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Real Housewives of Atlanta: “Whine Bar” December 5, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Real Housewives.

Last Time: Papa Smurf is opening another bar and writing checks, Kim and Kroy’s Fine Ass are gonna have a baby, and Phaedra ruins a tacky birthday party with a tacky male stripper. Kandi’s mother is not pleased.

We begin with Kandi at her boutique. Phaedra brings cake as an apology for that tacky ass male stripper. She needs to apologize to Mama Joyce. These bitches must be some of the most sex-deprived heffas in the world, because all they can talk about is the tacky ass male stripper and his penis. Speaking of tacky, they then bitch about NeNe and then Papa Smurf.

Cynthia is at some fashion show. I already don’t care. Cynthia is emceeing it and Phaedra and Hot Piece of Ass show up…as does Lawrence, still trying to evoke the Thunderdome. This time, he’s wearing a sparkly shirt and an ear-to-ear chain. It looks stupid. Anyway, Cynthia can’t do public speaking to save her damn life. It is a festival of fail. Phaedra: “You want to look at models, not hear them.”
Anyway, the drama begins when some football player and his concubine stroll in. Phaedra drops some gossip by saying that NeNe might have cheated on Gregg with this football player. Phaedra lies and says she ain’t one to gossip. Neither is Bonita Butrell.

Fig. 1: Phaedra takes her cues from this woman.

Cynthia and Evil Mom and Sister meet at the Bailey Non-Agency. Maleficent has a sour puss like nobody’s business, but then who wouldn’t if Cynthia was their sister? She and Cynthia get right into it. Evil Mom is all “Y’all still at it? Ugh.” Cynthia goes straight for the weak spot by invoking Maleficent’s possible marriage problems. Evil Mom wants to know when Bar One is going to open. Cynthia says that there are investor problems and Maleficent is all “Here we fucking go again.” She starts crying. “You promised. You said you’d never go back to being broke.” Gurl. Let Cynthia do Cynthia. If she’s gonna be stupid, that’s on her. I’m really rooting for Maleficent.

Sheree is playing soccer with her chil’ren. Lovely. Ah, but enter Bob Whitfield, ex-husband. It’s a rare occurrence for him to actually give a shit about his family. Apparently, it was an ugly divorce. Well, Bob himself is ugly as ten hells. Did he get hit a LOT? I mean, damn. He isn’t just ugly. He’s EXTRA ugly. Sheree badgers him about child support and doesn’t believe him saying that he doesn’t have it. Gurl. Take his fugly ass to court and be done with him. He says, “Do it!” She says she’s put it off for four years, and Bob says he ain’t paying her nothing—at which point, Sheree throws some water on him and sashays away. Does she think she’s Angela Bassett in “Waiting To Exhale”? I bet she does.

Fig. 2: There can be only one Angela Bassett.

Oh, hai, Kim! She’s got two weeks to go before delivering the Love Child. She talks to Briellla or Brunhilda or Brioche or whatever the fuck her oldest daughter’s name is. They really have an ugly dog. Their conversation doesn’t interest me; it’s just that boring.

Anyway, back to Cynthia and her travails with Papa Smurf. Bar One is totally in the ‘hood. They try to pretend it ain’t, but it absolutely is. Anyway, Cynthia tries to pass off the fiction that NeNe is a “huge celebrity.” Well, she is huge. But a celebrity? No. Bar One is not done—it looks like a hot mess, yet Papa Smurf wants to have a “preview” and that NeNe, Huge Celebrity, will be there to schmooze. Cynthia asks about Papa Smurf’s investors, to which Papa Smurf replies, “I’m a man’s man.”

What the fuck does that have to do with anything?

Whatever. Shut the fuck up, Papa Smurf. Cynthia says she can’t be a full partner in this new enterprise. Papa Smurf ensures that Evil Mom and Sister don’t show up to ruin Bar One’s preview of tackyness.
Sheree meets with Phaedra to discuss her legal options. Billable hours! Sheree is indeed upset about this predicament. Phaedra tries to activate her emotion chip.

Kandi decides to visit Mama Joyce, who is still salty about the Ridickulous Fiesta. Kandi apologizes. Mama Joyce reads Kandi but good. “I might be your homegirl, but I’m your mother, first.” Wisdom from Mama Joyce. But damn if she doesn’t seem like the kind of person who can hold a grudge.

This gathering at Bar One just looks foolish. People are milling about and shit ain’t done, and the AC isn’t working. Cynthia shows up looking like Brokeahantas. Football Dude and Concubine are there, thus ensuring that drama is on its way. Lawrence and Sheree drive, looking for Bar One; he calls it Bar None. Sheree: “Who has a party in Atlanta on a hot summer night with no air conditioning?” Phaedra: “Bar One will be successful; ‘cause hood folks gotta drink too.” Anyway, Cynthia wants to know how he got money to “finish” Bar One. I guess we’ll find out in the gossip blogs.

But where’s NeNe? She’s the co-host? DRAMA. Anyway, Papa Smurf unveils a picture of Cynthia in a photoshopped afro wig. It’s as tacky as that pitiful bar. NeNe texts that she has had a wardrobe malfunction, but the implication is that she’s avoiding Football Player and Concubine. So then Football Player adds to the drama by talking to the cackling hens. He is so irrelevant.

But where’s NeNe? LATE. Oooh, DRAMA! She swans around like she was there on time, the whole time. Football Player stokes bullshit, but NeNe says that everything you heard about this Charles Grant is a lie. As if I cared.



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