Five-Minute Celebrity Apprentice: “Retro Rumble” May 18, 2011Posted by Skippy in Celebrity Apprentice.
Meat Loaf: I outlawyered Star Jones! I am awesome!
Donald Trump: Whatever. You will now be interviewed by Three Stooges: Piers Morgan, Joan Rivers and Bret Michaels. I’ll fire two of you afterwards.
John Rich’s Interview
Joan Rivers: What will the others say negatively about you?
John Rich: I’m awesome?
Piers Morgan: That damned hat is not awesome.
Brett Michaels: Can you look Lil Jon in the eye after you squash him?
John Rich: Arglebargle? Wharrgle.
Piers Morgan: That made no damn sense. And you really are coasting on the strengths of others.
Lil Jon’s Interview
Joan Rivers: Who will be in the final two?
Lil Jon: John Rich and Marlee—
Everybody: UM, WHAT?
Piers Morgan: You’re a loser—
Lil Jon: Let me finish, bitch.
Piers Morgan: Um, do you want to win?
Lil Jon: Meh, whatever.
Piers Morgan: Why are you in this competition?
Lil Jon: To present an impossible image of rappers to confront other impossible images of rappers. Yeah.
Piers Morgan: Dude, you suck too.
Meat Loaf’s Interview
Piers Morgan: What the hell are we to call you? Meat? Loaf? Mashed? Potatoes?
Joan Rivers: You’re old, like me!
Piers Morgan: Aren’t you a big assed crybaby?
Meat Loaf: I LOVE THE CHILDREN!!!
Piers Morgan: You ARE barking mad.
Brett Michaels: Can you direct your energy to not being batshit insane?
Meat Loaf: No.
Marlee Matlin’s Interview
Brett Michaels: I totally want to bang her.
Joan Rivers: Where’s your Oscar? I want it!
Marlee Matlin: Fuck you, old woman! You can’t have it!
Brett Michaels: Do you think you can play up the disability for the win?
Marlee Matlin: Of course!
Joan Rivers: Your stand up was astonishingly…bad.
Marlee Matlin: Thank you!
Joan Rivers: Interpreter, you didn’t tell her everything, did you?
Marlee Matlin’s Interpreter: I never do.
Piers Morgan: I’m going to say something utterly insensitive and douchetastic.
Marlee Matlin: No surprises there.
Piers Morgan: Not a fan.
Marlee Matlin: Right back atcha, bitch.
Donald Trump: Ok, let’s do this. Meat Loaf. Lil Jon. You both suck. You’re fired. John and Marlee, you’re the final two!
John Rich: I will destroy her. For charity.
Marlee Matlin: I will kill him. For charity.
Donald Trump: Excellent. Here’s your final task. Free marketing and party planning and other shit for 7Up’s Retro. You’ll have to choose either the 70s and the Harlem Globetrotters or the 80s and Def Leppard. Oh, and a bunch of morons are back. Choose your teams!
Marlee Matlin: I choose Latoya, Meat Loaf (don’t cry!), and Richard Hatch.
John Rich: I choose Lil Jon, Mark McGrath, and Star Jones.
Meat Loaf: I have crazy ideas!
Marlee Matlin: I have no intention of stopping you, for I clearly have not learned my lesson from the last time I let you run amok.
Meat Loaf: Awesome! Let’s put a boombox on the 7Up Retro boxes!
Marlee Matlin: Ok. On second thought, no.
Hark! Ivanka approacheth!
Ivanka Trump: What is the concept?
Meat Loaf: Blah, blah, boom box and disco ball.
Ivanka Trump: You were talking? I was not listening.
Meat Loaf: I have a non-crazy idea—let’s bring back a guy who did the commercials back in the 70s!
Latoya Jackson: I’m a superhero!
Richard Hatch: What the hell does that have to do with this commercial?
Meat Loaf: Who cares? I just got a call—the dude might possibly maybe not do our commercial! DAMNIT ALL TO HELL!!
Lil Jon: I’ll direct the commercial until I’m directed to not give a shit.
Star Jones: I’ll use the computer and eat take out!
John Rich: And that’s different from what you’ve usually done how?
Mark McGrath: I will be the hyperactive child in the corner!
John Rich: No, I will be the hyperactive child in the corner! We’re going to get Dee Snyder for our commercial! He’s totally the 80s!
Star Jones: I have a crush on you, John Rich.
Celebrity Apprentice Prop: I die!! CRASH
Hark! Ivanka approacheth!
Ivanka Trump: Who is this Def Leppard?
John Rich: Only the best band in the whole damned 80s! They’re awesome!! And so is Twisted Sister! I got Dee Snyder to do our commercial!!!
Ivanka Trump: I truly could not care less. This can with the zebra striping? It is offensive to my eyes.
Lil Jon: I’m tired.
John Rich: So, do you have the commercial done yet, Lil Jon?
Lil Jon: I said I’m tired.
Dee Snyder: I can shave my mustache so I can be in your commercial.
John Rich: THAT’S AWESEOME NEWS! Isn’t it, Lil Jon?
Lil Jon: So very tired…
Def Leppard’s Road Manager: I’ve been directed to arbitrarily cause drama.
John Rich: Oh, NOES!!!
To Be Continued…