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Five-Minute Celebrity Apprentice: “Off The Hook” March 28, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Celebrity Apprentice.

The Task:
Donald Trump: Here are two douchebags from CAN to tell you what to do.
CAN Douchebags: Shouldn’t that be “ACN”?
Donald Trump: Yeah, but Skippy’s spellchecker automatically changes it to CAN, so deal with it.
CAN Douchebags: Your task is to create a 30-second commercial for our videophone.
Audience: Videophone? Seriously? Have you heard of this little thing called an iPhone? Skype’s pretty awesome too.
Donald Trump: Choose your leaders!
Dionne Warwick: Marlee, don’t you use the videophone?
Marlee Matlin: You suck.
The Women: NeNe! Only you can handle Dionne!
The Men: Lil Jon! We’re awesome!
Lil Jon: YEEEAAH!!! And I’d like for you all to know that I absolutely have the perspicacity and tenacity to successfully complete this task. Thank you.
Dionne Warwick: I have an idea! Let’s have me in the commercial!
Lil Jon: We have to think outside the box!
CAN Douchebags: Yeah, but the commercial’s supposed to have heart. Pull at the heartstrings. Remember that, because we won’t bother to.
Jose Canseco: Can we have aliens? I really like aliens.
Lil Jon: We’ll make you gay. That alien enough for you?
Jose Canseco: Uhm, that wasn’t exactly what I had in mind…
NeNe Leakes: Okay, so the CAN douchebags have told us that we have to emphasize heart. They’ve said it about a dozen times, which means this is really what they want.
Marlee Matlin: Let’s have a kid video chatting with her deaf mother!
Dionne Warwick: I love what’s happening here!
Marlee Matlin: Is this furniture for the video shoot supposed to go here or there?
Dionne Warwick: Do you know the way to San Jose, hussy?
NeNe Leakes: Well, that didn’t last long.
Jose Canseco: Playing a gay is such a sacrifice. I deserve an Oscar or ‘roids. I’d prefer the ‘roids.
John Rich: Should we be doing this? Didn’t the CAN douchebags say to emphasize an emotional connection?
Lil Jon: We are! We’re emphasizing fear. YEAAH!
John Rich: Oh, dear.
Lil Jon: Put eyeliner on “Pablo!” It’s what The Gays wear! YEAAH!!
John Rich: We are so screwed.
Marlee Matlin: We’re awesome.
Don Trump: No, you’re not. Where’s Dionne?
Latoya Jackson: I think she told us to go fuck ourselves and then she left.
Ivanka Trump: So, guys, what are you doing?
Ivanka Trump: Good strategy.

The Presentation
Star Jones: CAN is the world’s largest direct-selling telecommunications provider…
Audience: What the fuck does that mean?
Star Jones: …and here’s our commercial!
Doofus Dad: This is the only acting job I’ll ever get!
Marlee Matlin: We love you honey.
Daughter: I love you too.
Dionne Warwick: I will cut you, you hussy!
Jose Canseco: If we piss someone off—like, say, the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation or the HRC, we’ll have made Apprentice history!
John Rich: Dude, I don’t think that’s a good thing.
Lil Jon: YEAAAH! WE’RE EDGY! Here’s our commercial.
Gay Tommy: Hey grandparents! I’m super excited to come out to you via a shitty telecommunications device!
Gary Busey: Where am I again?
Jose/Pablo: Hola. I am The Gay making sweet buttsex with your grandson.
Grandma: That image is not nearly as disturbing as sitting next to Gary Busey is.

The Boardroom
Donald Trump: 450 leaders of CAN Telecommunications Widgets were super excited to see your excellent commercials. Remember that. 450 people. All of whom were supposed to vote on which team won. Lil Jon, you have stage presence.
Lil Jon: We were awesome! YEAAAH!!! Additionally, the typical gendered and sexed narrative that this commercial sought to overturn merely reified the heteronormativity that is pervasive in American society.
Donald Trump: God, shut up. Yes, Richard the Gay?
Richard Hatch: Something tells me we won. I sense something. A presence I haven’t felt since…
Donald Trump: Ok, while Richard’s off with the Force, let’s talk about the risqué nature of your commercial.
Ivanka Trump: Ew! Two men! Doing it up the butt! EWWWW!
Donald Trump: My sentiments exactly.
Jose Canseco: Don’t show this to my dad!
Donald Trump: Everyone will see this. IT’S VIRAL!! NeNe, why are you crying?
NeNe Leakes: Because I know why you’re taking an hour to verbally fellate the men. They won, didn’t they?
Donald Trump: Aw, NeNe, you had a good commercial too. Yes, you did. It was really nice. Everyone loved it. I loved it. My hair loved it.
NeNe Leakes: So did we win?
Donald Trump: No.
Star Jones: Hell, was it even close?
Donald Trump: Yep. 53-47.
Star Jones: Well as long as it was—hey, what? 53-47? Where the hell were the other 350 votes?
Dionne Warwick: You mean the men win for doing the exact opposite of what the CAN douchebags wanted?
Latoya Jackson: Everyone is trying to control me!
NeNe Leakes: That’s ‘cause you’re a dumbfuck bobblehead who can’t keep time!
Marlee Matlin: What she said.
Donald Trump: Who do y’all want me to fire?
Everyone: Dionne. No. Seriously. DIONNE.
Dionne Warwick: Go ahead. Fire me. I dare you. I double-dog dare you, you hussy.
Donald Trump: Done. Dionne, you’re fired!
Dionne Warwick: NeNe, you coward, I will find you and I will haunt your dreams, your family, your life. You will never, ever have a moment’s rest or peace. Until you do right by me, everything you think about is gonna fail!
Donald Trump: Didn’t I just fire her? Why can I still hear her talking?



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