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Real Housewives of Atlanta: Let the Dead Bury the Dead March 12, 2012

Posted by Skippy in Real Housewives.
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Last Time: Africa might have been “life-changing,” but the Ladies Who Lunch came back to DRAAAMAAA!
We begin with the Lady Kim at the Biermann Estate as she tries desperately to maintain order and decorum in the home. Her slave assistant “Sweetie” is shiftless and trifling. What does this dynamic remind me of?


Fig. 1: Oh, yeah. This.

Our dear, put upon Kim reminds the viewer that she and her slave assistant have more of a friendship instead of a working relationship. Well, look who’s gotten all brand new since she landed a football player?

The Lady Kim bemoans her troubled home to her wig stylist. The slave assistant didn’t register the young ladies of the estate for school! She took too long to get food! She’s been rude to the young ladies of the manor! The Lady Kim is distracted to pieces and does not know what she must do! Oh, the dilemma. The wig stylist agrees: the slave assistant must be manumitted!

Speaking of brand new, Phaedra—who I’m really warming to—visits Willie Watkins’ Funeral Home (bet they’re loving this free publicity!) to get instruction on how to embalm and make-up a corpse. Phaedra names her model corpse “Anna Belle” and says she can’t wait to get her hands on a real corpse.

At Chez NeNe, Ne’er Do Well Bryson has been released from jail. She leaves it to Gregg to try to talk to him. He asks why he shoplifted. This boy is ten pounds of fucking stupid in a two-pound sack. He says that he needs to stop making dumb decisions, but that ain’t moving Gregg or NeNe. Idiot Bryson claims that he wants to “own a restaurant.” This boy is dumb. D-U-M-B. NeNe notes that if the divorce goes through, Gregg won’t be there for Idiot Bryson and Brent. NeNe says that it’s time for Idiot Bryson to move out—she’s tired of yelling and screaming at him.

Oh, hell, I guess we had to visit the Lady Cynthia and her Old Man, Papa Smurf. He’s planning their one-year anniversary, which, by the way, they’re over budget. Papa Smurf tells Lady Supermodel that “the type of people they roll with” expect for a one-year anniversary party to be ridiculously expensive…which is why he might have to borrow money from her. Here we go with the stupidity of new money. Oh, and he also doesn’t want Supermodel’s Not-Really-Evil Sister Mal in the car with them. Gee, I wonder what this evening’s drama will be?

Oh, hai, Mal! She’s back in town and ready for DRAAMAA! She tries to ask some sense into her stupid sister’s head, but we’ve heard this song before, haven’t we? She flat-out calls Papa Smurf an “asshole,” which pisses off the Lady Cynthia, so she strikes back by telling her she can’t ride in the limo. DRAAMAA!

Papa Smurf is on the phone, yelling at The Limo Company…because the limo ain’t there! Oh, no! Y’know, I think they might be putting a bit too much into this one-year anniversary party business.

THE FESTIVITIES BEGIN! All the C and D-List stars of Atlanta are there, clamoring for free food and camera time. Only thing is, there isn’t much food. At least there’s plenty of cheap booze! The Lady Supermodel is having her weave styled, and it makes her look like Dracula and Cleopatra Jones had a supermodel lovechild. NeNe shows up, wearing a hideous outfit and trying to show off, but the men are NOT impressed. As NeNe sidles up to Marlo the Concubine, they begin squealing and schmoozing each other. Just in view is a tastefully dressed woman who smirks and gives them the most awesome side-eye ever. If I were at that party, she and I would be shit talking the HELL out of NeNe and the Concubine…who happens to not be with the afflicted football player anymore. Oh, no, children, she’s “traded up,” which in the parlance of this show seems to mean “she’s now dating a white guy.” NeNe, who claims to be also dating a white man (O RLY?) interviews, “White is right, and I think it’s great.” I can’t even with that statement, because the DRAAMAA begins with the entrance of the Wicked Sister and Mother. The Evil Mother flat-out says she didn’t think Supermodel and Papa Smurf would make it a whole year…she’s “excited” that they made it, but immediately begins shit-talking Papa Smurf. Lady Supermodel claims that this $10,000 one-year anniversary party was a “small budget.” Bitch, that’s foolish.

Speaking of foolish, the Concubine explains why she isn’t with the afflicted football player, even though it’s not really much of an explanation. I’ve got a theory: New Dude has more money than Old Dude.

Sheree arrives…and shit ain’t far behind. Lawrence wants to get the tea from the Concubine about her dropping the F-bomb in South Africa…and the Concubine lies through her teeth. Straight up lies. Bitch, IT’S ON TAPE. Lawrence is not buying the shit that the Concubine is selling.

IT’S. ON. TAPE.

Kandi notes that Sheree loves to throw people under the bus…but won’t woman up and say straight up that the Concubine said the shit she said.

But back to the main shit of the evening, Papa Smurf straight up disses Malorie in front of everyone. See, new money. He has no class whatsofuckingever. Malorie is in tears. Does Cynthia apologize? Tell Papa Smurf he needs to get his ass in check? NO. Malorie tells Cynthia that she needs to stop taking up for that overbearing asswipe. And she does, cause that? Was some bullshit.

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