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It Must Be Tough Being Sarah Palin December 21, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Observations, Politics.
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One must really feel for poor Sarah Palin. First, her reality show on TLC tanks–I mean, it’s TLC. They show reality shows about poop drying. Then her poor daughter Bristol doesn’t win “Dancing with the Stars,” a loss which is most likely attributable to the fact that everyone in Not Real America has a massive grudge against Poor Sarah Palin. And then, she’s upstaged by a politician who is even dumber than she is! All Sarah wanted to do was represent Real America, and here comes this crazier-eyed Michelle Bachmann! And her husband isn’t even cute! Or straight! Allegedly! I mean, was Michelle Bachmann ever a grizzly mom quitter governor of a frontier state? No! But Michelle Bachmann did actually make a run for the presidency, instead of doing all this wink-and-nod bullshit that Palin’s been doing since 2008. Nevertheless, we shouldn’t let facts get in the way of one incontrovertible point: Sarah Palin has pretty much failed as a media personality. And when that happens, when an ascendant political celebrity sees his/her fortunes waning, they must do one thing:

Swing for the fences and go even crazier. And with the help of—who else?—Fox News, Palin does just that.

This is what she has to say…about President Obama’s Christmas card:

Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin told Fox News & Commentary that she found the card to be a bit unusual.
“It’s odd,” she said, wondering why the president’s Christmas card highlights his dog instead of traditions like “family, faith and freedom.”
“Even stranger than that was his first year in office when the Christmas ornaments included Chairman Mao,” Palin said. “People had to ask that it be removed because it was offensive.”

Oh, honey. It’s a fucking Christmas card, not the Declaration of Independence. What is the card supposed to have? An armed-to-the-teeth Obama parachuting into Afghanistan wearing a Santa suit and busting caps in Osama Bin Laden’s ass while screaming, “Merry Christmas, Unbeliever”?

See, this is what happens when irrelevant people begin to openly slide into irrelevance. Grasping at any chance to find themselves on the front page, they will say or do anything—ANYTHING—just for a taste of that sweet, sweet fame they once enjoyed, until finally, they say something so outrageous and utterly stupid, that even Charlie Sheen is all, “Dude, WTF?”

Oh, and here’s the allegedly offensive Christmas card:


Fig. 1: What, you don’t see the Muslims in the background dancing on the burned bits of the Constitution and the U.S. Flag while Obama is smiling and smoking a doobie?

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Rick Perry: Wrong December 8, 2011

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As his campaign for the GOP presidential nomination continues its spiral into irrelevancy, Texas governor and Ronald Reagan-wannabe Rick Perry decided to release a campaign ad that seems more like something the Onion would create as a parody:

Fig. 1: WHAAAAT?!?

Just in case your brain went all explodey from the stupid and you missed the arglebargle spewing forth from his fool mouth, here’s a helpful transcript:

“I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m a Christian, but you don’t need to be in the pew every Sunday to know there’s something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military but our kids can’t openly celebrate Christmas or pray in school. As President, I’ll end Obama’s war on religion. And I’ll fight against liberal attacks on our religious heritage. Faith made America strong. It can make her strong again.”

Again: WHAAAT?!?

Okay, let’s take this apart, shall we?

“I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m a Christian…”
Unlike those other Republicans who are so ashamed to let anyone know they claim to worship the same imaginary, infanticidal, pestilential sky god!

“…but you don’t need to be in the pew every Sunday to know there’s something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military but our kids can’t openly celebrate Christmas or pray in school.”
Hey apple! Let’s compare you to orange! And while I’m at it, why don’t I imply something’s wrong with you? Ok, Rick, let’s help you understand a couple of things, since you’re, well, a fucking idiot:
* What the fuck is wrong with gays serving openly in the military? Oh, that’s right, you’re a fucking idiot.
* Kids can pray their stupid little brains out in school. They just can’t inveigle anyone else to or have the public school system endorse their particular parent-imposed delusion.
* Kids can also “openly celebrate Christmas.” But you’re a fucking idiot, so you probably missed that point.

“As President, I’ll end Obama’s war on religion.”
I’m sorry, but when did President Obama declare a war on religion? Did that happen during the Inauguration, when fat fuck Rick Warren was invited to give a prayer?

“And I’ll fight against liberal attacks on our religious heritage.”
Dude, seriously. What the fuck are you talking about? Is this a parody?

“Faith made America strong. It can make her strong again.”
I have faith that America won’t allow such a bottom-feeding dumbfuck such as yourself to be within a light-year of the presidency.

Idiot Racists Are…Well, Idiot Racists. July 5, 2011

Posted by Skippy in General Weirdness, Observations, Politics, Racism, Xenophobia.
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Fig. 1: A racist picture is worth a thousand racist words.

Ok, so you all are probably familiar with the proverb, “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.” I suppose that we must now add a corollary: “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to wear a stupid T-shirt and remove all doubt.” Apparently, the Kentucky Tea Party (read: modern form of the KKK) decided it would be tres’ cool to produce and sell—on the Fourth of July, no less—T-shirts bearing the phrases “Yup, I’m a Racist” and “Infidel: Everything I Need to Know About Islam I Learned on 9/11.”

Just when you thought clothing couldn’t get any douchebaggier than the “Affliction” Ed Hardy T-shirts, here comes the Kentucky Tea Party to take the cake and put a KKK cake-topper on it! I suppose these good folks still want to see the long-form birth certificate, love Michelle Bachmann, and think that The Homosexual Agenda actually exists. I also suppose I shouldn’t be too upset—frankly, if I see someone wearing such a T-shirt, it tells me everything I need to know about them in delightful brevity. It tells me that this person is extremely stupid, for the following reasons:

1. It tells me that this person is, in fact, a racist.
You see, if this shirt is supposed to be “ironic,” then it fails miserably. As we all know, the Tea Party gained a reputation for being racist, as the “party” formed in response to the emergence of Barack Obama as the Democratic nominee for President of the United States, and members of this party have been caught on tape spouting some pretty bigoted nonsense and tomfoolery. Leaders in the party have tried to extinguish such perceptions by occasionally letting the odd (and I do mean odd) Black person in the party speak and say, “Hey, we’re not racist.” Also, they tend to focus on economic issues, by claiming that Obama is a Socialist. Just don’t ask them what a Socialist is. They can’t tell you. Anyway, anyone who has to go out of their way to tell you they’re not something usually is that something.

2. It tells me that this person is given to allowing T-shirt slogans and bumperstickers to represent complex issues.
To me, there’s something awfully juvenile about these shirts. But then again, I think there’s something awfully juvenile about message T-shirts. If you see a man or woman over the age of thirty wearing such a shirt, question their maturity. Question it early, question it often. The same thing goes for bumperstickers. I have grown sick and tired of seeing people “sloganize” their damned cars and their torsos. Frankly, I don’t care if you eat vegan or buy local or think that Obama is a baby-raping Socialist devil from the ninth circle of Hell. I really don’t care to be stuck behind your stupid Prius or stupid Land Behemoth and looking at a damned stick stencil of your monuments to overpopulation, nor do I care to know just how much you LOVE Jesus or your wife or your Yorkshire Terrier. Complex issues in this world cannot be reduced to puerile T-shirts or bumperstickers. And if the Tea Party wants to dispel the assertions of racism, then perhaps the leaders need to get a better grip on their brand messaging. This T-shirt doesn’t help.

3. It tells me that this person is willingly ignorant.
When you see a douchebag wearing this shirt, that should tell you that this is a person who is perhaps spoiling for either attention or a fight. This is a person who is proud to be in an organization that is polarizing and ill-informed. They most likely have very black-white views of the world and their membership in this “party.” Do not engage them. Hell, don’t even look at them as you pass them by at a public event, for this kind of idiot—much like other kinds of idiots whom you might find on YouTube or the comments section of CNN.com—prides themselves on being woefully ignorant about a great many things.

Congratulations New York! June 28, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Gay and Lesbian Issues, Observations, Politics.
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Fig. 1: New York, New York, it’s a helluva town!

As is my usual, I am late to the party, children. As pretty much everybody in the Western Hemisphere knows, New York became the sixth state to legalize gay marriage (or, as I like to call it, “marriage”). Six Republicans voted for the bill, and some pundits wondered if this signals a shift in the Republican party. I’m not holding my breath, for as long as dumbnuts like Newt Gingrich exist, the GOP will likely continue to pander to the bigots and oppose equalizing marriage.


Figs. 2, 3: And then there’s these fools.

Children, I realize that Teh Ghey can bring out some crazy reactions in people. If I had a dollar for every crack-headed comment I got from some blighted, blinkered moron regarding homosexuality, I’d be rich enough to buy a 2011 Acura RL.

Fig. 4: We should start a “Get Skippy an RL” fund. For every homophobic jackass comment, I get a dollar. I’ll be driving that car in no time flat!

Anyway, in the days leading to the state senate vote, imbeciles came out of the woodwork to oppose the bill. Their hyperbole was…astoundingly stupid. First up, New York Archbishop Timothy Dolan. He took to his blog, arguing that if Teh Gheys can get married, then the United States will become a communist state! You think I’m kidding, don’t you. Well, here you go:

Last time I consulted an atlas, it is clear we are living in New York, in the United States of America – not in China or North Korea. In those countries, government presumes daily to “redefine” rights, relationships, values, and natural law. There, communiqués from the government can dictate the size of families, who lives and who dies, and what the very definition of “family” and “marriage” means.

But, please, not here! Our country’s founding principles speak of rights given by God, not invented by government, and certain noble values – life, home, family, marriage, children, faith – that are protected, not re-defined, by a state presuming omnipotence.

Please, not here! We cherish true freedom, not as the license to do whatever we want, but the liberty to do what we ought; we acknowledge that not every desire, urge, want, or chic cause is automatically a “right.” And, what about other rights, like that of a child to be raised in a family with a mom and a dad?

Wow. This guy is a bucket of FAIL. His histrionics are so absurd, I hardly know where to begin. First, he claims that China and North Korea…do something bad. He’s not really clear. He doesn’t seem to have quite a grasp on logical argumentation. Without going into his overweening reliance upon a bigoted understanding of “natural law,” his whole assumption that the United States would turn into some totalitarian communist regime with the extension of marriage rights to gays and lesbians is utterly backward. The expansion of rights is the polar opposite of totalitarianism. Apparently, totalitarianism means something completely different in Dolan’s lexicon. Also, “rights” must mean something different in Dolan’s world. Then again, I’m fairly loath to take any advice regarding marriage or sex from a guy who thinks his deity says he can have neither.

Next up, we have David Tyree. He’s a retired NFL player who thought it in his purview to offer an opinion about gays getting married. He recorded a video for the National Organization for Marriage in which he outlines just how Teh Gheys getting gay married will destroy the fabric of our space-time continuum:

Fig. 5: Anarchy as defined by a moron.

Ok, really? This is the best that NOM could do in order to counter pro athletes who were coming out in support of the marriage equality act? Tyree seems to think that the extension of marriage rights to gays and lesbians leads to…something bad:

It’s about what’s right. It’s about how can marriage be marriage for thousands of years and now all of the sudden, because a minority, an influential minority, has a push or an agenda and totally reshapes something that was not founded in our country, not founded by man, it is something that is holy and sacred. I think there is nothing more honorable, worth fighting for, especially if we really care about our future generations.
What I know will happen if this does come forth is this will be the beginning of our country sliding toward, it is a strong word, but anarchy. The moment we have, if you trace back even to other cultures, other countries, that will be the moment where our society in itself loses its grip with what’s right. Marriage is one of those things that is the backbone of society. So if you redefine it, it changes the way we educate our children, it changes the perception of what is good, what is right, what is just.

Wow. What? Gays getting married will mean society will all of a sudden lose a grip on what’s right? Really? The thing about these bigots is that no amount of logical argumentation will work with them, for they will always invoke “nature” and “God.” Someone like David Tyree is incapable of presenting a argument against two men or women getting married that doesn’t rise above “Ew, icky!” However, he tries his best when he makes some sort of appeal to history. The only problem is this: his understanding of the history of marriage is woefully inadequate and ignores previous moments in which other familial arrangements were considered a “threat” to society. What does he think about single parents? Divorce? Blacks and whites getting married? Damn them for creating anarchy!

Oh, and David? Protip: Marriage hasn’t been the same for “thousands and thousands” of years. So, you might want to think about that the next time you’re pimped out by an organization of bigots.

How Many Gays Must God Create Before We Accept That He Wants Them Around? May 5, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Gay and Lesbian Issues, Politics, Question of the Day.
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Fig. 1: At least one elected official has a brain in his skull.

Obama’s Best Week Ever May 2, 2011

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Fig. 1: Suck it, Trump.


Fig. 2: Guess who just won the 2012 Presidential election?

Fuck You, Donald Trump. April 27, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Politics, Racism, Rants.
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No. Seriously.

Fuck. You.

And fuck anybody who agrees with your stupid, racist, xenophobic, ignorant, backwards, trite and juvenile assholery.

I don’t care if the above sentiment isn’t “adult” or “scholarly” or is perceived as “offensive.” When we are dealing with an economy that is struggling, millions of Americans either unemployed or underemployed, more Americans who are suffering as a result of deadly storm systems that have ravaged a good portion of the nation, and unrest in an already volatile part of the world, we have absolutely NO time to be caught up in the shenanigans of a fake-haired, two-bit ringmaster who doesn’t give a fat flying fuck about America or its citizens. We have absolutely NO time to give a minute of attention to a famewhore who can barely keep his own companies afloat. And we certainly have no reason to be polite to this famewhore, for he’s done nothing to deserve polite treatment. He deserves every imprecation that can be heaped atop that Tribble he calls “hair.”

Let’s call this bullshit what it is: RACISM. Here you have a bastard who has run shit into the ground and his last claim to fame is a weekly extravaganza of misogyny and lunacy called “The Apprentice” saying that not only is President Barack Obama’s birth certificate not sufficient, now this arrogant bastard wants Obama’s college records?

“I’d like to know how does he get into Harvard, how does he get into Colombia if he isn’t a very good student,” Donald Trump told the press this morning in New Hampshire.

“If he wants to release it that’s fine, if he doesn’t want to release it that’s fine too. But the word is he wasn’t a very good student,” Trump added.”I’d like to know how does he get into Harvard, how does he get into Colombia if he isn’t a very good student,” Donald Trump told the press this morning in New Hampshire.

Really, Trump? What law school did you go to? And were you the president of the Harvard Law Review? You know, that position which only the best of HLS students can achieve? Oh, and let’s get to it: you’re making these assertions because you cannot believe that a black man could achieve that—as well as lecturing at the University of Chicago on Constitutional Law, so you’re going to throw out some poisonous bullshit about Obama not being a very good student. Well, gee, Trump no “not very good” student could ever achieve such as the Presidency of the United States!

Fig. 1: This guy was not a very good student. Or President.

But wait, nobody saw you wanting Bush’s college records. You didn’t complain about not having Bush’s long-form birth certificate. And you didn’t flat-out make any statements about Bush’s ability to get into good schools. And you never did anything like this about Clinton, either, so what gives? I’ll tell you what gives; you’re playing to the racist jackass lunatic fringe and whipping up all this attention because you know that racism when dressed up plays very well in this nation. You know that you don’t have a flying pig’s hope of ever becoming President—and that Obama did probably burns you up.

Methinks you need to revise your estimation of being a “friend” to us blacks. Frankly, you’re not a friend to anyone, you fetid jackass.

Conclusive Proof that Barack Obama is Not an American April 20, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Humor, Politics.
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Fig. 1: As a Kenyan Somali pirate, Obama held this white woman hostage.

News You Can Use: Donald Trump is a Friend to “The Blacks” April 15, 2011

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As he continues to mull a presidential bid, or say he is mulling a presidential bid, business mogul Donald Trump is lamenting the fact President Obama appears to have locked up the black vote.
“I have a great relationship with the blacks,” Trump told Albany’s Talk Radio 1300 Thursday. “I’ve always had a great relationship with the blacks.”

(source)

Oh, dear Spock. Donald Trump, as much as you provide me with endless amusement as you bray about how the latest Trump thing you’ve constructed is So AWESOME, you do annoy me with your inveterate sexism and, apparently, your blinding stupidity. See, I can’t even call that statement you made “racist,” as it is so clueless and so thoroughly infected with Rich White Man Syndrome, that all I can say is, “Well, bless his stupid little heart.”

Donald Trump, you’re so stuck in 1920, that you still refer to African Americans as “the blacks.” At first, I thought you were referring to a family named The Blacks and I wondered why that was even worthy of a newsbite on Crappy Non News. After all, I’m sure you know many Blacks and have a good relationship with them, so long as they’re rich. But then, reading the newsbite further, I realized you were talking about us. 40 million African Americans. You claim to have a good relationship with us—all of us—and then get all shirty about 40 million (or so) not voting for your good friend Hillary Clinton. Donald, you’re not racist; you’re just unbelievably stupid. So stupid, I’m now not sure you actually own your own company. No one that stupid can be good at business.

See, Donald, here’s why I think you’re just unbelievably stupid:
1. You say that Hillary Clinton “did so much for the black population” and “got very few votes.”
While the first premise is…questionable at best, your attempt to link the second premise to the first is, well, stupid. It’s stupid because I’d bet good money you couldn’t even tell me what it was that Hillary did for all 40 million of us that was “so much” and would warrant all of the African Americans who voted in the Democratic primaries to not support Barack Obama. It’s stupid because it assumes that “the black population” is some undifferentiated collective of individuals living in some hive mind.

Fig. 1: This is what Donald Trump thinks “the black population” is like.

2. You go on to compound your stupidity with this: “Look, I tell it like it is… you hear a political reporter go on and say, ‘It had nothing to do with race.’ But how come she got such a tiny piece of the vote. It’s a very sad thing.”
Oh, Donald. You so stoopid! Ok, let me try to explain the way elections work in our two-party system. You see, Donald, when someone wants to run for something like President, they usually have to secure the backing of their particular political party. With me so far? Good. I’d hate for you to get lost. So, there’s this thing called a “primary.” During this primary, people—of all races! How special!—go vote for their preferred candidate. The winner of these primaries receives a certain number of delegates who will vote for them at the political party’s national convention. I won’t even get into that whole superdelegate business, as it would confound your pretty, cotton candy-like head. Suffice it to say that the candidate with the most delegates wins. Simple as that. And guess what? It usually has nothing to do with race, because a lot–yes, Trump, a lot of white people voted for Obama. I know! Surprises abound!

Fig. 2: These are white people. They voted for Obama. Questions?

Oh, and you’ve thrown your lot in with the “birthers”? I don’t think that would please the Blacks.

The Dumb Is Strong With This One. March 30, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Politics, Rants, Religion.
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Fig 1: Cheated on wives because he loves America. Seriously; google it.

Newt Gingrich is probably one of the worst politicians in America—and that’s saying something. Here we have a vile pestilence who cheated on not one, but two of his three wives.* He cheated on his first wife while she was dying from cancer, and that alone qualifies him for Scumbag of the Century. Worse, he “defends” his fucking around by saying this: “There’s no question at times in my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate.”

Are you fucking kidding me? You love America, so you stick your tallywhacker wherever you like? I have three words: bitch, comma, please.

Well, it just seems that old Newt can’t keep from saying dumb shit:

Newt Gingrich warned churchgoers on Monday that an unholy (semi-holy?) combination of Islamic theocrats and secular atheists could seize control of the United States within decades.

“I have two grandchildren — Maggie is 11, Robert is 9,” Gingrich said at a church in Texas, according to Politico. “I am convinced that if we do not decisively win the struggle over the nature of America, by the time they’re my age they will be in a secular atheist country, potentially one dominated by radical Islamists and with no understanding of what it once meant to be an American.”

Now, children, this is a bit of a headscratcher. Perhaps ol’ Newt doesn’t know jack-fuckin’-shit about Islam (and even less about “radical Islamists”), but I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that I’m pretty damned sure that if this nation is ever “dominated by radical Islamists”—wait, did you hear that dogwhistle?—they wouldn’t be too kosher with secular atheists running around doing much of anything.

Does this fucktard even know what an atheist is? Besides a talking point designed to scare a bunch of fools who are following another fool. Has he ever talked to an atheist? Oh, of course not. No, what this putrid pestilence wants to do is cynically use two disparate and wholly incompatible groups as whipping posts in his campaign for President. Rather than focus on issues, he’d rather appeal to the ignorant and fearful (basically, white fundamentalist/apocalyptic Christians).

Here’s what this “secular atheist” thinks: I don’t give a flying fuck what you worship. I don’t care if you worship the 8lb 6oz baby Jesus morning, noon and night. I don’t care if you worship an erstwhile goddess or if you worship a pair of lucky underwear. I don’t care if you don’t worship anything at all. However, I DO care when you want to tell me that I must worship your particular imaginary sky-friend and then clothe that bullshit in the flag and then act and speak as though my desire to be left the fuck alone and not have religious dogma shoved down my throat like I’m a two-dollar whore (you know the kind, Newt) in a cheap porno constitutes some grave “threat” to America.

In short: Newt, you can have a nice, steaming, ginormous cup of Shut the Fuck Up along with a plate of Get the Fuck Outta Here With That Bullshit.

*Word to the wise: as they say, how he left his previous wife is how he’s gonna leave you. So, Wifey #3, you better get ready for some epic karma.