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Real Housewives of Miami: “Black Ball’d” March 4, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Real Housewives.
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Last Time: We met the ladies. I like Larsa and hate Lea, but she doesn’t care what I think of her.

We start with Adriana. She and Frederic are eating outside. Again. I guess they do this all the time. She’s talking about last weeks’ boring ass fashion show and tells him that she got totally groped by two homosexuals. Her French Lover is not at all jealous that she got grinded on by two Bravo placed homosexuals. I’ve figured something out about Adriana: she’s boring, and kinda dumb. She thinks the other ho’wives thought she would make a fool of herself; she claims that Larsa and Cristy are “mean girls,” but that she herself is Mother Teresa…but with way bigger boobs.

Oh, fuck. Lea. She’s doing some business bullshit. She name drops Rick Ross and Natalie Cole (whom we saw slumming last week) as she’s planning some bullshit charity gala. Really? This is who she name drops? Rick Ross and Natalie Cole? She couldn’t name drop Jay-Z or Beyonce? I notice her computers are cheap as fuck. She couldn’t spring for a MacBook Pro? Yes, I’m judging her based on her shitty computers, and yes, I’m a Mac snob. She’s trying to get luxury items for her church raffle or whatever the fuck she’s planning. Her charity is supposedly trying to keep kids out of jail. Wow, how specific.

Alexia is the executive editor of the magazine Old Herman owns. Young Herman, Alexia’s stepson, is kinda dorky-hot. Oh, and he runs the magazine. But he’s dorky hot, so I’m not paying any attention to Alexia. Anyway, Young Herman says that people say the magazine is kinda tacky. Alexia defends the magazine and says the “lower person…wants to look like you…the closest thing they have is this magazine.” She’s so concerned about the lower person! No one will tell her how to run Old Herman’s magazine! Not even Young Herman! I don’t hate Alexia, but I sure don’t like her. Commercials. Thank Spock for the DVR.

Cristy greets a gay as hell cook in her kitchen. She, the super proud Cuban wants to have super proud Cuban food…cooked by gay as hell Chef Pepin. He’s allegedly famous. I suppose, but that would require I care enough to go and Google him. Who gives a shit? Anyway, he’s going to make chicken and rice. And mojitos. He’s got me there. I don’t make mojitos.

Lea doesn’t take long lunches, because she’s so fucking busy. Shut up, Lea.

Alexia notes that Cristy fucked a black dude, and she fucked a white one. They are the world.

Marysol wisely doesn’t attend this fucking stupid super proud gay as hell Cuban luncheon. If Chef Pepin gets any gayer, he will explode. Fabulously, of course. Anyway, his cooking consists of opening cans and emptying the contents into a crock pot. Fuck, then I’m a world-famous chef. The food comes out as the ladies who lunch lunch by the pool. They’re so fabulous! Except Adriana forgot that her son got out of school early. Wow. Larsa interviews that Adriana is a wretched mother. Adriana brought some drama, because Frederic the French Lover totally doesn’t want to pick Alex up from school. He’s a dick. Cristy gives some vapid advice. Shut up, Cristy.
Alexia can relate with Frederic. Oh, shut up, Alexia. She and Larsa get into a—debate? A whatever about Adriana’s fucked up relationship. Larsa tries to give Adriana some self-esteem advice. Cristy asks if Frederic rocks Adriana’s bed. Ugh, really? The more she talks, the more I want to gag her. The women squawk some more and then thank Cristy for that totally shitty “lunch.” And, commercials.

“The Adjustment Bureau.” Hm. I’ll wait for that to come out on DVD.

Adriana is outside with Frederic and they drink stuff. I don’t think they actually have a house. Anyway, Adriana is peeved that Frederic couldn’t interrupt his busy day to pick up Alex. Frederic’s hair always looks greasy/wet. Adriana defends him in an interview by saying that French men are moody and it sets off her Brazillian side. These people are useless. I like their dog, though.

Larsa! Is sitting down with Tara and Mary, Friends of Larsa. They talk about shorts and bathing suits and I don’t really give a flying fuck. Wasn’t Larsa whining about how she has no time to do anything? I guess she had time to get over to Calcutta and feed some orphans after all. Anyway, she makes fun of Cristy to Tara and Mary and then says something about cooking rice and how the nannies she’s hired are never any good. She also gives them horrid nicknames like “Turtle” and “Snail.” And she wonders why she’s gone through so many of them? I’m liking Larsa a lot less now.

Alexia is taking afternoon tea with Adriana. By the way, if she’s a natural blonde, I won the Mr. Olympia last year. Alexia runs her mouth in an attempt to “empathize” with Adriana’s plight. This “conversation” is so completely spontaneous! Adriana is glad someone understands her plight. Cry her a river.

Back at Casa de Pippen, Larsa is taking the Pippen brood to DisneyHell. Larsa’s bedroom is fucking GOR-GE-OUS. Larsa’s mother is hypercritical and tells Larsa what she should do with the delinquent nanny. Well, now we know where Larsa gets her…entitled attitude from. Commercials!

Burlesque on DVD? Bish, please.

I don’t have a need to take a pill that would regulate my period. Thanks, anyway!

Fucking Interstitial: Oh, fuck. Lea. I hate her voice. OH, FUCK. Joe Francis, Douchebag of the Millennium is friends with Lea. That ALONE makes me hate Lea beyond sense and reason.

After I recover from my grand mal seizure, I see that Marysol is getting her makeup done for Fucking Lea’s fucking charity bullshit. Her makeup artist looks like Martha Stewart and Captain Kathryn Janeway had a gay baby. Oh, shit! It’s Drunk Elsa! This is a time in which I wish I didn’t have HD. Seriously. Bitch scary.
Oh, fuck. Lea. She’s ready for her fucking charity bullshit and is wearing a fugtastic dress that shows too much boob and is too tight and accessorizes with a tacky fucking necklace. Clearly, she has no gays who give a shit about her. “Celebrities” show up…the aforementioned Douchebag of the Millennium, Natalie Cole, Rick Ross…and KIM ZOLCIAK with Lesbian DJ Tracy. I’m assuming this filmed when Kim was going through her lesbian famewhoredom.

Adriana and her French Fuck aren’t on the invite list! Scandal! Oh, wait. Maybe they are. Who cares.
Fucking Lea and Adriana greet gay (allegedly!) governor Charlie Crist. Whatever. Anyway, everyone sits their asses down to listen to a boring welcome from some fool in a tux who then tells them to get drunk. Done!

Fucking Lea gets up to start the bidding for the luxury items. Old Herman spends all of the money and deprives Alexia of funds for her next boob job. In the meantime, Tacky Cristy shows up late, claiming that she had a flat. She sidles up to the bar immediately to drink Fucking Lea’s drink. That tacky bitch. You know damn good and well she ain’t had no flat tire. She knew that if she got there late enough, there wouldn’t be anyone there to check whether or not she’s on the guest list. While all this is happening, Fucking Lea continues to be annoying. Fucking Lea notes that Tacky Cristy didn’t RSVP or buy a ticket. Ooooh, DRAMA!

When we return from commercial, Tacky Cristy runs into “friends.” Fucking Lea instructs a hot guy to make sure that Tacky Cristy is invoiced. I hate Fucking Lea, but I agree with her on that point; you do not roll up in someone else’s party, drink their drink and eat their food and act like you don’t owe the guest anything. That’s just tacky.

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