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Five-Minute Celebrity Apprentice: “Australian Gold” April 11, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Real Housewives.
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Everybody: It’s cold up here on the top of this building!
John Rich: Thank you, Mr. Trump, for having us stand out here in the cold to receive your glorious commands.
Donald Trump: You’re very gracious, you backwards country bumpkin. Here’s your task: listen to these suntan lotion executives for a minute.
Australian Gold Executives: Give us free advertising.
Latoya Jackson: So was listening to these people the task, or is advertising for these people the task?
NeNe Leakes: You dumb bitch.
Donald Trump: Choose your leaders!
Latoya Jackson: I’ll lead the women!
NeNe Leakes: You dumb bitch.
Mark McGrath: I’ll lead the men!
NeNe Leakes: You dumb—oh, sorry.

The Task
Latoya Jackson: Okay, NeNe and Marlee, you do creative stuff. Star, you sit here at this computer and eat and do some computery stuff.
Hope Whatsit: I could be a model, since I’m a model and stuff—
Latoya Jackson: No, I’d rather you didn’t do anything that’s in your particular realm of expertise.
NeNe Leakes: Let’s brainstorm!
Latoya Jackson: I’ve never had a brainstorm before.
NeNe Leakes: Figures. You don’t even have a brain.
The Men: We know! Nearly naked women! Pirates! Nearly naked women! We’re AWESOME!
Audience: Are they setting us up for a surprise loss by the men?
Gary Busey: You know, Australian Gold people, Australian Gold suntan products make me feel super sexy!
Australian Gold Execs: Does that answer your question? Anyway, blah, blah, blah, treasure, blah, blah, blah.
The Men: Huzzah! The Australian Gold Executives have totally confirmed our totally AWESOME idea! We clearly have a winner on our hands!
Ivanka Trump: Yeah, right. What are you puny males up to?
Mark McGrath: Hubba hubba, you so sexy Ivanka!
Ivanka Trump: You’re cute, little man. Perhaps I shall allow you to retain your testicles…that is, if you have any to begin with. Women, what are you doing?
Latoya Jackson: We’re doing…something about the beach. Because there’s sun at the beach.
Ivanka Trump: Good god, you’re a dumb bitch. Why are you so literal?
Latoya Jackson: Ok, maybe we’ll do some pretend snow.
Ivanka Trump: (rolls eyes) Yeah, that’s much better.
Latoya Jackson: We need 6,000 pounds of sand!
NeNe Leakes: The fuck for? Bitch, is your wig pulling your head too tight?
Kim Zolciak: I sense something…a presence I haven’t felt since…
Audience: You already did a Star Wars joke, Skippy! Damn!
Latoya Jackson: The women don’t like me.
The Women: We don’t like you! You’re incompetent!
Latoya Jackson: I don’t know why the women don’t like me.
Don Jr.: God, you’re a dumb—whatever. I’ll go see how the guys’ display looks.
Meat Loaf: ADMIRAL!
Don Jr.: How did you know that that’s what I call my junk?
Meat Loaf: Um…
Don Jr.: Ho hum. Let’s see what the women are up to. Geez, what the shit is this?
Latoya Jackson: It’s sand AND snow!
Don Jr.: NeNe, what do you think of this?
NeNe Leakes: If we win, then the men must have really sucked.
Gary Busey: Give me a few minutes.
Australian Gold Execs: Guys, let’s see your display.
Gary Busey: NO! You will now listen to my rendition of “Can’t Touch This.”
Mark McGrath: Oh, shit.

Boardroom!
Donald Trump: I feel like stirring some shit. NeNe, what do you think about Latoya?
NeNe Leakes: Bitch crazy.
Latoya Jackson: Am not!
NeNe Leakes: Are too, you crazy bitch. And don’t you EVER talk back to me again, do you hear me! I will end you, you Casper the Ghost lookin’, no leading, no sense having, idiot!!
Donald Trump: Ahhh, the sweet smell of misogyny. Speaking of, why wasn’t Hope Whatsit, the Playmate of the Year running around in a thong? Why do you think I put her on this show?
Latoya Jackson: Because…I…wanted to…synergize the unobtanium?
Donald Trump: Works for me. Anyway, guys, how do you think you did?
The Men: Um, WE’RE AWESOME! Except for that whole “Gary Busey makes everyone uncomfortable” bit.
Mark McGrath: We’re so awesome, that if we lose, I’ll take all the blame. No way that would come back to kick me in the balls.
Donald Trump: What is that? Is that what I think it is on you, Mark McGrath? Is that a tattoo? Do I see a tattoo on you? NO GREEN TATTOOS, EVER!
Mark McGrath: Ohhh, shit. Um, Gary’s crazy!
Donald Trump: Too late, has-been! Besides, the Australian Gold Execs hated your pirate theme and I hate your tattoo and you? You’re fired!

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