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Real Housewives of Atlanta: “Floridon’t” January 24, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Real Housewives.
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Seriously. What the frell is up with these episode titles?

Last Time: Sugar Daddy closed down, NeNe melted down, and Supermodel shutdown. Down’s the word, yo!

Picking up where we left off, NeNe is acting a fucking fool and has to be pulled off of Kim. NeNe interviews that she’s a grown-ass woman, and Kandi interviews that all this childish foolishness is pissing on her bus tour. Meanwhile, in Miami, the bus pulls into the mansion. Sheree interviews that they’re staying at the mansion of a friend of Kim’s. The editing is totally off here, because at one point the argument was happening in transit, but we’re supposed to think that Kim and NeNe are still arguing when the bus pulls into the mansion. Anyway, Kim interviews that she’s happy to see Sheree’s face instead of NeNe’s ugly mug. Speaking of, can someone show NeNe footage of her going off? When she’s going batshit crazy, from her profile she kinda looks like a braying donkey. Kim and NeNe get off the bus and immediately try to drag the Frog, Sheree and Supermodel into their mess. That’s exactly what immature idiots tend to do. The Frog interviews that she doesn’t know who to believe. Supermodel: “What happened to my relaxing weekend?” Honey, you’re on a reality show on Bravo. Did you honestly think you’d have a relaxing weekend?

Anyway, Kim and NeNe start jawing at each other. Sheree is astounded at the hate being thrown around. “What happened on that bus?!?” Don Juan asks, “What in the hay-ell?” This is all utterly ridiculous and is nothing more than a bunch of bullshit. NeNe keeps intimating that Kim is a child and NeNe is an adult. Kim: “I’m going to pretend that this nightmare isn’t happening.” She interviews that Thomas Kramer is rich and powerful. Thomas tells them that they can either fight or they can enjoy Florida.

Outside, Kandi is trying to give Phaedra and Sheree the lowdown. Inside, NeNe is still braying at Kim and Supermodel has to pull her away from Kim again. Outside, Kandi is continuing the tale of woe. Sheree doesn’t understand how they’re all going to be together this weekend. Kandi suggests they check out the hacienda. It’s hideously decorated. Phaedra invokes some more stupid religious nonsense about “holy oil” in reaction to the ugly décor. She interviews that it’s “eccentric” and asks if he’s into taxidermy. No, he’s just into ugly. Kim says he’s good looking. Um, no. Sheree thinks that he might be Big Poppa 2.0. Thomas tells the women of all the celebs who live in the vicinity.

When we come back from commercial, Kim is talking to Sweeting. Sweeting says that she and Kim talk shit to each other. They are birds of a smoky, cancer-causing feather. NeNe is jawing with Kandi and the other women. Kandi interviews that she doesn’t like the way Kim treats her assistant. Well, Kandi, Sweeting’s a grown ass woman. The “slave” comment comes up and these idiots think they’re a chapter of The National Congress of Black Women standing up for Sweetie, with NeNe leading the charge. Kandi interviews that you can never know the status of Kim and NeNe’s relationship. Kandi says that there are certain things you can’t say to black women—and the other women co-sign as though this is some damn “We Shall Overcome” 1960s radical revelation. What are these things, Kandi? Kim called NeNe a bitch—as far as I can tell, that’s not race-specific, nor did Kim put “black” in front of it. Mind you, NeNe is calling Kim everything but a child of God, so what’s up with that, Kandi? Out on the back porch, Kim is saying that she’s embarrassed to have invited NeNe. She interviews that their friendship is over. Back in the Black Women Bashing Kim Club, NeNe passive aggressives that she’d rather be in a hotel. Bye, bitch! Nah, the women say that no one’s leaving. Supermodel says it’s agreed.

Rich Thomas comes to check on Kim and Sweeting and says that after meeting NeNe, two minutes was enough. Kim says that Rich Thomas looks fantastic and so not subtly tries to get him in her bed. Honey, do you not have a Garmin gaydar? ‘Cause mine is telling me that Rich Thomas is gayer than Ricky Martin in a pink thong doing poppers at Carnivale.

A Dinner of Doom: NeNe says she wants a glass of wine. Phaedra looks up at the ceiling, which is as tacky as the rest of the damn house. NeNe interviews that it’s tense and would rather be somewhere else in Miami. Food is served and talk turns to the Supermodel’s impending nuptials. Supermodel interviews that she came to get away from her problems. Honey, when you think of a wedding as a problem, that’s a sign that you probably shouldn’t be getting married. Sheree interviews that you can clearly see that she’s not happy. Supermodel interviews that she’s doing a runway show…and she’s not happy about that, either. What in the hell makes this woman happy?

In walks Lawrence. Sheree is happy, but NeNe sucks her teeth. She is not happy that he is there, but Sheree interviews that she’s happy he’s there. Phaedra is not happy he’s there. His penis and testicles annoy her. Commercials!

Back at the Hacienda of Hate, it is the next morning. Kim and Kandi have a show to do, and Supermodel has her runway show to do. NeNe has called her friend Diana to come down. It’s gon’ be a full house, y’all! Kim goes to visit Rich Thomas as he’s lounging by the pool. She’s wearing an ugly yellow thing and is trying to seduce Rich Thomas. Did I mention he’s in a pair of swim shorts, which means he’s shirtless? I’m going to need to wash that image out of my brain. Thank Al Gore for the Internet.

Kim interviews that she needs to focus on her “performance” so she can show NeNe that she can do…whatever it is she does. She has an incentive to end with a bang. Maybe she’ll have fireworks come out of her breasts. Kim’s only got time to do one song, so she’ll do “Tardy for the Party.” Go with the oldies! Anyway, she gets up to do the autotuned song, and NeNe interview-hates on Kim: “Watching Kim perform is just hilarious to me.” Yeah, NeNe, we get it. She can’t really sing. What the hell can you do? Sheree interviews that Kim had the crowd going. Phaedra: “I was pleasantly surprised.” Honey, I don’t think it would take much for that to happen. Kandi shows up and says that it’s important for this stop to go well. She does “Fly Above.” Kim interviews that Kandi wrote that song about her. Really? Um, okay. NeNe harshes on Kim some more when she interviews that Kim is the drama. Kim and Don Juan Vader reconcile. It’s a kumbaya moment! Kandi says that overall, the tour was a good tour and she compliments Kim. On the flip side, she interviews that she’s so glad it’s over.

Lunchtime at the Hacienda of Hate: Froggy Phaedra says that back home, Prince Ayden the First is doing well. Diana magically appears, and she has a nickname, apparently. Kim interviews that Diana is “the Hulk.” Sheree interviews that she thinks that NeNe invited Diana to antagonize Kim. Kim says that she was going to send Sweeting home to appease NeNe, but since Diana the Hulk is here, Sweeting gets to stay. Phaedra interviews that NeNe has lost sight of why they’re there. Diana the Hulk interjects that she doesn’t want her name to be dragged into this. Then shut the fuck up, Hulk! NeNe says that she doesn’t want to stay in the house—and then she insults the house. Kim rightly calls her out for insulting the house in which she’s staying. Sheree interviews that NeNe is showing her true colors. She is, and they’re LOUD.

Interstitialization, online! Sheree interviews that exercise might make people happy. Kim doesn’t want to work out because she’s on her period. Okay, then.

Supermodel shows up for her modeling job. She interviews that she’s not the youngest model and says to the guy doing her makeup that she’s intimidated. She asks that he perform some miracles on those dark circles under her eyes. A.Z. Araujo, the swimwear designer comes out and shows her some stuff. Apparently, it’s his show. NeNe interviews that she’s there for Supermodel, who’s a real friend, “unlike the rest of these bitches.” Anyway, swimwear! Hot guys show their stuff and eventually Supermodel does her thing. Her ass is ginormous. Sheree interviews that she wouldn’t have worked for her line…her what? Sheree, your “line” still don’t have no clothes! Shut up and let’s get back to ogling hot men in speedos.

Afterwards, Supermodel is congratulated by all the jealous heifers. At some eating event, Phaedra asks if they all want to stay another day. Supermodel immediately says, “NO!” Anyway, she begins to field questions from the women…and she breaks down. Kandi’s facial expressions are priceless. She’s like, “Oh, damn, I didn’t mean to set all this off!”

Phaedra interviews that she thinks that the happy couple ain’t so happy. That Phaedra is a master of interpreting human behavior. Why doesn’t she have her own show like Dr. Phil? In the bathroom, NeNe suggests that she and Supermodel leave the Hacienda of Hate. Back at the table, Kandi says that if finances aren’t in order, the whole relationship will probably fall apart. She is speaking sense. And so is Sheree. Whodathunkit? Phaedra tries to offer some homespun wisdom…shut up, Frog. Supermodel returns to the table. They all try to console Supermodel, and she reveals that Uptown has gone kaput. The women all say that she doesn’t need to have a wedding for them. Please. Supermodel knows that in fake-ass Atlanta, if you claim to have status and then do a podunk wedding, botoxed and beweaved heifers from Marietta to Clayton county will talk about your ass from now until the Second Coming. Then NeNe drops the bomb that they’re changing the tickets to go home. Phaedra interviews that Supermodel follows NeNe like a puppy dog. Sheree interviews the following: “I’m thinking, you ungrateful bitch. Everybody flew their ass up here to support you. Get over it. Get from under NeNe’s ass and woman up! Seriously!” Damn, Sheree! Just…damn.

The rest of the women have to process this new development. They got strippers! And Phaedra wants to enjoy the strippers! Kandi and Kim are on board with staying and watching the strippers. As am I. Meanwhile, NeNe, Diana the Hulk and Supermodel convene to figure out how to passive aggressively give the rest of the women the middle finger. Sheree shows up to ask what the hell is going on. Sheree says that they all came down there for Supermodel. Sheree interviews that NeNe likes to dominate her friends. Sheree tries to talk some enjoyment and sense into Supermodel’s head. Supermodel decides to stay. But later that evening, she still has all the energy of a wet noodle. This is the worst bachelorette party EVER.

Kim interviews that she’s happy that Supermodel stayed. Then Lawrence does “impressions.” Could he do an impression of smoke and blow away? Supermodel asks a sex question, but she does it in the most juvenile way possible. Lawrence cuts to the chase: “Do you give head?” I have to give him props for cutting through the delicate genius’s bullshit. Sometimes being a potentially messy queen has its benefits.

Okay, let’s get to it: STRIPPERS! Phaedra interviews that she represents male strippers. Roided out guys come out—they’re a lot better looking than the one who was on Kandi’s radio show. The show seems like it was about only thirty minutes long, because we got about three scenes with the strippers and then they were gone. Well, all righty then.

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