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Real Housewives of Atlanta: “Surprisingly Rich” November 14, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Real Housewives.
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Last Time: Phaedra sees dead people, Kim sees Kroy’s Fine Ass, and NeNe and Sheree both see red.

It’s a little early in the season for an out of town excursion, but whatever. NeNe, Kandi and Cynthia go to Miami…and reminisce on the good times of Kim and NeNe’s big fight. NeNe calls Atlanta “Haterville.” Oh, NeNe. Kandi says that NeNe has a history of flipping out—of course she does. Don’t you remember? I guess that lack of sex is causing amnesia.

Anyway, back in the ATL, Kroy’s Fine Ass is planning Kim’s baby shower with Sweetie. Kim can’t get over the fact that she is 33 and snagged a 25 year old football player. Kroy’s Fine Ass notes that Kim is “denting on the wallet.” Honey, two words: PRE-NUPTUIAL AGREEMENT. Don’t say I didn’t warn you, boy.

Anyway, Phaedra capitalizes on her dead aunt’s funeral and says that she’s inspired to pursue “mortuary sciences.” Um, what. Anyway. She meets with Willie the Funeral Groundskeeper and he tells her, “Heffa, show some damn compassion before taking all their money. And pull your skirt down, you tramp.” Phaedra pulls out a prayer cloth and covers up her legs and says that she always carries her prayer cloth and holy oil. Kim: “I can’t believe Phaedra’s going into the funeral business. I mean, aren’t you a lawyer? Where the fuck did that come from?” Indeed, Kim. Indeed. Moving on, Phaedra snoots at a tin casket. She notes that Willie might be convinced that she has all the compassion of a rock, but she says, “But I know I’m a natural at comforting people at their time of need, especially if their insurance policy is in force.” Honestly, I think she’s playing a character. No one like this could exist in the real world. She also claims to have been a friend of the King family. I guess she knows she can’t say she marched on Washington or Selma, so this is the next best pretentious thing.

Back in Miami, Kandi stirs some shit up by bringing up the fight between Sheree and NeNe. NeNe says that she indeed is rich, to which Kandi’s all, “Really?” NeNe thinks that Sheree and Kim conspired against her. Kandi is not buying it. Cynthia really doesn’t care, but Kandi gets foolish—-she’s all, “Don’t be a sourpuss.” Um, honey bunches of oats? YOU BROUGHT UP THE FIGHT. Cynthia doesn’t want to talk about it. Well, the subject, she is changed when two lesbians show up and say, “Um, hey, y’all? It’s Lesbian Pride down here.” NeNe doesn’t understand lesbians. Well, add that to the list. She adds that she’s strictly dickly. As am I, NeNe. As am I.

Sheree takes her son shoe shopping and hand-wrings about Kairo (you read that right) not having a father figure and being shy around other people. Here’s a start; DON’T WEAR SHIRTS THAT SAY “I ❤ ME.” Now, I ain’t saying you need to be in a burqa, but dress like you’re a goddamn adult. Jesus.

Why the fuck is NeNe looking at houses in Miami? This heffa goes to look at a NINE MILLION DOLLAR house. Where the fuck does NeNe have nine million dollars?
Oh, that’s right. SHE DOESN’T.
Kandi does try to talk a bit of sense into NeNe’s head. “Do you have a financial planner helping you?” She says she does, but I don’t believe her. Then they go to the beach. I can see Nene’s areolas through her swim suit, but NeNe says that Kandi’s thighs were “huuuuuuge.” Um, Ms. Leakes? I CAN SEE YOUR NIPPLES. THROUGH YOUR SWIMSUIT. They talk about sex. Cynthia says “I’m a married woman; I can’t be running around talk that kind of stuff!” Bitch, you didn’t talk about it before you were married! They then play Frisbee with two boring men.

Back in the ATL. Kim and Sheree meet for a meal. They talk. About NeNe, of course.

Phaedra and Hot Piece of Ass go for a stroll with Prince Ayden. FREE AYDEN! Anyway, she tells HPoA about her interest in the dead and he’s like, “Bitch, you serious about this? For real? Why didn’t I know this?” She says she wants the funeral home to be the Saks Fifth Avenue of funeral homes. HPoA wants no part of it, but Phaedra totally pooh-poohs his job. She says she has more convincing to do. You betta get to givin’ some bomb head! I’m just sayin’.

Commercials: Tyler Perry will not rest until he’s destroyed ALL of Western Civilization.

Kroy’s Fine Ass takes Kim out for dinner. But little does she know that he’s taking her to the lawyer to make her sign some papers. But little does she know that there’s a birthday surprise in store for her! People begin to show up—and by “people,” I mean, “the cast of the damn show.” At the decoy dinner, Kim says that once she drops the baby, she’s going to get many elective procedures done. Kroy’s Fine Ass tells her that he likes to kill things and that he has a gun case procured from the 23rd century. Kim is horrified that Kroy’s Fine Ass likes guns. A lot. Anyway, her birthday present is a $22,000 chocolate diamond bracelet. I just have to shake my head. That boy don’t have the sense God gave a mule. Anyway, Kim is properly surprised. Part of the birthday festivities includes shit-talking about NeNe. It’s the Atlanta equivalent of beating up a piñata.

The ladies tell Kim she got a good one. Phaedra asks when Kroy’s Fine Ass is going to marry Kim. Bitch, you are the LAST one to be asking someone about their personal business. Kandi asks what Kroy’s Fine Ass is going to do after football; he says he wants to have an outdoor store. Cause there aren’t enough of those! Oh, well. At least he’s very nice to look at.

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