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News You Can Use: Madonna Loathes Hydrangeas September 6, 2011

Posted by Skippy in General Weirdness, Humor.
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Fig. 1: Don’t be givin’ Madonna no hydrangeas!

Of all the things that a fan should know, they should know what their idol’s favorite flower is. And they should also know which flowers they positively, absolutely loathe. Whoever gave her this floral abomination is clearly not a fan, and must be destroyed. For the good of all humankind, of course.

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News You Can Use: Karl Lagerfeld Thinks It’s Hard To Have Ugly Kids August 24, 2011

Posted by Skippy in General Weirdness, Observations, Uncategorized.
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It’s amazing when the super-rich open their mouths about the mundane problems of the proles. It’s always so entertaining to find out what fetid thoughts fester in their foolish minds. Fortunately, super-rich people who are also famous tend to not keep those fetid thoughts to themselves, so we get the “pleasure” of being treated to their mental and verbal diarrhea. Today, we get to find out what Karl Lagerfeld, “fashion” designer thinks about “ugly” children:

In the new issue of Interview Magazine, designer Karl Lagerfeld chats it up with former French Vogue editor Carine Roitfeld. The fashion big shots commiserate about wealth (“You’re in your jet—you don’t have a grip on reality. We can lose touch with reality quite easily.”), and being oppressed by jobs.

And then there are Lagerfeld’s views on kids.

Regarding Roitfeld’s children, Julia and Vladimir, Karl comments: “You’re also lucky because they are very beautiful. It would have been difficult to have an ugly daughter.”

Luckily, the former Chanel guru was spared the horrors of raising an unattractive daughter, as he is childless.

“If I were a woman, I would love to have lots of kids,” Lagerfeld opines. “But for men, I don’t believe in it.”

(source)

As they say, “What is this? I don’t even.” Karl, dear, let’s deal with a couple of things.

1. You’re ugly.

Karl, dear, I know it’s been a while since you’ve looked into a mirror…and frankly, I’d be surprised if you were able to see your reflection in the mirror. Anyway, you kinda look like death warmed over and kicked in the balls. I just thought you should know that. And you dress like Dracula. Also, your personality sucks. Actually, your personality contributes significantly to your ugliness.

2. In what way would it be “difficult” to have ugly children?

As far as I know, having kids is pretty difficult regardless of their subjective attractiveness. But Karl seems to think that there’s some additional burdens to raising putatively ugly children. What would those burdens be, Karl? Do tell, you shriveled fossil of a humanoid.

3. What do you mean when you say that you don’t believe in men having kids?

Karl, dear? Can we get some clarification? Are you saying—are you actually saying that you don’t think that men can raise children? Also, dear, saying that you “don’t believe in it” doesn’t actually make any sense. Men raise kids all the time; are you saying the you don’t agree with men raising children? It would help us all greatly if you’d be more specific in your analysis. As it is, you sound like a sexist, self-hating homophobe…on top of being an elitist shriveled fossil that is completely out of touch with anything remotely resembling reality.


Fig. 1: I’d rather take fashion advice from someone who is not undead, thank you very much.

The Bourne Miscommunication July 12, 2011

Posted by Skippy in General Weirdness, Humor.
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Children, there is an old British sitcom that I love called “Keeping Up Appearances.” It’s about this woman, Hyacinth Bucket, who is constantly trying to convince her neighbors and pretty much anyone who crosses her path that she is of higher social standing than she actually is. The show is all about her class snobbery and how her downmarket relations and her own arrogance usually trips her up—for example, she insists on pronouncing her last name as Bouquet (“The Bouquet residence, the lady of the house speaking” is her preferred way of answering her slim white telephone with automatic redial). It’s full of dry wit and broad humor, and I love it. However, up till now, I never considered that a human being would actually comport themselves in a way so thoroughly reminiscent of Hyacinth.

Well, thanks to the wonders of the Internet, meet Carolyn Bourne, mother-in-law-to-be to Heidi Withers. Withers, it seems, had the temerity to get engaged to Bourne’s son, Freddie. She even had the appalling gall to, on a visit, not show all the proper graces that Mrs. Bourne expects of any young woman wishing to wed her precious son Freddie. Well, in the face of such shameful displays (the likes of which we only have Mrs. Bourne’s word for), Mrs. Bourne decided to do what all people of good breeding and character do: send Ms. Withers a scathing email.

Frankly, you can’t tell me that Mrs. Bourne probably took one look at Ms. Withers and immediately decided that her precious Freddie was NOT going to marry this downmarket, common American. Oh, no. And anything that Ms. Withers did would probably never meet with Mrs. Bourne’s approval. Now, other sites have been content to post the email (which is long) and leave it at that. Not I. No, I think that what this email needs is translation, because there’s A LOT going on in this email. And no, I am not making this email up. Seriously.
(Mrs. Bourne’s Comments in Bold; Skippy’s Translation in plain text)

It is high time someone explained to you about good manners. Yours are obvious by their absence and I feel sorry for you.
I hate you and it’s time I told you so.

Unfortunately for Freddie, he has fallen in love with you and Freddie being Freddie, I gather it is not easy to reason with him or yet encourage him to consider how he might be able to help you.
Unfortunately, Freddie, my golden child, love of my life, fruit of my loins, does not.

It may just be possible to get through to you though. I do hope so.
It may be possible to harass you enough to dissuade you from marrying my precious Freddie. I hope so, for I hate you.

Your behaviour on your visit to Devon during April was staggering in its uncouthness and lack of grace.
Everything you did, up to and including breathing, pissed me right off.

Unfortunately, this was not the first example of bad manners I have experienced from you.
This isn’t the first time your breathing pissed me right off.

If you want to be accepted by the wider Bourne family I suggest you take some guidance from experts with utmost haste.
I am an expert. In hating you. Oh, and nothing you can do will ever make me stop talking shit about you to each and every member of my family. I hate you.

There are plenty of finishing schools around. You would be an ideal candidate for the Ladette to Lady television series.
You belong on reality television, like your fellow trashy Americans.

Please, for your own good, for Freddie’s sake and for your future involvement with the Bourne family, do something as soon as possible.
For the love of GOD, please don’t have any children!

Here are a few examples of your lack of manners:
I will now recount each and every thing you did that makes me hate you. Remember, I hate you.

When you are a guest in another’s house, you do not declare what you will and will not eat – unless you are positively allergic to something.
I’m totally going to contradict myself in a few sentences. See what you make me do? I heard that offhand remark you made to Freddie, you cow.

You do not remark that you do not have enough food. (Skippy: Wait. Was she eating or not eating? Which is it, Mrs. Bourne?)
You are clearly a fat, overfed American cow who is trying to infect us with your fat American genes.

You do not start before everyone else.
I saw you, stuffing your fat face. Stupid, fat hobbit.

You do not take additional helpings without being invited to by your host.
When a guest in another’s house, you do not lie in bed until late morning in households that rise early – you fall in line with house norms.

I could go on about you eating everything in this house and then saying that you wouldn’t eat everything in this house, but I must now harp on your fat laziness, you fat, lazy American cow. What, we didn’t tell you that we arise at six o’clock sharp for inspection? Well, you should have known, you fat, lazy American cow!

You should never ever insult the family you are about to join at any time and most definitely not in public. I gather you passed this off as a joke but the reaction in the pub was one of shock, not laughter. (Skippy: The hell did she do? Piss on a dead person’s grave? Say she’s a supporter of Manchester United? Vote Labour?)
I am incensed that other people liked you. It’s clearly all your fault.

I have no idea whether you wrote to thank [your future sister-in-law] for the weekend but you should have hand-written a card to her.
Now I’m just making shit up. I hate you.

You should have hand-written a card to me. You have never written to thank me when you have stayed at Houndspool.
IN PLACE OF A DARK LORD, YOU WOULD HAVE A QUEEN! NOT DARK BUT BEAUTIFUL AND TERRIBLE AS THE DAWN! ALL SHALL LOVE ME AND WRITE THANK YOU CARDS!!!

[Your future sister-in-law] has quite the most exquisite manners of anyone I have ever come across. You would do well to follow her example.
I like [Your future sister-in-law]. She is not a fat, stupid, lazy American cow. Be like her, even though I know you can’t.

You regularly draw attention to yourself. Perhaps you should ask yourself why.
It is tragic that you have diabetes. However, you aren’t the only young person in the world who is a diabetic.

I really hope you fall into a diabetic coma and die. But I really can’t write that, so…don’t ever mention that you have diabetes, you attention-seeking cow.

I know quite a few young people who have this condition, one of whom is getting married in June. I have never heard her discuss her condition.
She quietly gets on with it. She doesn’t like being diabetic. Who would? You do not need to regale everyone with the details of your condition or use it as an excuse to draw attention to yourself. It is vulgar.

Other people who have diabetes? Well, I like them. I don’t like you, so any time you ever mention having diabetes is just you being an attention-seeking, fat, stupid, lazy American cow.

As a diabetic of long standing you must be acutely aware of the need to prepare yourself for extraordinary eventualities, the walk to Mothecombe beach being an example.
You are experienced enough to have prepared yourself appropriately.

I was hoping that that walk to the beach would have finished you off. Now all those ninjas I hired to kill you with poison darts went to waste. Curses!

No-one gets married in a castle unless they own it. It is brash, celebrity style behaviour.
I understand your parents are unable to contribute very much towards the cost of your wedding. (There is nothing wrong with that except that convention is such that one might presume they would have saved over the years for their daughters’ marriages.)
If this is the case, it would be most ladylike and gracious to lower your sights and have a modest wedding as befits both your incomes.

Ok, if I haven’t pissed you off by now, then gird your loins, cow. I’m now coming after your fat, lazy, broke-ass American family. Your family is fat. Lazy. And they are broke. They are clearly even more trashy than you are, since they’re not ponying up for this wedding. I also hate every choice you’ve made regarding this wedding, including having it at a castle. Didn’t some other trashy American also get married in a castle? Well, then you’re also guilty by random association, you shrew. You clearly should be getting married at the free clinic.

One could be accused of thinking that Heidi Withers must be patting herself on the back for having caught a most eligible young man. I pity Freddie.
I hate you. I really, really, REALLY hate you, you money-grubbing, attention-seeking, overeating, persnickety, joke-telling, lazy, fat, overfed, non-beach-walking, probably-street-walking, poor-family-having bitch. I bet you tricked him into thinking you were pregnant.

Idiot Racists Are…Well, Idiot Racists. July 5, 2011

Posted by Skippy in General Weirdness, Observations, Politics, Racism, Xenophobia.
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Fig. 1: A racist picture is worth a thousand racist words.

Ok, so you all are probably familiar with the proverb, “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.” I suppose that we must now add a corollary: “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to wear a stupid T-shirt and remove all doubt.” Apparently, the Kentucky Tea Party (read: modern form of the KKK) decided it would be tres’ cool to produce and sell—on the Fourth of July, no less—T-shirts bearing the phrases “Yup, I’m a Racist” and “Infidel: Everything I Need to Know About Islam I Learned on 9/11.”

Just when you thought clothing couldn’t get any douchebaggier than the “Affliction” Ed Hardy T-shirts, here comes the Kentucky Tea Party to take the cake and put a KKK cake-topper on it! I suppose these good folks still want to see the long-form birth certificate, love Michelle Bachmann, and think that The Homosexual Agenda actually exists. I also suppose I shouldn’t be too upset—frankly, if I see someone wearing such a T-shirt, it tells me everything I need to know about them in delightful brevity. It tells me that this person is extremely stupid, for the following reasons:

1. It tells me that this person is, in fact, a racist.
You see, if this shirt is supposed to be “ironic,” then it fails miserably. As we all know, the Tea Party gained a reputation for being racist, as the “party” formed in response to the emergence of Barack Obama as the Democratic nominee for President of the United States, and members of this party have been caught on tape spouting some pretty bigoted nonsense and tomfoolery. Leaders in the party have tried to extinguish such perceptions by occasionally letting the odd (and I do mean odd) Black person in the party speak and say, “Hey, we’re not racist.” Also, they tend to focus on economic issues, by claiming that Obama is a Socialist. Just don’t ask them what a Socialist is. They can’t tell you. Anyway, anyone who has to go out of their way to tell you they’re not something usually is that something.

2. It tells me that this person is given to allowing T-shirt slogans and bumperstickers to represent complex issues.
To me, there’s something awfully juvenile about these shirts. But then again, I think there’s something awfully juvenile about message T-shirts. If you see a man or woman over the age of thirty wearing such a shirt, question their maturity. Question it early, question it often. The same thing goes for bumperstickers. I have grown sick and tired of seeing people “sloganize” their damned cars and their torsos. Frankly, I don’t care if you eat vegan or buy local or think that Obama is a baby-raping Socialist devil from the ninth circle of Hell. I really don’t care to be stuck behind your stupid Prius or stupid Land Behemoth and looking at a damned stick stencil of your monuments to overpopulation, nor do I care to know just how much you LOVE Jesus or your wife or your Yorkshire Terrier. Complex issues in this world cannot be reduced to puerile T-shirts or bumperstickers. And if the Tea Party wants to dispel the assertions of racism, then perhaps the leaders need to get a better grip on their brand messaging. This T-shirt doesn’t help.

3. It tells me that this person is willingly ignorant.
When you see a douchebag wearing this shirt, that should tell you that this is a person who is perhaps spoiling for either attention or a fight. This is a person who is proud to be in an organization that is polarizing and ill-informed. They most likely have very black-white views of the world and their membership in this “party.” Do not engage them. Hell, don’t even look at them as you pass them by at a public event, for this kind of idiot—much like other kinds of idiots whom you might find on YouTube or the comments section of CNN.com—prides themselves on being woefully ignorant about a great many things.

Stupid, Ugly Man Writes Stupid, Racist Article About “Attractiveness.” Film at Eleven. May 18, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Culture, General Weirdness, Racism.
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Fig. 1: This guy has the nerve to write about attractiveness?

Ok, so apparently, this idiot, Satoshi Kanazawa, wrote an incendiary piece for Psychology Today called “Why Are Black Women Less Physically Attractive Than Other Women?”

Before I even get to the “content” of his stupid article, I have to talk about the title. The title presumes off the bat that Black women are “less physically attractive” than other women. Wow. That right there is awesome. I mean, why even bother pretending to have anything in the neighborhood of scientific objectivity? If you’re gonna go racist, go RACIST. Don’t half-step it, Satoshi!

Anyway, Kanazawa claims to have “objective” data that would explain just why Black women are so damned ugly. Are you ready? Sitting down? Got plenty of alcohol in hand? Good.
* Black women are on average much heavier than nonblack women.

Well, as we all know, nobody likes any junk in that trunk. Nobody.

Fig. 1: The butt is a lie.

* Africans have more mutations in their genomes than other races. And the mutation loads significantly decrease physical attractiveness (because physical attractiveness is a measure of genetic and developmental health).

So, basically, because there’s more diversity among Africans, Black women are less attractive than women in other races. Because inbreeding produces nothing but awesome-looking people.

Fig. 2: One of these young men is probably not the offspring of Prince Charles. You’ll never guess which one.

And, to borrow from Professor Farnsworth, Good News! Being good looking is a “measure of genetic and developmental health.” And here I thought that attractiveness was purely subjective. Isn’t science awesome?

But hark! Kanazawa has a problem. If both Black men and women have more genome mutations, then shouldn’t Black men be equally hideous to everyone? Shouldn’t Kim Kardashian fairly faint at the sight of Reggie Bush? Well, no. Because Kanazawa presents an argument so insane, that it just might work!

* The only thing I can think of that might potentially explain the lower average level of physical attractiveness among black women is testosterone. Africans on average have higher levels of testosterone than other races, and testosterone, being an androgen (male hormone), affects the physical attractiveness of men and women differently.

Well, now. Did I read that correctly, or did Kanazawa just call Black women a bunch of intersexed ugly people? I think he just called Black women a bunch of intersexed ugly people. Mind you, the “study” he’s drawing on to make his “conclusions”? Doesn’t explain or even consider the historical and social forces behind “attractiveness.” Let me give you an example of the subjectivity of “attractiveness.” Back in college, there was this guy I thought was the Hottest Man To Ever Walk The Earth. Fifteen years ago, I would have literally slapped my mother if I’d have had a shot at him. Now? Well, not so much. He’s still attractive—to me—but now I’m like, “Meh. I’ve seen better.” What changed? Well, I’ve seen more men. Also? Time has helped shape and reshape my thoroughly subjective judgments about what I think is attractive.

What’s hilarious—and sad—is that this guy is proffering all of these racist crackhead theories and doesn’t seem to acknowledge that he himself as a Japanese man will likely be subjected to a number of racist assumptions about the “attractiveness” and “sexual prowess” of Asian men.

Or maybe he has and has decided to embark on a Pinky and the Brain-like program of idiotic disinformation as he attempts TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD. I really hope it’s that.


Fig. 3: Remember ladies (or gents); this could all be yours!

The End is Nigh! Again! May 14, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Culture, General Weirdness, Religion.
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So says a bunch of people. From NPR:

Brian Haubert grabs some pamphlets and marches toward the flea market in Palmyra, N.J. Armed with a poster that trumpets Judgment Day on May 21, 2011, he braces for rejection. Announcing God’s wrath is not always a popular message.

“I’ve been called a heretic,” says Haubert, a 33-year-old actuary. “I’ve been told I read the wrong Bible. And then there’s the occasional person who seems to be genuinely interested,” he says.

His friend and fellow believer, Kevin Brown, uses a gentler approach, not confronting people or engaging in conversation, just politely handing out Judgment Day pamphlets.

Now see, I wouldn’t call Haubert a heretic.

I’d call him crazy.

Add him to the long list of people who have gotten their knickers in a twist because the world isn’t quite going the way they think it ought and hope for an imaginary sky-friend to come along and kill all the right people—ever noticed how the doomsayers are never the ones who are going to be on the receiving end of their preferred deity’s wrath? No, ma’am and no sir. These upstanding folks are all a bunch of Jor-Els, running around trying to warn us sinner folk of our sinning ways. Of course, religion isn’t the only culprit in these end of the world freak outs. Remember Y2K? Yeah, people lost their shit over a potential glitch in computers and acted like the End of Days was upon us. And then there’s the impending year 2012 in which woo-addled morons think that the world will end because some Mayans who were writing their dayplanners stopped at some point and said, “Hey, let’s grab some lunch and call it a day.”

Anyway, the world didn’t end in 2000—or in 1978 or in 1988 or when Barack Obama was elected President or when George W. Bush choked on a pretzel. But try telling that to the folks at WeCanKnow.com:

Fig. 1: Since I’m a godless sodomite and will be left behind, would you mind signing over all your financial assets to me?

These folks are convinced that there’s been some “special” revelation—which specifically contradicts Jesus’s assertion that no one would know the day nor hour in which the “end of the age” would occur. But hey, they claim that their only source for this special revelation is the Bible…I guess the very words of their religion’s founder simply don’t count for squat, but weird readings of Pauline letters do. Isn’t proof-texting fun?

Funny thing is, these folks never do reveal just how they came up with Saturday, May 21st, 2011 as the date in which their deity would decide to do something really dramatic. Why May 21st? Why not, say, 70 C.E.? Why not when the early church was deep in the shit and being persecuted left, right and center? Why not around the time of the Bubonic Plague or the Influenza Epidemic of the early 20th Century? Why not during the 1950s? And these are people who are clearly ill-informed about their own religion’s history when it comes to predicting “the end:”

Tough question first: What would you say in response to those who would argue that the Bible never talks about the rapture, nor does the word or concept appear in the Bible, but rather it is simply a 18th century theological construction?

Quite simply, they do not believe the Bible, nor do they understand the enormous relevance of the the resurrection, and subsequent glorification of the bodies of “most” true believers; there are a few exceptions – like Enoch, Elijah and others, who already possess their glorified spiritual bodies). While it is true that the word “Rapture” dos not appear in the Bible, the word “shall be caught up” does, as it appears in 1 Thes. 4:17 (as well as 12 other citation). Please note the very significant context of verses 13-18, plus it precedes one of the most important chapters on the Bible that we can absolutely KNOW the timing of the “catching up” and the Day of Judgment (which is a period of 153 days in actuality from May 21, 2011 – October 21, 2011) in 1 Thes. 5:1-5:

(source: The American Jesus.net)

These folks either don’t know or don’t care to know anything about John Nelson Darby, the British theologian responsible for this “rapture theology” to which they so blindly subscribe. Also, they’re so confident that this is happening, that they can’t even fathom responding to people on the 22nd. I daresay, next Sunday will be very interesting—especially since these folks can’t back off and say that “Oh, well, we got it wrong.”


Fig. 2: I wonder if these ladies will be smiling next week?


Fig. 3: That’s a pretty big matzo ball hanging out there.

Pole Dancing…For Jesus? March 20, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Culture, General Weirdness, Observations, Religion.
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No, seriously. It’s a thing.

Fig. 1: Houston, we have a problem.

Children, just because you slap “Jesus” on something like it’s a frakkin’ brand name does NOT automagically make it “Christian”…or a good idea.

But seriously, is it just me, or is it that these people are using “Jesus” to validate a thing that they wanted to do? How does this “pole fitness” become something “for” Jesus? Sure, Crystal Deans says that the women who come to get on the pole are “continuing worship,” but what does getting on the pole have to do with Jesus? I’m not saying that there shouldn’t be pole fitness centers (that’s apparently a new thing in our continuing quest to become the most insipid civilization on the face of the earth), or that there shouldn’t be any number of pop cultural fads; just don’t claim that some deceased Jewish itinerant preacher from the first century C.E. has anything whatsoever to do with your particular fad. My cynical self looks at something like this and thinks, “This is just another instance of religion being used in order to market a fad to a segment of the population.” Look at it like this: if Crystal decided to do “Pole Fitness for Spock,” and offered some kind of Star Trek-themed pole dancing (say, the women all wearing green makeup and dancing like Orion Slave Girls), we’d all be clear; Crystal would be trying to cash in on a particular subgroup. When I see something like this pole dancing for Jesus, that’s the second thing I think. The first thing is, “Seriously? This is a thing?”

I guess it is.

It’s Just A Snow Penis, People. December 30, 2010

Posted by Skippy in General Weirdness, Rants.
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Want further proof that “Idiocracy” was a documentary and not a comedy? Here you go:

Apparently, there’s some kind of state law in Indiana that prohibits the construction of snow penises or something like that.

Children, people need to calm the fuck down. Freaking out over a penis made of snow? I mean, have these people never seen a penis? I’m assuming that some of these people who’ve thrown a hissy fit over a snow penis are either in possession of one or have seen one, but given the puritanical outrage associated with a damned snow penis, I’d have to assume that these people have some sort of elaborate apparatus installed so when they take a piss or have sex they don’t have to either see or handle the offending appendage.

I mean, really. I don’t like truck nuts—I think they’re stupid and indicative of the relative intelligence of the person who deigned to have them on their car. But it never occurred to me to start a movement that would lead to outlawing truck nuts. Why? Because at the end of the fucking day…

…I don’t give a shit.

You know why? Because at the end of the fucking day, a truck nut or a snow penis isn’t impinging on my life, liberty or pursuit of happiness. I’m going to be really pissed about morons who think that gays getting married is the End of All Things, or patriarchal fucktards who spew stupidities left, right, and center. Why? Because those fuckers have the potential to cause real damage to American society. A snow penis? It’ll fucking melt. Truck nuts on a giant SUV? I can pass right by it and keep on rolling to my next destination. And I don’t have to put one on my car, either.

So, in short, to all you offended people in Indiana who were just shocked and appalled at the sight of a goddamn snow penis? Get a fucking grip and lose the puritanism, PLEASE.

Pastor Fight! December 21, 2010

Posted by Skippy in General Weirdness, Observations, Religion.
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Some people are so full of the love of Christ…

…that they must whoop someone else’s ass.

Children, I don’t even know where to begin here. The fight was allegedly caused by “different views of Scripture.” Really? Really?!?

Ok, “Old Paths Baptist Church.” Let’s talk about your interpretation of “Scripture.” According to a news story on this foolishness, your church “uses only the King James Bible, believing ‘all other versions have Satan’s fingerprints.'” That right there is proof that your “church” is full of a bunch of fucking morons. You clearly don’t have the slightest clue as to the origins of the Christian Bible—I mean, simple questions a third-grader might ask would reveal your beliefs to be…ridiculous. For example, what about those Christians who lived before 1611? You know, the masses of Christians who were illiterate? Oh, and what did the people in the first century church use as a Bible? Hint: It ain’t in English, homeboy!

Anyway, so you show up to “Church on the Move” (as opposed to all those other churches that don’t seem to be moving anywhere) and start writing heavenly checks with your mouth that your ass can’t cash. Gee, do you think that that is what Jesus might do? Oh, wait, don’t answer that…because you probably will run right to the passage that shows Jesus opening a can of righteous whoop-ass on the “moneychangers” in the Temple.

Fig. 1: Jesus: Harshing your mellow since 30 C.E.

Frankly, for a guy who was all about peace and “love one another,” he could be an obstinate cuss sometimes. I mean, these guys are just providing a service necessary for people who probably don’t have two turtledoves or the appropriate Jewish currency necessary for completing their required sacrifices—sacrifices that Jesus/Jesus’ daddy required them to do, mind you—and here this dude comes, whip and all, and causing a ruckus, in the name of his father.

Of course, when you delve into the interpretation of the text—something that Old Paths likely wouldn’t do…because that would require historical/text criticism…and reading the texts in their original languages—you might find that the motivation behind putting this story in the gospels is not so much about Jesus’ righteousness as it is an indictment of the religion of the day. Again, this is probably a very appealing text for people like those who “worship” at Old Paths Baptist, because it gives them the carte blanche to be smug-o-rific about their beliefs.

What would Jesus do, indeed!

Well, anyway, Old Paths Baptist Church, you keep on arguing that the KJV Bible is the only acceptable Bible and then use that as pretext for going to other churches and starting mess. Just don’t be surprised when Really Old Paths Baptist Church of Truthiness starts up and starts protesting you for doing something that doesn’t meet with their approval.

And for that, Old Paths Baptist Church, you are awarded:

Fig. 2: The Picard would not approve.

The Jokes Just Write Themselves December 17, 2010

Posted by Skippy in General Weirdness, Uncategorized.
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What the…I don’t even.