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Real Housewives of Orange County: “Shameless in Seattle” March 14, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Real Housewives.
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Last Time: Tamra is taking sloppy seconds from Kim Zolciak. Gretchen is being an evil bitch. Alexis’ Jugs are lifting up the name of Jesus…and a nice Pinot Grigio!

Evil Gretchen is in bed and her sleazy man Slade steps out of the shower. She’s been with Shady Slade for a year. Well, it MUST be love! EG says that fucking him is his compensation. Shade tries to fix a shower while EG briefs him on business. Yawn. Anyway, he shaves his face, making him approximately 20% uglier. EG has an assistant! So that’s why she was at that lame-ass party last week. To assist EG…for what reason, I have no damn idea. EG thinks that Shawna the Assistant should not only be an employee, but also a one-person attack squad against EG’s enemies. Shawna will be very busy.

Tamra is hanging out with the Latina Lesbian Fernanda. She also happens to be a “trainer.” Tamra pulls out some sort of electronic thing that she pretends is a vibrator. Really, Tamra? Your come ons are SO klassy! They sit down to talk about the events of the previous episode. Tamra is happy now…but she wants to be happier. One might even say she wants to be gay. Oh, but wait! She’s dating some dude named Eddie. Eddie is not like Simon, the Erstwhile. Eddie is awesome. But not awesome enough to prevent Tamra from wanting to hump Fernanda the Lesbian. Oh, Fernanda. Aren’t there other women in the greater Los Angeles area who aren’t fameballs with fake blonde hair? Oh, poor Fernanda.

Vicki has to catch a plane! She’s going to Seattle and leaving Donn. Donn talks about getting a new dog. He’s deep. He says that Vicki is gone a lot. Well, dude, that’s what porn is for. In Seattle, Vicki pretends to converse with the hoi polloi.

Oh, fuck. It’s Jugs and her friend Peggy. Peggy’s kids have stupid names like Capri and London. What the Jesus. Anyway, Jugs and Pegs go to the park. Jugs says that Pegs has the same values she has. In other words, she’s a pretentious hypocritical godbot too. Pegs brags about her kids. Wow, we have someone who is just as fucking annoying as Jugs! Pegs claims that her toddlers are models. Jugs says that her kids can count to fifty billion in Esperanto.

Back in Seattle, Vicki’s daughter Briana comes up. She’s had a rough couple of years. She’s also had a rough trip, having come off of a 13 hour shift and then hopping a flight. She’s tired. Anyway, at a seminar, Pete Kalasountas distracts me because I want to hop that. He calls her psychotically fanatically dangerously in love with her company. The twenty people gathered are happy that Vicki is psychotic. Vicki psychotically incorporates fun…and alcohol…into her work. Nothing makes insurance cool like consumption of massive quantities of alcohol. She hates Donn. Apparently, she hates her daughter too, because she has the after session party in the room next to the room in which her exhausted daughter is sleeping. Wow.

Pegs has guns and a douchenozzle husband named Micah. He drives a substitute penis Hummer. Douchenozzle Micah and Pegs avoided each other at first, their first impressions of each other apparently mistaken. They didn’t know that both of them loved guns. She married a younger guy. For love! Unlike everyone else in Orange County, the whores. They go to a firing range and fire guns. Wow.

Tamra says it’s time to move! She goes house hunting. Leased house hunting. Aw, she can’t afford to buy anymore! Feel sorry for her, America. Weep. Weep bitter tears of sadness for Tamra Barney. She wants to make money without having a 9 to 5. She should become an academic, but that would mean she’d have to think. A LOT.

Back in Seattle, Vicki shrieks at her employees. They pretend to like her, but for a split-second, you can see the utter loathing and hatred in their eyes when she woo-hoos her way into the lounge. Vicki is the reason her daughter is single. Briana is horrified at her ridiculous mother’s annoying attempts to fix her up, and now I remember why I hated this fool. Briana? You should move. To the East Coast. Some bohunk touches Vicki, but it pisses Briana off.

Insidious is Insidious? How the hell is that a tagline for a horror movie?

Shawna the Assistant shows up to help Evil Gretchen with her multibiliion dollar cosmetics empire, Jabot Cosmetics. EG claims to be a hardworking business woman. She’s like Heather Locklear’s character Amanda Woodward on Melrose Place!

Back in Seattle, Vicki wakes her employees up. I would so fucking quit…but I’d be in jail first after I was arrested for her brutal murder. She orders breakfast via one of her employees. Bitch, you can’t order your own goddamn eggs? I hate you, Vicki.

For some stupid reason, Jugs and Tamra decide to “work out” together. Jugs is dressed like a streetwalker for Christ. After their stupid workout they go for cocktails, where Jugs interrogates Tamra about her new man. Wait till she finds out that Tamra is flirting with lesbianism. Jugs says she won’t gossip about Tamra’s invisible man. But she will gossip about Evil Gretchen!

Back in Seattle, Vicki continues to annoy. How has she not been murdered? She schedules her “insurance conference” during the Seattle version of Mardi Gras. It’s as lame as one might expect. Vicki, you’re old. Deal with it. She claims to be living life “large” now. Briana thinks it’s time to move. HALLELUJAH! Girl, get the fuck away from that shrill howler monkey of a mother of yours!

Back at the workout bar, Jugs tells Tamra that she wanted to be a stay at home mom, but she wants something for her. In other words, being a real-life Barbie doll ain’t what it was cracked up to be, was it, Jugs? “The Bible says…” a bunch of shit that isn’t even there. Tamra doesn’t think that Jim the Asshole Husband is supportive. They talk about Jim. He doesn’t actually hate Tamra…according to Jugs. Jugs says that he gets protective (“controlling” according to Tamra, and I believe her). Jugs doesn’t think that Asshole Jim is controlling. Of course she doesn’t. Tamra is trying to tell Jugs to GET AWAY FROM ASSHOLE JIM. “The Bible says…” more shit that it doesn’t actually say. Jugs says that there are times when Asshole Jim has to put her in her place…WHAT?!? Tamra doesn’t think that Asshole Jim and Jugs will make it in the long term. I’ll take that bet, Tamra.

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