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Real Housewives of Atlanta: “Reunion, Part 1” February 14, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Real Housewives.
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Children, a hot mess is as a hot mess does.

Well, let’s get this crazy started, shall we? Apparently, this reunion is at the Georgia Aquarium—I’m supposing that this is appropriate, in some way. Andy Cohen says it’s like being in a shark tank. Shut up, Andy. Kandi looks fabulous. She redid her hair and doesn’t look like a cockatoo.

Andy asks Sheree if she’s close to an Oscar. Puhlease. Not unless she’s fucking a guy named Oscar. For some reason, the first montage is about these women and their breasts and asses. So we get a lot of recaps of that, and Kim’s phasering fat off her ass. NeNe says she’s happy with her nose job. Andy says that people on the Internet said shit about NeNe’s nose. NeNe says she’s all her. Whatever. Andy turns to Kim and asks her about the phasering of fat. Boring answer. Next up, Phaedra gives us her taxonomy of asses. I’m sure Georgia Tech will be calling her to give lectures. Andy asks Cynthia about modeling swimsuits and her ass and she gets weirdly defensive and says that the women should model a swimsuit and receive her critiques. Andy the Shitstirrer then asks Kim about her boob job and whether Kroy likes em. I’m pretty sure he does. For now.

Stupid question to Sheree from Beth from Yuma: “Your arms look extra-masculine. Ew! Icky!”
Stupid question to Kim from Dana from Hot Springs, AR: “What is your real age, you dilapidated fossil?” Andy tells Kim she looks younger with no makeup on. Is this an actual conversation?
Claire from Maryland doesn’t have the sense god gave a mule and can’t recognize humor. Oh, and Claire? Your kids probably should never watch any Real Housewives shows. Americans are stupid. Commercials!

Andy indicts Kim as a bit of a slut when he says that he can’t keep up with Kim’s love life. Lots of flashbacks to Kim’s amorous amorousity. Kim slept with a woman and then met Kroy the Impregnator. His wallet dick changed her! They’ve been together nine months—a lifetime, really. Shit is stirred when Andy asks Phaedra if she’d like to inquire about the due date. Stupid shit occurs with a stupid psychic and more shit is stirred when Andy asks NeNe if she thinks that Kim and Kroy will go the distance. NeNe: “I really don’t care.” SHADE, bitch! Andy asks about the sex of the child, and cameras keep cutting to NeNe, who is just so over it. Poor NeNe. Someone call the NAACP. Kim denies that Big Poppa could be the father and fields a question about DJ Lesbian Tracy. Apparently, there’s just too much drama.
Andy asks some money questions and then directs them to Sheree. Sheree wisely says that basically Kim and Kroy are grown ass people. Seeing that he cannot incite fisticuffs, Andy asks Cynthia about her path to the wedding. Flashbacks! Basically, everyone around Cynthia thought that the worst thing in the world was Cynthia and Peter getting married. Hell, let’s add Cynthia to that mix as well. Anyway, Andy reopens old wounds by bringing up the maternal unit of the Greek Chorus and her objections. Cynthia says “It wasn’t easy.” Cynthia didn’t know that the Greek Chorus conspired to withhold her marriage license, but she defends the actions, saying it came from a good place. Wow. I guess she can’t say they’re totally envious, evil wenches.

Cynthia says she had proposals from men who had millions, but she chose to marry Peter. Andy asks if there was a prenup—yes, by the way. Phaedra says that all smart women should have one. Well, all righty then! Cynthia says that she and Leon No Lastname didn’t work well as a couple. Commercials—one of which is a sad, sad attempt by one of the Real Housewives from Orange County shilling for her sad assed cosmetics line…or something. Sad hobbit is sad.

Andy tries to prop up the foolish fiction that NeNe wanted Peter. NeNe jokes that she and Cynthia swapped husbands. She says she’s not a creeper or cheater. Kim gives all kinds of crazy face. Cynthia says that Peter and NeNe don’t really get along. That, I believe.

And now, we turn to the fucking frog, Phaedra. Her delusional, fake “southern belle” foolishness is put on display. She tries to defend saying that the Hot Piece of Ass has no taste because he was raised in a white household. She did ride horses! She looked like a human then. Anyways, she defends her boughetto baby shower. Kandi owned up that the baby shower was boughetto. Ha! I love Kandi. Anyway, it comes out that NeNe called Phaedra “Fake-dra.” Anyway, the foolishness turns to NeNe’s age, and Phaedra says that everybody in Athens knows everybody. Well, we see where next season’s drama will come from. Both women think they’re fabulous and ladylike, but think that the other woman is not. Can’t you just feel the love?

Interstitial of Hatred! NeNe tweeted that one of the castmembers was a transvestite. Oooh! Dramaturgic! Andy doesn’t know what “a hit dog will holler” means.

NeNe has had a dramatic season. All the men in her life were shitty. Flashbacks of shitty men, to wit, Dwight and Gregg. And then the shiftless layabout son Brice. And back to Gregg, he who dwells in the dungeon. She is still pursuing a divorce and Gregg has moved out of the dungeon. Perhaps he now lives in the moat? Andy asks if there was cheating, but NeNe says that there were many things that led to this divorce. Basically, he cheated, but she ain’t saying he cheated. Also, the “friendship” with Dwight is over. NeNe thinks that Dwight is a social climber, but Fakedra defends him.

Next up, Kim and Sweeeeeeetiiiiiiieeee!!! Oh, boy. Here go hell come. The Congress of Black Women (and Black Gay Famewhores) arrive to deliver Sweeeeeeetiiiiieeeee from her oppression. Sweetie has worked for Kim for eleven years. News flash! Kim has a book coming out. No word on whether there will be pop ups. Anyhoodle, Andy dredges up race and gender, and it’s as nuanced as you’d expect it would be. Cynthia tries to speak, but is overridden by Kim. Fakedra says that this country has had a troubled relationship with race. Shit, really? Fakedra says that we are sensitive because racism still exists. She’s actually making sense. Well, fuck me. Andy says that this show hasn’t talked about race. It also hasn’t talked about gender inequality or economic disparities.

They’re doing a Real Housewives of Miami? I guess they will make it to Tulsa, after all.

Anyway, NeNe is going on about how Big Poppa was mean to Sweetie. The Congress of Black Women apparently has appointed NeNe as the spokeswoman. Ain’t nobody overcoming here. NeNe casts her braying at Kim as her defending herself (and ALL BLACK WOMEN!) against Kim’s racist depredations. Well, it’s on, now! NeNe is offended, yo!

And that’s the end of part one. Happiness for all!

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