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Cars and Their Idiot Owners November 9, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Observations, Rants.
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Fig. 1: I wonder which pretentious douchebag will get this in the divorce.

Children, I hate when people turn their cars into outward displays of their inward douchebaggery. I’ve probably ranted about idiot owners’ propensity to turn their car into a festering boil on the ass of society, but I’ll give this another go-round—especially with the car pictured above.

1. Bragging to the world that you successfully pair-bonded is just begging for the universe to fuck your shit up.
I mean, really? “And they lived…happily ever after”?!? Do you two douchebags think that life really is some goddamn fairy tale? I don’t care if your wedding was an atrocious re-presentation of every cloying Disney cliche, real life has a way of intervening and telling you to shut the fuck up and deal with the real. So, keep it up, pretentious douchebags. Check in in about ten years after one of you has gained twenty pounds and the other is going bald faster than you can say “going bald.” Check in after one of you has lost all that sexual vigor because you’ve got three rugrats demanding your attention left, right, and center. And just wait till one of you starts that affair with the officemate. We’ll see how that gaudy stencil on your car fares.

2. Your pretentious douchebaggery is not going to win new friends and influence enemies.
The stencil screams, “We’re awesomely ignorant fuckwads who don’t give a shit about being low-key and will take any and every opportunity to be awesomely ignorant fuckwads. IN YOUR FACE, SINGLE PEOPLE!” Again, just because you successfully pair-bonded (for the moment) doesn’t mean that you have to use your car as a battering ram of douchebaggery. If you assholes are really happy, people will know it. In the meantime, everyone will just think, “What a bunch of fucking assholes.”

3. The Jesus fish really adds to the pretentious douchebaggery.
Just looking at this car, I am fairly confident that these pretentious douchebags are the type to loudly and obsequiously thank Jesus for any and everything. They probably live in a McMansion and go to some “blab it and grab it” church where their blessed union was blandly celebrated. They probably think that Jesus had something to do with their pair-bonding and looks down upon their sweaty, commercial-length sex as something awesome, as it will likely produce a bunch of dumb offspring who will contribute fuck-all to the world. Of course, since Jesus was responsible for them hooking up and them driving a shitty SUV and living Where In The Fuck, Georgia, I guess they think he deserves some kind of shout-out. It’s more likely they also want to show the world of Where In The Fuck, Georgia that they too, believe in Jesus, unlike the other heathens of their small burg.

Seriously, people. Think before you put pretentious assed stencils on your car. Not everyone gives a flying shit about you. In fact, no one gives a flying shit about which particular deity you choose to pay obeisance to, or whether or not you successfully contributed to the overpopulation of the planet. Just drive the damn car and get out of my way.

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Comments»

1. Suzanne - November 10, 2011

Word.


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