Real Housewives of Atlanta: “NeNe Get Your Gun” November 29, 2010Posted by Skippy in Real Housewives.
Last Week: NeNe gets a job, Kim hates a song, and Phaedra has a baby. Poor baby.
Kandi: NeNe and Kim and Sheree show up to the Bootleg Botique to be on Kandi’s bootleg internet radio show. Kandi’s trying to do double-promotion. Homegirl knows how to get her hustle on. Go Kandi! She promotes NeNe’s gig on Channel 11…and then the conversation turns to sex and experimentation. The Supermodel shows up too. She says she’s curious about Kim’s radio show because she needs tips for her sex life which doesn’t surprise me because the Supermodel does seem a bit on the frigid side of life. Blah, blah, blah, more sex talk. As Kim put it in an interview, if Kandi just went ahead and got laid, maybe she wouldn’t talk about sex so damn much. And then a pathetic male stripper with way too many damned tattoos named “Mr. Luscious” shows up. Jesus H. Christ on a banana boat, seriously? So, Mr. Luscious shows the ladies his penis. They say it is large. I want Kandi to get laid. Seriously.
Fig. 1: This was the best stripper they could find in Atlanta?
Cynthia, Supermodel of the World: She and Sugar Daddy Peter go to a wedding planner. He apparently did Toni Braxton’s wedding. I wonder if he got paid. Blah, blah, blah, she wants a fabulous wedding. I don’t know why, it ain’t like she’s gonna show up to the damn thing. The wedding planner asks what Supermodel wants—she defers to her stylist, who proceeds to tell the planner what HE wants. Supermodel gives no input, and Sugar Daddy rolls his eyes and checks his iPhone. He’d probably rather be having a prostate exam. Supermodel says she wants her wedding to be perfect. Well, isn’t she special!
NeNe: She shows up to a lawyer’s office (no, not Phaedra—a real attorney). Shit’s getting real, y’all! I don’t really know what else to say—it’s really sad watching her ask about her options. This is reality—not the rest of the fake bullshit we wind up watching. She interviews that she would like to give Gregg a wake-up call. Maybe, but the only thing to wake up to here is the end of this marriage.
Kim, The Mother of the Year: She takes her daughter to buy a promise/abstinence ring. Oh, give me a fucking break. Anyway, Brielle says she’s going to “wait” until she’s 18. Kim tries to negotiate for 20. Brielle seems firm on her offer of 18. I roll my eyes, because this is some bullshit. Kim tries to act like she’s proud of her daughter saying she’ll wait a grand total of five fucking years. By this twisted logic, I deserve a damn Acura RL for waiting years before I ever got drunk. Ugh. So Kim and her virginated daughter go into the jewelry store and are greeted by this fine hunk of man named Chris Guven. Kim says he’s sexy, and I agree. I hate that we have the same taste in men. So Kim and Virginator pick out a stupid ring. That cost $3,000. She’s sadly got her mother’s expensive tastes and is making this decision based partly on a reaction against her mother (who, by the by, is now having a baby with the aforeblogged Kroy Whatsisface of the Atlanta Falcons).
Fig. 2: Frankly, I wasn’t paying any damn attention to Golddigging Kim and her dumb daughter…
Kandi: Is back in the studio. Shit talking about Kim shall commence! Kandi talks to her other producers about Kim not liking the song that Kandi wrote. Nobody wants to just put it out there: SHE CAN’T SING. Kandi bitches that she ain’t making any money off “Tardy for the Party.” Kandi, hon. You didn’t write “Saving All My Love” or “Bad Romance,” so take it down a notch. Or ten. Kandi goes into the studio to sing the ring song and then she bitches about Kim some more.
The Frog and the Tadpole: The Hot Piece of Ass (henceforth: HPoA) is happy to not be in Augusta anymore. Phaedra says she had to spend another week in the hospital after having the baby. She interviews that she’s “chained to this baby.” Bitch. Ever heard of a tubal ligation? A condom? A vasectomy? When they get home, the HPoA carries the Frog up the stairs…leaving the baby in the car with the driver. These are the two worst people on the earth to have a child. She says that her baby has to be the “flyest baby”—meanwhile, he’s crying, probably because he wants to eat. His name is Ayden Adonis, thus guaranteeing he will grow up to be an asshole. Poor thing.
Fig. 3: Free Ayden!
Kim: Ariana has body image issues. She’ll be binging and purging any day now. NeNe shows up—again, she and Kim are oddly enough besties again. Brielle (who I’m going to start calling “Virginator”) tells NeNe she ain’t having none till she’s 18. Kim’s daughters are more fucked up than I can possibly write. NeNe interviews that, basically, Kim ain’t the kind of role model two girls need. NeNe and Kim whine about being on Kandi’s radio show and then talk turns to NeNe’s imploding marriage. She says she told Gregg that she’s filed for divorce…but then the conversation turns to Big Poppa and Kim wanting more children and wanting to date other men. Foreshadowing! Oh, and Kim ain’t no damn lesbian anymore, so don’t make anything of her faux-lationship with this Tracy person. Kim says love doesn’t have a gender. But it does like fame and money!
She and Virginator go to visit Kim’s dad and mom. Virginator shows off her virginizing ring. Whatever. Kandi and Joyce and her mom’s sister show up to the house. Kim plays a radio program on her iPad in which Gregg spills the tea on his “divorce situation.” The news spreads like wildfire. Lawrence tells Sheree. Gregg talks about spending $300,000 on her and says that the fame went to her head. He says this on the radio. Public radio. SCANDAL! Kandi says that Gregg wouldn’t have said that knowing that he was on live radio. Lawrence and Sheree continue to gossip. Lawrence, take out them damned contacts. They make you look like a fool.
Anyway, Sheree and Lawrence do some kickboxing. I should say that Sheree does kickboxing. Lawrence does his usual gay minstrelsy. He then asks her what the tea is with Fake Doctor. They basically recap last week’s episode as though much time has passed.
Back at Kim’s folks’ house, everyone sits down to eat lasagna. Her dad praises “Tardy for the Party,” and conversation turns to the Ring Song. Kandi breaks out her Jedi training and treats the conversation with all the coolness of a Sith Lord about to strike a fool down with some Force Lightning. She will not be pressured by the likes of you, Kim Zolciak. She plays the scratch vocals for Kim. Kim likes the song. Kandi tells Kim that she isn’t seeing anything out of her that would constitute “passion.”
Sheree: Is having lunch with Fake Doctor. He is such a punk-ass waste of flesh. He “thanks” her for finding time to have lunch with him. Passive aggressive jackass. Sheree interviews she’s had time to reevaluate him. She tells him that she doesn’t think he’s been honest with her. Um, duh. Sheree, did you also know that water is wet? True story! Fake Doctor tries to turn all his lying ass bullshit onto her. He tries to say that Sheree isn’t “nurturing.” Sheree ain’t having this. She interviews that Tiy-E of Crapton’s fast-tracking this relationship after the first date is silly. After some back-and-forth, the claws come out. He basically says that women need to shut up. Sheree goes for the jugular—“prove you’re a doctor.” He bitches up at warp speed and says “Prove you’re a woman,” which is what all punk-ass useless bitches of his pedigree tend to do: vilify that which he initially sought when he realizes the prey isn’t falling for his bullshit. He claims to have his “transcripts,” but then says some more passive-aggressive shit and leaves.
Fig. 4: Bye, you fake, punk-ass, no degree having fool!
NeNe: is at Channel 11 on her first day of work. A producer says she’s reached out to a bunch of local Atlanta celebs and they’ll spend the day trying to get these hapless celebs onto the show. NeNe doesn’t know how to use her damn computer. She somehow ‘finds’ that there’s gossip about her on the Intarwebz! SHOCK! Karen Greer tells her that this gossip could be grounds to be fired and that she has to be ahead of whatever’s going on at home. Greer says “Dogs don’t bark at parked cars”—where the HELL did THAT idiom come from? I’m so using it.
She gets home later and is calling for Gregg in a voice full of “I’m gonna kick your motherfucking ass.” He lumbers up the stairs from his dungeon and the showdown is about to begin. She got ahold of the transcript of the conversation. Gregg says it wasn’t an interview—what does that matter? She puts Gregg on blast. That’s all that I could say at this point. “Are you done?” he asks in a sullen voice. “NO.” Gregg claims that he was just venting—fool, don’t call no internet radio show “venting.” NeNe says that she has never done him wrong and that he has ruined friendships and business contacts (um, okay). She interviews that she has “fucking had it.” Like Fake Doctor, he tries to put it all on NeNe. Punk ass.