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Real Housewives of Orange County: “No Hate” April 6, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Real Housewives.
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Well, that title’s a contradiction, isn’t it? This show is nothing but hate. Ok, so last time, Tamra is borrowing storylines from Kim Zolciak, Vicki is pretending that ignoring her husband will make things better, and Evil Gretchen was very evil to Tamra.

Where shall we begin? Oh, let’s begin with Pegs, since she promises to be one woo-filled statement after another. We see that she and Micah are taking a trip to the plastic surgeon. She needs to get her boobs done…again. Apparently, this is her third boob job, kinda like getting your car tuned up or some such shit. The left breast appears to have taken on a life of its own and wants to detach from her body. Douchebag Micah doesn’t care if they’re fake or real, he just wants ‘em big.

We cut to Evil Gretchen who is planning her parent’s 40th wedding anniversary party. She and her unfortunate assistant Shawna go to her mom’s house to get a dress for…oh, who gives a flying fuck? Seriously? This is boring and stupid. I hit the fast forward button…
…and see Vicki cooking dinner for her kids and husband. As with everything, she micromanages the dinner and annoys her kids and husband. She says that it’s hard to get the family together. I wonder why. She claims she never sees Michael…even though he lives in the same house. Again, I wonder why. Anyway, Michael burns a steak and causes Vicki to control-freak out. One word for this woman: SMOTHER. That, plus her inability to accept that people are aging and growing up means that her kids are estranged from her. She is a workaholic and is never at home; Donn is basically abandoned. It does make for an interesting gender reversal here, but I am not going to spill a lot of digital ink on this.

Tamra and the Lesbian Latina Fernanda do a stupid photoshoot for the “No H8” campaign. Of course, they forgo tastefulness and do a topless photoshoot. Tamra’s deep thoughts about same-sex marriage are not likely to persuade any Congressional Republicans. Tamra intimates that she’s “dabbled in the vagina pool.” Honey, we do not need you as an ally.

Pegs decides it’s never too early to give your children self-esteem issues, so she packs up Capri Sun and London Fog and takes them to a modeling agency. Since they’re toddlers, they are incapable of following such simple commands as “Walk like a diva” and “Show some ballet moves.” BECAUSE THEY’RE BABIES! Anyway, this woomongering moron thinks that the best way to deal with her post-partum depression is to ignore the kids altogether and start back modeling.

Evil Gretchen gets her mom’s ring redone. It’s as exciting as that last sentence.

Aw, Jesus. It’s Jugs. She’s driving and on the phone (hands free, of course!) and asking people to come to her Botox Bash. She wasn’t going to invite Vicki because she’s sure that Jesus doesn’t love Vicki and wouldn’t want to have to run into her. The last time, she and Jesus got into an awful catfight about Jesus’ roots and awful pedicure. Jugs is only thinking of Jesus, y’all!

Tamra is moving. Latin Oomph (who I’m now absolutely convinced is gay as a picnic basket) asks her how Cabo was. She tells him that she did body shots and Latin Oomph attempts to act concerned. Tamra doesn’t think she’ll be able to make it to the Latina Lesbian’s Citizenship Party…
…which is introduced with vaguely Latin music. Of course. The Latina Lesbian is disappointed that Tamra wouldn’t reschedule her move in order to come to the citizenship bash. Tamra’s making it to the party would indicate that Tamra wants to know more about the Latina Lesbian…which she doesn’t, because she’s clearly not that into you, Fernanda. Stop crushing on this idiot. Meanwhile, Tamra’s totally making faking out with Latin Oomph. After they finish faking out, Latin Oomph goes through Tamra’s shit and basically dredges up her old memories of life with Simon and then asks about them moving in together. Seriously, he has a serious case of gayface. If this guy isn’t gay as a picnic basket in the middle of the Castro during Pride, I’ll…well, I’ll just be wrong. Ha! You thought I’d say something stupid like, “I’ll get Botox” or “I’ll vote Republican,” didn’t you?

Botox for Jesus!
Christ. It’s Jugs. She wants a Zen relaxing party for “the girls.” She loves to give…Botox. Tamra will not let Evil Gretchen ruin the Botox Bash. Vicki will come as Tamra’s guest and will try her best to get along with Jugs. Oh, and Fernanda the Latina Lesbian is coming! She’s like another Housewife! Tamra decides to give Vicki some mace to ward off Evil Gretchen. Pegs arrives, guaranteeing that the woo shall shortly commence.

She starts talking about the astrological signs of the women. And there it is. Pegs interviews that she can feel people’s auras. Oh, shut up, Pegs. It’s been an entire episode and Jugs hasn’t mentioned Jesus or Jim, so you can go an entire episode and not mention your damnably stupid adherence to woo. Just try it. You might actually sound like an intelligent humanoid.

Jugs says that the OC puts requirements on women to have big breasts, blonde hair and Botox. She interviews that her asshole husband wants her to look fabulous. Damn. And here I was about to congratulate Jugs for going an entire episode without mentioning that pustule she calls a “husband. He looks like he ate the whole damn pig and then some. What about him looking fabulous? Granted, it would take a host of plastic surgeons, a hair transplant team from Norway, and personal trainers to world-class bodybuilders just to get him to “fugly,” so maybe it’s just too much for him to– WHY THE FUCK DID YOU MARRY THIS ASSHOLE?!?

Anyway, the Latina Lesbian is disappointed that Tamra didn’t come to her citizenship party. Tamra is incensed—actually, she claims to be “blown away.” She interviews about her mind-boggling “confrontation” and calls Fernanda “Charo.” Well, I guess this dip in the pool of lesbianism is over.

Tattooing the Interstitial!: Vicki the Smotherer cackles about women getting tattooed with their mate’s names.

Pegs decides to cozy up to the Smotherer. Jugs wonders if brownnosing is going on. You know what? Close-ups of Vicki make her look like Miss Piggy. Therefore, I dub her Miss Vicki. Jugs thinks the Botoxery went well…until Tamra pulls out the mace! Oh, noes, it’s a joke that makes Jugs moderately unhappy. But since she’s been Botoxed, you can’t really tell that she’s upset.

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