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Five-Minute Celebrity Apprentice: “The Art of the Deal” April 4, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Celebrity Apprentice.
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The Men: We keep winning! We’re invincible! We’ve never watched this show before!
NeNe Leakes: Dionne is mean! **sobs**
Star Jones: Uhm, Dionne got fired.
Donald Trump: Get your asses back in here! What the fuck was all that arguing about?
NeNe Leakes: Dionne was old. And bossy.
Donald Trump: Who gives a shit? Your next task starts now!
Marlee Matlin’s Interpreter: Damn, is this Top Chef?
Donald Trump: Shut up, you. Anyway, you are to create great works of art that would rival the Mona Lisa, sell those works of art, paint some fugly ball caps and raise money by selling those works of art. Oh, and some no-name actor/artiste will judge the caps.
Audience: What. Why am I not watching “Desperate Housewives?”
Donald Trump: Because I’m awesome! Choose your leaders!
LaToya Jackson: I want to lead—
Marlee Matlin: Fuck, no, you crazy bitch. I’m leading.
Marlee Matlin’s Interpreter: She told you! **SNAP**
John Rich: I’ll lead the men.
Donald Trump: Really? I didn’t think you country bumpkins could do much besides impregnate your sisters.
John Rich: What—seriously? Fine, you bitches want country, I’ll give you country. I’m gonna fly in half of Nashville.

The Task
Marlee Matlin: You heffas better get it together—especially you Latoya!
Latoya Jackson: Why me? Don’t you know who my dead brother is? I’ve even got his shirt, which I’ll donate to our good cause!
Marlee Matlin: You made me tear up, because I love “Thriller” so much. You may stay.
Marlee Matlin’s Interpreter: Bitch, please.
Jose Canseco: My dad is really sick. I am leaving.
Audience: That’s really sad.
Commercials: BUY SHIT!
The Men: Jose’s leaving is sad.
John Rich: Let’s dedicate one of those shitty hats to Jose’s dad.
Richard Hatch: God, you suck.
Meat Loaf: I hate Gary Busey, I hate Gary Busey, I hate Gary Busey…
Mark McGrath: Dude, let’s get you away from Gary Busey.
Meat Loaf: MOTHERFUCKER! WHO TOOK MY ART SHIT?!? YOU DID IT, DIDN’T YOU, YOU MOTHERFUCKING MOTHERFUCKER! YOU DO NOT WANT TO FUCK WITH ME! I WILL PUT GRAVY ON YOU!! YOU UNDERSTAND ME!?!
Gary Busey: Dude, you sound crazier than me. That’s a feat.
John Rich: We found your art shit.
Meat Loaf: I hate Gary Busey, I hate Gary Busey, I WILL DISEMBOWEL YOU AND SERVE YOU WITH MASHED POTATOES, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!
NeNe Leakes: Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s set up the impending confrontation between me and Star. I can’t stand Star. I will repeat this throughout the episode.
Lil Jon: I make art! YEAAAH!! Oh, and Richard’s hat is gay, because he’s gay.
Don Jr.: You women seem discouraged.
The Women: Um, because your dad’s a misogynistic dickface?
Don Jr.: Probably. But cheer up; things are always the darkest before the dawn.
George Ross: Guys, maybe you should tone down the arrogance.
The Men: NEVER! We’re invincible! There’s no way we could lose!
George Ross: These guys have never seen this show, have they?
The Men: We’re so awesome, we’ve finished early and have about fifty bajillion people waiting to buy our awesome art! Let’s make fun of the ladies, who are running late and haven’t set up their gallery! There’s no way this could bite us in the ass!
NeNe Leakes: Jill Zarin from Real Housewives of NYC is my really good friend.
Jill Zarin: I am? We are? Who the fuck are you? I’m just trying to extend my fifteen minutes of fame.
NeNe Leakes: We’re like two peas in a pod! Oh, and I can’t stand Star.
Richard Hatch: No one is buying my sad ass art.
Federico Castelluccio, Art Guy: That’s because it is—how do you put it?—AWFUL.

The Boardroom
John Rich: We won. Absolutely and completely. We are awesome. Men are awesome.
Donald Trump: Even when Meat Loaf goes apeshit crazy on Gary Busey?
Meat Loaf: I apologized. I was inappropriate, so we should move on.
Donald Trump: But I don’t want to. How did the country bumpkin handle it?
The Men: John Rich did well, despite being a country bumpkin who flew in all these inbred motherfuckers from Nowheresville, No Where.
Donald Trump: Super. Women, how did you do? Anybody get into catfight?
Marlee Matlin: No. We were awesome as well.
Star Jones: Really—Marlee was an excellent Project Manager and we all contributed to the task.
Donald Trump: That runs counter to the misogynistic narrative I have constructed. Latoya, care to reaffirm my narrow view of women?
Latoya Jackson: I think thoughts! And I gave a shirt from my dead brother Michael Jackson and painted a hat with glitter!
Donald Trump: Michael and I were besties. The Art Guy liked that hat. You win money for your charity.
The Men: Who gives a shit? We’re still awesome!
Donald Trump: Actually, not this time. The women raised damn near a million bucks. And because the women are awesome, I want them to help decide whom to fire. Oh, and by the way, did you read my book “The Art of the Deal”? It’s awesome.
Richard Hatch: Oh, shit.
The Men: Fire Richard
Hope Whatsit: Um, yeah. Like, totally fire Richard.
Audience: Playboy Playmates actually talk?
Marlee Matlin’s Interpreter: There can be only one bitchy queen on this show and my bitchy facial expressions trump Richard Hatch’s any day of the week and twice on Sunday!
Marlee Matlin: I didn’t say all that…
Richard Hatch: I really will work very, very hard on the next task, Mr. Tru—
Donald Trump: Save it. The Playmate has spoken. You’re fired!

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