Five-Minute Celebrity Apprentice: “7Up Finale” May 25, 2011Posted by Skippy in Celebrity Apprentice.
Donald Trump: THIS SEASON HAS HAD THE MOST INTERESTING CAST IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD! NOW LITERALLY ROLL OUT THE RED CARPET AS I WALK DOWN THIS SIDEWALK!
Studio Audience: We’ve been told to cheer enthusiastically for Trump, so applaud we must.
Donald Trump: I love that you all love me. Now endure this clip show!
Marlee Matlin: My event is going so well! There’s no way I can lose!
John Rich: Hey Def Leppard! Can you do a drum kick?
Def Leppard: No. Fuck you.
John Rich: Okay then!
Random People: Hey, John Rich? We’re going to give you $250k.
John Rich: Awesome, Random People! I’ve always liked you.
Random People: We really just wanted to be on television. That check’s totally made of rubber.
Donald Trump: Let’s interrupt all this with stupid banter with the fired Apprenti! By the way, Ivanka is expecting a child!
Ivanka Trump: My offspring will have my superior genes and one day will rule over you puny humans.
Donald Trump: Oh, Don Jr. is expecting a child too.
Ivanka Trump: His children will be stupid.
Don Trump, Jr.: That’s true.
Donald Trump: Well, that was fun. Let me be a friend to the Blacks now. NeNe, you were a source of endless racial stereotype.
NeNe Leakes: I never should have left Atlanta.
Star Jones: She was an embarrassment to all Professional Black Women everywhere in the entire Universe. I, on the other hand, am the very model of a modern major general.
Donald Trump: You know what would be awesome now? MOAR TALKING.
Marlee Matlin’s Interpreter: You know, I have a name bitches. It’s Jack.
John Rich: I’m going to sing a song now. Feel free to go to the kitchen and grab a snack.
Audience: Screw that. I’m getting a beer. Scratch that. I’m getting several beers.
Donald Trump: But wait! You’ll miss the great clip show of how crazy Gary Busey is!
Audience: Don’t. Care.
Donald Trump: Fine. Watch this schmaltzy song by John Rich and Marlee Matlin.
Audience: Fuck, is she going to try singing, too?
Marlee Matlin: No, I and the New York School for the Deaf will do sign language. You will feel uplifted!
Donald Trump: Have we padded this out to nearly two hours? Yes? Ok, great. John Rich, you won.
Skippy: What? What?!? This is some bullshit. Marlee totally should have won.
Donald Trump: I never said I was a friend to the deaf.