Five-Minute Celebrity Apprentice: “Raising the Steaks” April 19, 2011Posted by Skippy in Celebrity Apprentice.
Latoya Jackson: I’ve always been involved in charity! If by “always” you mean, “twenty minutes ago.”
Donald Trump: We’re at Trump Tower Grill! We cook shit and people buy it! It’s awesome! Here are these old farts from Omaha Steaks to tell you your task.
Omaha Old Farts: Our company makes a lot of steaks. Steaks are excellent for you. And we make steaks. Which are very, very good for you. Here’s the thing; we’re cheap-ass motherfuckers and we want you to give us some free advertising.
Donald Trump: Choose your leaders!
The Women: Hope Whatsit! You haven’t had much screentime!
Hope Whatsit: But I don’t eat red meat!
The Men: Oh, hell. Gary. Maybe this’ll be our chance to get rid of your crazy ass.
Gary Busey: I have an internal wealth of knowledge. I can also imitate a cat. Watch me cough up a hairball!
Omaha Old Farts: Guys, our products are awesome, but we’re too cheap to do any real advertising.
Gary Busey: Do you have any cows in suspended animation?
Omaha Old Farts: Let’s go talk to the women.
Star Jones: Do you have any thing that won’t require an angioplasty after eating it?
Omaha Old Farts: We have vegetables like bacon, Porterhouse steaks, rib-eyes…
Star Jones: Um, do y’all even know what a vegetable is?
Gary Busey: Hey, Omaha Steaks customer service rep. Have you ever flown a kite? With your dad? On Father’s Day? And can you tell me how to cook a flank steak?
Omaha Customer Service Rep: What the damn?
NeNe Leakes: I really think we should cook a hamburger.
Latoya Jackson: This is all a plot to destroy me, because I don’t know how to cook.
NeNe Leakes: You don’t know how to cook? What woman in America doesn’t know how to cook?
Audience: Sandra Lee. Have you seen her Kwanzaa cake?
Star Jones: Look! I did the menus and designed the aprons! All while eating take-out!
NeNe Leakes: Isn’t that what you do every week?
Hark! Ivanka approacheth!
Ivanka Trump: Meat Loaf! Tell me, are you a good cook? Answer now!
Meat Loaf: Gary’s crazy!
Ivanka Trump: Do you think that I care about your sob story? Busey! Attend me!
Gary Busey: Sunshine transoms platypuses!
Ivanka Trump: I cannot wait to disembowel you.
Don Jr. approaches. No one really cares.
Don Trump, Jr.: So, what are you women doing?
Star Jones: I’m a graphic designuh!
Don Trump, Jr.: You do realize that Tracey Jordan was making fun of you, right?
Marlee Matlin’s Interpreter: As is the rest of America…
Don Trump, Jr.: Right. Star, people are getting sick of seeing you sitting at a Mac and scarfing down take-out.
John Rich: Gary Busey called me “boy”! I am pissed! So very pissed! It’s almost like a racial epithet or something!
Skippy: Wait till you get to the Boardroom…
Latoya Jackson: Maybe if I set this burger on fire, it’ll kill NeNe.
NeNe Leakes: Bitch tried to pull a Michael Jackson on me!
Audience: She tried a what?
Gary Busey: I’m sorry for calling you a “boy,” John Rich.
John Rich: Fuck you, you cock-eyed bastard!
Gary Busey: Well, I don’t think that was called for at all.
Hope Whatsit: I have to prove that I am a leader and am not just a pair of walking boobs.
Latoya Jackson: I have to prove that I am not the developmentally delayed simpleton that I come off as.
Hope Whatsit: Then you’ll have TO TALK LOUDER, YOU SIMPLETON!
Star Jones: We have meat here that won’t kill you. That’s the good news. The bad news is, it’s no bigger than a quarter.
Omaha Old Farts: We wish they’d said “Omaha Steaks” more. If we’re going to get free advertising for Omaha Steaks, then these poor saps should say Omaha Steaks as often as possible, or else we’ll get mad.
Audience: You fuckers are getting free fucking advertising for your shitty steaks!
Omaha Old Farts: Don’t you mean “your shitty Omaha steaks”?
Gary Busey: I’m a subtle leader. Wait—that was too coherent. I am the wind that fallows your peregrine! Eat this steak and your entrails will be clean and your father will fly kites!
Omaha Steak Audience: …what?
Meat Loaf: Never mind that, let’s raffle off these steak dinners!
Omaha Steak Audience: Well, okay then.
John Rich: This was a catastrophic collapse of time management.
Donald Trump: Those are a lot of words. How do you know so many words?
Ivanka Trump: These fools don’t know words! Look at this “menu”! There are typos! TYPOS! Useless, troglodytic carriers of syphilis! By the way, how was Gary as a leader?
Gary Busey: You see, there was this kite. This kite was a friend. A true friend. A friend to the end. It then disemboweled a cow and made steaks of the cow. The cow was also a friend—
Ivanka Trump: Silence, crazy man. Ivanka neither knows nor cares about this “kite” of which you speak.
Lil Jon: This fool wanted me to put paper in a damn box!
Donald Trump: Don’t care. So, Hope, you’re hot.
Star Jones: She’s young enough to be my daughter!
Donald Trump: She’s young enough to be my next wife!
Hope Whatsit: Oh, dear God. Just tell us if we won or not.
Donald Trump: Not yet. Latoya, do you like any of these women?
Latoya Jackson: I like everybody. I like Marlee, Star, and Hope. They’re really nice people.
Donald Trump: I notice that you didn’t mention NeNe.
Latoya Jackson: Oh, that’s ‘cause I hate that—
Hope Whatsit: My charity is for children! Sick children!
Donald Trump: I am really surprised that you can think, Hope. I am also surprised that the Omaha Old Farts really liked your work. You won.
The Men: We’re not awesome?
Meat Loaf: Seriously? Did you idiots not see that fucking freakshow we put on?
John Rich: Gary called me a boy! Fire him!
Gary Busey: I called you a “ca-boy.”
John Rich: You calling me a homosexual?
Ivanka Trump: I noticed that everyone took every opportunity to stay far away from you, Gary. Now that I look at you, I understand why. Father, I cannot stand the sight of this creature.
Donald Trump: I could defend you, Gary, but I think Ivanka would kill this Tribble on top of my head if I did. You’re fired!