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Real Housewives of Orange County: “A New Lease On Life” March 23, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Real Housewives.

Last time: Evil Gretchen is the boss and pays Shady Slade in sex. Tamra thinks that Asshole Jim is…well, an asshole. We met Peggy, the Gun-Totin’ Moron.

It’s Always Sunny In California…and Evil Gretchen greets Jugs For Jesus…who happens to be wearing a tiara. The princess argument continues…to be boring and stupid. Jugs mentions Pegs and hopes that Evil Gretchen will behave around Pegs. She’d better, or Pegs will bust a cap in her ass. Pegs arrives at some fugly boutique where alcohol is used to loosen up wallets. She meets Evil Gretchen. Pegs interviews that Evil Gretchen looks like she’s from Texas. Pegs also mentions Gretchen’s Zodiac sign, which confirms to me that she’s a fucking moron. The fools shop and spend $859. Idiots.

Vicki’s back home and is haranguing the contractors about the remodel and the costs. She really is itching to show up on Law and Order, isn’t she? Donn doesn’t like change, according to Vicki. Also according to her, if she wants to sell the house, then Donn will just have to suck it up.

Oh, Christ. We’re back to Jugs and Pegs and Evil Gretchen. After a hard day of spending money, the gals have to spend more money on overpriced food. The heifers gossip about Vicki and Tamra. This is so damned first-year in college. Jugs asks Evil Gretchen about Shady Slade’s penis. Pegs says that she and her husband fucked in a closet to get away from their stupid kid. Jugs, never to be outdone, tells a stupid lying ass story about her and Asshole Jim having kinky sex. Whatever, you idiot. Ask yourself this, Jugs: would Jesus tie someone up to get his rocks off? 0-6, Jugs.

Vicki and Tamra have lunch. They need to repair their damaged relationship. Vicki says that she wants to sell the house, because it’s too damned expensive. She says she has a $900 electric bill—DAMN. Tamra’s leading a hard life after divorcing Simon. She wants someone who will laugh and have fun. What about that Latina lesbian—oh, sorry. She’s fucking some dude named Eddie. Whatever. Vicki’s glad that Tamra hasn’t foisted Eddie on her children. They’re so stressed! How can you fix it? Tamra knows—go to Cabo!

Oh, God. Jugs. The idiot family is going on some idiot trip to San Diego. The godwhore that Asshole Jim is, he kisses all his kids and says “Be blessed and protected in Jesus’ name” to each one of them. I suppose if they get in a ten car pileup on the freeway, does that mean that Jesus was off doing something else? Also, being the asshole that Asshole Jim is, he’s going to drive his own car, while Jugs drives the SUV with Sandra the Nanny (who is a Christian, which, according to Jugs, is huge). Imaginary sky-friend forbid that Asshole Jim have to do more than invoke said imaginary sky-friend before a trip!

In addition to being a gun nut, Pegs is a “holistic” idiot. She doesn’t believe in antibiotics. Fucking idiot. I bet she’s an anti-vaxer, too. Oh, and Douchebag Micah’s mom Melinda is a fucking naturopath and homeopathist. So it’s going to be a horserace between Jugs and Pegs as to which one will make me scream at the tv first. Oh, wait. Melinda wins with this—and I’m not making this shit up: “This is where your governing vessel ends and this is where your conception vessel begins. You have meridians which are energy circuits and usually if your polarity is switched, you want to bring it back on.”

PAUSE. What. What? What the fucking hell did ANY of that fucking mean? All the while, Naturopath Melinda is making gestures about the face as though that bullshit she just uttered has anything to do with a human being. She could as easily pointed to her ass or toes and said that foolish bullshit. I’m going to go on the record and say that naturopathy or how the fuck ever you spell such a bullshit word and homeopathy are nothing but bullshit. And the people who buy into this bullshit are fools who are soon parted from their money and health. Anyway, Idiot Pegs is just sitting there eating that shit up. Fucking idiots.

Ok, anyway, Naturopath wants Pegs to pee in a cup to see how she’s aging. Judging from the looks of her, I’d say badly and with tons of plastic surgery. Naturopath Melinda says that Pegs’s cells are rusting. DUMBASS! CELLS DON’T RUST! YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT. She pulls out some “holographic bands” and says that she’s going to “program in some hormone support.” She’s a fucking idiot and needs to be told she’s a fucking idiot. And if anyone posts a comment about homeopathy and naturopathy or whatever the fuck that dumb shit is and tries to defend that dumb woo, I will respond only with a picture of this:

Idiot Naturopath says the body heals itself, and Pegs says that she needs to spend a shitton of money on shit she doesn’t need…because it’s natural? Who the fuck knows?

Evil Gretchen and Shady Slade are going somewhere. Some friends of hers have a house in Palm Springs. They’re going to be gone a few days, but they’re packing like they’re running away from the aliens. Shady Slade says that the honeymoon is never over. Die already, Shady. Evil Gretchen tests his thesis when she essentially calls him a dumbass.

Are you there, Jesus? It’s me, Jugs. Jugs and Asshole Jim show up at the private resort. I somehow can’t equate this to the Upper Room. 0-7, Jugs. Yes, bitch, I’m keeping count. Oh, and guess what. Asshole Jim forgot Sandra the Nanny’s luggage. 0-8. They get into their rooms and immediately, Asshole Jim bosses the bellboy around. 0-9. Jugs says that “[Asshole] Jim is the boss, and my role is to pack and unpack.” Asshole Jim is hungry and wants a snack, so he wants Jugs to call up room service.


Evil Gretchen bitches at Shady Slade. One of the bikes falls off the car and she jokes about it. They arrive at their Sassy Gay Friends’ house and Evil Gretchen and Shady Slade immediately turn into That Couple. You know, That Couple who always argues with each other in front of everyone else and make everyone extremely uncomfortable. They’re That Couple. Robert and Victor, The Sassy Gay Couple ride on their bikes with Evil Gretchen and Shady Slade. She jokes about being pregnant…much to the chagrin of one Shady Slade.

Jesus Fuckin’ Christ. Jugs. And Asshole Jim. Asshole Jim leads a fucking stupid prayer before breakfast. Jugs says that Asshole Jim praying makes him feel like the head of the household. What, you mean oppressing your wife, being a bossy asshole, and treating everyone like shit on your shoe doesn’t make you feel like the head of the household? Jugs says that she thanks “God” for putting her with “such an amazing man…and he has a little money, so that’s a bonus.” I guess going and having that asshole of yours buy you some baubles makes up for—

Tamra is on the phone with Eddie, the Invisible Boyfriend. Tamra says he’s “so physically fit.” I’ll be the judge of that, thank you very much.

JESUS! We’re back to Jugs and Asshole Jim. “I have the most amazing husband; he tells me how beautiful I am, he buys me nice things…he just treats me well.” Well, then I guess it’s okay that HE TREATS YOU LIKE A FUCKING MAID. The idiots go into a jewelry store…and he starts looking for shit for himself. Jugs says that she accessorizes him very well…but that won’t stop him from spending $22,000 on watches. When Jugs is finally allowed to look at some rings, Asshole Jim tells her that she needs to tone it down, as though spending $22,000 on a fucking watch is the very picture of modesty. 0-10, you fucking asshole. Anyway, Jugs claims that she worked hard for that ring and deserves it. Really? Well, if you had worked hard for it, you’d HAVE YOUR OWN FUCKING MONEY AND COULD BUY THE GODDAMN RING YOUR OWN FUCKING SELF.


GODDAMN INTERSTITIAL. More Jugs. Asshole Jim wears his hat backwards, further confirming that he is a douchebag asshole bastard. Jugs continues to justify the backwards ass patriarchy in her household.

We finally get to see this mysterious Eddie. According to Tamra, he has “Latin Oomph.” She says he’s very humpable. Again, I’ll be the judge of that, Tamra. So far, I give him a 6 on a scale of 1 to 10. They meet Tamra’s “real estate partner” at some restaurant, where Tamra throws herself all over Eddie, the Latin Oomph. The Oomphy Couple and Real Estate Guy talk about boring shit. Tamra’s going to Spain, but she hasn’t told Simon yet. Why would she have to tell Simon? The Oomphy Couple make out at dinner. Die already.

Evil Gretchen says her trip to Palm Springs has been a debacle. Sladechen and The Sassy Gays go to dinner, where Evil Gretchen bitches at Shady about what he’s eating. Of course, Victor does hair. Of course. Evil Gretchen really hates Tamra. Got it. Shadechen and the Sassy Gays plan a double wedding…until Gretchen says that she would rather treat Shady Slade like—wait for it—a car lease. I guess it’s the Sassy Gays who are destroying Evil Gretchen’s view of marriage.

Tamra draws a bath. A bath of sex. A sexy bath of sexy sex. She draws it sexily, and it will be sexsational. Because sex will happen in this sexy bath of sex. She sexily calls out to her Latin Oomph and he enters the bathroom to find her naked in that bath of sex. He gulps down his wine, for tonight, he will have to see her naked. He takes off his shirt, and I give him a 7. Tamra says he’s her soulmate. A soulmate of love in a sexy bath of sexy sex.



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