Real Housewives of Atlanta: “Tour-Toure” January 11, 2011Posted by Skippy in Real Housewives.
I have no idea what the title of this week’s episode is supposed to mean.
Last Time: Kim is trying to get it together, NeNe might have it together, and Phaedra thinks she’s got it together. Together, they’re all a hot damn mess.
We start with The Frog and the Hot Piece of Ass. She’s putting together a “Sip & See”—some stupid thing where people go drink and look at a baby. The Frog claims that it’s a “Southern tradition”…that she just pulled straight out her ass. She interviews that she’s a Martha Stewart. She wants everyone to be grown up at her sip and see. Frog, heal thyself. She continues to interview that she and HPoA attract a lot of attention because they’re a hot couple. BWHA. HPoA says that he isn’t a car thief—technically,he’s correct. The Frog interviews some stupid church rhetoric. All the while, the Frog has on some spanx. That right there makes me want to slap the makeup off her face.
Supermodel has a staged dinner with Sugar Daddy. She asks him how the day went, as though she cares. She interviews that she and Sugar Daddy own a restaurant and that it’s in trouble. Sugar Daddy complains about Atlantans and says that they’re fake. Supermodel says that they need a Plan B, C, and D. She’s worried about the wedding. Sugar Daddy says there aint much sugar left in the restaurant. She wants him to sell Uptown. Argument ensues. Supermodel says that Sugar Daddy is turning into a bitter old man. Mmm hm!
Anyway, the stupid “Sip & See” happens. The Frog has valet parking. At her fucking sip and see which she has at her fucking house which is a McMansion in a subdivision of other McMansions. Where the fuck are they “valet” parking those damn cars? Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME? Dwight introduces the Frog, the Tadpole and the HPoA as a royal family. Goddamn, I hate fake fucking fools, and these are the fakest fuckingest fools. Sheree says that she thinks the Frog made up a sip and see—I believe her. Kim shows up, and interviews that she doesn’t even know why she’s going to this fake foolishness. The Frog interviews that Kim’s like Jessica Rabbit gone bad. I don’t think I can take this shit much longer.
After commercial, the Frog says she needs to have a moment with Kim. They have a grown up conversation…well, Kim does, anyway. Kim shows the stupid Frog her paperwork that says she’s a nurse. The Frog has to eat her words. She says she’s not judgmental. She continues to bullshit about the HPoA and his past and then says she hopes the “twofacedness” stops—bitch, quit lying.
Anyway, NeNe goes to work. Her segment is “Keeping It Real with NeNe.” She does some ambush makeover (but not for herself, sadly). She goes through some tags…she’s not really that, um, good. But whatevs.
Kim yells for her assistant. WHY DOES SHE HAVE AN ASSISTANT? She has her “assistant” give her a B12 shot. This is ridiculous. Her kids come in. The Virginator complains, but the one with the burgeoning body issues doesn’t seem to care. Anyway, the Virginator finds out that her mom’s going to be gone for a week. She breaks down like her mom just told her that Santa wasn’t real and she wasn’t goinig to get presents for Christmas. What the damn? Kim THs that her kids and her “music” are her two passions. It’s such a passion, that she never bothered to learn how to sing OR quit smoking in order to preserve her voice. Some passion.
Kandi is on the radio in Charlotte. Charlotte is the first stop on Kandi’s tour. The DJ asks Kim some shit about some shit. I don’t care. Kandi says her album will be called “Fly Above.’ The label says she must do a promo tour (performances at smaller venues to see if people will actually buy the shit). Don Juan tour manager is a take-charge guy. Kinda like the Darth Vader to Kandi’s Emperor Palpatine. And Don Vader doesn’t give a flying shit about Kim. Kim THs that it’s like being in the military. Working is such a bitch, isn’t it, Kim? Kandi is irritated that Kim is already complaining. Kim begins whining about smoking, because there is no smoking on the tour bus. Don Vader really can’t stand the fuck out of Kim. The tour bus is kinda hot, but Kim ain’t feeling it. Kim whines that it’s like a Motel 6. Kandi tells Don Vader that she realizes that he and Kim will break out the lightsabers. Danny the bus driver also hates Kim.
NeNe shows up at Jermaine Dupri’s studio. She brings Brentt along—not a good idea, I’d say. NeNe interviews that he is tiny and that the publicist has requested no questions about Janet Jackson. I guess he got tired of the “Why the hell is she dating you??” question. He starts throwing shade and acting a tiny bitch. She asks him a question or two…and he does nothing but give her one word answers. Soon, he begins to talk, and I’m even less interested. She interviews that once the midget realized that she was cool, he opened up. I guess he grew an inch that day.
Interstitial! The Frog and Sheree are walking. The Frog says that Sheree’s body is banging and that after the Tadpole, her ass did something funny.
The Tour from Hell continues. It ends up at some hellhole bar. I do not know what is going on here, but Kandi did get a slam in on Kim: “a monkey with a wig on.” OUCH! Don Vader opens up a can of nonsense about the Ring song and Kim’s “situation” with Big Poppa. Kim says that Big Poppa never cheated on her, which Kandi rightly calls out as utter bullshit. Kandi is really not happy that this beweaved nurse is on her tour.
Hill Harper, desperate for some attention, shows up to “counsel” the Supermodel and Sugar Daddy. Be prepared for utter bullshit to flow. Harper not so succinctly NAME DROPS HIS DAMN BOOK. He then gives them COPIES OF HIS BOOK. Holy mother of Spock.
Okay, children, Rant Time. Hill Harper has jumped on the idiot bandwagon occupied by people like Steve Harvey and Tavis Smiley. He used to be a middling actor with pretty good looks. Now, he’s a good-looking moron who fancies himself a relationship therapist (minus the degree, of course). Oh, and he wrote a book that apparently enjoyed some modicum of success amongst deluded African Americans who need another deluded moron to fill their minds with meaningless feel-good twaddle. And, like any other attention whore, he will show up on a show like this to try to peddle his feel-good twaddle and hope that there are enough morons watching the show who would be fool enough to go on Amazon.com and buy his “book.” From henceforth, I call him Shill Harper.
Anyway, Supermodel says she invested a lot of money into Uptown and she wants Sugar Daddy to recognize! Sugar Daddy says that he really doesn’t want to hear any of that. Shill Harper says some dumb shit, which leads to Supermodel and Sugar Daddy straight up arguing. Shill tries to mediate, but they ain’t hearing him. He looks like a mildly interested beagle. He then says that they communicate differently. REALLY, Shill? Really? Wow, he’s really fucking smart, isn’t he! When asked to say what they love about each other, he immediately talks about her physical features. Supermodel says they need another session. Or fifty.
Kandi meets up with her aunts before the show. They want to see the bus. Kroy the Impregnator sent Kim some Dom and roses. Aww, how nice. That ain’t gonna count as child support. Anyway, Kandi says that before a performance, she likes some quiet, but Kim and her “stylist” are anything but. Kandi interviews that Kim need not be chain smoking and that this crowd is not like the crowd at the White Party. In other words, black folk don’t play a heffa who can’t sing…sometimes. Kim interviews that she will make these non-gay people love her. She’s like Effie…minus the talent.
She begins to autotune. The crowd doesn’t really care. It must’ve been a cheap drink night. Anyway, Kim thanks Kandi, who comes out and bangs out a song a capella. Eh. She ain’t no Anita Baker. She then sings “I Just Know.” Next up, Orlando. On the bus, Kim and her assistant cut up. Kandi and Don Vader tell them to shut up. Indeed.