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Real Housewives of Miami: “Paradise Cost” February 26, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Real Housewives.
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The plague that is the Real Housewives of Wherever continues apace. This fresh hell finds us in Miami, as we will now follow the vapid lives of several “housewives.”

Fig. 1: Hey, ladies!

We begin our descent into a sun-dappled hell with someone saying that Miami is a hot city and people don’t wear a lot of clothes. The vibe is free and sexual and a cultural playground for rich people. It’s loud and flashy! A non-stop party!
Our cast of characters:
Larsa: Scottie Pippen’s (you remember him, don’t you?) wife. She claims to run everything.
Cristy: Is keeping it real.
Adriana: Speaks five languages (including dolphin and Klingon, no doubt)but claims to use mental telepathy in order to snag a man.
Marysol: Is a PR person. The spotlight always finds her.
Alexia: Beauty is a curse upon the world—no, wait. She claims it’s power, if you know how to use it.
Lea: She doesn’t care what you think of her. Good. Because I already hate her.

We begin with the Hated Lea as she’s helping Natalie Cole buy a bag. Um, alllllrighty then. Anyway, she says that she gravitates towards outrageous or eccentric people. Like Natalie Cole, some rapper and garishly dressed women.
And Dennis Rodman.
In other words, she’s a damn drama queen.
At Chez Drama, we find out that she’s originally from Texas, and met her hubby when she did jury duty on a high profile trial. I bet there were some shenanigans there. Anyway, we get a video tour of their garishly over-appointed house. She likes to get people drunk at her parties. Like I said, I hate her already.

Larsa is Lebanese/Syrian. She wants you to know that. Anyway, we see her husband Scottie Pippen, former NBA player (you didn’t know that, did you?) finish doing yoga. Larsa says they like having a boat in the backyard. They have four kids, one of whom is named Justin, allegedly dominates the house…and plays with dolls. He is bursting out, let me tell y’all. She says she does pretty much everything—she cooks, she cleans, she built the house with her bare hands. She goes shoe shopping. She wants to help people. She wants to feed orphans in Calcutta—she heard there was a job opening in that area.

Adriana is having a good life. She speaks Spanish to her servant and tells Frederic the Fiancee that she has a very busy day. She says her calling is art, even though she went to law school. Translation: she washed out of law school. She knew Frederic when she was married and claims that he had a crush on her…mm hm. No hanky panky there, I betcha betcha! She claims that she is the Queen of Miami. I think Dennis Rodman or Justin Pippen would contest that claim.

Larsa’s brother and sister are in town. What do you do when family visits? You go to a gun range, of course! Larsa wants to know how to shoot a gun in order to keep a certain former NBA player in line. She won’t be no damn Juanita Jordan! Commercials!

When we come back, it’s time to see what this Cristy is up to. She’s on the beach with some other women. She was born and raised in Miami. She’s Cuban-American and claims to be turning 29. For the third or tenth time, I bet. She claims that Cubans built Miami. She was married for eleven years…to an NBA player. What is this, Basketball Wives? Seriously, that show is awesomely trashy. Anyway, she and this ex-NBA player hate each other like poison.

Oh, shit, Cristy has a psychic. Fuck me. Anyway, the woo-peddler says something about the alignment of the planets and the mutation of the neutrinos and it’s 2012 and the world is destroyed, but the psychic missed all that, so we’re screwed.

Miami Fashion Week! Who cares! Apparently, most Miamians don’t really care about Fashion Week—well, hell, why would they, since they don’t apparently wear clothes. I’m having a hard time telling these women apart. Oh, shit, hot dudes modeling swimwear! Dammit, Andy Cohen, know your fucking audience! I don’t care about these ho’wives—I want more male models in speedos!

Anyway, the women meet the fashion designer (who probably got to sleep with at least two of the models). These women are clearly playing to the cameras. Adriana walks the catwalk, to the chagrin of Larsa and Cristy. This is so completely manufactured. Nobody there give a flying shit that some nimrod walked a catwalk after the show is over. Commercials!

Alex Pettyfer is pretty. That is all.

When we return, Alexia is working out. She too was born and raised in Miami. She’s a Cuban Barbie. But more anatomically correct, I’m assuming. She goes shopping with her jailbait wannabe model son Peter. The other son Frankie is “sweet and expressive” and has an interest in shoes. He’ll probably counsel Justin Pippen on coming out of the closet in about ten years. Peter doesn’t know what “grass fed” means. Oh, honey. It’s good he’s planning on being a model. She and her current husband Herman own some magazine of some sort. Good luck with that in this economy! Anyway, she says that “it works” with her being married to Old Herman. It works because he’s loaded.

Anyway, Larsa and the two other ho’wives go to some beautiful old “members only” club. I like Larsa. I’m sure that when Justin comes out, she’s totally joining and then taking over PFLAG. The members-only club has two producer placed homosexuals who pretend to hit on the women. Larsa is having none of it. Y’know, I like her. She wants to go home, while Adriana and Cristy want to get their swerve on. Homosexual #1 tries to hit on Larsa. She tells him that she’s married. He asks if she’s happy. She says yes, and he says it’s not normal. “All the people I know that are married they are not happy anymore.” Larsa responds with, “I’m so happy, I want to get home. Nice seeing you.” BURN! Homosexual #1 takes it in stride as he and Homosexual #2 perform a gay manwich with Adriana on the dancefloor.

Marysol has a PR firm called the Patton Group. It’s an all woman-firm. She walks into a conference room and the women all look at her with utter fear and loathing on their faces. I wonder if they hate her. She’s also a native Miamian and her father’s “American” and her mother’s Cuban. She has lunch with her gay friends Frank and David. They comment on her boobs. She claims that she’s anti-plastic surgery. I don’t believe her for a nanosecond. She got divorced eleven years ago and noticed younger men wanting a piece o’that. She snagged one named Philippe. He’s okay looking. He’s no Hot Piece of Ass, but he’ll do. The title card claims that he’s Marysol’s “boyfriend,” but both Marysol and Philippe have wedding rings on. Whuck?

Back at Alexia’s, Jailbait Model Peter saunters into the kitchen. Alexia claims to be her kids’ friend. She badgers him about eating healthy. Great. You know boys can get eating disorders too, Alexia. JMPeter is going on some stupid cruise and spent $300 on it. She interviews that drinking is social and she has a more European view of young people drinking. She is clearly making excuses for our little jailbait. JMPeter talks some bullshit. NeNe Leakes needs to show up and regulate.

Interstitial! Adriana plays some stupid food game with her son Alex.

Marysol visits her drunk mother. Elsa has also had some work done; she looks like Joceyln Wildenstein. Marysol says that drunk Elsa does spiritual counseling. Good lord. I bet I could make a killing. Anyway, Marysol consults drunk Elsa about Philippe. Drunk Elsa keeps drinking from a giant wine glass. I need to find a wine glass that big. Drunk Elsa wants to know how Philippe is in the bed. Marysol doesn’t want to have this conversation. Drunk Elsa says that she isn’t a Victorian! Tell her how big the pinga is, dammit! Drunk Elsa wants to know what his energy is like. The ways she says “energy,” I’m sure she actually means “pinga.”

Oh, great. Lea. She has some chef over because she’s going to host “her girlfriends.” She thinks that teaching them to cook will be informative as well as fun. Marysol has known Lea for years. Why didn’t you kill it with fire, then?!? One by one, the women show up to Lea’s Den. Larsa asks if the women want to go horseback riding. Lea nixes that suggestion with a quickness. Oh, I’m sure if she suggested it, it would be the bee’s knees. She shows the women how much she loves them by being on her BlackBerry. Didn’t I say that I hate her?

Adriana says that Lea is the kind of person you love or hate. Got it. By the way, hate her. The poor chef tries to wrangle these women together to teach them something about cooking. Shouldn’t Larsa be teaching them, since she also does all the cooking for her bajillion kids and Scottie Pippen, ex-NBA player? Chef Kinda Cute is banished to wherever as the women eat and talk about marriage and kids. Lea instigates shit when she asks when and if Adriana will ever get married to Frederic. She’s this show’s Cynthia Bailey. Adriana tells a story about Hurricane Katrina and her former husband…and the woman who also claimed to be his wife who called her. AWKWARD! Commercials!

Back to Adriana’s Tale of Woe, the wife of Roberto claims that they have children. The women all love this tale. Larsa says a woman who manages all the money will never lose their man. I…guess. Lea claims that when she met Adriana and Alex, they were…poor? Anyway, she alleges she adopted Adriana—or “collected” her, as she loves to do with other people. Of course Lea and Adriana like each other; they’re drama queens.

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