Five-Minute Celebrity Apprentice: “Laugh ON” (part 1) May 10, 2011Posted by Skippy in Celebrity Apprentice.
Donald Trump: We’re at Gotham Comedy Club! Comedy is awesome!
President Barack Obama: Oh, I’m so glad you love comedy. Would you like to come to the White House Correspondents Dinner?
Donald Trump: Can’t wait. Here’s your task: sell tickets to a comedy show.
NeNe Leakes: This task bores me. I’m leaving.
Star Jones: I want Tracy Morgan to do a video cameo!
Marlee Matlin: I want to do some stand up!
Marlee Matlin’s Interpreter: She means she wants me to do some stand up.
Jim Cramer, Host of “Mad Money”: The economy is so bad, I’m now working for Donald Trump. What are you all doing?
Meat Loaf: I really, really don’t have time to talk to you! I care about the children!
Star Jones: All I care about is winning. I want Tracy Jordan!
Jim Cramer, Host of “Mad Money”: Y’all are as crazy as I look.
Hark! Ivanka approacheth!
Ivanka Trump: John Rich and Little Jon, what are you puny humans doing? Wait. Isn’t there supposed to be another person? What is her name? Oh, yes. Where is this “NeNe”?
Lil Jon: We don’t know where the fuck she is!
Ivanka Trump: Hm. You little people and your little problems.
Lil Jon: NENE, WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?
NeNe Leakes: I’m in a cab, not doin’ ur task.
Donald Trump: I saw potential in you! Potential for more drama between you and Star! And I got rid of a Playboy Playmate–all for you…and ratings!
NeNe Leakes: My dramatic and totally childish exit is for the greater good.
Latoya Jackson: Hi, Kathy Hilton? Remember me?
Kathy Hilton: Um, not really…
Latoya Jackson: Could you give us some money for a charity?
Kathy Hilton: Will a thousand bucks get you off my phone?
Latoya Jackson: …um, sure.
Meat Loat: I REALLY CARE ABOUT THESE KIDS! WHAAAAAA!
Marlee Matlin: What the hell is wrong with him? And who are these kids he’s crying about?
Marlee Matlin’s Interpreter: Hell if I know.
Star Jones: Let me see if I can calm this fool the fuck down. Mr. Trump? Meat Loaf here is having a nervous breakdown and wants you to not punish the losing team by making them give up their money to the winning team.
Donald Trump: He can suck it. But tell him to keep crying; we just got a boost in the ratings.
Jimmy Fallon: I am allegedly good friends with this “John Rich” person. Here’s ten thousand dollars and a shitty song.
John Rich: Thanks, Jimmy Fallon! You truly are a good friend!
Jimmy Fallon: Get your grubby paws off me.
New Yorkers: They promised us free booze.
Meat Loaf: I WILL KICK YOUR ASS IF YOU DON’T LAUGH! THIS IS FOR THE CHILDREN!
Unfunny Comedians: We’re not really funny.
Marlee Matlin: Deaf people can tell jokes too!
Marlee Matlin’s Interpreter: Sure they can…but you can’t.
Donald Trump: Meat Loaf. Are you still ten pounds of crazy in a five-pound sack?
Meat Loaf: I CARE SO MUCH ABOUT THESE CHILDREN! THEY’RE SO PRECIOUS AND SWEET AND TENDER AND DELICIOUS AND—
Donald Trump: So the answer is “yes.” Anyway, guess who else is crazy? NeNe! She didn’t know how good she had it here! I was a friend to her! You will rue the day you quit this two-bit reality show, NeNe Leakes! You’re fired! And you’re a quitter! And Star Jones kicked your ass whether you like it or not!
President Barack Obama: Well, guess who kicked your ass, Trump? Oh, and I’m still kicking it. Just thought you should know.
Donald Trump: Grrr. Never should have gone to that dinner. Anyway, Latoya, how’d your team do?
Latoya Jackson: We did well, Mr. Trump. Thank you so much for letting me back on the show.
Ivanka Trump: Your enthusiasm is matched only by your incompetence.
Latoya Jackson: …is that a compliment?
John Rich: Meat Loaf, I’ll give you some money—
Meat Loaf: OH, HOW I LOVE THESE CHILDREN! WAAAAAAAAH!
Donald Trump: Oh, Jesus. Okay, ASAP wins—
Meat Loaf: THAT’S SO AWESOME! WAAAAAH! I must call my wife!
Star Jones: How does she put up with that?
Donald Trump: Well, Latoya, I brought you back on this show—
Latoya Jackson: Don’t say it!
Donald Trump: –to fire you again. Latoya, you’re fired! Again!
Latoya Jackson: I will use the shreds of dignity I have left to imitate my dead brother’s classic music video, “Billie Jean.” I’m classy like that.