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Real Housewives of Atlanta: “Unlikely Duos” January 9, 2012

Posted by Skippy in Real Housewives.

Last Time: Kandi wants to do country. Phaedra wants to start a funeral home. Cynthia wants her husband to stop being a dick. Everybody wants to rule the world.

Happy New Year, children! Let’s see what these hot messes have in store for us in the year of our doom 2012! We begin with Phaedra, Prince Ayden and Pastor Regina. I wonder if Pastor Regina knows about Ridickulous? Phaedra is still talking about doing this funeral home thing. Pastor Regina is excited about it…because she thinks she can get on board with this. Well, Apollo sure as hell ain’t on board. Phaedra wants to produce funerals with PIZAZZ. All righty then.

We shuffle right on over to Cynthia and Papa Smurf. They’re going to salsa lessons, but Cynthia’s still butthurt from Papa Smurf’s absence at that tacky assed party for her tacky assed modeling school or whatever the hell the Bailey Agency is supposed to be. Papa Smurf says that they don’t have fun anymore. Show of hands—when did we ever see this couple having fun? Cynthia says their major problem is communication. He says that he doesn’t like to say goodbye—even if he’s just leaving a tacky assed party. Is this a salsa lesson or a therapy session? Both of them double down on the crazy. Finally, “Andrea” brings her ass into the scene for this odd salsa lesson—-and then we go to commercial. Oy, vey.

When we come back, we’re now visiting Kim and her family. Kim’s wearing a dress that is really showing off her breasts. Kroy’s Fine Ass is wandering around this giant house that his money is barely going to be able to pay for. His face is frozen in blank horror as Kim eats up all his signing bonus on Versace place settings ($500 per setting). Brielle is becoming Bitchelle. Kroy’s Fine Ass tries to turn into Kroy’s Hard Ass. Ariana continues fulfilling her role as The Good Daughter. Kim, you really need to curb your spending habits before Kroy’s Fine Ass sends your ass packing.

What? We’re in Nashville? I wonder why? Oh, yes. We’re here to see Kandi claim that Jo Dee Messina “invited” her to write a song with her. I really don’t understand this happening. What is happening here? Anyway, Kandi sings a song she’s written, and Jo Dee has a frozen grin on her face that is all, “No.” She lies and says it’s good stuff. It so fucking isn’t. Has Kandi ever listened to country music? EVER?

NeNe is having lunch with Marlo the Concubine. NeNe says that she does not have beef with the Concubine. They begin talking about the Irrelevant Football Player. The Concubine is trying for all she’s worth to be a new Housewife. NeNe interviews that she’ll never fight over another dude. Well, I hope not, especially Irrelevant Football Player, because he looks afflicted.

Fig. 1: Ladies, please do not fight over this man. Seriously. Come on.

Anyway, the Concubine says that she’s been arrested seven times. NeNe: “Now say what now?” She says she thinks that the Concubine is real. Real crazy, I betcha. The Concubine says she doesn’t like drama…which means that bitch ain’t nothing BUT drama.

Fig. 2: Moral of the story: don’t mess with crazy.

Speaking of, Sheree shows up to help Kim get her pre-baby body back. Sheree’s like, “Damn, I’ll never see anything like this!” She interviews that she didn’t have much luck snagging a professional athlete. No shit. Sheree tries to get that beweaved idiot to work out, but Kim complains the entire fucking time. Sheree: “I don’t think that Kim will ever be as dedicated to health and fitness as I am…” She is the master of the understatement this episode, isn’t she? She tries to motivate Kim by referencing Kroy’s Fine Ass—if that doesn’t get her doing some crunches, I don’t know what will.

Moving on…we’re now at Willie Watkins’s Funeral Home again. Phaedra is trying to get the Hot Piece of Ass intrigued in the mortuary business. Why the hell is she going to Watkins to ask for business advice? And why the hell is Bravo putting subtitles on everything Willie is saying? He’s speaking English. Jesus, Bravo. I will say this: HPoA is cutting a nice figure in a suit. Mmm HM.

We’re back in Nashville at some country store. Kandi remarks that she’ll be the only black person in the store. She also interviews that she thinks she has country swag. This is stupid.

NeNe goes to the “Captain Planet Foundation Jewelry Fundraiser.” THE HELL? Captain Planet?!?

Fig. 3: Is the real Captain Planet gonna have to choke a bitch?

Anyway, it’s weird for NeNe to hang out with the Concubine as she’s hanging around these shady people. I don’t believe this is an actual charity for a minute. Anyway, this is allegedly related to Ted Turner. This is some bullshit. NeNe says she doesn’t need a $25,000 pair of earring, which is correct because she fucking can’t afford them. Frankly, I think the Concubine “invited” NeNe to this soiree to let NeNe know who’s boss and who’s really got the funds.

HPoA shows up to Phaedra’s office with flowers. He claims that he doesn’t want to be tainted by working with dead bodies. He’s nice to look at, but he really ought not speak. Anyway, he surprisingly decides to support Phaedra’s Fantasy Funerals. Aren’t you surprised? I was surprised. Totally. Completely.

Anyway, Cynthia and Papa Smurf visit some one-off church to get some counseling from Pastor Pollard. He whips out his iPad and I’m irritated. Because I don’t have one. Anyway, they blather about their individual lunacies. Pollard strings words together in an incomprehensible sentence. Then both Papa Smurf and Cynthia begin hurling sentences at each other. These idiots seem to think that marriage is always supposed to be wine and roses, but I truly couldn’t care less. I’ve got shit in my refrigerator that has a longer shelf life than this marriage.



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