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Real Housewives of Atlanta: “Auto-Tuned Up” December 6, 2010

Posted by Skippy in Real Housewives.
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Last Week: NeNe gets along with man: film at eleven. Kim’s a “bisexual,” and then NeNe puts her dumb ass husband on blast.

Kim, Le Goldigger: She inveigles her “assistant” to take out the dog and sits in her wretched office to call Lesbian DJ Tracy. She interviews that she had sex with Tracy and, “big deal!” She whines that a vocal instructor was “hard on her”—please. Tracy bullshits that Kim doesn’t have a shitty voice and says she’s “protective” of Kim. There aren’t any decent lesbians in NYC? Is Tracy that damned desperate?

Kim and Lesbian DJ Tracy go to see Jan Smith, vocal coach to the stars. Kim says Jan makes her a nervous wreck. Probably because you can’t sing, bitch. Jan gets Kim into the booth and Kim begins to immediately make excuses. Kim begins to skin a cat and then torture babies, while Lesbian DJ Tracy looks on approvingly. Kim must be magic in bed, I’m just sayin’. Anyway, Jan tells Kim that she kind of sounds like shit. Kim listens—actually listens and begins to sound a little less horrible.

Sheree: shows up at some place to talk to an acting coach. So we’re still going with this foolish delusion, eh? She’s up for a role in a local play…with no compensation, mind you…called “Child Support Man.” Sounds like a winner! The acting coach tells Sheree that she needs to meet with agents—for what, I don’t know. Anyway, Sheree needs to get head shots. I think she needs to get her head checked.
Later she gets ready for her head shots. I hope they don’t make her look like Azlan. Supermodel shows up to give her pointers. The judicious use of Photoshop makes Sheree look presentable. Happiness.

She later says that she feels confident in her acting skills—that makes at least one person who thinks that way. Her acting coach tells her to calm down and works with her line readings. The Frog interviews, “As an entertainment attorney, I think Sheree will have no problem finding an agent.” Shut up, Frog. Anyway, Sheree is intimidated by meeting with so many agents. They ask questions about acting experience. Sheree can’t remember the two plays she’s been in—that’s awesome. For some reason, the agents have the CUTEST BEAGLE IN THE WORLD. Show the dog! Anyway, they continue with line readings. Whatever. Can we see the beagle? Sheree says that one of her greatest qualities is her confidence. I’d call it delusion, but tomato, tomat-oh.

Fig. 1: Sheree Whitfield, our first study in delusion.

Cynthia, Supermodel of the World: Sugar Daddy Peter cooks while Supermodel is on the phone with NeNe. Sugar Daddy gets all pissy that Supermodel is on the phone with NeNe. “I feel like I need to make an appointment just to get a word in with your ass,” Sugar Daddy whines. Supermodel interviews that he’s having a rough time with his restaurant. Sugar Daddy continues to whine about Supermodel having conversations with NeNe. I’m already sick of Sugar Daddy. “But when he walks in the house, he wants your undivided attention,” Sugar Daddy whines again. Now I’m really sick of Sugar Daddy. Shut the fuck up, you self-absorbed geriatric fucktard.

Fig. 2: Girl, RUN.

Kandi: is on the radio to promote some appearance at some sort of racing event called “Fast Life Fridays.” Kandi interviews that anyone can go race their cars. Sounds like an opportunity for natural selection to get to work! Kandi says that Sheree will be racing her (eventually repossessed) Aston Martin. Whatever.

Later, we’re in the studio with her and Le Golddigger. Kim is an opening act on Kandi’s promo tour—good luck with that, Kandi! She tells her padawan that Kim needs a game plan. Soon, we’re in the agony booth to watch Kim trying to sing again. Kandi interviews that she hasn’t seen much growth in Kim. Jan shows up to tell Kim that she needs to relax and stop oversinging. You can’t oversing if you’re not singing in the first place. I still don’t know why Kandi doesn’t just go ahead and record this damn song her damned self. Kandi interviews that “we’re in for a long night.” Yes, a very long night.

Fig. 3: Kim Zolciak, another study in delusion.

NeNe: Diana, friend to NeNe, comes over because she hasn’t heard from NeNe in a few days. NeNe is basically a shut-in at this point. Gregg is still in his basement dungeon. Diana, acting as plot contrivance, is trying to lure NeNe to the stupid Fast Life Friday. NeNe says that she talks to Supermodel, but that she told her that Sugar Daddy doesn’t like her talking to NeNe so much. She hates women who listen to their man too much—like Supermodel does with Sugar Daddy. I hear, you NeNe.

Phaedra the Frog: The Hot Piece of Ass is holding the baby and the Frog presents HPoA with a picture of him holding the baby. Well, that does make him look like a DILF. Anyway, she presents HPoA with another present in the form of a watch. A photographer shows up to take pictures of the days old tadpole Ayden. HPoA is wearing a nice form fitting t-shirt—he sure does play to his strengths. Anyway, during the shoot, Ayden shits on the Frog. Ha! They take more shots of the baby….but now HPoA doesn’t have his shirt on. I hate these people. Really.

Rant time: Here’s why I hate Phaedra (and, to a lesser extent, Apollo): they chose to procreate without the slightest care, concern or consideration to what that might mean for the child. What kind of home would they provide for this, their “prince”? Phaedra is so status-conscious and so uppity-without-portfolio that she thinks that merely giving this child material comforts is going to be “good” parenting. I noted that she said that Ayden usually poops or pisses on Apollo, because he’s the one who does the diaper changing. I’m not saying that should be her “job,” but she damn should share in the child-rearing and not deign to hold him for photo shoots. Children are not designer accessories, you imbecilic frog! What is she going to do when Ayden no longer is a cute accessory that people are supposed to coo over? What is she going to do when Ayden goes from literally shitting on her to doing so figuratively? I guarantee you that that kid is going to be an outrageous little terror who will probably grow up into a larger terror primarily because that will be the only way he will get attention from his craptastic maternal unit. What will she do then? Oh, I know what she’ll do. She’ll do as she apparently has always done: she will engage in massive amounts of bullshit. She will act all sididdy and jumped-up to everyone around her. She will make excuse after excuse for the boy and turn a blind eye to his misdeeds while blaming everyone else for his actions. If, by some chance, the boy doesn’t grow up into an asshole, he’ll still have problems with Phaedra because she has no idea what being a mother means and she doesn’t seem at all interested in actually being a mother. Sure, she’s into the idea of being a mother—from what I’ve seen, she loves the status it brings her, but she hasn’t bothered one whit to learn about the pitfalls, the problems and the potential issues around parenthood. Simply put, she should never have had a child. Hell, I don’t think she should even have a pet.

Commercials: Victoria’s Secret makes me angry. Oh, and shut up, Mark Wahlberg. I hate “based on a true story” Oscar-bait movies.

Drag Racing! But no RuPaul. Aww. Anyway, Kim and Lesbian Tracy show up as does the rest of the ho’wives with their kids in tow. Is this drag racing thing a family event? Kandi interviews that she was surprised to see Lesbian Tracy, as Kim has issued an edict to not discuss her relationship with Lesbian Tracy. Sheree tries to engage The Lesbian, but she has erected a wall of SHADE. It ain’t NeNe level shade, but it’s coming close. Supermodel interviews that the fauxlesbian relationship isn’t a secret. Kandi interviews that she doesn’t really know what’s going on with Kim and Lesbian Tracy. Guess what? Neither does Kim.

NeNe shows up, but she’s not racing. She says hi to Sugar Daddy, but he throws SHADE. She wonders what she ever did to make Sugar Daddy turn into a dismissive bitch. I think that she is just really very sensitive at this point—unfortunately, she is taking any and every perceived slight and turning it into DRAMA. Kim and Sheree try to get NeNe to ride. I don’t understand this racing event. It sounds stupid to me. Supermodel interviews that “I have no idea who won the race or what’s going on.” Basically, Sheree sort of won, but Kandi wants to go again—Kandi interviews that she’s a sore loser. Meh, I don’t care.

After the dumb race, Sugar Daddy says he enjoyed the racing, but wishes he was at the restaurant. They’re not making money. Supermodel and Sugar Daddy gossip about Kim and Lesbian Tracy. NeNe calls and, after some chit chat, the shit goes down. NeNe asks what Sugar Daddy’s problem is—problem is, she doesn’t let him get a word in edgewise, which only makes him defensive. Both of these people appear to have serious insecurity complexes and they’re acting out on each other. It may make for passably entertaining television, but in the real world, it’s pretty fucking horrible, because that leads to friendship rifts that usually take a very long time to repair.

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