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Real Housewives of Atlanta: “Jewels Be Dangled” November 28, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Real Housewives.
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Last time: NeNe is rich, Sheree is jealous and building a big assed house, Peter is pissed at Cynthia’s fam, and then starts shit with Apollo. Everyone is still crazy as hell.

We begin our excursion into crazy town with Phaedra visiting Kim in the aftermath of the Baby Shower of Doom. Phaedra tries to sell Kim some bullshit about everyone being on their best behavior, but Kim visually cuts her off with an eyeroll. Phaedra obliquely apologizes for HPoAs behavior, and then they talk shit about Papa Smurf’s cheapness, lateness and overall stupidity. And then they talk about baby stuff. Fun!

More fun is had when we switch to Cynthia and Evil Sister Malorie visiting Papa Smurf’s new hangout, Bar One. Cynthia says that she wants them to talk. Papa Smurf says “Wowww,” which is old man speak for “I don’t really want to talk to this bitch, but you won’t give me nookie if I don’t.” He takes them around Bar One and tries to make small talk with Evil Sister. They’re both passive aggressive bitches. He asks Cynthia if he’s being forced to talk about Evil Sister and Mom’s attempt to sabotage the wedding. They talk awkwardly. Again, both of them are passive aggressive bitches. Evil Sister claims that Cynthia is her business—and then the bitchy claws come out on both sides. “All you’re thinking about is yourself!” Papa Smurf proclaims. Then Cynthia swans in to put a kibosh on the stupidity. I don’t know what she expected to happen. Did she expect rainbows and glitter? Evil Sister Malorie realizes that she’s a bitter spinster bitch from hell…oh, wait. She totally doesn’t.

Anyway, Kandi rolls up in a fly Benz and entirely too tight pants. Honey, stop it. She’s throwing a 35th birthday party, so she and Phaedra and Sheree check out a Midtown hotel to serve as the venue for the party. They try to justify this extravagance as a “mid-milestone” party. Whatever helps y’all sleep at night. Kandi says she invited NeNe and Family Old Fart, to Sheree and Phaedra’s chagrin, respectively. Kandi leaves so Phaedra can tell Sheree that she’s got a special gift for her. I wonder what could it be. I wonder. Could it be something having to do with men and sex and sex and men? The million promos for this episode were so vague.

It’s now time for NeNe to hang out with Kandi and Derek, the geigh apparent. They chit and chat about her party…and Kim. NeNe: “I think that Kandi genuinely wanted a friendship, and I think that Kim wanted a song—a hit song.” Anyway, they then turn to Kroy’s Fine Ass, to which NeNe says, “That ain’t about shit.” Kandi tells NeNe that Sheree and Phaedra will be at this party. Derek, geigh apparent, foolishly thinks that friendships could be rekindled. He’s still new to this Real Housewives thing. He will learn.

Back at Casa De Kim, she and Kroy’s Fine Ass meet with a “baby consultant.” She doesn’t know what to do with a male child. They discuss circumcision and she acts like she doesn’t know shit about it—bitch, YOU’RE A NURSE. Yes, I’m shouting. Didn’t her ass learn about such things in nursing school? Anyway, Kim doesn’t want her male child “with a turtleneck” around his penis. Foolishness.

NeNe goes to visit Cynthia—didn’t they just hang out? Anyway, Papa Smurf is talking to an “investor” who passed off a bad $40,000 check. Ok, I don’t give a shit about NeNe and Cynthia’s shit right now. Who the fuck passes off a BAD $40,000 CHECK?!?

NeNe mentions that she and Gregg had sex. All righty then! They then talk about Evil Sister Malorie and the wedding foolishness. NeNe interviews that Cynthia needs to set boundaries. She also needs to grow the fuck up. Anyway, Papa Smurf’s phone rings, marking his timely exit from this scene.

At Sheree’s construction site, she is irritated with the lack of progress on her new house. Phaedra notes that contractors are full of shit, so she puts Andrew the Contractor on notice. Andrew the Contractor says that once obstacles are cleared, the house will go up quickly—that always inspires confidence. They engage in ridiculous sexism and then get back to talking about this stupid house. This is just plain stupid.

Anyway, at Cynthia’s fledgling modeling agency, Evil Sister Malorie shows up…with her basketball playing husband! I thought she was a bitter, single spinster! Where the hell did he come from? Oh, France. He plays b-ball in France. Cynthia inveigles Malorie to be her receptionist. She’s really enthused about this—except that she’s totally not. Malorie, why don’t you and your husband Chris just expatriate and leave this dumb assed supermodel to her sad, self-deluded life? Evil Sister tries to counsel Cynthia…but then Cynthia turns into Evil Sister and totally goes there. She hints broadly that Mal is having marital issues. Oh, no she di’int! Cynthia says she and her sister never fight, which I don’t believe for a second. They have some serious envy issues going on.

It’s Kandi’s birfday! Go Kandi, it’s your birthday! Don Juan sits and watches Kandi get way too much eyeshadow put on. Kandi wants a man. She says that if she ain’t got a man by 37, she’s going to a sperm bank. Doesn’t she already have a kid? Why does she need another one? Phaedra is looking rather decent. Kandi, however, is wearing a fuschia dress. It’s too short, too tight, too bright. It’s hideous. Speaking of hideous, Lawrence shows up looking like the Thunderdome. Derek looks presentable, which means he will always be the geigh apparent—we don’t need another hero, Derek. Sheree shows up, looking like she just came from the gym. All the women show up, and soon sequester themselves into their camps. Phaedra: “It seems like it was two sects: the Crips and the Bloods.” Kandi calls the two groups “the United States” and “Europe.” There are two white people in the background who are all, “What the hell is happening and how did we get invited to this? What is this anyway?” So Phaedra unveils her present…


Fig. 1: Happy Birthday! Here’s your present, a tacky, oily stripper!

He looks hideous, but his name is Ridickulous. Apparently, he can suck his own penis. Well, good for him. Kandi’s mama is NOT pleased. Frankly, no one is really pleased with Ridickulous. Kandi’s mama: “That’s fucked up! I don’t like no damn strippers—I ain’t never liked no damn strippers!” People start rolling out of the party. Well. I am not opposed to strippers, but if you’re going to have strippers, please, PLEASE make sure the stripper has a modicum of class and for the love of all that’s sensible, make sure he DOESN’T dip his penis into your drink. Keep it classy, people.


Fig. 2: When a guest has this expression on their face, please tell the stripper to leave. It’s just courtesy.

Really, Phaedra, Kandi and Sheree are the only people enjoying the stripper. Kandi’s Mama is for real pissed. She goes straight OFF: “That wasn’t cool at all! That was very degrading; this wasn’t the place for that!” Happy 35th birthday, Kandi!

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