary Busey: I’m sorry for calling you a “boy,” John Rich.
John Rich: Fuck you, you cock-eyed bastard!
Gary Busey: Well, I don’t think that was called for at all.

The Presentation
Hope Whatsit: I have to prove that I am a leader and am not just a pair of walking boobs.
Latoya Jackson: I have to prove that I am not the developmentally delayed simpleton that I come off as.
Hope Whatsit: Then you’ll have TO TALK LOUDER, YOU SIMPLETON!
Star Jones: We have meat here that won’t kill you. That’s the good news. The bad news is, it’s no bigger than a quarter.
Omaha Old Farts: We wish they’d said “Omaha Steaks” more. If we’re going to get free advertising for Omaha Steaks, then these poor saps should say Omaha Steaks as often as possible, or else we’ll get mad.
Audience: You fuckers are getting free fucking advertising for your shitty steaks!
Omaha Old Farts: Don’t you mean “your shitty Omaha steaks”?
Gary Busey: I’m a subtle leader. Wait—that was too coherent. I am the wind that fallows your peregrine! Eat this steak and your entrails will be clean and your father will fly kites!
Omaha Steak Audience: …what?
Meat Loaf: Never mind that, let’s raffle off these steak dinners!
Omaha Steak Audience: Well, okay then.

The Boardroom!
John Rich: This was a catastrophic collapse of time management.
Donald Trump: Those are a lot of words. How do you know so many words?
Ivanka Trump: These fools don’t know words! Look at this “menu”! There are typos! TYPOS! Useless, troglodytic carriers of syphilis! By the way, how was Gary as a leader?
Gary Busey: You see, there was this kite. This kite was a friend. A true friend. A friend to the end. It then disemboweled a cow and made steaks of the cow. The cow was also a friend—
Ivanka Trump: Silence, crazy man. Ivanka neither knows nor cares about this “kite” of which you speak.
Lil Jon: This fool wanted me to put paper in a damn box!
Donald Trump: Don’t care. So, Hope, you’re hot.
Star Jones: She’s young enough to be my daughter!
Donald Trump: She’s young enough to be my next wife!
Hope Whatsit: Oh, dear God. Just tell us if we won or not.
Donald Trump: Not yet. Latoya, do you like any of these women?
Latoya Jackson: I like everybody. I like Marlee, Star, and Hope. They’re really nice people.
Donald Trump: I notice that you didn’t mention NeNe.
Latoya Jackson: Oh, that’s ‘cause I hate that—
Hope Whatsit: My charity is for children! Sick children!
Donald Trump: I am really surprised that you can think, Hope. I am also surprised that the Omaha Old Farts really liked your work. You won.
The Men: We’re not awesome?
Meat Loaf: Seriously? Did you idiots not see that fucking freakshow we put on?
John Rich: Gary called me a boy! Fire him!
Gary Busey: I called you a “ca-boy.”
John Rich: You calling me a homosexual?
Ivanka Trump: I noticed that everyone took every opportunity to stay far away from you, Gary. Now that I look at you, I understand why. Father, I cannot stand the sight of this creature.
Donald Trump: I could defend you, Gary, but I think Ivanka would kill this Tribble on top of my head if I did. You’re fired!

Five-Minute Celebrity Apprentice: “The Art of the Deal” April 4, 2011

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The Men: We keep winning! We’re invincible! We’ve never watched this show before!
NeNe Leakes: Dionne is mean! **sobs**
Star Jones: Uhm, Dionne got fired.
Donald Trump: Get your asses back in here! What the fuck was all that arguing about?
NeNe Leakes: Dionne was old. And bossy.
Donald Trump: Who gives a shit? Your next task starts now!
Marlee Matlin’s Interpreter: Damn, is this Top Chef?
Donald Trump: Shut up, you. Anyway, you are to create great works of art that would rival the Mona Lisa, sell those works of art, paint some fugly ball caps and raise money by selling those works of art. Oh, and some no-name actor/artiste will judge the caps.
Audience: What. Why am I not watching “Desperate Housewives?”
Donald Trump: Because I’m awesome! Choose your leaders!
LaToya Jackson: I want to lead—
Marlee Matlin: Fuck, no, you crazy bitch. I’m leading.
Marlee Matlin’s Interpreter: She told you! **SNAP**
John Rich: I’ll lead the men.
Donald Trump: Really? I didn’t think you country bumpkins could do much besides impregnate your sisters.
John Rich: What—seriously? Fine, you bitches want country, I’ll give you country. I’m gonna fly in half of Nashville.

The Task
Marlee Matlin: You heffas better get it together—especially you Latoya!
Latoya Jackson: Why me? Don’t you know who my dead brother is? I’ve even got his shirt, which I’ll donate to our good cause!
Marlee Matlin: You made me tear up, because I love “Thriller” so much. You may stay.
Marlee Matlin’s Interpreter: Bitch, please.
Jose Canseco: My dad is really sick. I am leaving.
Audience: That’s really sad.
Commercials: BUY SHIT!
The Men: Jose’s leaving is sad.
John Rich: Let’s dedicate one of those shitty hats to Jose’s dad.
Richard Hatch: God, you suck.
Meat Loaf: I hate Gary Busey, I hate Gary Busey, I hate Gary Busey…
Mark McGrath: Dude, let’s get you away from Gary Busey.
Gary Busey: Dude, you sound crazier than me. That’s a feat.
John Rich: We found your art shit.
NeNe Leakes: Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s set up the impending confrontation between me and Star. I can’t stand Star. I will repeat this throughout the episode.
Lil Jon: I make art! YEAAAH!! Oh, and Richard’s hat is gay, because he’s gay.
Don Jr.: You women seem discouraged.
The Women: Um, because your dad’s a misogynistic dickface?
Don Jr.: Probably. But cheer up; things are always the darkest before the dawn.
George Ross: Guys, maybe you should tone down the arrogance.
The Men: NEVER! We’re invincible! There’s no way we could lose!
George Ross: These guys have never seen this show, have they?
The Men: We’re so awesome, we’ve finished early and have about fifty bajillion people waiting to buy our awesome art! Let’s make fun of the ladies, who are running late and haven’t set up their gallery! There’s no way this could bite us in the ass!
NeNe Leakes: Jill Zarin from Real Housewives of NYC is my really good friend.
Jill Zarin: I am? We are? Who the fuck are you? I’m just trying to extend my fifteen minutes of fame.
NeNe Leakes: We’re like two peas in a pod! Oh, and I can’t stand Star.
Richard Hatch: No one is buying my sad ass art.
Federico Castelluccio, Art Guy: That’s because it is—how do you put it?—AWFUL.

The Boardroom
John Rich: We won. Absolutely and completely. We are awesome. Men are awesome.
Donald Trump: Even when Meat Loaf goes apeshit crazy on Gary Busey?
Meat Loaf: I apologized. I was inappropriate, so we should move on.
Donald Trump: But I don’t want to. How did the country bumpkin handle it?
The Men: John Rich did well, despite being a country bumpkin who flew in all these inbred motherfuckers from Nowheresville, No Where.
Donald Trump: Super. Women, how did you do? Anybody get into catfight?
Marlee Matlin: No. We were awesome as well.
Star Jones: Really—Marlee was an excellent Project Manager and we all contributed to the task.
Donald Trump: That runs counter to the misogynistic narrative I have constructed. Latoya, care to reaffirm my narrow view of women?
Latoya Jackson: I think thoughts! And I gave a shirt from my dead brother Michael Jackson and painted a hat with glitter!
Donald Trump: Michael and I were besties. The Art Guy liked that hat. You win money for your charity.
The Men: Who gives a shit? We’re still awesome!
Donald Trump: Actually, not this time. The women raised damn near a million bucks. And because the women are awesome, I want them to help decide whom to fire. Oh, and by the way, did you read my book “The Art of the Deal”? It’s awesome.
Richard Hatch: Oh, shit.
The Men: Fire Richard
Hope Whatsit: Um, yeah. Like, totally fire Richard.
Audience: Playboy Playmates actually talk?
Marlee Matlin’s Interpreter: There can be only one bitchy queen on this show and my bitchy facial expressions trump Richard Hatch’s any day of the week and twice on Sunday!
Marlee Matlin: I didn’t say all that…
Richard Hatch: I really will work very, very hard on the next task, Mr. Tru—
Donald Trump: Save it. The Playmate has spoken. You’re fired!

Five-Minute Celebrity Apprentice: “Off The Hook” March 28, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Celebrity Apprentice.
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The Task:
Donald Trump: Here are two douchebags from CAN to tell you what to do.
CAN Douchebags: Shouldn’t that be “ACN”?
Donald Trump: Yeah, but Skippy’s spellchecker automatically changes it to CAN, so deal with it.
CAN Douchebags: Your task is to create a 30-second commercial for our videophone.
Audience: Videophone? Seriously? Have you heard of this little thing called an iPhone? Skype’s pretty awesome too.
Donald Trump: Choose your leaders!
Dionne Warwick: Marlee, don’t you use the videophone?
Marlee Matlin: You suck.
The Women: NeNe! Only you can handle Dionne!
The Men: Lil Jon! We’re awesome!
Lil Jon: YEEEAAH!!! And I’d like for you all to know that I absolutely have the perspicacity and tenacity to successfully complete this task. Thank you.
Dionne Warwick: I have an idea! Let’s have me in the commercial!
Lil Jon: We have to think outside the box!
CAN Douchebags: Yeah, but the commercial’s supposed to have heart. Pull at the heartstrings. Remember that, because we won’t bother to.
Jose Canseco: Can we have aliens? I really like aliens.
Lil Jon: We’ll make you gay. That alien enough for you?
Jose Canseco: Uhm, that wasn’t exactly what I had in mind…
NeNe Leakes: Okay, so the CAN douchebags have told us that we have to emphasize heart. They’ve said it about a dozen times, which means this is really what they want.
Marlee Matlin: Let’s have a kid video chatting with her deaf mother!
Dionne Warwick: I love what’s happening here!
Marlee Matlin: Is this furniture for the video shoot supposed to go here or there?
Dionne Warwick: Do you know the way to San Jose, hussy?
NeNe Leakes: Well, that didn’t last long.
Jose Canseco: Playing a gay is such a sacrifice. I deserve an Oscar or ‘roids. I’d prefer the ‘roids.
John Rich: Should we be doing this? Didn’t the CAN douchebags say to emphasize an emotional connection?
Lil Jon: We are! We’re emphasizing fear. YEAAH!
John Rich: Oh, dear.
Lil Jon: Put eyeliner on “Pablo!” It’s what The Gays wear! YEAAH!!
John Rich: We are so screwed.
Marlee Matlin: We’re awesome.
Don Trump: No, you’re not. Where’s Dionne?
Latoya Jackson: I think she told us to go fuck ourselves and then she left.
Ivanka Trump: So, guys, what are you doing?
Ivanka Trump: Good strategy.

The Presentation
Star Jones: CAN is the world’s largest direct-selling telecommunications provider…
Audience: What the fuck does that mean?
Star Jones: …and here’s our commercial!
Doofus Dad: This is the only acting job I’ll ever get!
Marlee Matlin: We love you honey.
Daughter: I love you too.
Dionne Warwick: I will cut you, you hussy!
Jose Canseco: If we piss someone off—like, say, the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation or the HRC, we’ll have made Apprentice history!
John Rich: Dude, I don’t think that’s a good thing.
Lil Jon: YEAAAH! WE’RE EDGY! Here’s our commercial.
Gay Tommy: Hey grandparents! I’m super excited to come out to you via a shitty telecommunications device!
Gary Busey: Where am I again?
Jose/Pablo: Hola. I am The Gay making sweet buttsex with your grandson.
Grandma: That image is not nearly as disturbing as sitting next to Gary Busey is.

The Boardroom
Donald Trump: 450 leaders of CAN Telecommunications Widgets were super excited to see your excellent commercials. Remember that. 450 people. All of whom were supposed to vote on which team won. Lil Jon, you have stage presence.
Lil Jon: We were awesome! YEAAAH!!! Additionally, the typical gendered and sexed narrative that this commercial sought to overturn merely reified the heteronormativity that is pervasive in American society.
Donald Trump: God, shut up. Yes, Richard the Gay?
Richard Hatch: Something tells me we won. I sense something. A presence I haven’t felt since…
Donald Trump: Ok, while Richard’s off with the Force, let’s talk about the risqué nature of your commercial.
Ivanka Trump: Ew! Two men! Doing it up the butt! EWWWW!
Donald Trump: My sentiments exactly.
Jose Canseco: Don’t show this to my dad!
Donald Trump: Everyone will see this. IT’S VIRAL!! NeNe, why are you crying?
NeNe Leakes: Because I know why you’re taking an hour to verbally fellate the men. They won, didn’t they?
Donald Trump: Aw, NeNe, you had a good commercial too. Yes, you did. It was really nice. Everyone loved it. I loved it. My hair loved it.
NeNe Leakes: So did we win?
Donald Trump: No.
Star Jones: Hell, was it even close?
Donald Trump: Yep. 53-47.
Star Jones: Well as long as it was—hey, what? 53-47? Where the hell were the other 350 votes?
Dionne Warwick: You mean the men win for doing the exact opposite of what the CAN douchebags wanted?
Latoya Jackson: Everyone is trying to control me!
NeNe Leakes: That’s ‘cause you’re a dumbfuck bobblehead who can’t keep time!
Marlee Matlin: What she said.
Donald Trump: Who do y’all want me to fire?
Everyone: Dionne. No. Seriously. DIONNE.
Dionne Warwick: Go ahead. Fire me. I dare you. I double-dog dare you, you hussy.
Donald Trump: Done. Dionne, you’re fired!
Dionne Warwick: NeNe, you coward, I will find you and I will haunt your dreams, your family, your life. You will never, ever have a moment’s rest or peace. Until you do right by me, everything you think about is gonna fail!
Donald Trump: Didn’t I just fire her? Why can I still hear her talking?

Five-Minute Celebrity Apprentice: “Unhappy Campers” March 21, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Celebrity Apprentice.

The Task
Donald Trump: This is Trump Soho! It’s awesome! Everything I do is awesome!
Audience: Who gives a shit?
Donald Trump: Your task is to trick out an RV and annoy New Yorkers. Choose your leaders!
The Men: Gary Busey! You’re crazy!
Gary Busey: To infinity and beyond!
The Women: Nikki Taylor! You’re kinda sweet.
Nikki Taylor: Aw, you guys. I promise to have no vision whatsoever.
Marcus the Camping World Dude: Whatever you teams do, you MUST WHORE OUT THE NAME CAMPING WORLD. Seriously. CAMPING. WORLD.
Gary Busey: Starfarts unicorn the rainbows!
Nikki Taylor: Um, our vision is “21st century camping.” I will immediately forget my own vision and constantly repeat “20th century camping.”
John Rich: Hey, guys, here’s this country-ish ditty I just threw together for our task.
Jose Canseco: I hate it. And I hate every idea you will ever have.
Richard Hatch: It sucks.
Meat Loaf: Guys…
Richard Hatch: Let me finish. Not only does the song suck, but so does everyone who listens to country music!
John Rich: I will put my country foot up your fucking asses.
Mark McGrath: Gary, can I get money for plants?
Richard Hatch: Gary, can I get money for shrubs?
Gary Busey: RRAAARH!!
Nikki Taylor: Ok, so we’re at Camping World and we can buy stuff to decorate the RVs. Let’s just buy everything.
Star Jones: Shouldn’t we have a vision?
Nikki Taylor: Isn’t “20th Century camping” enough of a vision?
Star Jones: It’s the 21st century, dear.
Nikki Taylor: Everyone’s a critic.
Star Jones: I’m a lawyer!
Nikki Taylor: Whatever. Hope and I are going to go eat our first meals ever and hang out with a “graphic artist.” Dionne, could you make yourself useful and go with Latoya to both Home Depot and Bed Bath and Beyond just before they close?
Dionne Warwick: I’ll go when I’m damned good and ready.
Gary Busey: There will be cake and ice cream!! RAAAARH!

The Event
Blair Underwood: I am ponderously pondering ponderous events…
Audience: Shut up.
Nikki Taylor: Ok, so this is a 20th century camping experience…here you have running water, electricity…
Annoyed New Yorkers: Uh, ain’t this the 21st century?
Nikki Taylor: …
Dionne Warwick: Why the hell is that bitch Hope doing what I am supposed to be doing?
Nikki Taylor: I really don’t want drama, Dionne—
Dionne Warwick: I got your number, hussy.
Marcus the Camping World Dude: Where the fuck is CAMPING WORLD, ladies? CAMPING WORLD! CAMPING! WORLD! Oh, fuck it. I’m gonna see how the guys are doing.
John Rich: Twangy country twangy tear in my beer CAMPING WORLD!
Marcus the Camping World Dude: Ten points for Gryffindor! But what’s behind this CAMPING WORLD banner?
Meat Loaf: Um, more points for Gryffindor?
Marcus the Camping World Dude: A fucking TV, you morons! Ten points from Gryffindor!

The Boardroom
Donald Trump: Latoya, I heard that you were able to recite facts!
Latoya Jackson: I’m so awesome!
Nikki Taylor: Yes, everyone was awesome! Marlee did a great job on the bedroom!
Marlee Matlin: Is there anything you won’t turn into a double-entendre?
Donald Trump: Here’s one: Marcus the RV Dude hated what you did. The women lost.
The Men: Woo hoo!!
Gary Busey: The men are allied against me. It’s an alliance to rebel. You might even call it a Rebel Alliance. And Lil Jon is their General Ackbar.
Lil Jon: YEAAH–wait. What? Fucker, are you crazy?
Nikki Taylor: You guys, I’m far too sweet and famished to get into a debate about who should go home—
Donald Trump: That’s very sweet. You’re fired!