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Real Housewives of Atlanta: “Not So Fine Print” December 20, 2010

Posted by Skippy in Real Housewives.

Last Week: Cynthia’s a lunatic, NeNe tells Kim that Cynthia’s a lunatic, and Phaedra quotes a lunatic. Now, you’re caught up. Let’s see what these beweaved morons are doing this week, shall we?

Kandi (we’re off on the right foot): Kandi comes in to get ready for her promo tour. She’s under a lot of pressure from her label to show “growth” and do a ballad. “I Just Know” is a hot ballad. Just sayin’. Anyway, Kim strolls in to “rehearse.” Kandi tells Kim she needs to figure out her moves for the show. Mitchell the Choreographer walks in and Kim wants a bedazzled microphone, which pisses Kandi off, and rightly so. Kim starts her…routine. Kandi looks at her like she’s observing an idiot. Kim interviews that Kandi’s very serious—duh, fool. This is her career. Kandi interviews that she doesn’t have the time to be Yoda to Kim’s whiny Luke. Kandi tells Kim to pull it together.

Later, Kandi gets in the studio, but gets a call from the Frog. She says she’s overwhelmed trying to balance her many roles. Kandi tells her that a spa day is coming up and the producers want them all to be at the spa. Anyway, the song that Kandi’s about to sing is personal, so Kandi gives her producer(the viewers) a recap of her shitty year. Kandi interviews that she hasn’t connected with another guy after AJ. Kandi begins to sing a song. It’s not “I Just Know,” so I just don’t really care. But anyway, Kandi is feeling the song a little too much—but hell, that’s what GOOD R&B does. She gets back in the booth and finishes the song. I guess this’ll be the first single.

Sheree, She Who Shops (but with no money): She drags Tierra to a furnishing store. She says that Tierra has no furniture, so she’s going to buy furniture for her. With what? Anyway, the go around looking for a sofa, but Tierra seems to have the same caviar tastes that her mother has. The sales associate pretends to think they have a pot to piss in and a window to throw it out of. Sheree interviews that she’s proud of Tierra for doing what every grown ass fool is supposed to do. Anyway, Sheree proceeds to spend a shitton of money—$7400 to be exact—on a credit card. Foolishness.

Later, she shows up at Tierra’s apartment for the “housewarming party.” At an apartment. Anyway, Damon’s parents apparently painted the apartment. Ok, pause. In NO apartment complex in Atlanta will the management allow you to repaint the walls. Also, a housewarming party for an apartment? For two fools who are shacking up? Are you fucking kidding me? Stop it with this bullshit, please. When they get a mortgage, THEN you can congratulate them for having done something other than rent a box inbetween other twenty somethings living in an identical box. Okay, play. So, Damon and Tierra are surprised at all the people in their box. Damon is speechless. Sheree says that she’s proud of how Damon and Tierra are doing.

Cynthia, Supermodel and Friend of the World: It’s 4 weeks to the Blessed Event, which will be held at the Fernbank Museum. Cynthia interviews that she wants a non-traditional wedding. NeNe says “People are gonna think that chick done lost her mind.” NeNe: “Getting married under a dinosaur…it’s just all very silly to me. It’s almost like she’s a child or something.” NeNe asks her if she was serious about that friend contract. Cynthia begins talking some…nonsense about their relationship. NeNe proceeds to tell Cynthia the truth: that she thought she was crazy about that contract and that she showed it to Kim. Cynthia says that it was just between her and NeNe and that Kim wasn’t supposed to see it. NeNe says she shouldn’t get pissed that Kim saw it. “Real friends don’t stay mad at real friends,” Cynthia interviews.

Fig. 1: Do friends let friends have marriages under dinosaurs? Is that in the contract?

3 Weeks to the Blessed Event—can’t you just feel the love? People aren’t RSVPing and it’s making Cynthia craz(ier). She gets a model booking, which she needs to pay for her crazy wedding underneath a dinosaur. She’s on the phone for her model shoot…and she really does not sound like a grown woman. Her sister is her assistant…I’m sure there are NO issues between them. Anyway, to be asked to do Miami Swim Week is major. I’m sure.

Commercials: I am so going to see Black Swan. Dell computers suck. Don’t ever buy one or let your employer give you one.

NeNe: is working on booking talent for her show. She needs to get a big interview to support her one decent son and that shiftless layabout. Jay-Z is in Europe, and Toni Braxton is in L.A. being broke. She tries to get an interview with Bow-Wow…nope. Serena Williams…nope. NeNe: “I don’t like to beg.” Honey, I don’t blame you. Brentt—the decent son—shows up with a friend in tow. Apparently, there’s a rumor that Justin Bieber lives in their neighborhood. Brentt, a voice of reason, says, “Do you think we really know multimillionaire phone number people?” He complains that his mom won’t let him grow an afro. NeNe calls Jermaine Dupre’s people and maybe sorta gets an interview. Maybe. I’m pulling for ya, girl!
Her phone rings—and she’s able to get an interview with Jermaine Dupri! She calls her boss with the good news and tells her she got Jermaine Dupri. Her boss only knows of Dupri because at the time he was dating Janet Jackson, but she acts like she’s SUPER EXCITED. NeNe interviews that she’s the only one at 11Alive who could make that interview happen—that’s because the white folks there don’t know who he is, and the other black folks probably don’t give a shit about him.

The Frog: Kandi shows up to the Frog’s Lilypad. She shows Kandi the nursery and of course, brags about the nursery. She talks about Ayden having baby acne and says, “He can’t take pictures looking like that!” Kandi interviews that she’s glad Phaedra has clocked into her maternal side. Really, Kandi? Because she’s breastfeeding? Your parenting standards are very high, Kandi. Phaedra begins to lie like a rug about her encounter with Cynthia at the play. More she-said, she-said. Kandi says that Kim “felt the strongest” and then Phaedra says that at least her tadpole was “born in wedlock” and that she has a man. Kandi interviews that she can understand how Phaedra feels. There is just so much bullshit flying back and forth that I can’t keep up. Phaedra interviews that she will put Kim in check.

Fig. 2: Phaedra: “I will put Kim in check.” Ayden: “Who gon’ check her, boo?”

Speaking of Kim, her stylists show up. How the hell can she afford this? And how is it with stylists, she looks so goddamned tacky? Anyway, Dean says he’s brought her hot clothes. He’s lying, for she walks out in this…outfit that is just. WRONG. And she parades in this slutwear in front of her daughters. She interviews that there’s a fine line between style and trashy. She’s been over that line for a very long time.

Fig. 3: Klassy.

Spa Day…OF DOOM! The women show up and Kim and Phaedra are frosty to each other. Let the interrogation begin! Kim says she’s dating the football player now. Cynthia wants to do a bachelorette party down in Miami…and somehow conversation turns to Kim and Big Poppa. But then, Phaedra starts talking about knowing a stripper who can suck his own dick. She is SO klassy! Also, take off all that damn eye makeup, Phaedra. Sheree brings up a “contract,” which leads to conversation about Cynthia’s friendship contract with NeNe. Cynthia and NeNe try to defuse this foolishness. NeNe interviews that it’s nice to see Cynthia defend herself. Kandi is sitting back and watching foolishness unfold.

Ah, discussion about the baby. Phaedra calls Kim two-faced, but Kim sets her straight. Finally! She calls her out on her lying about the due date. NeNe: “I don’t think Phaedra will ever tell the truth at this point…” Phaedra projects by saying that she doesn’t go around talking about Kim dating a married man who’s in foreclosure—and Kim strikes back: “I don’t talk about your husband being a convict!” Phaedra thinks she’s got the high road and says that she thinks Kim backed down because she knew she was “a crazy black woman.” Well, you are a crazy black woman, Phaedra, but that’s not why Kim “backed down.”

Fig. 4: Phaedra, no one here is buying your shit.

Now, I’m hardly one to side with Kim, but in this regard, she is absolutely correct. Whatever she does or is, she is a nurse. And other women in that room have had kids before, so everybody knew that Phaedra’s bullshit about a seven-month pregnancy was just that: bullshit. And Kim called her on it using simple logic—something that Phaedra, an allegedly successful lawyer should know. She can call Kim a whore and say that “she’s got a man” all she wants, but Kim’s point is made: Phaedra lied, she knows she lied, and everyone knows she knows she lied.



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