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Oh, Frabulous Joy! January 11, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Technology.
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Fig. 1: HOSANNA!

Children, as I sit in my house, snowbound for a second day, I am fairly bursting with joy at the announcement that, at long last, Verizon will get the iPhone. Rumors of such a blessed event have been going around for quite a while now, but both Verizon and Apple had been very tight-lipped. And then, Verizon got the iPad, which all but sealed the deal. It wasn’t a question of if Verizon would get the iPhone, but when. And the when is February, 2011. Of course, that doesn’t mean things are perfect.

Pro: The Verizon iPhone 4 can act as a Wi-Fi hotspot. Awesome!
Con: You can’t surf the web and talk at the same time. WTF? That almost defeats the purpose of even getting an iPhone.

Also, this is the iPhone 4. And scuttlebutt is that Apple will likely release the iPhone 5 this coming summer, so if you jump ship and get an iPhone 4, you’ll be locked into a two-year contract with a soon-to-be obsolete phone. Plus, there’s that whole you can’t surf the web and talk at the same time.

Seriously. WTF?

Anyway, I’m delighted that Verizon has gotten the iPhone. I hope that this leads to a mass exodus from AT&T (aka: The Devil), because I hate AT&T. Here’s why:

Way back in 1999, I got my first cell phone with Cingular during my first year in graduate school at Vanderbilt. It was a basic plan, nothing fancy. The phone was a brick that could kill if hurled accurately. A few years later, a friend of mine who worked at Cingular helped get me a less brick-ish phone. Cingular was, at the time, a reliable phone company, and my phone plan was reasonable—450 anytime minutes with rollover. And I always had rollover minutes. Then, AT&T bought Cingular, which didn’t really bother me, since I was able to keep my plan. In the meantime, I moved. First, I moved to Knoxville, and then Western Massachusetts. No problems with the phone or service. By this point, I’m no longer on a two-year contract. AT&T tried to get me to sign to a new two-year contract, but I would always tear up the stupid little deceptive ad they’d send and go on my merry, contract-less way.

Then, I moved to Central Michigan. All was well, until I got a cryptic voice mail from AT&T about terminating my service.

Fig. 2: This is an accurate approximation of my mental state at the time.

Befuddled and confused, I called AT&T to inquire. Surely, this had to be a mistake, I thought. I paid my bill on time every time—hell, it was an automatic debit! Why would they terminate my service? As I inquired, the customer “service” rep told me that, because I had moved to an area that did not have AT&T cell towers, I was “in violation” of their terms of service. Really? Now, I realize that the coverage map now probably doesn’t reflect what the cell coverage was in 2007, but the map now shows that AT&T covers Michigan and I’m pretty sure that the map said the same damn thing in ’07. I asked the idiot how I was in violation of their terms of service. The idiot told me that since AT&T didn’t have towers in the area, the calls I made were being carried by other carriers, which was costing AT&T money, even though I was paying AT&T approximately $60 a month for the (apparently, non-existent) service. And how the fuck was that my problem? You claim that you have coverage in this area, but yet, you don’t. Sounds like a problem that isn’t mine, AT&T. Anyway, I asked if there was anything I could do to keep from getting my phone turned off. The fucking idiot said, “No.” I told that idiot, “Well, I’m switching to Verizon and you’ll never have to worry about me as a customer ever again.” I promptly drove over to Midland, and signed up for Verizon and never looked back.

Since that day, I have devoted my life to telling every and anyone who will listen that AT&T fucking sucks. Among other vile, bloodsucking corporations, AT&T is one of the worst. The day AT&T collapses in on itself, I shall laugh with unabashed glee. I hope that Verizon getting the iPhone is the beginning of that implosion.

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I Have One Thing To Say… September 2, 2010

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I. WANT. THIS. NOW.

Verizon iPhone? Make It So! August 9, 2010

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Verizon Wireless is known for its reliable service…and its shitty phones. My lords, do they have shitty phones.

Fig. 1: The Worst Phone in the World. I Haz It.

The one thing they have in their favor is that they’re NOT AT&T. I hate AT&T as much as I hate Eva Longoria, brussels sprouts, and Tyler Perry movies. So anything that hurts AT&T makes Skippy a happy boy. When the iPhone came out, I was so very tempted to go back to AT&T, or, as I simply call them, The Devil. So seduced was I by that sleek finish, the pretty, pretty screen, and the touchscreen technology that actually works, I almost consigned myself to two years and thousands of dollars spent with The Devil. I however pulled myself back from that abyss and stayed with Verizon and the Worst Phone in the World. Seriously. Try texting with the Krave ZN4 without experiencing flashes of homicidal rage. If you can, you could be the next Dalai Lama.

Anyway, I’ve been hearing rumors for nigh unto two years that Verizon would be getting the iPhone. See, they could have had the iPhone, but for their network being CDMA instead of the GSM network used by The Devil. According to a report on Huffington Post, Verizon could be getting the iPhone 4 as early as January.

Frankly, the iPhone is the one thing that would turn me from relatively normal human being into this:

Fig. 2: I bet that the iPhone can do a lot more than that Ring could.

Trouble with iPads? Say It Ain’t So, Joe! April 7, 2010

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Fig. 1 I don’t know who these people are, but I already don’t like them.

How has the iPad fared in the wild?

Just a few days after the Apple iPad’s debut, there’s already “trouble in paradise.”

iPad users have filled Apple forums with complaints regarding everything from Wifi woes to charging headaches and crashing apps. We’ve taken a look at the biggest problems with the iPad users have reported thus far.

viaHuffPo

Gee, you’d think that there wouldn’t be any problems whatsoever with a new bit of technology that’s just been released, now would you? You know, when you buy the first generation of any “magical and revolutionary” technology, it should work without any problems at all, right? There should be absolutely no kinks to work out, no bugs, and certainly no unexpected problems syncing to your bazillion other devices. No, you should be able to show off your new unnecessary toy to the jealousy of all around you and no one–NO ONE–will ask you, “Dude, why didn’t you just wait till they perfected the technology and lowered the price and gave the iPad more functionality?”

Awesomeness April 6, 2010

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iDon’t get the iPad April 5, 2010

Posted by Skippy in Popular Culture, Technology.
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Fig. 1 You want this, don’t you? DON’T YOU??

First off, I love Apple products. I have an iPod Nano, an iPod Touch, and an iMac. The first chance I get, I’m ditching this frakkin’ Dell laptop for a Mac laptop. I’d have an iPhone, but I hate AT&T with a fiery passion.


Fig. 2 This accurately sums up my opinion of AT&T

Now, while I love Apple products, I am not an “early adopter”–in other words, I am not going to stand in line for hours on end and shell out hundreds of bucks for a glorified iPod that doesn’t support Flash, doesn’t have the capacity to multitask, and has no applications for graphic artists. PLUS, it’s the first generation of this “revolutionary” product–you know that in the next few weeks, people will complain about the iPad overheating, crashing, blowing up, stalking them, and slaying their small pets. Remember the first gen-iPhone? Remember all the people complaining about the problems with the iPhone? Oh, and remember when Apple made the stunning move to come out with another version of the bloody thing that was cheaper and better than the previous version?


Fig. 3 This is an early adopter. He waited in line starting last Wednesday. He is an idiot.

Besides, what the hell does this thing do, anyway? As far as I can tell from Apple’s own website…it does everything your laptop or netbook already does. But what’s got publishers wetting their pants is the perceived “game changing” ability to deliver magazines and comics. Marvel Comics (now owned by freakin’ Disney!) has an app. Yippee. I hate Marvel Comics. Besides, the joy of reading comic books is getting the thing in your hand and turning the pages–not getting carpal tunnel trying to flick through a stupid screen.

Fig. 4 In my day, we read comics on paper, and got paper cuts…and WE LIKED IT!

And really, iPad? That was the best name you could come up with for this “magical and revolutionary”(their words, definitely not mine) new product? It’s a big-ass iPod, fercryinoutloud! Anyway, you couldn’t have called this thing the iSlate? Or just the Apple Tablet? We’ve all heard the eleventy billion jokes surrounding the unfortunate naming of this $500 waste. Oh, and if you’re going to spend $500 on something, wouldn’t it be nice to not be tethered to AT&T’s 3G network? And for $500 you can get a pretty sweet netbook that does more than the iPad.

So, yeah. I don’t get the hype surrounding the iPad.