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Real Housewives of Atlanta: “Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained” November 7, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Real Housewives.
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Last season: Kim’s a mess, Sheree can’t act, Kandi loves talking about sex, Kim traps a football player, Cynthia gets married to an old fart, and Phaedra delivers a baby.

It seems like it’s been forever since the Atlanta…ladies…graced us with their demure and ever-so-classy presence. Let’s see what these bitches are up to!

Kim is full-on pregnant. Kroy the Hot Piece of Ass is still with her. They’re moving in together! This boy don’t know what he’s getting himself into, does he? Kim says she’s in love. With his wallet. Kim goes on about his ass. It is indeed nice. He’s 25. It’s a May-December showmance.

NeNe and sons are going car shopping. Oh, she’s buying a car for ne’er do-well Bryson? Fuck all. Anyway, she’s separated from Gregg. NeNe says ne’er do-well isn’t ready to be on his own. She thinks he’ll be responsible…is she crazy? Anyway, she’s gotten some exposure from her time on Celebrity Apprentice, but she’s seriously trying to work a discount on the car.

Sheree drops in on Lawrence who is in the studio working on a TIRED song. Lawrence is angry or something, because the song is about shadiness. Something I think he’d be QUITE familiar with. Sheree bitches about NeNe and claims that she’s been getting attention for her “acting” and that NeNe tried to work an angle to get some money for something or other. So, here we are setting up the Drama for this season. Lawrence ki-ki’s and says other irrelevant shit.

Cynthia is meeting with Miss J—-cross-promotion! Synergy! Famewhoring! Anyway, Cynthia and Miss J act like they’re best fucking friends. She says she wants to run her own modeling agency. She thinks the ATL will be the next center for modeling. She says that Old Fart has his business and she has hers. HA! So, Miss J is going to show these bitches how it’s done. Miss J gives Supermodel some advice.

Phaedra and some cousins and her pastor mother are at a funeral home to make arrangements for her great-aunt. Willie Watkins is apparently famous for burying a lot of famous people. Of course, Phaedra would love that. The funeral they’re planning sounds like it will be as tasteful as Phaedra herself is. This funeral ain’t about the dead woman; this is all about Phaedra showing off. We aren’t told who this great-aunt is—shit, we don’t even know the dead woman’s name!

Cynthia’s “little modeling school” has a lot of people. Miss J shows off some bad runway walks. Cynthia says she wants to teach these women that modeling ain’t auditioning for a rap video. Yawn.

Hey, Kandi! How you durrin? She’s hanging out with Phaedra and Sheree…except she’s running late. Her hair is MUCH better now. They talk about vibrators and what-not. Kandi wants to do an adult sex toy line. Be sex-positive, gworl! Also, get that money. They talk to the proprietor of The Liberator Store, which is an upscale sex toy store. Well, all righty then.

Kim is six weeks out from her due date. She’s ready to have the baby. Kroy is away doing some shit; meanwhile, Kim treats her assistant and daughters like servants. They call Kroy and pester him. Yawn.

Brent asks when he’s going to get a car. NeNe ignores him. I bet he’s used to that. Anyway, Cynthia calls NeNe and listens to her gossip about Sheree and the upcoming Drama. The Drama is Coming.

Phaedra says that she likes funeral shit. Kandi’s all, “Um, fer reals?” Anyway, they bury Phaedra’s great-aunt, who, apparently, was never given a name. Anyway, due to some contrivance, Phaedra takes over the funeral. It’s ostentatious—shit, her name was Lillian. Well, Lillian’s ostentatious funeral has about forty people. Phaedra loves the pomp and circumstance—she wants people to talk about the funeral. She thinks she could get into this funeral business. I hate her.

The Drama is Here!
NeNe meets with Sheree. She says that she knows that Sheree is jealous of her. They meet at an empty assed wine bar. Sheree thinks that NeNe has let success get to her head. They start off kinda nice. Sheree says that black women don’t support each other—to which NeNe interviews “when did it become about black women?” So, Sheree calls Tyrone. This Drama is too byzantine. These women begin squawking at each other. NeNe says she’s rich. I think the people they called were still on the line. Somehow it becomes a rage about teeth.

Teeth?

Sheree follows NeNe out the wine bar and is totally third grade. I can’t even.

Later, Cynthia visits NeNe and they talk about the Drama while drinking white wine. Cynthia thinks that Sheree is being jealous and evil and not shiny or some such bullshit. NeNe cries real tears. Apparently, the Drama is not only coming, it will be here all season.

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