Five-Minute Celebrity Apprentice: “Bitter Suites” April 25, 2011Posted by Skippy in Celebrity Apprentice.
NeNe Leakes: Nobody likes me; therefore, I will sulk while texting and websurfing on my iPhone.
Meat Loaf: I’m so glad that Gary Busey is gone. Now I shall stand uncontested as the craziest celebrity on this show!
NeNe Leakes: Oh, yeah? Wait till next week.
Hope Whatsit: I bowl and care for children. I’m special!
Donald Trump: Before we get to this week’s task, I should remind you all to suck up to me, because I am possibly maybe considering a run for President.
Donald Trump: Well? Don’t you think I’d make a good President? Don’t you?
Everybody: Um, yeah. Sure.
Donald Trump: Excellent. Now here’s your task—oh, wait. I forgot something. We’re standing in Trump Soho, the tallest building in the world! And by “world,” I mean “Soho.” And I want you to give me free advertising for my awesome hotels! Choose your leaders!
The Men: We don’t really give a shit about this, so John Rich, you can handle this one.
Star Jones: I know EVERYTHING about luxury. You will let me do this.
The Women: Um, we’re not really sure about this—
Star Jones: I said I know EVERYTHING!
The Women: Aw, hell. Okay then.
Trump Hotel Guy: Give us something new. But not too new.
Audience: Aw, hell. Vague directions again?
Trump Hotel Guy: How else can we set the women up? Oh, yeah, I know. I’ll basically give the guys their slogan and not bother to repeat this to the women.
Star Jones: Our slogan will be “Individual elegance, collective luxury!” It is great, isn’t it ladies?
The Women: …it kinda sucks, but we don’t have the stones to tell you.
Latoya Jackson: I think it kinda sucks. Corny, to be precise.
Star Jones: You do? Well, you and NeNe go off and do errands in the bowels of Manhattan!
Latoya Jackson: That’s a punishment?
Star Jones: Be back in an hour or I’ll take you to the Boardroom!
Latoya Jackson: Brilliant strategy, imp.
Star Jones: I sense hatred between Latoya and NeNe. Hug it out, bitches!
Marlee Matlin’s Interpreter: What the hell is wrong with these wenches?
NeNe Leakes: I like you now, Latoya Jackson.
Latoya Jackson: Great. Now I’m really in trouble.
Eric Trump: Hey guys, what are you doing?
John Rich: ACK! They let your gorgon-looking ass out of the dungeon? Where’s Ivanka?
Eric Trump: Shut up and tell me what you’re doing.
John Rich: Since the beginning of time…
Eric Trump: Aw, hell. Why didn’t I get to check in on the women?
Don Trump, Jr.: Because I am awesome and not ugly. Hey, ladies! What’s happening?
Star Jones: We’re going to put Hope Whatsit in a tub.
Don Trump, Jr.: Is she naked?
Star Jones: Close your mouth and wipe the drool off your chin. She’ll be wearing a towel.
Don Trump, Jr.: Well, now you done fucked up.
Star Jones: NeNe, are you finished with your shot that I only gave you five minutes to finish?
NeNe Leakes: Let me give y’all a taste of next week. Bitch, what you talking about, we’ve got five minutes?!?
Meat Loaf: Emotionless butler? You’re a SUPASTAR! You’re a sexy kitten! Work it! Work it! WORK! IT!
Emotionless Butler: Dude, I’m just advertising butler services, not a sleazy nightclub. That’s what the women are doing.
John Rich: We’re men! Awesome men, just like Teddy Roosevelt and the Rough Riders!
Lil Jon: What the hell made you come up with that obscure historical reference?
Meat Loaf: Hey, Trump Hotel Executives, have you ever wondered what it’s like to be Donald Trump?
Trump Hotel Executives: Well, we’re rich too and unlike Trump, we have our own hair, so no.
Star Jones: I will now have the women on my team spout random words.
(thirty minutes of random-ass word spouting ensues)
Star Jones: Trump Hotels are the very similitude of luxury, the perspicacity of opulence, and the facsimile of grandeur. I hope you enjoyed our presentation and our gaudy print ads.
Trump Hotel Executives: Jesus, woman, that didn’t make any sense. And your ads look like shit.
Star Jones: Mr. Trump, after this experience of providing you with free advertising for hotels no one could afford to patronize, I now want to live in one of them. Please? Pretty please?
Donald Trump: No. NeNe, what do you think about your team? Anyone you’d like to napalm?
NeNe Leakes: I will not be drawn into another—oh, hell. Fine. All these women kissed Star’s ass.
Marlee Matlin’s Interpreter: Kiss my ass, NeNe!
Marlee Matlin: Why’s he speaking when I’m not?
John Rich: I think everyone did well on this task.
Donald Trump: I am surprised…that Lil Jon is capable of more than doing whatever it is he does. See, blacks? I truly am a friend to you!
Lil Jon: The fuck?
Eric Trump: The executives really didn’t—
Donald Trump: Shut up, Ugly! You should be happy I let you out of your cage, you disappointment! Anyway, the Trump Hotel Executives hated both teams. But they hated the men a little less, so women, you lose.
Star Jones: I’m bringing NeNe and Latoya back for the final boardroom.
Audience: What? What a shock! This is brand new information!
Donald Trump: I really don’t want to fire anyone, since I’m possibly maybe running for President and I don’t want people to associate me with people losing jobs. NeNe, what do you think?
NeNe Leakes: Um, Latoya’s kind of a weak player.
Star Jones: Excellent—I mean, yes. Yes, Latoya really isn’t a strong player.
Latoya Jackson: I can see where this is going…
Donald Trump: That’s because you’re “Bad.” Latoya, “Beat It”!