Real Housewives of Atlanta: Same Screeching, Different Country

Last Time: Screeching chickens screeched in South Africa. NeNe wasn’t one of the screeching chickens. They saw animals and engaged in a bit of “philanthropy,” thus reinforcing the view of “Africa” as a benighted wasteland full of wildlife and poor black people. FUN!
The ladies ever so demurely sit down to take tea. However, there is no tea, so they drink white wine. I’m certain it is only the best that South Africa has to offer. As they take tea—I mean, wine, they reflect on the absolute blessing it is to Be An American and their burden to bring toilet paper to all the brown children in the world. Phaedra believes that this is a bonding moment and that the recent unpleasantness will soon be behind them.

She also believes that it is her duty to serve as a cultural ambassador, for not all of the ladies share her pedigree. Thus, she takes them to a museum based on Xhosa culture. The burden of enlightenment is such a heavy one! They meet a sangoma—an herbalist. He mentions bones, which offends the delicate sensibilities of our dear Phaedra. She wishes she had her holy oil and prayer cloth, for this ritual is not what proper women partake of. The sangoma tries to read Kandi and the Concubine, but since this ceremony doesn’t have a label attached to it, she really cannot be interested. Sangoma tells Sheree she is too old and will not get married. It’s in the bones. This is turning out to be a most decidedly uncomfortable cultural encounter.

The Concubine ever so gracefully shows the ladies all the sedate shoes and purses she brought. She brought 29 pairs of shoes. I’m gratified she was able to show such restraint. Over tea—I mean, wine, the ladies who lunch chat about providing domestic bliss. Carnal domestic bliss. Cynthia thinks the ladies are beginning to bond, but the Concubine and Kandi start a little tete-a-tete. Kandi finds the continued discussion of labels and brands déclassé. NeNe defends the Concubine’s honor, but the Concubine will not be defended! She LOVES FASHION! She loves it so much, she gets sick the next day. But, being a proper lady of breeding, she does not wish to go to an “African doctor.” She cannot go on safari. Cynthia: “I guess it’s gonna be a pretty quiet safari.” Phaedra thinks the sangoma put a hex upon the Concubine!

Julius the Patient takes the ladies—minus NeNe and the Concubine—on yet another safari. This affords “the Smalls” an opportunity to sway Cynthia to their noble cause. Kandi notes that Cynthia and she have similar backgrounds of proper breeding and taste. Sadly, it’s that which the Concubine lacks. How can she be so déclassé? Cynthia interviews that she feels The Smalls are more inviting. She and Kandi cannot visualize their dear absent Kim holding a poor black benighted baby in a poor, benighted orphanage. Surely this will not soon become a point of contention! As the ladies lunch, NeNe arrives, concerned that the Smalls will take the opportunity to convert Cynthia. This is a very war for Cynthia’s soul!

NeNe did not come to Africa to engage in distasteful conversation about a lady and is thus nonplussed with all of this unladylike talk about the Concubine. Why, obsessive concern about labels is perfectly normal, says Cynthia, to the surprise of the Smalls, who were convinced that they had convinced Cynthia of the error of her ways. Kandi: “She clearly has a different opinion when NeNe is around.”

The Smalls call Kim, so concerned are they for her welfare. Kim is doing her best to manage the Biermann estate. She reminisces about past unpleasantness with NeNe, but the subject soon turns to whether or not Kim would have come in the first place. Kandi is none too pleased with Sheree’s revelation to Kim of what Kandi and Cynthia said during the safari. Kim, reeling from these revelations, discusses this development with the help—I mean, her personal assistant, Sweetie. This does not bode well for future events.
As the ladies sit down to dinner, Kandi would like to discuss the recent conversation with Lady Kim. NeNe is quite amused by this: “So y’all had to get back and report to your boss?” Sheree would prefer that Kandi pull her aside and discuss this with her in private, as all ladies of proper taste and breeding do. But then, the conversation turns to the Concubine’s obsession with labels, but none of the other ladies will support Kandi in her correct observations. Cynthia notes that the more things change, the more they stay the same. Well, Lady Cynthia, if you’d had an ounce of a spine, perhaps things would have been different.