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Real Housewives of Atlanta: “Flamingo Road Block” January 18, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Real Housewives.
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Seriously, y’all, I have no idea what’s up with these episode titles.

Last Time: Kandi wants Riley’s dad to be in Riley’s life, Kim’s kids want her to stay home, NeNe wants Jermaine Dupri to talk, Kim wants to be a diva, and Cynthia wants a man who doesn’t have tons of issues. You don’t always get what you want.

The Bus Tour from Hell, Day 2: Kim’s assistant Sweetie’s phone alarm is set to “Tardy for the Party.” Nice. Anyway, Kim gets…annoyed? She starts slapping her “wig stylist.” She also orders the bus to stop for her cigarette break, pissing off Don Vader. Sweetie annoys Kandi, who informs her that she is NOT a morning person. They stop outside West Columbia. Kandi interviews that Kim and Sweetie are getting on her nerves. Kim takes her B12 shot to the hilarious dismay of Don Vader. Kim calls NeNe in order to ask her to come to Orlando, thus setting up the drama for this episode.

Back in Atlanta, NeNe’s segment with Jermaine Dupri airs. NeNe says she had to “make magic happen.” Sweetie finds the interview online…and NeNe’s crack about Kim breaking into the music business. FORESHADOWING! Kim interviews that she’s not happy about this. NeNe says her piece came out great, Kim is pissed, but Don Vader doesn’t think it was too negative. I wouldn’t take his word for it, Kim.

The Frog has the Supermodel and Sheree over…and immediately name checks Supermodel’s Hermes bag. I hate this frog. She says again that she’s Martha Stewart. The Frog tells the two that she’s overwhelmed and is ready for this Orlando trip. The Supermodel wants to hold Ayden…who promptly spits up on her. “He’s not even a throw-up baby!” the Frog exclaims. Shut up, Phaedra.

Back on the Bus Tour from Hell, they stop in Georgia at some BBQ place in the middle of west hell. We find out that Kim doesn’t eat meat. Just cigarettes, wine, and silicone. While everyone else clogs an artery, Derrick the Wig Assistant prances around in high heels and Kim sits on her ass. Have y’all noticed that any gay guy we see on these shows is a walking, prancing stereotype? Drama gets set up when someone (I can’t tell if it’s Derrick or Don Vader) comments that Kim looks like a slave master sitting on a veranda. I’m not touching that. Seriously. And then Kandi grouses about smelling cigarette smoke, to which Sweetie bitches, “Are you serious? We’re outside.” Then she tells Kandi to “walk away.” This Sweetie is nothing of the kind.

The Supermodel comes home to Sugar Daddy and tells him about the wedding gown fitting. She interviews that she still wants the perfect wedding, even though the Uptown Supper Club is going south. How far south? Sugar Daddy informs her that he’s officially closed the Uptown Supper Club. She interviews, “How am I ever gonna get paid back now?” Short answer: You’re not. They discuss how the money for the wedding was going to pay for the wedding…not anymore! They’re about 20,000 dollars short. Bravo to the rescue! Oh, wait. You’re not supposed to know that. Anyway, they bitch, moan, and argue about the wedding, but not the real problems underlying their relationship. Sugar Daddy yells at Supermodel, and Supermodel cries…and hints at wanting to call the whole thing off. Both of these people are passive aggressive and awful for each other. Sugar Daddy is emotionally walled-off, and Supermodel is too needy. He says he’s not going to tell her anything ever again, and that there’s “no crying.” Sure, that’ll stop her emotional rollercoaster.

The Bus Tour from Hell, Day 2, continued. Kim wants Derrick to curl her wig. Kandi wants to kill Kim and Sweetie. She interviews that the check “must be good” in order to deal with Kim. Speaking of, her youngest daughter calls and promptly cries over the phone. These kids are going to be in therapy for years. Years, I tell you. Kim also cries…as she’s going to sleep in her wig. What the damn?

The Bus Tour from Hell, Day 3. The tour is scheduled to make a stop at a salon, and Kim tries to get at Don Vader. He is not feeling her attempts to bait him, nor is Kandi. Kim wants to go outside and smoke. Their hatred for each other takes the form of racist bullshit. Derrick comments that Kim’s going outside barefoot is something “white people do” and that Sweetie hangs around white people too much. Kim gingerly steps out of the bus and asks, “Is this a safe area?” Kandi says that Sweetie’s attitude sucks. Sweetie goes and tattles on Derrick. Kandi goes off on Sweetie. Kandi handles Sweetie—and then goes into the salon and is a consummate professional.

Back in Atlanta, NeNe, Supermodel and Malorie the Lesser Sister go out to lunch. Supermodel informs NeNe that the Uptown Supper Club is no more. All of the women have horrible makeup on. NeNe asks Malorie what she thinks—she thinks they need to cancel postpone the wedding. NeNe says marriages break up because of stuff like this. Supermodel interviews that since Uptown went downtown, Sugar Daddy’s been a nightmare to be around. She’s whiny—she says she wanted to get married at Fernbank! Well, hell, I want a 2011 Acura RL. Malorie the Lesser says she’ll support her sister who pays her bills in whatever she does. Surprise, surprise.

Interstitial! Sheree shows up and does something about sending her kids off to their dad’s. The Aston Martin does not make an appearance. Her kids won’t miss her (or the car).

The Frog and the Hot Piece of Ass make breakfast. They talk about Ayden and whether or not he’s sleeping through the night. The HPoA has a breast fixation, because he really won’t shut up about what he could do if he had breasts. They discuss the division of household duties. The Frog thinks that a penis inhibits higher brain function and whines about the HPoA’s ability to do whatever he wants…but then criticizes him when he holds Ayden. She tells him that she’s been invited to go to Orlando, which makes him really happy. Hint, hint, Phaedra! She calls Pastor Regina and asks her to come up and oversee the HPoA’s baby care.

The Bus Tour from Hell, Day 3 rolls into Orlando and a hotel. Kandi interviews that she’ll be so happy to have her own space. Kim is on the phone with Kroy the Impregnator, or, “her boo.” She interviews that she’s “fallen for him.” And his paycheck too, I betcha betcha. Anyway, Derrick the Wig Stylist comes over and they get into it about his comments about white and black folk. He is clearly a master of race relations.

NeNe shows up. Let the drama begin! They start by drinking Moscato. I hate that shit. White wine—and especially cheap-as-hell white wine—sucks all kinds of ass. Anyway, Kim tries to warm up, which leads NeNe to interview, “Lord have mercy; Kim thinks she is a real pop star.” NeNe is such a great friend. She tells Kim that it doesn’t seem like she’s having much fun.

Back on the bus, NeNe tells Kim to gyrate. She interviews that Kim basically “can’t sing” and needs whatever “last minute help I can give her.” Kandi asks, “Why does this feel like the Kim and NeNe show?” I don’t know. Ask the producers. Anyway, they all show up at a club in a strip mall. NeNe calls Kim’s performance “high school.” Ouch. Kandi shows up and does her thang. NeNe interviews that Kandi is clearly a vocalist. After the show, NeNe begins to show her ass. She is clearly drunk off her ass…and she is NOT a happy drunk.

After commercial, we’re now on Day 4 of the Bus Tour from Hell. Kandi interviews that Riley’s dad is trying to establish a relationship with his child. Riley, who is only 7, is a lot more mature than either of Kim’s kids. NeNe shows up on the bus and begins misrepresenting shit. Instigator. Kim and Sweetie show up and the bus gets underway. Here go hell come!

Kim tells her friend “Thomas” who has an “estate” that Don Vader and Sweetie will need rooms—NeNe straight up interrupts and says that this is a trip for just the girls, not the assistants. NeNe goes straight for the jugular and says that if Kandi hadn’t helped her, she wouldn’t have a beat. She also goes off about how Kim treats Sweetie. She’s a fucking regular Harriet Tubman, that NeNe. Kandi watches this and thinks both of these women are pitiful. Frankly, both NeNe and Kim have ridiculously overinflated senses of competence. Suffice it to say that the last fifteen minutes of the show are full of NeNe and Kim screeching at each other. It’s as ugly as one might expect. The other three women don’t know what they’re driving into. NeNe says a stupid prayer: “Please forgive me Lord for having to be on this bus having to be around people who are trash—“
Don Vader: “NeNe, is this a real prayer?”
I’m gonna go with no, Don.

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