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Three Wigs and a Baby December 12, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Real Housewives.
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Last Time: Kim? Still pregnant. NeNe? Still separated. Cynthia? Still modeling. Sheree? Still divorced. Phaedra? Still lawyering. Everyone’s the same hot mess they were the week before.

Kim and Kroy’s Fine Ass trundle off to the hospital. I still don’t get why she has a personal assistant. Dr. Hood tells Kim that she’s got preeclampsia and they’re sending her to the hospital. Kim notes that her last delivery was pretty rough. Kroy’s Fine Ass clearly has never dealt with a pregnant woman before, because they start arguing. He really needs to be “Honey, whatever you want. I’m here for you.”

Cynthia is packing for a New York trip and NeNe’s coming along. That really makes Papa Smurf happy. Anyway, she’s going to meet Russell Simmons and claims that back in the day, she dated him. Mm hm.

Fig. 1: You never miss your water, right, Cynthia?

Sheree is still pretending to be building an 8,000 square foot house. She’s now enlisted her mother in this charade and is using this cleared lot as a backdrop for her telling her mother about her ex-husband’s chicanery. Mama Thelma tells Sheree that she had to take her ex-husband’s sorry ass to court too. Fun times!

Cynthia claims she wants to be financially independent and can’t have her fledgling modeling agency fail. Why doesn’t she contact Tyra? Anyway, Cynthia wants NeNe to tell her why she’s up here in NYC. She’s going to meet a “business partner.” She also thinks that this “business partner” wants some other business. Cynthia is going to have lunch with Russell. She claims he proposed to her when she was 18. Clearly, this was well before Kimora.

Fig. 2: Cynthia, U MAD?

Phaedra calls a client and tells him to get his ass to court. Client Dave shows up late. He looks stupid as hell. His charge? Excessive window tint…and possession of marijuana. He’s got priors, so Judge Freeman is going to come down hard; he has no tolerance for drugs—but he’s got tolerance for cameras! Since he “knows” Phaedra, he’s going to sentence Client Dave to a somewhat hefty fine. Can you just smell the Judge Freeman television show? Oh, by the by, Client Dave pays Phaedra…IN CASH. Ok, that’s some shady shit that just got shown on television. Phaedra. Honey. We need to talk. Is accepting drug money kosher in the legal profession?

Cynthia meets Russell. Why does he wear those hideous baseball caps? Anyway, they chat about the past. He cheated on her back in the day, allegedly. She tells him about her useless modeling money trap and tries to pass Russell off as being the person to go to about models. Right. And people go to you, Cynthia, for advice about the hip hop industry.

Kim wants Kroy’s Fine Ass to calm her down. He grins stupidly. He finally begins to understand his role. The nurse asks her “Are you going to wear that wig during delivery?” They get ready for the epidural and Kim hopes that it works this time.

Oh, hai, Kandi! Mama Joyce ain’t pissed anymore, because she’s visiting Kandi to get photos taken for a seniors dating site. Kandi decides it’s time to break out the girdle. Mama Joyce tells Kandi she looks like a drag queen. I like Mama Joyce.

Sheree goes…home? Where the fuck is this? Anyway, she’s been served! Douchebag Bob wants to modify child support, prompting Sheree to call Mama Thelma and have a totally non-private conversation about how awful Douchebag Bob is in front of Kairo, who is playing video games. She makes him a sandwich…ain’t he old enough to make a sandwich for his damn self?

Back in New York, NeNe meets John Something or other. NeNe says he’s good at starting businesses. She and John have come up with an idea for a lounge—the Lenethia Lounge. How about just Lenethia? Anyway, NeNe hopes that John Something Or Other sticks to business. This is some boring ass shit. Does anyone think that this guy is anything other than a flaming homosexual? Oh, just me then?

Cynthia struts her ass down an oddly empty New York street to meet the formerly fat fuck who helped plan her wedding. They talk about how awesome NYC is and how Podunk Atlanta is. People are materialistic in Atlanta but totes down to earth in NYC. Who knew? They have more boring conversation. I am convinced that Cynthia is the kind of person who needs to have people constantly tell her that she’s the most awesomest person in the world.

Kim still ain’t passed that new baby yet. The reality of a new humanoid begins to sink in in Kroy’s Fine Ass. Too late to run now, Kroy’s Fine Ass! During the commercial break, Kim had the baby. Kroy’s Fine Ass and Kim recount the emotional emotionalism of emotionally having an emotional baby. Kroy Jr. is here. We then get a Bravo recap of their…um, romance? Kim claims to feel complete, now that she has this new baby. Yeah, fuck those other two kids.

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