Super Bowl Roman Numeral Whatever: A Postmortem February 8, 2011Posted by Skippy in Popular Culture, Rants.
Tags: blights upon humanity, FAIL!, hot ass mess, idiots
Children, I don’t know why I join in the annual American Consumer Orgy of Nonsense (and Its Attendant Sporting Event), but I do. This year was no different. I sat down with two dear friends and began to watch this year’s iteration of the Most Important Sporting Event EVER…
…and nearly decided to never watch it again. I was okay with that chick from “Glee” singing something. I was even okay with Christina Aguilera fucking up the national anthem left, right, and center. It beats them asking Ke$ha or some even more useless troglodyte to do it. Even when the game began and Troy Aikman and some other dude made stupid comments (“The key to winning this game is catching the ball and running it into that end zone!”), I laughed, made fun and moved on.
And then I paid attention to those goddamned commercials.
Holy craplakistan. What the hell was up with these commercials?!?
Seriously, Pepsi? SERIOUSLY? Let me count the WRONG in this commercial:
WRONG #1: Presenting a Black woman as a total control freak bitch.
I’m assuming that the woman in question is trying to keep her dumbfuck man from eating himself into an early grave. However, given how bitchy she is to this guy, it seems to me that he’s doing so in order to get away from her. The way she attempts to correct his dumbfuck behavior is the most violent and abusive way possible. If the roles were reversed you can bet your bottom dollar that women’s groups from here to Aldebaran would be screaming about misogyny. Nevertheless, this woman is portrayed as a ginormous, violent shrew—in other words, we in 2011 were treated to a 21st century version of the stereotypical Black Bitch. You haven’t come a long way, baby!
WRONG #2: Going for the tired old “controlling woman-dumbfuck dude” dynamic
Of course. The woman knows more and is less fucked-up (at least about eating) than the man. Because men are fucking dumbasses, y’all. Didn’t you know? Well, you deserve a can of Pepsi Max thrown at your head.
WRONG #3: The fucked-up black man-wanting pretty white blonde woman WTFckery
This is probably the least offensive part of this offensive commercial. When a pretty blonde jogs by the dysfunctional Black couple, the man begins leering at her…and she throws him a coquettish smile. Um…okay. It would take me a book to get into the black man-white woman dynamic, so I’ll try to make this a lot shorter: there is, in our tortured racial and sexual history, a perception of Black men as going utterly bonkers when in the presence of White women. This perception/stereotype became the foundation for lynching Black men and “protecting” White women…and in recent years, it has become the rallying cry among some Black women who are concerned about interracial dating. I realize I’m also gliding right over the presentation of White women as the pinnacle of sexual desirability, but, like I said, I’d be writing a book. In short, this part of the commercial was kinda fucked up. But not nearly as fucked up as…
WRONG #4: Assault with a soda can…WHUCK?!?
…the angry Black woman aiming a can of Pepsi Max at the Dumbfuck Black Dumbfuck, but hitting Pretty Blonde square in the head instead (and knocking her smooth out). So not only is the Angry Black Woman violent to her Dumbfuck, she is now guilty of assault and battery (if this were an episode of Law and Order, Pretty Blonde would be deader than a doornail), and Dumbfuck is guilty of aiding and abetting (since both he and ABW run away). AWESOME. I’m going to start drinking Coke Zero.
I could go on about other commercials…the dumb baby Darth Vader Volkswagen commercial, the billion and five Bud Light/Budweiser commercials, the cloying Eminem/Random Black Gospel Choir of Blackness Chevy commercial, but I must speak about one more stupid as fuck commercial.
Ok, so let me get this straight. Groupon (whatever the fucking hell that is), hoping to promote their douchebag company, decides to pull a total frat-boy dick move and mock the plight of a people who, for decades, have been fighting for freedom? Are you fucking kidding me? Did the idiots in charge of this company not think for one second, “Hey, this might not be a good idea”? This is the pop cultural equivalent of a crass, tasteless joke told at a party. Groupon, you may go to hell at warp eight.
Oh, there was a game of some importance played?