The Skippy Review

Congratulations New York! June 28, 2011

Fig. 1: New York, New York, it’s a helluva town!

As is my usual, I am late to the party, children. As pretty much everybody in the Western Hemisphere knows, New York became the sixth state to legalize gay marriage (or, as I like to call it, “marriage”). Six Republicans voted for the bill, and some pundits wondered if this signals a shift in the Republican party. I’m not holding my breath, for as long as dumbnuts like Newt Gingrich exist, the GOP will likely continue to pander to the bigots and oppose equalizing marriage.


Figs. 2, 3: And then there’s these fools.

Children, I realize that Teh Ghey can bring out some crazy reactions in people. If I had a dollar for every crack-headed comment I got from some blighted, blinkered moron regarding homosexuality, I’d be rich enough to buy a 2011 Acura RL.

Fig. 4: We should start a “Get Skippy an RL” fund. For every homophobic jackass comment, I get a dollar. I’ll be driving that car in no time flat!

Anyway, in the days leading to the state senate vote, imbeciles came out of the woodwork to oppose the bill. Their hyperbole was…astoundingly stupid. First up, New York Archbishop Timothy Dolan. He took to his blog, arguing that if Teh Gheys can get married, then the United States will become a communist state! You think I’m kidding, don’t you. Well, here you go:

Last time I consulted an atlas, it is clear we are living in New York, in the United States of America – not in China or North Korea. In those countries, government presumes daily to “redefine” rights, relationships, values, and natural law. There, communiqués from the government can dictate the size of families, who lives and who dies, and what the very definition of “family” and “marriage” means.

But, please, not here! Our country’s founding principles speak of rights given by God, not invented by government, and certain noble values – life, home, family, marriage, children, faith – that are protected, not re-defined, by a state presuming omnipotence.

Please, not here! We cherish true freedom, not as the license to do whatever we want, but the liberty to do what we ought; we acknowledge that not every desire, urge, want, or chic cause is automatically a “right.” And, what about other rights, like that of a child to be raised in a family with a mom and a dad?

Wow. This guy is a bucket of FAIL. His histrionics are so absurd, I hardly know where to begin. First, he claims that China and North Korea…do something bad. He’s not really clear. He doesn’t seem to have quite a grasp on logical argumentation. Without going into his overweening reliance upon a bigoted understanding of “natural law,” his whole assumption that the United States would turn into some totalitarian communist regime with the extension of marriage rights to gays and lesbians is utterly backward. The expansion of rights is the polar opposite of totalitarianism. Apparently, totalitarianism means something completely different in Dolan’s lexicon. Also, “rights” must mean something different in Dolan’s world. Then again, I’m fairly loath to take any advice regarding marriage or sex from a guy who thinks his deity says he can have neither.

Next up, we have David Tyree. He’s a retired NFL player who thought it in his purview to offer an opinion about gays getting married. He recorded a video for the National Organization for Marriage in which he outlines just how Teh Gheys getting gay married will destroy the fabric of our space-time continuum:

Fig. 5: Anarchy as defined by a moron.

Ok, really? This is the best that NOM could do in order to counter pro athletes who were coming out in support of the marriage equality act? Tyree seems to think that the extension of marriage rights to gays and lesbians leads to…something bad:

It’s about what’s right. It’s about how can marriage be marriage for thousands of years and now all of the sudden, because a minority, an influential minority, has a push or an agenda and totally reshapes something that was not founded in our country, not founded by man, it is something that is holy and sacred. I think there is nothing more honorable, worth fighting for, especially if we really care about our future generations.
What I know will happen if this does come forth is this will be the beginning of our country sliding toward, it is a strong word, but anarchy. The moment we have, if you trace back even to other cultures, other countries, that will be the moment where our society in itself loses its grip with what’s right. Marriage is one of those things that is the backbone of society. So if you redefine it, it changes the way we educate our children, it changes the perception of what is good, what is right, what is just.

Wow. What? Gays getting married will mean society will all of a sudden lose a grip on what’s right? Really? The thing about these bigots is that no amount of logical argumentation will work with them, for they will always invoke “nature” and “God.” Someone like David Tyree is incapable of presenting a argument against two men or women getting married that doesn’t rise above “Ew, icky!” However, he tries his best when he makes some sort of appeal to history. The only problem is this: his understanding of the history of marriage is woefully inadequate and ignores previous moments in which other familial arrangements were considered a “threat” to society. What does he think about single parents? Divorce? Blacks and whites getting married? Damn them for creating anarchy!

Oh, and David? Protip: Marriage hasn’t been the same for “thousands and thousands” of years. So, you might want to think about that the next time you’re pimped out by an organization of bigots.