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Real Housewives of Orange County: “Amped Blondes and Evil Eyes” March 7, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Real Housewives.
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Children, the O.G. is back and blonder than ever! But first, we’re treated to a montage of all the crazy shit that happened before. But now, we have a new ho’wife named Peggy. She’s blonde.

We start with Tamra who refers to herself as a “free bitch.” She doesn’t have to answer to anyone and she loves it. She’s an Independent Woman! She calls the other women to invite them to a party she’s having. Alexis (she of the Jugs for Jesus) is all judgey: “In biblical terms, divorce is something people aren’t supposed to do…” You know what else people aren’t supposed to do, in biblical terms? You’re not supposed to be vain, selfish, lie, or live way beyond your means. So basically, shut up, Jugs.

Anyway, Tamra is trying to make amends with all the people she pissed off when she was married to Sleazy Simon. She’s now dating a hot (read: rich) guy who speaks Spanish. Did I mention he’s putatively hot? Well, honey, I’ll be the judge of that.

Gretchen started her makeup line. She’s now started a line of fugly handbags. Yippee. She’s meeting with some PR person (?) and is going on about how INDEPENDENT she is. She’s talking a mile a minute and the PR person only gets half a sentence in. The PR person does a fucking stupid interpretation of what women from Middle America are like. Did you know that women from Middle America all talk like they’re afflicted and only care about cheap fugly handbags? Aren’t you glad some clueless twitska from California just enlightened you? Can California just fall into the fucking ocean, already?

Woo hoo! We’re at Vicki’s house! Woo hoo! She and Don respect each other since they renewed their vows. They respect each other so much that Donn calls her a “dumb [c-word?]” as they move furniture in anticipation of doing some remodeling shit. She claims that she’s trying to be more “soft-hearted” and “giving.” As in “giving Donn an inch” and letting him call her a bleeped-out word. But wait…didn’t she file for divorce last October? Commercials!

We’re moving “Million Dollar Listing” to a new night! Again!

Shots of cars none of these women can afford! Tamra goes to get a tattoo of Sleazy Simon’s sleazy name—HOLY SHIT, IT’S EVIL DR. WILL FROM BIG BROTHER! Anyway, he’s tasked with removing the tattoos from her finger and her posterior. Tattoo removal is painful. It looks like she’s being phasered. Tamra’s mother seems to have a case of permanent bitchface. Am I wrong for only focusing on Evil Dr. Will and wanting to do unspeakable things to him? Am I wrong for being shallow? Well, I don’t wanna be right.

Oh, Christ. Jugs for Jesus. She had two nannies, but is down to one nanny and has to deal with her three kids on Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday. I know, cry for her, Argentina. She claims she tries to do what Jesus would do. Well, Jesus didn’t have kids, so she’s fucked up already. Jugs says “The Bible says that a man’s role is to be the head of the household and the wife is to be second.” I fucking hate this bobble-headed moron. I so want to shut her in a room with about thirty or so biblical scholars—you know, people who’ve ACTUALLY read that “Bible” she keeps clucking on about. I guarantee you that this simpleton hasn’t read that thing and only knows what her useless “husband” and “pastor” says. Anyway, after I calm down from hearing her set back women’s rights about thirty five thousand years, she has to deal with her children. The rest of us call it “parenting.”

Gretchen has a gay friend! Who’s a hairdresser! With whom she gossips! I give up. Gretchen dishes with Her Gay Friend about her hatred of Tamra. Frankly, I have a hard time keeping all these botoxed, blonde women straight. Except Alexis, and that’s only because she has a Jesus macro in her software.

Speaking of the hated Tamra, she is getting ready for her party. She will have a half naked bartender named Brad Scott. He’s attractive, so forgive me as I hit the rewind button on the DVR for the next twenty minutes or so. I’ll be back in a few.

Ok, there’s going to be food and alcohol. And a hunky, half-naked bartender named Brad Scott. He’s kinda hot, so I’m hitting the rewind button on the…oh, I’m sorry. Brad wisely fake-laughs at the stupid shit that Tamra’s friend Hot Latina Stereotype says. Oh, she’s a lesbian. I see where this is going. Tamra, you’re better than stooping to the same tricks from a spinoff show!

Oh, Christ. It’s Jugs. She gets out of a limo—something else I don’t think Jesus would have done. What about all that shit about selling all that you have, giving it to the poor (or, in her world, The Poors) and following the—and these are her words—“the G-O-D above”? Seriously, she has not said one thing this episode that hasn’t involved her invoking her sky-friend and his zombie son. She booked a limo because “Mama needs a drink, and not a DUI.” Jugs pronounces “American Express” “AYMex.” Gretchen makes fun of her pronunciation of the credit card. Gretchen and Jugs are besties now. Gretchen judges Tamra for dating a guy before the ink is dry on the divorce papers. Oooh, guess what? Jugs dated some dude (perhaps her current annoying fucktard husband) before the divorce was final! Another thing Jesus wouldn’t have done. She’s really 0-4 in this whole WWJD game.

Women who are not blonde show up to the party. Then Jugs and others arrive. Tamra thinks that they’re toasted already. They’re all drinking white wine. I fucking hate white wine. I don’t know why; I just do. So, this party is some kind of party where you look at tacky ass prêt-a-porter while drinking. Gretchen disses Tamra in her new beau’s house. Tacky!

Interstitial: Working! Vicki is at work. She is always at work. She is worried that when she’s not at work, her staff isn’t working at work. It’s just not working!

No one beats Victor Newman. No one!

Evil Gretchen evilly laughs about being evil. Vicki shows up and Tamra tells her about Evil Gretchen’s evilness. Vicki speaks to Jugs for Jesus. What does Jugs do? She throws Vicki shade. 0-5, Jugs!

Evil Gretchen laments that Brad Scott wasn’t pantsless. Amen, drunk Evil Gretchen! Tamra’s trying to take the high road and not say mean shit about Evil Gretchen. She notes that it takes balls to go up in someone’s house and insult them. Vicki says that it takes more balls to kick that fool out. Back at the party, the women ogle Brad Scott, bartender. He claims to be 23, but does not reveal whether he’s gay or straight. Aw. Also, I don’t believe for a minute that he’s 23. 33, perhaps.

Evil Gretchen and Jugs soon get into a drunken argument about Jugs calling Gretchen a “princess.” The Latina Lesbian tries to mediate, but gives up and walks off, presumably to stalk less drunk prey. Other women attempt to mediate. The Latina Lesbian is eating a dessert and thinking about going on OKCupid.

Meanwhile, Tamra is still spilling her guts to Vicki. Wow. Way to be absent from your own damn party. Tamra thinks that Donn is funny. Vicki hates him. Anyway, conspicuous consumption of tacky clothing ensues. Evil Gretchen tells Vicki she’s working. Vicki doesn’t give a flying shit. She does not approve of any of Evil Gretchen’s life choices.

Tamra decides to give Evil Gretchen a second chance. “Were you calling me an evil bitch?” “Yeah, I kinda was,” Evil Gretchen says. At least she’s honest. They both wear the “evil eye” blinged out hat while other women attempt to mediate, including Jugs. Yes, Jugs. Tamra decides that Evil Gretchen isn’t worth a good glass of wine. Kick the bitch out the house, is what I say.

In the limo, the women kvetch about how awkward the evening was. The “princess” nonsense comes back up like a bad meal. Shauna wishes she were in a different limo, with different people. Jugs actually utters a sentence that does not invoke Jesus—it’s a miracle!