Real Housewives of Atlanta: “Contract Player”

Last Time: Phaedra can’t tell the truth, Kim can’t sing, Sheree can’t act, and Sugar Daddy can’t get along with NeNe. Can’t never could.

Sheree of the Repossessed Aston Martin: She shows up to Lawrence’s empty ass hair salon. She interviews she expects him to stay open after hours for her. Mmmhm. Explain that foolishness away and think I’m going to buy it. Keep on with that nonsense, Sheree. She asks him to explain his song “Closet Freak,” which gives him a chance to sing. She likes it, but I don’t suppose you’d want to piss off the guy who’s doing your hair. She interviews that she likes him working with Kandi, but doesn’t want him to get too distracted. They gossip about Kim and Lesbian DJ Tracy. Lawrence makes a homophobic joke, thus cementing my utter hatred of this fucking fool. Sheree gets a call from The People Store. They inexplicably want to be agents for her. No free publicity for them, no siree! Sheree says she wants to get out of her shell. She means she wants to get out from under that mane of fake hair. NeNe, as always, breaks it down: “this is not Hollywood…as long as you have a little bit of a name, an agency will accept you.” Ha! Sheree talks about being in some fugaboo play called “Child Support Man.” I guess she’ll be in the Greek chorus? She walks out of Lawrence’s salon looking a hot mess.

Fig. 1: “The look I’m going for is ‘Bride of Frankenstein meets Mad Black Woman.’ Can you do that, Lawrence?”

Later, Kandi shows up to the house. Sheree wants Kandi to help her run lines for her “play.” Kandi says she’s gained weight and can’t be eating that Kroger deli shit that Sheree bought…but she does anyway. Sheree interviews that she’s nervous—she’s only had a few days to get her lines. Her character is the “voice of reason”—oh, what irony! They run the lines…and Kandi is a better actress than Sheree is. Kandi says that she seemed natural. Well, Kandi doesn’t know everything. They start talking about child support and Kandi, stepping all up in it, asks, “How are you maintaining?” In other words, how are you living like this?

Anyway, conversation turns to Kandi’s busy schedule and working with Kim. Blah, blah, gossip and more shit-talking about Kim ensues. Maybe Kim’s next song should be a cover of Jill Scott’s “Hate On Me”?

Kim, Diva With No Voice: She meets with a choreographer and interviews that she’s opening up for Kandi on her tour. Whatever. Anyway, the choreographer asks her what her vision is for her dance routine. As usual, Kim has no clue, and no talent. She interviews that she danced for sixteen years. Did she work with NeNe at Magic City? Oh, I’m so naughty! Anyway, the choreographer—Mitchell, I think his name was—tries to work with her. She says she needs to try to “feel it in her mind”—use the Force, bitch!

Sheree shows up to Kim’s house. I don’t think this has ever happened before. Anyway, they begin to gossip about Supermodel and NeNe. Sheree interviews that Supermodel is “hooked on NeNe…like a little tick. You need to scratch that bitch off.” Anyway, Kim has some expensive procedure designed to remove fat…with a laser. Kim has invited all the ladies over to enjoy this FDA approved procedure. NeNe hasn’t talked to Supermodel since the big blow up, since Sugar Daddy hates her. NeNe isn’t too excited about this completely safe procedure. Kim objects in an interview. Supermodel wants to talk to NeNe privately, but NeNe doesn’t want any drama. They go to Kim’s kitchen while Kim gets into the agony booth. Supermodel says she wanted to respect NeNe’s space while she’s been going through her shit with Gregg. Supermodel bought a candle for NeNe…and a friend contract. It’s a one-year contract with early termination fees. NeNe says, “Cynthia, we’re not married!” She interviews that “we’re not fifteen…this is definitely some single black female shit.” Say it, girl. NeNe interviews, “AWKWARD. I am not mentioning the friend contract. I’m just going to shut the fuck up.” She basically thinks that Supermodel is ten pounds of crazy in a five pound sack.
Kim says she has to go to LA to get her hair did. Sheree interviews, “doesn’t she wear a wig?” Ironically enough, they all begin eating Papa Johns while Kim is having the fat phasered off her body by the completely logical and efficient procedure.

Cynthia, Supermodel and Fiance of the World: The invitation to her nuptials have come five and a half weeks before the blessed event. Supermodel is so excited about the big day that she wants to go somewhere…by herself. Sugar Daddy comes in and whines about wine. I need to be drinking some right fucking now. They start talking/joking about breaking up. Mmm hm. This is a marriage for the ages. Supermodel brings up the blow up between Sugar Daddy and NeNe. She interviews that she’s uncomfortable being between Sugar Daddy and NeNe. She calls him out for being a prissy bitch about NeNe and he begins acting like…well, a prissy bitch. Supermodel wants them to work it out. I just want Sugar Daddy to man the fuck up and quit whining about his future wife’s tv best friend.

Commercials: I hope “the Fighter” flops hard.

Phaedra the Lying Frog: Dwight shows up bearing flowers and foundation. The Frog is breast feeding. Grandma Pastor takes Ayden so the Frog and Dwight can gossip. He tells her that Supermodel and Kim were talking shit about the Frog lying her ass off. The Frog says that Supermodel is being two-faced and intimates that Supermodel’s jealous that the Frog has a man. Dwight tells the Frog that Kim called her baby an alien, which she absolutely did not do. The Frog interviews that Kim isn’t really a nurse and then the both of them begin throwing shade about Kim having worked at the Cheetah club. She calls Kim an “uneducated hooker” and says that Kim wants what she’s got. Godfuckingdamn, I hate this amphibianistic bitch.

Fig. 2: How can you tell when this Frog is lying? When she opens her mouth.

Grandma Regina, Pastor and Mother of the Frog greets a delivery of a shitton of food. They orgasm over the delivery of so much produce and cupcakes, a gift from her new bestie, Dwight. This show is doing wonders for the black gay men of Atlanta.

The Play’s The Thing: Lawrence comes up to the low budget play at the Soul Factory theater. I could have sworn I went there once to hear some godawful “poetry” read by crazy-assed bohemian morons. It was a treat for the whole family, especially the profanity-laced, violently misogynistic poem about unfaithful women. Anyway, the fake green-eyed monster says “a star is born” and tells her that a long line of people are there to see her. Bullshit. Anyway, Sheree interviews that no one from her agency nor her acting coach could come to see her. Snerk. She wants them to “see that her presence draws a big crowd.” The delusion continues apace.

Supermodel interviews that NeNe’s also coming and hopes that she and Sugar Daddy can smooth things out.
Sheree interviews and gossips that she thinks that Sugar Daddy and NeNe want to fuck each other. Whatever. The play begins. It looks fabulously bad and is clearly influenced by one Tyler Fucking Perry. Apparently, Sheree’s part is …not that big. Well, she ain’t gonna win any Oscars. NeNe: “It was more like a cameo.” And the play’s over. Sheree interviews that her theater experience went well…and now she’s ready to move into film. Bitch, please.

The Frog goes up to Supermodel acting like she is gonna unleash hell, but Cynthia heads her off at the pass by telling her that Kandi told them that the tadpole was actually nine months. When she asks, “what happened,” the Frog acts all stupid and says, “What do you mean?” Realizing that she does not have the element of surprise, she tries to fuck Cynthia up by saying that she doesn’t understand why everyone is concerned. She repeats Dwight’s fucked up recitation of Kim and Supermodel’s interrogation. Supermodel: “You need to check your sources.” The Frog then tries to deflect onto the tadpole with a whole bunch of “waah, don’t talk about an innocent baby” bullshit, but Supermodel ain’t hearing this shit. She says she didn’t say anything about the baby looking like an alien.

Rant Time: Okay, fuck Phaedra and fuck Dwight. But mostly, fuck Dwight, because he totally misrepresented what Kim was saying. She was saying that there was no way Phaedra would or could have a healthy baby at seven months, without it looking like an alien. Kim and Cynthia confronted his retarded ass with science, and he knew goddamn good and fucking well that what they were saying was true. So when he trundled off to gossip to Phaedra, he knew fucking well that he wasn’t getting what they were saying right. And there ain’t that much cheap champagne in the world to distort what Kim was saying. And Phaedra needs to know better than to run off half-cocked on the word of some drama-spreading moron like Dwight, so fuck her too.

Sugar Daddy pulls NeNe away to apologize to her about being a whiny bitch. NeNe looks drunk, because she’s giving him way too much. Okay, girl. Watch yaself!

Anticlimactic Lunch: Anyway, Kim is back from Narnia and she and NeNe are having lunch somewhere. She gossips to Kim about the crazy-ass friend contract. Oh, my god—it has conditions! Kim asks NeNe if this isn’t a little weird. And just a soupcon of crazy. They begin talking about Gregg and the impending divorce. Gregg won’t leave the house. Kim begins talking about Lesbian DJ Tracy. NeNe says she’ll date a white guy…which leads to Kim talking about “dating” Kroy Biermann, Defensive Whatever for the Atlanta Falcons and impending impregnator. We flashback to his fine ass, and I ignore the rest of whatever these two are saying.