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Real Housewives of Atlanta: “New Tricks” December 18, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Real Housewives.
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Last Time: Kim brings home a baby, Kandi brings useless drama, Sheree brings Phaedra business, and Bob the Ex brings a surprise motion. Everybody gets something!

Tonight’s “supersized” episode begins with Phaedra Parks, Attorney at Law, getting those billable hours from Sheree. Phaedra has on too much goddamn eyeshadow. Sheree is pissed about the last time in court, but Phaedra thinks things are going well. Phaedra lets Sheree know that she is handling the business she needs to handle, but Sheree thinks that Bob is two steps ahead. Phaedra puts it down: “You didn’t put money down until the day before.” Sheree gon’ find out that Phaedra don’t play. Phaedra pretty much says, “Bitch, you need to find another lawyer.” Good move. Sheree tries to act like she was going to fire Phaedra. Bitch, please.

At Casa de Kim, Kroy’s Fine Ass is just…around. Anyway, Kim is planning on moving in with Kroy’s Fine Ass. Kim meets with an interior designer to spend up more of Kroy’s Fine Ass’s money. Oh, they’re moving into a 17,000 square foot house. She really is down with the 99%, that Kim.

Cynthia and Papa Smurf show up at some typical Atlanta art event. She invited the rest of the cast to the show, saying she wants to bring more New York class to Atlanta. Sheree interviews that she loves art and clothes. What up with that clothing line, Sheree? NeNe shows up in a hideous outfit…as does the Concubine (her name is Marlo). Cynthia claims that Marlo the Concubine is “high society.” Kandi spreads shit about the Concubine’s claim about God giving her money. To her credit, she does say this to the Concubine’s face. Kandi interviews, “Does she blow to get money?”

The next filmed day, Cynthia is doing a photo shoot. She claims that she and Papa Smurf were “selected” by “hot” photographer Drexina (is she Romulan?) as a hot couple, so they decide to pimp the soon to fail Bar One. Papa Smurf tells Cynthia that her invites to her School of Beauty will not get where they need to be when they need to. Cynthia whines that she needs Papa Smurf to call Malorie to mail out the invites posthaste. He ain’t trying to hear that. Papa Smurf notes that he’s failed 99 times. Gurl, you too old to keep failing.

It’s moving day for Kim! I hope to various deities that Kroy is making massive amounts of money and has phenomenal stats. I mean, a 17,000 square foot house? Anyway, Kim micromanages the movers and fusses over her wigs. Kroy’s Fine Ass looks like he’s beginning to regret some things. Anyway, Bravo reminisces over life at the townhouse…over the past couple of seasons. They even included the DJ Tracy faux-lesbianism nonsense. It’s so obviously contrived.

NeNe is trying to talk some sense into her son Dumb Ass. Bryson is 22 and aimless. NeNe wants him to show some kind of firing synapses and hopes that he is wearing condoms when he has sex. Who would let that on top of them? NeNe interviews that Bryson has grown up more in the past year. Good for him. At least he has a decent haircut now.

Don Juan, Kandi’s Manager tells Kandi to stop doing non-profit work for stupid people—specifically, Kim and Lawrence. I guess Lawrence’s sub-subplot went nowhere fast. He’s all, “Heffa, we need to be making money!” Kandi wants to do a country album. Wha–? Don Juan and Kandi talk in very oblique ways and say that country music is pretty much “Whites Only.” Honey, stick with what you know.

Anyway, at Kroy’s Fine Assed Home, the interior designer wants to finish the house. It’s allegedly the same day…but now it’s night. Where the fuck do they live? In another state? Again, this is some editing bullshit. Kroy’s Fine Ass is all, “Um, how much is this shit costing me?” The baby’s bedroom is so tacky. So tacky. I can’t even describe it.

Oh, wait. It gets worse. Ariana’s bedroom is worse. And Brielle’s bedroom is five times worse than that. This is nouveau riche run amok. Kim is happy that she found a football player to make all her dreams come true. Aw, aren’t you just happy that the gold digger found the right pot of gold?

Kandi’s in the recording studio when she gets a Skype call from Jo Dee Messina. They talk about Lil’Ronnie writing a country song, since he wrote a “hit” for American Idol scourge Scotty McCreery. Anyway, Jo Dee isn’t really crazy about country ballads. Kandi notes that not many African Americans have gotten into country. No shit, Sherlock. Lil’Ronnie is all, “No, we won’t be doing any man bashing songs.”

Malorie walks into Cynthia’s and has a cup full of ‘tude. Cynthia notes that people don’t think models are smart. Well, honey, you ain’t busting that curve. Cynthia whines that people didn’t RSVP so she doesn’t know how many people are coming to her whatever event. She’s really stressed, so of course, she begins crying—right as the poor make-up gay is trying to do her damn make-up. Kelvin the Make-Up Gay is all, “Bitch, take five seconds and breathe so I can finish this shit!” Malorie really isn’t helping to alleviate the stress. Those two are going to be great friends when they get older.

Cynthia is concerned that people might not show up to her soiree…but she need not worry. There are people at this event! Including Regina Belle, recording artist! Malorie bitches that Papa Smurf is there for the fun, but not for the work. Mal, I think you missed the point. Kandi shows up, wearing shit that is too goddamn tight. So, I think what she’s doing is a school of modeling. Will there be houses? Like Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw? Anyway, Cynthia lets Kandi know that in New York, Center of Culture, everyone RSVPs, unlike the bumpkins in Atlanta. She also hopes that NeNe and Kim don’t start shit.

Phaedra: “If Cynthia can trick em into paying her some money to think that they gon’ be models and hopefully build their self esteem so that they can go to school and be a lawyer or a doctor or something else that is guaranteed money, then it’s a great concept. Mm hm.”

The Concubine arrives. I bet she wants to be a housewife. She stands next to Phaedra to take pictures. Disinterested, Apollo walks off. Sheree interviews that Cynthia needs to put on the A/C. Kim and Kroy arrive. She hopes that Moose NeNe doesn’t show up and she interviews without a trace of irony, “I don’t really know Marlo, but I’ve heard that Marlo sleeps with wealthy men and they give her money or buy her nice things. Who does that?” Presented without comment.

Enter the Moose. NeNe arrives, and Kim notes that this is the first time that she’s been in the same room with her. Kandi overhears NeNe say that she used to be a model: “NeNe says she used to be a model, which…well, she’s really tall.” HA! Anyway, Concubine out the blue goes in on Kandi about the questions about her money. Kim: “Marlo got her money from God. Ha! No, bitch. God gave you a hole for you to make your money from.” Anyway, Concubine acts like she’s got dirt on Kandi, claiming that she’s heard that Kandi’s a sugar mama. Oooooh!

Kroy’s Fine Ass finds all this humorous. Everyone finds Concubine’s explanation of how she got her money foolish. Kim finds this drama tiresome, so she leaves the premises. Hell, if I had Kroy’s Fine Ass, we’d have just stopped in to say hi, have a drink and then back to the house. I am just saying.

I also note that everyone is fanning themselves. I guess Sheree is right—the A/C either isn’t on or it isn’t working. Speaking of not working, Cynthia can’t find Papa Smurf for her big moment. So sad. So very, very sad. Well, see y’all next week!

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