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Oh, Frabulous Joy! January 11, 2011

Posted by Skippy in Technology.
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Fig. 1: HOSANNA!

Children, as I sit in my house, snowbound for a second day, I am fairly bursting with joy at the announcement that, at long last, Verizon will get the iPhone. Rumors of such a blessed event have been going around for quite a while now, but both Verizon and Apple had been very tight-lipped. And then, Verizon got the iPad, which all but sealed the deal. It wasn’t a question of if Verizon would get the iPhone, but when. And the when is February, 2011. Of course, that doesn’t mean things are perfect.

Pro: The Verizon iPhone 4 can act as a Wi-Fi hotspot. Awesome!
Con: You can’t surf the web and talk at the same time. WTF? That almost defeats the purpose of even getting an iPhone.

Also, this is the iPhone 4. And scuttlebutt is that Apple will likely release the iPhone 5 this coming summer, so if you jump ship and get an iPhone 4, you’ll be locked into a two-year contract with a soon-to-be obsolete phone. Plus, there’s that whole you can’t surf the web and talk at the same time.

Seriously. WTF?

Anyway, I’m delighted that Verizon has gotten the iPhone. I hope that this leads to a mass exodus from AT&T (aka: The Devil), because I hate AT&T. Here’s why:

Way back in 1999, I got my first cell phone with Cingular during my first year in graduate school at Vanderbilt. It was a basic plan, nothing fancy. The phone was a brick that could kill if hurled accurately. A few years later, a friend of mine who worked at Cingular helped get me a less brick-ish phone. Cingular was, at the time, a reliable phone company, and my phone plan was reasonable—450 anytime minutes with rollover. And I always had rollover minutes. Then, AT&T bought Cingular, which didn’t really bother me, since I was able to keep my plan. In the meantime, I moved. First, I moved to Knoxville, and then Western Massachusetts. No problems with the phone or service. By this point, I’m no longer on a two-year contract. AT&T tried to get me to sign to a new two-year contract, but I would always tear up the stupid little deceptive ad they’d send and go on my merry, contract-less way.

Then, I moved to Central Michigan. All was well, until I got a cryptic voice mail from AT&T about terminating my service.

Fig. 2: This is an accurate approximation of my mental state at the time.

Befuddled and confused, I called AT&T to inquire. Surely, this had to be a mistake, I thought. I paid my bill on time every time—hell, it was an automatic debit! Why would they terminate my service? As I inquired, the customer “service” rep told me that, because I had moved to an area that did not have AT&T cell towers, I was “in violation” of their terms of service. Really? Now, I realize that the coverage map now probably doesn’t reflect what the cell coverage was in 2007, but the map now shows that AT&T covers Michigan and I’m pretty sure that the map said the same damn thing in ’07. I asked the idiot how I was in violation of their terms of service. The idiot told me that since AT&T didn’t have towers in the area, the calls I made were being carried by other carriers, which was costing AT&T money, even though I was paying AT&T approximately $60 a month for the (apparently, non-existent) service. And how the fuck was that my problem? You claim that you have coverage in this area, but yet, you don’t. Sounds like a problem that isn’t mine, AT&T. Anyway, I asked if there was anything I could do to keep from getting my phone turned off. The fucking idiot said, “No.” I told that idiot, “Well, I’m switching to Verizon and you’ll never have to worry about me as a customer ever again.” I promptly drove over to Midland, and signed up for Verizon and never looked back.

Since that day, I have devoted my life to telling every and anyone who will listen that AT&T fucking sucks. Among other vile, bloodsucking corporations, AT&T is one of the worst. The day AT&T collapses in on itself, I shall laugh with unabashed glee. I hope that Verizon getting the iPhone is the beginning of that implosion.

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