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Real Housewives of Miami: “Waterfront and Center” March 17, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Real Housewives.
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Last Time: Cristy is tacky, Drunk Elsa is drunk, Jailbait Model Peter wants a party, Lea buys some shitty art, and dumb Adriana is possibly slutting it up…with Bravo-placed homosexuals.

Miami is sunny. Larsa’s kids love pets. Now they have a rabbit. Scottie Pippen buys his kids whatever they want. This is stupid and boring. Larsa mentions nannies taking care of the pets. Oh, get a job, Larsa.

Alexia is driving her Mercedes…to go fetch a pig. Old Herman is at the pig farm to help fetch the pig, and Alexia whines about the smell. She’s doing this in order to throw a big pig party. Have you ever seen a pig in its element? It’s disgusting. Frankly, I will never eat pig again. Cooking pig is a cultural tradition in Old Herman’s family. Alexia thinks that using hand sanitizer will prevent something—swine flu, I suppose. Anyway, she gets her dead pig and off she goes.

It’s night, and Marysol and her young thang Philippe are at a completely empty restaurant. Marysol thinks something’s up. Nothing gets by her, no siree! Philippe tells her that he visited her dad…and she acts dumb as rocks, like she doesn’t know where this is going. He tells her that he visited her father in order to ask him for her hand in marriage. It is the most awkward, clumsy and rehearsed marriage proposal I’ve ever seen on television. He gives her a tacky, tacky, TACKY ring and claims that he’s “in charge of her happiness.” Awesome. Marysol wants to get married in Aspen—she and Philippe decide to elope. Whatevs.

Back at Alexia’s house, we see the dead pig splayed out on a kitchen counter. I think if I walked into someone’s house and saw that shit, I’d get the fuck out of their house. Alexia says that if she saw a chicken splayed out like that, she’d never eat another piece of chicken. Old Herman is trying to get Alexia to calm the fuck down, because the dead pig doesn’t freak him out. He butchers and prepares the dead pig and then covers it up so it can…marinate? Hell if I know. Or care.

Oh, fuck. Lea. Her dumb ass goes to some fucking boutique to fucking buy some fucking clothes. Her friend Lourdes tells her she needs to update her wardrobe. How about a ball gag? Lourdes finds Fucking Lea’s fucking fashion taste to be fucking wretched. Her Sassy Gay Jason is just there to drink cheap wine and cover his face in mockery of fucking Lea’s fashion sense. Fucking Lea doesn’t like to shop. I actually don’t disagree with her. I find clothes shopping tedious as well. Fuck.

Alexia goes all out when she throws a party. Adriana doesn’t want to drink too much. All the ho’wives go out onto the deck and wait for Old Herman to finish cooking the pig. Fucking Lea doesn’t eat meat. When she sees the pig in the pit, she is “done.” She doesn’t want to get near it; perhaps she thinks that it’s going to jump up and bitchslap her? She doesn’t want to eat anything that she thinks “has a name.” Bitch, please. That pig didn’t have a name. Anyway, she claims that she is “beside herself.” Again, bitch, take your dumb ass to Chili’s and get a big salad or something.

When we come back from commercial, Fucking Lea is STILL bitching about the fucking dead pig. She has never seen a gutted pig. She claims she can appreciate the culture, but she “isn’t one of them.” Old Herman takes Fucking Lea’s pig hatred and really goes to town with it. He chops the fuck up out of Wilbur. Ha! Anyway, later, everyone lubricates up and eats the pig. Except Larsa. She only eats superiority. Philippe prompts Marysol to tell everyone that they’re engaged. Everyone is happy…until Fucking Lea opens her fucking mouth. She jokes that Philippe is marrying Marysol for a green card. Fucking bitch needs to get told.

HOLY SHIT!! It’s Drunk Elsa! Jesus take the wheel. Drunk Elsa and Marysol’s Sassy Gay Frank are helping Marysol pick the dress. Yawn. Drunk Elsa is worried that Marysol’s grown ass will abandon her. Don’t worry, Drunk Elsa. You’ll always have Franzia. Marysol tries on some dresses that were sent to her, but Drunk Elsa and SGFrank are no fucking help. Commercials!

Nannylicious Interstitial: Larsa has a fucking awesome kitchen. Seriously. I love the fuck out of her kitchen. But Larsa ruins everything by talking about her nanny troubles. Well, maybe if you’d stop being a fucking bitch to your nannies, you wouldn’t run through so many of them. Just a thought.

Tacky Cristy and Alexia go to some fugly couture joint and blah, blah, blah, do something for “Hatian relief.” Tacky Cristy tries on ugly, tacky shit. She’ll be fifty and wearing ugly, tacky shit. Alexia loves to support local Latin designers. Good for you, Alexia. Where’s Jailbait Model Peter?

Adriana is bringing some tacky shitty art from Marcos the Artiste to Fucking Lea. Adriana notes that the show wasn’t as profitable as she’d hoped. Well, it might have been more profitable had you a) not shown such shitty art and b) not showed your ass at your own showing. Don’t blame everything on the Artiste, dear. Fucking Lea interviews how she basically was Mother Theresa to Adriana after she got dumped by some dude. Fucking Lea wants to interrogate Adriana about life. Adriana says that her business is giving her trouble, but Fucking Lea wants to pry even further. She says that she thinks that Adriana is stressed out and that going out and grinding on two Bravo-placed homosexuals is jeopardizing her relationship with French Lover Frederic. Adriana interviews that she doesn’t know if FLFrederic is ready for the financial burden of having a stepson. Adriana finally provides Fucking Lea the sustenance she needs and breaks down crying. Adriana is too weak to see that this woman gets off on controlling “weaker” people. I really hate this controlling bitch.

Oh, hai, Tacky Cristy! She is having lunch with some random woman. She can’t believe that Fucking Lea invoiced her for crashing the charity gala. She has some unmitigated gall when she says what Fucking Lea did was tacky and then calls her classless. Tacky Cristy is tacky. But you all knew that.

Aspen! Snow! Marysol and Philippe! She claims to be excited. She is also afraid to cry—I think it’s because her doctor told her that she can’t cry or her face will literally crack. Anyway, the “reality” of their real marriage freaks her out. Yawn. Philippe says he hasn’t seen her drink anything…wait. What? They were clearly seen holding drinks at the beginning of the damn segment! Seriously, Bravo—edit better!

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